Time Machines

Today I read some of my old blog posts, one of them dating back from September when I wrote about a particular play list I was obsessed with on my ipod. I remember that play list with great fondness, and I remember passing it along to a friend on a road trip once hoping that they'd find something they enjoyed. The great thing about those collection of songs were the varying themes running through each song, and how I completely identified with something specific in each one. There are lines and moments captured in the melodies that have inspired me, have moved me, and have completely taken me by surprise. Reading my explanations on songs that I played constantly in my car 9 months later was really interesting, and I found myself recreating the song list on my ipod this afternoon so that I could listen through some of the 15  that I have not listened to in ages. 

A time machine occurred. I remembered. I am glad that I have a body of music that I can play and it can take me back to a specific time and memory simply by staying in my current location. These things are important to me as I have desired elsewhere, and other adventures recently. To be inspired in the current moment, in the current time... well that is Jesus answering a prayer to be content. 

I am fortunate on so many levels, and in so many different capacities. I have a roof over my head that is safe, I have clothing to keep me warm, I have financial security, I have never truly wanted for anything that I have needed to survive.  Are those things enough? No. They can't be. I know that they aren't. I know that the currency my heart exchanges is not one that I can convert into monetary possession, or exchange for tangible things of this world. 

I am beginning to sense my gratitude return. I am beginning to sense the funk of the past month melt away, and what is emerging is not just the part of me that is grateful, its also the part of me that was completely inspired by 15 songs that defined a period of my life this fall. I asked a friend tonight if I could put two stars on the calendar because I felt like I have had two really good days... not that they didn't have their moments of frustration or general aggression, I just handled them with much more fluidity then I have been handling things in the not so recent past. He smiled... he said that as I went into work tomorrow that I'd have to remember and hold onto the goodness. I still think I deserve a star or two. 

I know that I referred to random difficulties or struggles in the past few posts, and I have been vague about situations or circumstances that have lent to feeling certain ways. What it all comes down to is that I have listened to the voice of doubt and insecurity over the voice of truth and reason for a good while recently. It has made an indelible mark in my general attitude, and the mood swings are in part because of it. I wish I could explain more of what has triggered this time of difficulty, and I wish I could complain about the ways that I have felt wronged or hurt. I know deep down that those things do not change the way I have perceived life, how I have handled life, or how it has attempted to break down things that I care about. They are just symptoms of a greater issue, and that issue has been about how to get back my heart into the concrete truth I believe- how to get the truth to be louder then the lies, and how to be honest in the process.

Today, I listened to songs that became a time machine. What was healthy about listening to them, is that for the first time I didn't wish for the benches, beaches, planes, trains, and automobiles. My joy and appreciation for the moments those songs dominated were strong, but my sense to be here in this moment, that is what won. The achievement in that sense is where my gratitude lives, it is where the issues I've been battling to win are becoming louder then the lies. I heard truth.