goodbyes.

Yesterday was a lot harder then I've remembered in years past. Today started in much of the same fashion. I just cried. Tears. Endlessly. Though, most of the tears were from gratitude and just pure love.

My sister Krystal left today to go back to South Dakota. Her time at Camp Kari worked its magic, and she is excited to go back. I felt like I was watching a child leave for college.

I hate goodbyes. All kinds. I hate leaving at the end of the night, the end of the trip, the end of a relationship. I used to get made fun of about this, but truth is- its just one of those things so deeply seeded into my heart that I continue to struggle with. Believing that anyone comes back, or the reasons for why they go. This is surely one place that I sense being a child of my family has left some significant scars.

When I left for Virginia in 2003 I breezed through, and arrived. I remember finally sitting at my brother's apartment, alone, and thought "oh crap, what did I just do?" My excitement for the journey was greater then my grief in missing what goodness I had. I am moving soon. I am procrastinating and I am struggling through the logistics, but on an emotional scale I feel excited and much like I did 8 years ago when I left Connecticut. That sort of goodbye feels different. Feels more controlled.

But I remember like it happened yesterday, Tex moving to Oregon. I remember each night the week that he was leaving packing up his things, hanging out, sharing meals, and each night when it was time to go home just being so sad. It hurt in my bones. When you are a kid and you have had friends move away you think that life will never be the same, and are quickly able to see that yes... life restores: everything is good. As an adult however, you know when you've hit something special. You know when you've hit the real deal. I liken to this summer with Krystal like that. This morning I felt like my best friend in the whole world was moving away, and I wasn't ready. Even if in my heart I knew that it was time. Her staying was never going to make her departure easier... even if it made her being her continually sweet.

The tears were sad. But mostly- and by mostly- I mean almost entirely... they were grateful, and deeply profound. I went back to bed and felt like I was the same emotional train wreck I went to bed last night as, just for different reasons. The weight of the heart felt the same, and the tears just wouldn't stop. Thankfully Gracie is THE most amazing human canine and friend EVER and we snuggled. She is sad because Bruce, her boyfriend is now gone. Since I have been up to start the day again, Gracie has been at my feet at each step. Staying close. Being intentional.

Gracie has surgery for a tumor on her paw on Friday. I found that out yesterday too. I'm sure she will be fine, but as you know there is not another creature on this planet I love more then her. Unfortunately yesterday was not a winner day. There were highlights and I'm hopeful as the raw edge of the absence of someone who never once forgot- fades, that I'm able to appreciate the belly hysterical laughter that came at dinner with my sisters and my dad.

That, was magical.