san francisco state of mind.

I have been in a San Francisco state of mind. I attribute this totally to the fact my brother Bill is there for the weekend, Tex has been there for a few days with his dad, and Theresa just told me she is going there in couple of weeks. I have pulled together favorite things for them, and have reflected on my time there in the city over the years to myself quietly.

I first met and fell in love San Francisco April of 1999. I was given a trip to visit Bill and Meghan for my Spring Break trip by my parents at Christmas time. I was pumped. I think in some significant ways that trip helped formulated my view of experiencing a new city without a daily guide. I was responsible to keep myself busy during the day- and armed with some BART and City Maps I would head out and conquer it on my own. In the evening I would report back to Bill and Meghan all that I saw, did, and found. They would be amazed. I covered a lot of ground those days on my own. I made some new friends, I wrote in a journal I can no longer find (which makes me sad)... I got my haircut and my nails done. I met Meghan for lunch once or twice on her breaks. All in all it was a winning week. I was absolutely certain that I was going to move there when I was done with High School.

I hadn't been back to San Francisco in years by the time 2007 came around. I had been in California several times, but did not focus much travel time for the Bay. However, in planning and coordinating 5 weeks I was stubborn that I was going to finish my time in SFO. I secured an apartment a few blocks up from Union Square. I could tell you exactly how to get there, even now 4 years later.

That experience was a lot different. It was concluding a whirlwind trip through LA, Bakersfield, and Vegas. That trip I had found my bench at the end of the pier in Santa Monica, reunited with family in Bakersfield, had a girls trip in Vegas, and then arrived from the desert to the fog. I loved the location of my apartment, and the view. It felt like NYC in some comforting moments. Mostly it felt like home.

I spent 10 days figuring out how I felt about the city once again, as an adult whom still wanted to live there. I trecked through neighborhoods, checked out places to live, went to the movies, shopped a little bit, did all the sightseeing I could possibly handle without choking, and even met a boy, on my last day. Whom was an unexpected dining partner while at The Cheesecake Factory. His name was Tony, he was in town from Atlanta,and we spent hours together that night. He was staying at the Marriott Marquis down the street from the mall, so we went shopping to try and find him an appropriate jacket for his Alcatraz cruise planned the next evening. I should have been packing up the disaster of my apartment, but it was more fun hanging out with someone I genuinely liked so much. It's funny to write about Tony now, because I never told anyone about him then. We talked for a good while after that, and I think had the timing been better, or I more settled into one place things would have worked out. In any event, I can't help but think of Tony when I think of San Francisco.

The time at the end of San Francisco was really hard, and I was really ready to be home. But I learned a lot about myself and I was stretched in ways that I still am grateful for. If I had left early, I never would have met Tony, or had some of those conversations that night I so needed to have.

Last summer was chaotic. In it was planned a priceless Sister trip to Vegas, and then my sister Krystal joined me on a my road trip to Bakersfield, San Francisco, down the Pacific Coast Highway to Santa Monica, and then back to Vegas. We were only in SFO for a moment. It was too quick. One thing I noticed return to me again, was an ease. I was able to show her around my favorite places when I had been there- had lunch in Sausalito, hung out in Fisherman's Warf, went to Wicked, and spent hours talking at Mel's Diner our last night because I just had to be in that neighborhood again. It was perfect. I didn't want to leave. And again, that flickering desire to live in that place continued to burn. I was thankful for that trip because tucked away in my plans for the fall were always a birthday celebration with a beloved friend, whom I had dreamed of taking to my city. Life had different plans. I'm thankful for my continued ability to adjust with the movement of the moment, day, and hope.

Maybe because it was the first city I explored on my own, maybe its because my brother lived there for long time, maybe its because I discovered parts of me that I have had to fight for in the years since... but I love that city. I am more at home there then I've ever felt in New York City, and I spent a childhood outside the Big Apple.

There are days however that I know I long to be at the River's Edge here in Virginia, watching the sunrise from Santorini, any snapshot of goodness from Italy, my bench in Santa Monica, but most of the time deeply hidden and tucked away in my heart is a place I never took a single photograph. Yerba Buena Gardens, nestled right into an almost secret place of the city. I love it there. I love sitting there and reading, writing, scribbling out postcards, listening to music (that is where "How to Build a Time Machine" obsession was born"). I love.IT. THERE. I have thought often to the follow blog post from one of the afternoons I spent on a bench beside a waterfall. I think what I loved most about the park is that it is slow motion, compared to the pace outside the perimeter. It is its own respite. And there are more times then I can even explain, I wish I had taken a photograph while there.

