You Think You Know

According to the opening line and credits of the old show "Diary" on MTV, "you think you know, but you have no idea".

I have had some really interesting conversations recently that have changed the periscope in which I have viewed my life, surroundings, and relationships. In that process I continue to say to myself "Oh Kari, you think you know but you have no idea". The grace that comes in that moment that is offered to myself, is one that I'm finally able to accept... again. Its like one of those things that when we do it well, we think "it will always be that way", and then when we lose the grip and focus, we wonder "will I be able to get that back? How did I get there in the first place?".

I have had quite the weekend, its Ohio Leadership Weekend at Rockbridge and so I've been reunited with many that I love that don't live close by. I have had great quick catch up chats on porches, and I have walked blindly by someone only to think a second later that I knew them from summers ago. Among those passing moments and affectionate exchanges have lived some real conversations, vulnerability, challenges, and encouragement. I went into the weekend knowing that I would laugh a lot, and that I would be joyful seeing friends. What I didn't realize was how not being at camp full time has facilitated changes in who I am, and what my purpose in life is- which is a different context in many friendships that have formed and maintained on camp property. Noticing that change in me, and that change in my life really came into focus today and it brought a sense of gratitude for some friendships that I have that completely live, grow, and breathe independently from Rockbridge.

I am still figuring out my short term and long term vision for life, growth, and change outside/inside of Virginia. While I am barely out of month two in the new job with the bank, I know its premature to plan leaving it or here. I wouldn't say I'm planning anything specific, and I wouldn't say that I am unhappy in what I'm doing. I think its best described as saying, I know that this isn't "It" forever. I know that its good, its what God desires for me in my life right now, but the dreamer in my spirit continues to dream...and instead of being met with my controlling planner- it lives simply and freely in passing thoughts, random ideas, and hopes.

I long still for a clear message on the point. I still desire for knowledge and direction beyond what I'm being offered. I still want to know, even though I am aware that I still would 'have no idea'. Today at Church we were offered a question "Who Governs Your Life?" In the past few months I would have been able to respond to that with varying answers, and even in the past few weeks my emotional response could have been defiant, assured, manic, crazy, or content... it all just would have depended on the moment.

While I operate my life under the subconscious notion that I am aware and know the direction, the line comes to mind more often recently that I think I know, but I have no idea. I think I'm returning to the place in my mind where I am OK with that reality... its a more truthful place and a more submissive to the Lord governing my life then I have found myself abiding by recently. The growth continues.