I first met and fell in love San Francisco April of 1999. I was given a trip to visit Bill and Meghan for my Spring Break trip by my parents at Christmas time. I was pumped. I think in some significant ways that trip helped formulated my view of experiencing a new city without a daily guide. I was responsible to keep myself busy during the day- and armed with some BART and City Maps I would head out and conquer it on my own. In the evening I would report back to Bill and Meghan all that I saw, did, and found. They would be amazed. I covered a lot of ground those days on my own. I made some new friends, I wrote in a journal I can no longer find (which makes me sad)... I got my haircut and my nails done. I met Meghan for lunch once or twice on her breaks. All in all it was a winning week. I was absolutely certain that I was going to move there when I was done with High School.
I hadn't been back to San Francisco in years by the time 2007 came around. I had been in California several times, but did not focus much travel time for the Bay. However, in planning and coordinating 5 weeks I was stubborn that I was going to finish my time in SFO. I secured an apartment a few blocks up from Union Square. I could tell you exactly how to get there, even now 4 years later.
That experience was a lot different. It was concluding a whirlwind trip through LA, Bakersfield, and Vegas. That trip I had found my bench at the end of the pier in Santa Monica, reunited with family in Bakersfield, had a girls trip in Vegas, and then arrived from the desert to the fog. I loved the location of my apartment, and the view. It felt like NYC in some comforting moments. Mostly it felt like home.
I spent 10 days figuring out how I felt about the city once again, as an adult whom still wanted to live there. I trecked through neighborhoods, checked out places to live, went to the movies, shopped a little bit, did all the sightseeing I could possibly handle without choking, and even met a boy, on my last day. Whom was an unexpected dining partner while at The Cheesecake Factory. His name was Tony, he was in town from Atlanta,and we spent hours together that night. He was staying at the Marriott Marquis down the street from the mall, so we went shopping to try and find him an appropriate jacket for his Alcatraz cruise planned the next evening. I should have been packing up the disaster of my apartment, but it was more fun hanging out with someone I genuinely liked so much. It's funny to write about Tony now, because I never told anyone about him then. We talked for a good while after that, and I think had the timing been better, or I more settled into one place things would have worked out. In any event, I can't help but think of Tony when I think of San Francisco.
The time at the end of San Francisco was really hard, and I was really ready to be home. But I learned a lot about myself and I was stretched in ways that I still am grateful for. If I had left early, I never would have met Tony, or had some of those conversations that night I so needed to have.
Last summer was chaotic. In it was planned a priceless Sister trip to Vegas, and then my sister Krystal joined me on a my road trip to Bakersfield, San Francisco, down the Pacific Coast Highway to Santa Monica, and then back to Vegas. We were only in SFO for a moment. It was too quick. One thing I noticed return to me again, was an ease. I was able to show her around my favorite places when I had been there- had lunch in Sausalito, hung out in Fisherman's Warf, went to Wicked, and spent hours talking at Mel's Diner our last night because I just had to be in that neighborhood again. It was perfect. I didn't want to leave. And again, that flickering desire to live in that place continued to burn. I was thankful for that trip because tucked away in my plans for the fall were always a birthday celebration with a beloved friend, whom I had dreamed of taking to my city. Life had different plans. I'm thankful for my continued ability to adjust with the movement of the moment, day, and hope.
Maybe because it was the first city I explored on my own, maybe its because my brother lived there for long time, maybe its because I discovered parts of me that I have had to fight for in the years since... but I love that city. I am more at home there then I've ever felt in New York City, and I spent a childhood outside the Big Apple.
There are days however that I know I long to be at the River's Edge here in Virginia, watching the sunrise from Santorini, any snapshot of goodness from Italy, my bench in Santa Monica, but most of the time deeply hidden and tucked away in my heart is a place I never took a single photograph. Yerba Buena Gardens, nestled right into an almost secret place of the city. I love it there. I love sitting there and reading, writing, scribbling out postcards, listening to music (that is where "How to Build a Time Machine" obsession was born"). I love.IT. THERE. I have thought often to the follow blog post from one of the afternoons I spent on a bench beside a waterfall. I think what I loved most about the park is that it is slow motion, compared to the pace outside the perimeter. It is its own respite. And there are more times then I can even explain, I wish I had taken a photograph while there.