Favorite Blog Entry from that Summer:

In A New York Minute

Today has been a good day. A refreshing one, one that most reflects myself at home. I am having a kind of New York moment right now. I am sitting next to a fountain in a park and all around me the city watches. From my view I can see the high rise Condo's, office buildings and nestled in between all of them: a red brick historic church. It kind of looks like it has been there for centuries and has claimed its space among all the changes that have happened among and around it.

I expected in going into this time in California that I would have good days, and have hard days. I did not know how frequent or difficult they would range, but I did not consider myself naive in projecting what the emotional journey would look like. Sometimes we get very caught up in what we want to project to our crowd of witnesses, that we neglect the truest moments and things about living. We are drawn to rawness, chaos, stillness and beauty. We would always chose in our hearts something real that has value in being full of challenge or joy. My relationships are better when I'm honest, when I am forgiving and when I am who I really am, without distraction or hidden agenda...my relationships are a truer example of Christ when I am more focused on Him and how I am growing through the changes and challenges with Him.

I do not know why I have been unable to be vulnerable in all moments associated in being away. I have struggled with how to articulate my experience, what I am doing, what I've seen- more than just surface things...and in turn have let myself feel isolated by my own life. I found the highs and lows to be refreshing bursts of light that have been so amazing I have not been able to squint or look away. I am still amazing by my adventure and have looked around my surroundings and wondered to a profound silence, "My goodness, is this my life? How did I end up being so lucky?"

When the voices of silent judgement cease and I am not longer consumed with my doubts and questions I have felt the truest Grace in my relationship with the Lord and with myself. I have had the intense privilege the past four weeks to have seen countless sunsets over the Pacific Ocean and various city sky lines. I have made friends on planes, in Starbucks, and pool side. I have been able to quiet the voice of obligation and stress of productivity and wake up everyday and do whatever it is I want. I have felt the wonder of a child as I have discovered someplace new. I have felt the discouragement in not being able to locate a destination when using Google maps as a guide. I have longed for my dog on more occasions than I care to admit. I have tried to forget friendships and relationships a far because their physical absence was just a little too raw. I have tried to communicate what my absolute needs are to myself- which has prevented me from shopping too much. I have been able to sit by the pool for seven hours with nothing else to do than swim and read a book in one sitting. I have resisted picking up the phone and calling someone to share a moment every time I smiled or laughed. I learned that I can be by myself for the longest stretch of time ever- and be content.

I have found ways to include friends in subtle and in practical routine moments in my everyday life away from home. Like, when at a used music store looking at old records for a friend that he might use to decorate his room in his new place.
When ordering something at a restaurant- I sometimes think about what a particular friend would order if present, and I chose what I think he would. He would be upset if we ordered the same thing if he were there anyway.
When, watching a heinously funny movie or reading something ridiculous I imagine someone there laughing at the same things at the same time- and then quoting (or singing) it to each other with fits of giggles for days on end.
When, I find myself losing my focus or getting obsessed with a particular detail or situation I think of her sitting there with me and listening to my every segway, for expressing her empathy through tears like mine, for every movie we attempted to watch but talked instead.
Countless more moments have woven there to here and back again. From the infrequent phone conversations I have been able to rely on the memory of a voice- and the faces that give birth to their thoughts and laughter. If I had a penny for every time a thought crossed my heart in reference to any one of you or something we have shared, I could afford the moon and the stars. This time away has encouraged me to to continue to dream outside the box... and the friends that are my family have been there for each place and each moment.

I have been sitting here in this park for about an hour. The sun has slid behind the city sky scrapers, children are playing in the fountain- and I am kept warm by the stone bench that has absorbed the sun's attention all day. Today is Sunday, and it has been a great day. Tomorrow I have a reservation for a sunset cruise on the Bay, under the Golden Gate Bridge and onto Alcatraz. Tuesday is my last full day here, and I do not have a specific plan. The weather is supposed to take a cooler turn- while the skies still sunny and clear. Whatever happens- its going to be fabulous.

28 years.

Matty has been alive 28 years.

I honestly, can't imagine my life without him the past 8.

28 of my favorite things/memories about my beloved Brother. (the abbreviated version of this will be featured on a postcard, but this is the full list)

1. his beard

2. our multiple disney trips.

