Vulnerability

I have been getting back into writing again, I have been more intentional here on the blog, but more specifically I have returned to the book. I abandoned it for a few weeks, and I was unable to get myself through and beyond the particular time and place I was writing about: Thailand. I felt many things as I was writing about my time there, but I was stuck. I can't tell you how many times I opened up the 42,000 word document and would read a little bit of what I had written, and then I would close it down. I was unable to move through and get past where I was in the timeline, and I was unable to get into the heart of what I was thinking and feeling about what I was writing about. I was supressing the response in being vulnerable.

Now that I'm back into the groove of myself and am back into writing here, I have experienced the sensations of awareness return and the release I have felt in being able to articulate my thoughts, experiences and feelings. One of the greatest things I have been able to draw from this blog that I began last summer has been the freedom in the open forum. I have written about things I rarely speak of, and I have been able to process feelings that I often time race right through without stopping to ponder. The vulnerablity here has been tremendous to my heart, and I have been humbled by the responses from those that have read what I've written.

Am I serving those that read what I've had to say by writing it? Have I helped others grow, and connect to me, and themselves? Have I removed some layers and walls that otherwise would remain callused around my heart?

I am now beginning a place in my book that will require a truth and vulnerablity about the transition into this current moment that has been difficult. I have thought I could round out the pages with beginning the job, and in some ways riding off into the sunset. I have been challenged to write about it all, that its all important and relevant. This challenge comes at an interesting time as I've been able to gather my mind around the time at hand and what it is going to mean to me in the future.

I know that we are supposed to be vulnerable in relationships, with the Lord, and ourselves. I wish that I felt like I could be more emotionally exposed than I typically operate, but I know that I'm doing better. I can reflect on the past year and see great strides to communicate thoughts and feelings of the heart that I have been able to go to those places in silence, and with others. The world I currently live is operating at a much more predictable pace. I am sensing myself normalize and stabilize in my job, with my home life, and the continuing perfection of the many hats I wear.

I am laughing. I am creating. I am writing. I am talking. I am listening. I am opening my heart up to more then I have in the past. I am listening to more of the truth. I am grateful to those that have carried my burdens on their shoulders. I am responding to the challenge to write the complete story, and not just what I want people to know. The world I know is one that I am continuing to work my way through, and one that I am contemplating all the directions I could one day go.

"Are we listening to hyms of offering?
Have we eyes to see that love is gathering?
All the words that Ive been reading,
Have now started the act of bleeding into one.
So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the years roll down,
'cause its the world I know..."