Favorite Blog Entry from that Summer:
In A New York Minute
Today has been a good day. A refreshing one, one that most reflects myself at home. I am having a kind of New York moment right now. I am sitting next to a fountain in a park and all around me the city watches. From my view I can see the high rise Condo's, office buildings and nestled in between all of them: a red brick historic church. It kind of looks like it has been there for centuries and has claimed its space among all the changes that have happened among and around it.
I expected in going into this time in California that I would have good days, and have hard days. I did not know how frequent or difficult they would range, but I did not consider myself naive in projecting what the emotional journey would look like. Sometimes we get very caught up in what we want to project to our crowd of witnesses, that we neglect the truest moments and things about living. We are drawn to rawness, chaos, stillness and beauty. We would always chose in our hearts something real that has value in being full of challenge or joy. My relationships are better when I'm honest, when I am forgiving and when I am who I really am, without distraction or hidden agenda...my relationships are a truer example of Christ when I am more focused on Him and how I am growing through the changes and challenges with Him.
I do not know why I have been unable to be vulnerable in all moments associated in being away. I have struggled with how to articulate my experience, what I am doing, what I've seen- more than just surface things...and in turn have let myself feel isolated by my own life. I found the highs and lows to be refreshing bursts of light that have been so amazing I have not been able to squint or look away. I am still amazing by my adventure and have looked around my surroundings and wondered to a profound silence, "My goodness, is this my life? How did I end up being so lucky?"
When the voices of silent judgement cease and I am not longer consumed with my doubts and questions I have felt the truest Grace in my relationship with the Lord and with myself. I have had the intense privilege the past four weeks to have seen countless sunsets over the Pacific Ocean and various city sky lines. I have made friends on planes, in Starbucks, and pool side. I have been able to quiet the voice of obligation and stress of productivity and wake up everyday and do whatever it is I want. I have felt the wonder of a child as I have discovered someplace new. I have felt the discouragement in not being able to locate a destination when using Google maps as a guide. I have longed for my dog on more occasions than I care to admit. I have tried to forget friendships and relationships a far because their physical absence was just a little too raw. I have tried to communicate what my absolute needs are to myself- which has prevented me from shopping too much. I have been able to sit by the pool for seven hours with nothing else to do than swim and read a book in one sitting. I have resisted picking up the phone and calling someone to share a moment every time I smiled or laughed. I learned that I can be by myself for the longest stretch of time ever- and be content.
I have found ways to include friends in subtle and in practical routine moments in my everyday life away from home. Like, when at a used music store looking at old records for a friend that he might use to decorate his room in his new place.
When ordering something at a restaurant- I sometimes think about what a particular friend would order if present, and I chose what I think he would. He would be upset if we ordered the same thing if he were there anyway.
When, watching a heinously funny movie or reading something ridiculous I imagine someone there laughing at the same things at the same time- and then quoting (or singing) it to each other with fits of giggles for days on end.
When, I find myself losing my focus or getting obsessed with a particular detail or situation I think of her sitting there with me and listening to my every segway, for expressing her empathy through tears like mine, for every movie we attempted to watch but talked instead.
Countless more moments have woven there to here and back again. From the infrequent phone conversations I have been able to rely on the memory of a voice- and the faces that give birth to their thoughts and laughter. If I had a penny for every time a thought crossed my heart in reference to any one of you or something we have shared, I could afford the moon and the stars. This time away has encouraged me to to continue to dream outside the box... and the friends that are my family have been there for each place and each moment.
I have been sitting here in this park for about an hour. The sun has slid behind the city sky scrapers, children are playing in the fountain- and I am kept warm by the stone bench that has absorbed the sun's attention all day. Today is Sunday, and it has been a great day. Tomorrow I have a reservation for a sunset cruise on the Bay, under the Golden Gate Bridge and onto Alcatraz. Tuesday is my last full day here, and I do not have a specific plan. The weather is supposed to take a cooler turn- while the skies still sunny and clear. Whatever happens- its going to be fabulous.
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