3. bob evans on the way to lexington, kentucky the first time

4. new years eve playing speed scrabble 2003: "ok yeah, I think we were meant to be friends."

5. picking me up from the airport six years ago, and praying for me each day those 3 weeks.

6. my brother's man crush on him.

7. the random concerts we've attended:

kanye, counting crows, justin timberlake, sugarland, gaga, etc...

8. he really really LOVES his nephew, and is going to be a great dad.

9. sing alongs when i'm 2 seconds late, and he doesn't know the words.

10. he throws me the best best best birthday parties.

11. my dB girls call him my husband... because he's the best.

12. dissecting ingredients in an item we order out, and trying to recreate it at home.

13. his parents. are fantastic.

14. the 15 minute loop: "Matty. Guess who sent you flowers?"

(I just laughed out loud typing that one)

15. cherry blossom festival 2011: teddy pendergrast, my car getting hit

16. leaves me cd's on the dining room table so i can be current with iTunes.

17. when he dresses preppy

18. his crazy laugh. makes me laugh so hard.

19. his love of all things vampires (even though I hate it).

20. dancing at Jamie's wedding last summer.

21. for always protecting me in groups of gossip, and celebrating

life with me in groups of love.

22. for not being afraid of sharing his feelings/being vulnerable.

23. waking up thanksgiving 2010 to his play list in the house.

24. jump start in the morning.

25. the best thing about not moving last year, was I got another year in town with him.

26. the moment about alejandro in the car when i said it sounded like a

madonna song. he hit me. it made me laugh so hard.

27. waffle house breakfast dates.

28. for truly being one of the most loyal, loving friends in my life...

who is just f a m i l y.

goodbyes.

Yesterday was a lot harder then I've remembered in years past. Today started in much of the same fashion. I just cried. Tears. Endlessly. Though, most of the tears were from gratitude and just pure love.

My sister Krystal left today to go back to South Dakota. Her time at Camp Kari worked its magic, and she is excited to go back. I felt like I was watching a child leave for college.

I hate goodbyes. All kinds. I hate leaving at the end of the night, the end of the trip, the end of a relationship. I used to get made fun of about this, but truth is- its just one of those things so deeply seeded into my heart that I continue to struggle with. Believing that anyone comes back, or the reasons for why they go. This is surely one place that I sense being a child of my family has left some significant scars.

When I left for Virginia in 2003 I breezed through, and arrived. I remember finally sitting at my brother's apartment, alone, and thought "oh crap, what did I just do?" My excitement for the journey was greater then my grief in missing what goodness I had. I am moving soon. I am procrastinating and I am struggling through the logistics, but on an emotional scale I feel excited and much like I did 8 years ago when I left Connecticut. That sort of goodbye feels different. Feels more controlled.

But I remember like it happened yesterday, Tex moving to Oregon. I remember each night the week that he was leaving packing up his things, hanging out, sharing meals, and each night when it was time to go home just being so sad. It hurt in my bones. When you are a kid and you have had friends move away you think that life will never be the same, and are quickly able to see that yes... life restores: everything is good. As an adult however, you know when you've hit something special. You know when you've hit the real deal. I liken to this summer with Krystal like that. This morning I felt like my best friend in the whole world was moving away, and I wasn't ready. Even if in my heart I knew that it was time. Her staying was never going to make her departure easier... even if it made her being her continually sweet.

The tears were sad. But mostly- and by mostly- I mean almost entirely... they were grateful, and deeply profound. I went back to bed and felt like I was the same emotional train wreck I went to bed last night as, just for different reasons. The weight of the heart felt the same, and the tears just wouldn't stop. Thankfully Gracie is THE most amazing human canine and friend EVER and we snuggled. She is sad because Bruce, her boyfriend is now gone. Since I have been up to start the day again, Gracie has been at my feet at each step. Staying close. Being intentional.

Gracie has surgery for a tumor on her paw on Friday. I found that out yesterday too. I'm sure she will be fine, but as you know there is not another creature on this planet I love more then her. Unfortunately yesterday was not a winner day. There were highlights and I'm hopeful as the raw edge of the absence of someone who never once forgot- fades, that I'm able to appreciate the belly hysterical laughter that came at dinner with my sisters and my dad.

That, was magical.

six.

