Unedited To Do List

Yesterday I was trying to get my brain organized by prioritizing all the tasks I wanted to accomplish this weekend. On the list I had the typical housekeeping points to get done, and then the other errands I was not able to complete during the week. I turned the page in the journal I have not been writing in as much as I would like and I began a list that included all things that could not be checked off in the time constraints of a weekend, but a continued journey in life. Those points are below:

1) Write More

2) Read More

3) Love More

4) Laugh More

5) Let Go.

6) Hold onto Truths

7) Understand Time

8) Drink Less Caffeine

9) Do What My Doctor Tells Me To

10) Find Purpose

11) Not Get So Sassy  

12) Understand My Mood Swings

13) Lessen the Panic When Expectation Isn't Met

14) Create More

15) Obsess Less

16) Want More of Christ, Less of What Distracts Me From Christ

17) Talk More... Stop Pushing the Limits

18) Choose NO over YES

19) Feel No Guilt About Above

20) Did I Mention Write More? Yes Kari, You Really Need To Get Back To That 

On my list I wanted to write 'Disappear'. It was that one word that worried me and made me take pause with the emotional ground I had covered in points 1-20. I think we all have moments that we would like to vanish out of, conversations we would like to delete out of our lives, and situations that we would like to vanish from. At first my thought of disappearance was simply a way out and away from all that I am required to do in my life, the schedule, the responsibility... I wanted to be able to take all that and push it to the side so I could have a moment to... a moment to breathe. 

I don't really want to vanish, and I don't really want to fly away. What I want is my answer to the choices I'm given to be that of my heart and not what I feel I have to do. I want to be able to say no in situations that I have been letting others persuade and guide me, and I want to be able to enjoy myself on my own without the pressure of self to be all things to all people, at all times and all places. I want my hyper sensitivity to disappear, and I want my concern to vanish... I want to filled with the Peace and Grace that the Lord has promised me time and time again.  

So instead of disappear, what I desperately desire is to appear. Back into the flow of my life that has a schedule and routine of working life and time restraints. Transitioning out of the 'my schedule is my own', and the days are filled with things of my own desire I have found rests most of my personal frustration. On this to do list, truly it all comes down to Grace. And the Grace that I have been unable to show myself in light of feeling inadequate, too busy, and not quiet enough.