six.

I have searched through boxes and hundreds of photographs over the past 6 years trying to find a picture of Bill Davenport and I together when I was a baby. Yesterday in the midst of sorting and organizing for the move which is about to happen, I found the two above. I was given that Teddy Bear the day I was born, by him... the first dad I ever knew (and yes, I still have it). My mother moved us (my brother and I) out of California shortly after the 2nd picture was taken. For the first time I realized that, in the span of our relationship face to face- this was how I old I was when we were last able to touch. I have to admit, that has struck a cord in my heart that I didn't know was still, yet, so real.

I have felt quiet today. It's been a busy day already- celebrated the birth of my best friend with our Waffle House tradition- to be followed by Melting Pot tomorrow night. Then went to lunch with Kristyn, Krystal and Dad. Now I'm home. There's been a slideshow of pictures playing from the Apple TV, and the Shuffle has been poignant. Somewhere deep in my heart resides the acute awareness of what today is, what it has meant to my life, to whom I've become, and how tenderly I still long for something to have been different. I don't usually admit that, and don't harbor a jaded list of regrets. But there is freedom to this day, and in it I can admit that what I wish for is a picture together. Capturing the road back, and the relationship we had before he died. In the image I so desire's place, are a collection of letters, and in the words and descriptions I see in my heart what I can't touch with my hands.

And that. Is. L o v e.

Before my trip West last August I wrote the following post: Fireflies. I wrote it about the song Fireflies by Faith Hill and my memories associated with it. The last part of it best sums up how I am feeling this and every day:

One of my favorite things about this house in Virginia is that on a summer night the view from the porch turns into a light show. Fireflies buzz along and appear at random points, though it seems perfectly synchronized... I imagine one day getting to Heaven, and meeting the eyes I have been searching for my whole life... and I imagine the conversation beginning something like,

'Before you met me I was a fairy princess.

Before you knew me I traveled the world.

I believe in Fairy Tales and Dreamers Dreams... so many of mine have come true.

Before you met me I saw Fireflies and I thought of you.'

Tonight when I was driving home Fireflies came on the Shuffle, and I sighed a deep slow steady breath. One week from tonight I will be arriving at Candice's door. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I am glad for the time I will get to spend in the company of precious family. They loved me tremendously well five years ago, and I know its a direct reflection of the love they shared and had for Bill- who in turn gave me... the world in freedom to experience it from a child given to Stan or as an adult who could pursue every last random dream in his passing.

Fireflies & Fairy Tales. Dreamers Dreams.

A dark night sky illuminated always leads me back to you.

Can't wait to fill you in on the rest.