I have searched through boxes and hundreds of photographs over the past 6 years trying to find a picture of Bill Davenport and I together when I was a baby. Yesterday in the midst of sorting and organizing for the move which is about to happen, I found the two above. I was given that Teddy Bear the day I was born, by him... the first dad I ever knew (and yes, I still have it). My mother moved us (my brother and I) out of California shortly after the 2nd picture was taken. For the first time I realized that, in the span of our relationship face to face- this was how I old I was when we were last able to touch. I have to admit, that has struck a cord in my heart that I didn't know was still, yet, so real.

I have felt quiet today. It's been a busy day already- celebrated the birth of my best friend with our Waffle House tradition- to be followed by Melting Pot tomorrow night. Then went to lunch with Kristyn, Krystal and Dad. Now I'm home. There's been a slideshow of pictures playing from the Apple TV, and the Shuffle has been poignant. Somewhere deep in my heart resides the acute awareness of what today is, what it has meant to my life, to whom I've become, and how tenderly I still long for something to have been different. I don't usually admit that, and don't harbor a jaded list of regrets. But there is freedom to this day, and in it I can admit that what I wish for is a picture together. Capturing the road back, and the relationship we had before he died. In the image I so desire's place, are a collection of letters, and in the words and descriptions I see in my heart what I can't touch with my hands.

And that. Is. L o v e.

Before my trip West last August I wrote the following post: Fireflies. I wrote it about the song Fireflies by Faith Hill and my memories associated with it. The last part of it best sums up how I am feeling this and every day:

One of my favorite things about this house in Virginia is that on a summer night the view from the porch turns into a light show. Fireflies buzz along and appear at random points, though it seems perfectly synchronized... I imagine one day getting to Heaven, and meeting the eyes I have been searching for my whole life... and I imagine the conversation beginning something like,

'Before you met me I was a fairy princess.

Before you knew me I traveled the world.

I believe in Fairy Tales and Dreamers Dreams... so many of mine have come true.

Before you met me I saw Fireflies and I thought of you.'

Tonight when I was driving home Fireflies came on the Shuffle, and I sighed a deep slow steady breath. One week from tonight I will be arriving at Candice's door. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I am glad for the time I will get to spend in the company of precious family. They loved me tremendously well five years ago, and I know its a direct reflection of the love they shared and had for Bill- who in turn gave me... the world in freedom to experience it from a child given to Stan or as an adult who could pursue every last random dream in his passing.

Fireflies & Fairy Tales. Dreamers Dreams.

A dark night sky illuminated always leads me back to you.

Can't wait to fill you in on the rest.

partay.

I have had serious attention difficulties today. Last night I went out with my Roanoke BFF's and partied. Hard. And I mean, hard. I don't know what I was thinking, but I will in part blame JJ in the most loving way possible.

After being dragged to the bathroom for a surprise, which was trouble in of itself, we walked back to our table. She turned to me and said, "There's one more"- and there at the table seated next to Kristyn, was Alexis. I looked at her and said, "seriously?" and she just laughed. I turned back, he got up and gave me a hug. The night took off from there into countless screaming conversations across the table, beverage after beverage ordered, laughter, pictures, and then dancing. Tons of dancing. I am not a clubber. I don't actually like it all that much, and often joked with a friend that it would be a non-negotiable in our relationship if they liked to club.

What I learned however, is that you give me enough liquid courage, girls who like to party, and a boy dancing with you... trouble occurs. So much trouble that at one point my ring flew off my hand and was lost on the dance floor. I wish I could list the memories here, but I suppose something are just not meant for blogs.

In the wake of a new, refreshed and sober day I am terribly sad for my lost ring. But at the same time, I laughed so much and danced and partied so hard- that the pictures just make me smile. Today I've thought back to conversations I had that I didn't know I was going to have, a boy I saw that I didn't plan to see, the amount of dancing I did- and I didn't even know it was in me, and how much I loved those girls.

I move into my new place three weeks from tomorrow. I don't anticipate another night as BIG, though JJ lovingly says, "You are freaking Kari Burgess. You are a rock star", I think that we might need to sneak one more night out in there. I was thankful for the surprises, even if at first it took me back. If there's one thing I can appreciate about my relationship with Alexis is that I know it took a bold man to come to that party last night, and I'm glad that I was worth it. I'm thankful to JJ that coordinated everyone, and I felt so loved in the details of the night, the conversations we shared, and the love-fest that occurred.

Seriously. It was crazy, hot, exciting, trouble filled, and flirtatious. Loved.It.

accepted.

Today I accepted the already generous offer that had an extra injection of financial security added. Because they liked me that much. I was worth it. True story.

I also found out that the apartment I most desired was a go- the application process stressed me out- and now I am set to move in August 15th. It's a Monday. I like that. There is something normal sounding about it. Mostly because by that point Essen will be back from his summer sabbatical and I'll be able to go to church on Sunday one last time before the move.

My heart right now is quiet and sort of processing on a normal, yet accelerated speed. I am still in pajamas, but I am packing up my room first. There is a pile for JJ of things that I think she'll want, there is a bag for goodwill of things they will be picking up, and then a trash bag. I have thought back to last January when I was packing for Indiana, and then in July when I was unpacking for not having gone to Oregon. This time it feels different. Maybe because it has happened so fast. I am sure that is part of it. Yet, there is a quality to the pursuit, choice, and all the prayer that has my heart peaceful.

Peaceful and quiet without a doubt.

I leave Lexington with gratitude for a tremendous journey and adventure. I grew so much, loved so much, and battled through so much here. There are memories at every corner, and friendly ghosts that always show up when you least expect it. I will miss my community in Roanoke, whom I have loved and been shown a lot about myself and life, and love and relationships. It's been a ride for sure.

The next three weeks are going to fly by at an incredible speed. I am nailing down moving company information, and trying to sort through what stays in the house as I have it listed to sell, and what I can't create my new home without in North Carolina. Gracie has been pumped about the dog community at our new complex- they are outfitted with a 3 miles Greenway trail, dog park, and dog socials. She isn't thrilled about living on the 3rd floor, but I've assured her that she will need the exercise. B&BW in their empathy for the move and emphasis on work/life balance have suggested that I start training in Roanoke if I need more time in Virginia before I go. My most sincere hope and plan however is that I will get packed up- and I will get some time before the new job, hopefully 2 days that I can be and do something restful. And then I will start work the week of the move. By January I will have worked two incredibly difficult seasons- Bridal Christmas and Holiday without much of a break in-between. I'm hoping for a breather. Maybe a quick stop trip to somewhere familiar, warm, and just relaxing.

In any event. I have felt the gossip mill churn and spin, and have gotten the most random and unexpected people asking for details. It drives me crazy. Like literally. Crazy. But. I'm pumped. And while not ready- very emotionally ready for this fun new adventure!

It's just now official. I have accepted it!

yes.

The power of a "yes" is astonishing. I know that I am a spoiled girl, who typically sees something she wants, she gets it. No questions asked.

I want that dress when I'm in Target. Yes. Its mine.

I want that Iced Coffee at either Dunkin or Bucks. Yes. I can have it.

The things I want most though- the things that mean the most, and are worth the most in waiting, always require me going first and always to Jesus. It is frustrating to feel yes' when there is another opinion involved that shuts the door, or says 'not now', or even thinks it can be bold and say never. When really all you want to hear is yes.

We want what we want.

There has been a sweetness to this time in Winston-Salem. I keep hearing myself say in my head and heart, "yes." knowing that its both being spoken of and in my heart, but also in what I sense in doors opening, and the Lord moving confidently in my spirit. It's a tender and intimate feeling to know so surely and so much that finally... after all the waiting... the praying... the darkness... and in the quiet searching that I walk into this new chapter not once having felt 'no'.

Not once.

I am thankful to have been able to respond to and have heard so much in the recent year that I was supposed to stand next to the Lord and wait for the door to open. For things to settle, for the red light to finally change, and now that it has, it is so clear.

This move does not mean I give up anyone or anything, or move further away or from.

Its moving closer.

To me. Who has been everywhere and back, and has been waiting for much too long for this move, this choice, this opportunity, this movement forward...

Yes.

(sigh).

Sunday Morning

Yesterday was my last day at dB.

I left at 5pm, after what I will admit was an frustrating day. Last day's aren't typically like that. Well, at least they aren't supposed to be anyway. You are supposed to breeze through, remain unaffected by things that usually bother you, make jokes, connect on a sappy level with your staff... the usual. I began to uncover and see aspects of the direction everything was going in, and I was frustrated. I could hear myself getting yelled at by people who love me, telling me to let it go, but when you care about people, and truly connect with your staff, you want more then anything to believe that in your absence that things are still going to be good. That your replacement would be great, that everything would be ok. However, the rising frustration to the lack of tack, attention to detail, and the emotional outbursts by new management has left the staff feeling discouraged, scared, frustrated, and just sad. I left people I have fought against, for, and then finally, with, in a place that is just difficult.

But I am out.

Tomorrow I am driving to Winston-Salem for a few days to meet and greet, find a place to live, and just check out the scene. I think its funny that I have eaten at Chipotle down the street from the job I was just offered. A few years ago on a road trip between Washington, NC and Asheville- Tex, Matty, and I stopped there.

Speaking of Matty. He's a good man. Any of you single girls out there-- he's the best. I had breakfast with him on Friday, and it was seriously the first time in ages we'd sat down for a chat. There was lots of discuss, and while I am confident in our friendship in a move, I admit that knowing he is down the street has brought such a huge level of comfort, and I will miss that. We are very different on emotional landscapes, and I think sometimes we can frustrate each other in that place. Yet, what I remembered, saw, touched, and knew on Friday at breakfast was that in my life there are people who champion for you- and help create a safety net. Dating as far back as losing Bill in 2005, to roommate drama, speculation, break ups, and returns, Matt has offered his guidance, protection, and dedication to privacy with grace and love... endlessly. Great. Man. Best. Friend. Family. I just love him.

I am waiting on final plans for the day. Kristyn is back from her grandparents, and we have planned to go down to the lake with JJ. The weather looks over cast and mostly gross, so I think a day of fun is in the works with JJ. We shall see what awaits.

One thing, well many things, weigh heavily on my heart and mind. Just a really weird, hard, but refreshed place. I can't quite believe dB is done, and I think I'm excited for the full reality that, I have finished that race, I completed that call, and its time to move on. Thankful that I also did it with excellence, empathy, and integrity. I am really proud of those things most.

My life. Slowly returns. I think I'm just kind of scared about what is next. Not kind of. Completely.

Which is good.

Means I am processing this correctly.

Ha.

pink.hut.

actions.

Today I was offered the job in Winston-Salem. The actual financial package is going to be presented on Friday, and because I know Erin and she referred me, I have some insider information. The package will be one that I will not be able to refuse.

Saturday is my last day at dB. At 5pm I will turn over my keys and I will have one very special thing return to me. My life. The past two months have been incredibly difficult. I don't know how to write about it, and I don't know how to describe it. But its been both slow and quick and hard and blinding, and I have just been confounded by it. It has silenced and kept me sometimes away from investing in people, and it has infused a layer of heaviness and grief that has invaded nearly every aspect of my life. Yes. It's been intense. Leaving my current position will allow that cycle to stop digging in so deeply, and start letting in the light.

However, I have learned that our walks with the Lord while are hopefully continually moving forward, that there are periods when we feel like we are standing in the middle of the road. Not necessarily moving backwards, but not feeling much of a progression either. I am thankful that in the midst of this unmoved pace, that I am met there. That I am not alone. That He is with me, has gone before me, and His love is both paced and accelerated to meet my needs now, to challenge my needs tomorrow, and to simply embrace me as I am.

Tomorrow my sister Krystal and I have a day together. She cutely said, "tomorrow is your last day with me alone, what are you going to do with me?". I sat and I laughed, and said I wasn't sure. Krystal leaves for Charleston, SC to visit Mom for a week, then returns to me for a few days. When she comes back, Kristyn will have returned. After a few minutes I responded to her and I said, "well. Tomorrow is your last day alone with me. What are you going to do with me?" She said something funny about asking me first, and I told her I was older: I win. The banter was familiar, comfortable, intimate, and meaningful. I didn't realize until after I said it and she walked away, how much I was going to miss those moments with her. I am proud of the journey of her summer, and I'm excited that her plans to go home are positive...

However, there is no hiding or pretending behind all of the gratitude, that it hasn't been hard. The Lord has stretched my heart so far outside of my comfort zone that I can only attribute the boldness I have recently found to move to North Carolina to have come in part from what I have learned the past two months with my sister. Relationships are like that. Krystal and I were not close for over a decade. And then right when we were least expecting it, and in the most ridiculous scenario found the roads back to each other. Over a year later I am humbled by this truth.

I have seen often through her eyes the battles and demons that I fight that I am still working and trying to resolve. The unwavering loyalty that I have with some people, that I don't have with others. My sometimes narrow view of situations when I'm unable to see past the ways that I have been hurt. I also recognized a lot of this in myself when I was talking to a friend on the phone a couple of weeks ago. It had been a few weeks since we'd talked or been in touch. In response to a quick three sentence email about something non-emotional, they called me. I am sure it was my fairly generic tone that signaled the need for a phone call. Everything about me did not want to answer the phone call. Every fiber. However, I knew that if I didn't, I would let the missed call go into voicemail and I would never call back. The place that I've been about that, and the place that I struggle in feeling deeply settled into, is just indifference. I have questioned my heart, and I have questioned myself from several different angles about it. Sometimes I feel as though the tough emotional terrain that I've recently resided is whole heartedly to blame. But I think I'm worth the fight, and I think I'm worth more, and in my indifference I realize that it is also sadness and resolve that has made me arrive to a place I don't want to settle.

My most often thought question since May has been, "What do your actions communicate?"

I have asked this to some verbally, and others silently in my heart as I have prayed for wisdom, discernment, hope, guidance, resolve, and peace. I have thought about what my actions have communicated this summer.

When I think about what they've said to my sister, whom I have known her lifetime, but only known her true heart less then 2 years... I think that my silences, laughter, questions, insight have been noted. But mostly I think the way that I instinctively reach out when I stop short in the car to protect her as my passenger has communicated maternal care and attention. I think removing spiders from her room, or in the middle of her path has communicated that her fears are more important then mine. I think opening up my home without questions or push about it, has communicated that with me, there is always a safe place to rest. And those are just the first things to come to mind.

The testimony there is endless. I am humbled, moved, and amazed at the way the Lord has woven each conversation together, and instilled in my heart wisdom and confidence to speak about love, relationships, and forgiveness with maturity and hope. It changed everything. For her. In me. Forever.

My brother has been one of my most favorite people in life. Hands down. I think based on the fact Stan the Man is older, I imagined my brother from my very young little girl day dreaming self that Bill, would give me away at my wedding one day. Recently I have been able to appreciate that my brother will never really give me away, or ever give me up. I saw him last week and his response to NC was that I shouldn't go. Because it would take me further away from him. If he asked me to not take it, I probably would turn it down. Yet. His actions speak to me that my heart, journey, and calling is important and I need to pursue whatever it is, trusting my heart, life, and spirit, and that he is with me in it, for always. I will be honest. The decision to move South has me grieve most, the excitement I had in moving closer to one of my very best and most loyal friends in my life. And that tonight, is hard.

So I'm in this time and space, trying to sort it out. My heart has felt so pulled and called to Richmond that I was honestly thinking I was always going to turn down NC. I wondered, "I have a place to live, a roommate situation, family, a social life in Richmond- but no secured job. In NC I have no one, but I have a job--- why not take the leap of faith and trust that the Lord will provide a job in Richmond?"

Through my stubborn pride and selfish desires (that include a time spent in Africa serving on Mercy Ships with Seth), I finally realized that moving to a place I have only driven through, and not knowing a soul, but being able to financially provide for both my new place and waiting on the house to sell meant being responsible... and that the Lord would bless me there, too. I day dream about taking August off from America and going to Africa. Sometimes the desire to go and buck responsibility leaves me confused; and so I pray for more direction. Because sometimes its not just an idea, and its not an escape- its a true desire and dream that I just don't yet feel has resided into a yes. Maybe its just fear. Not sure. But the best line in the email banter the past couple of days was, "Boo, just get here already." I am not the person to say that to, because I will in fact buy a plane ticket. Yet, I am also thankful that I have matured and am more able to pause before transatlantic flights because I don't run away anymore- I run to, and I really hope that this Spring I am running to something great... a mission of service, a time of sacrifice, something purposeful and meaningful. Like China was last year. He almost has me convinced. Almost. ha.

I hope that my actions show that I'm holding onto the Lord tightly and patiently. That my actions and choices show that always being friends, does not mean always being hurt is right, self respect is important. I pray that my leap of Faith in moving shows that in the midst of my moment, my summer, my heart, my position that, God is real, present, ever and forever loving- and is my mainstay... my due North...

What do your actions communicate?

What is heard in your words that can also be seen and felt in your silent motions?

Do you let your distractions define you, or do you triumph over them?

a day off.

The essential and much needed ingredients for a day off...

The River.

A Towel. Headphones. Uncrustable. Book. H2O.

No watch... no time...

Quiet.

No Service... glad for it.

And of course, some Joyful Spirit...

alone.

I am never alone, not really. And I don't mean in the "Jesus is with me always" sense of the statement. In actuality. In the logistics of the day. I am never alone.

Yesterday I was alone for the round trip commute, which totaled about 2 hours.

I took a shower, and that was the extent of my alone time yesterday outside of driving in my car, and going to bed. Nearly everyday resembles that.

Sometimes when I open at work, I will go in a little bit early just to sit and gather myself for the day, in the building without anyone there pestering me for answers to questions that they should already know the answers to, or being available to listen to anything that they might need to complain about.

The quiet parts of the day are the most golden.

It has been increasingly more difficult to pursue, and settle into those moments when I am not being pulled into a multitude of directions or distractions. This morning I woke up late for church. I scrambled to pull myself together and grab my stuff to get out the door in under 10 minutes. In my drive north towards Waynesboro I thought about how much I just wanted to keep driving towards the ocean. To not stop. Just to keep driving. Because somehow the idea that I could arrive on the edge of the beach would mean that I'd be able to still myself and quiet myself enough to enjoy it, it convinced me that church would be there next Sunday. However, common sense alerted me and my practical thinking took over. a) I did not have my bathing suit b) traffic in VA Beach sucks c) I knew that to justify driving that far, I'd have to be productive my my drive thru of Richmond, and I wasn't prepared. Church won. Well. Actually, Jesus did.

I ran a few errands and I came home. To an empty house. Kristyn is gone for a few days, and Krystal is out for the afternoon. With the Ocean still heavy on my mind I went to the river. It was like the 4th of July. It was packed. My impatience won out on the afternoon and I returned home. Still, an empty house.

In the stillness I admit I find myself overwhelmed by all that I have to do, want to do, should do, will be doing... all sorts of 'doing'. I also struggle with addressing that letter I have to write- that's been weeks in the making, that I am only able to begin with "I'm sorry", because I know that what I will have to say will hurt. I think about the boxes that have been packed before, and will need to be packed again in a few short weeks. I think about the goodbyes and hellos and the coming and the goings. And then back again to the emotional choices, crossroads, and issues that in the busyness, and in the constant social and work stimulation I have not the chance to address, or act on what I've decided. So instead the pause button remains engaged and the letter is not written, that conversation does not take place, that date not yet coordinated.

The alone time today is good.

It's not filled with the chatter of friends catching up, even though it should.

It's not filled with tasks and things to do that are complete, though it needs to.

It's not filled with banter, laughter, or conversation, though the silence in its place... is good.

a year later

I am being recruited right now for a position in Winston-Salem, NC. This was not particularly part of the plan, and because of that... I'm wide open to it. I have also been looking in Richmond for the past few weeks and this past week alerted my current employer of my last day in a few weeks in July. It's crazy how this decision has come to pass, and I'm just ready. There are a lot of things on my plate, and a lot of things to consider, but there is one thing I know for sure.

Jesus is in everything and is everywhere.

On Saturday I took the girls down to Smith Mountain Lake to hang out with JJ at her parent's lake house. I met JJ in October last year, and she has become a dear and beloved friend. Many points during the day and in the midst of laughter, white wine spritzers, and swimming I found a soft, quiet, thankful moment to know that I am going to be ok in the move. I have great friends, and in the day of fun knew that there would be more of those, with more and new people. I was able to be joyful in the letting go, for the new to come... and just really thankful that going away doesn't mean I'm gone.

There are traces of sadness, of course. However, one year ago I made a PROMISE to myself and a commitment that required a lot of prayer and dependence on Jesus, that I would wait at most the year- no less then 6 months. That the emotional drama and trauma of last year needed the time to heal, to gain some resolve, and that I refused to make a decision in the midst of just being upset. 6 months was at Christmas, and I was ready to start talking about moving again. And June came, and you'd be amazed on how close to the nose that 1 year commitment that was made, arrived to pass again. This time however, I seized it and I'm taking the opportunity. I am really, truly, proud of me. It was so hard, and sometimes just hurt so much... but I am glad I fought for it.

One year later I am reminded of many things that I loved and laughed through and I am thankful. Today is Krystal's wedding anniversary, and there is a weight to the day as she is here with me without Jon. I have thought about my family, and the intense ways that I was treated a year ago, that forced me to break free. The freedom has been worth it. But it has hurt.

So today, Independence Day- I celebrate all of those choices and commitments I have made in wisdom and discernment, and for this Country that provides such a landscape of opportunity. I am thankful, and just kind of all over the place. But... just real excited, hopeful, and peaceful about the boxes coming out again and this time- I'm going.