Today has been a good day. A refreshing one, one that most reflects myself at home. I am having a kind of New York moment right now. I am sitting next to a fountain in a park and all around me the city watches. From my view I can see the high rise Condo's, office buildings and nestled in between all of them: a red brick historic church. It kind of looks like it has been there for centuries and has claimed its space among all the changes that have happened among and around it.
I expected in going into this time in California that I would have good days, and have hard days. I did not know how frequent or difficult they would range, but I did not consider myself naive in projecting what the emotional journey would look like. Sometimes we get very caught up in what we want to project to our crowd of witnesses, that we neglect the truest moments and things about living. We are drawn to rawness, chaos, stillness and beauty. We would always chose in our hearts something real that has value in being full of challenge or joy. My relationships are better when I'm honest, when I am forgiving and when I am who I really am, without distraction or hidden agenda...my relationships are a truer example of Christ when I am more focused on Him and how I am growing through the changes and challenges with Him.
I do not know why I have been unable to be vulnerable in all moments associated in being away. I have struggled with how to articulate my experience, what I am doing, what I've seen- more than just surface things...and in turn have let myself feel isolated by my own life. I found the highs and lows to be refreshing bursts of light that have been so amazing I have not been able to squint or look away. I am still amazing by my adventure and have looked around my surroundings and wondered to a profound silence, "My goodness, is this my life? How did I end up being so lucky?"
When the voices of silent judgement cease and I am not longer consumed with my doubts and questions I have felt the truest Grace in my relationship with the Lord and with myself. I have had the intense privilege the past four weeks to have seen countless sunsets over the Pacific Ocean and various city sky lines. I have made friends on planes, in Starbucks, and pool side. I have been able to quiet the voice of obligation and stress of productivity and wake up everyday and do whatever it is I want. I have felt the wonder of a child as I have discovered someplace new. I have felt the discouragement in not being able to locate a destination when using Google maps as a guide. I have longed for my dog on more occasions than I care to admit. I have tried to forget friendships and relationships a far because their physical absence was just a little too raw. I have tried to communicate what my absolute needs are to myself- which has prevented me from shopping too much. I have been able to sit by the pool for seven hours with nothing else to do than swim and read a book in one sitting. I have resisted picking up the phone and calling someone to share a moment every time I smiled or laughed. I learned that I can be by myself for the longest stretch of time ever- and be content.
I have found ways to include friends in subtle and in practical routine moments in my everyday life away from home. Like, when at a used music store looking at old records for a friend that he might use to decorate his room in his new place.
When ordering something at a restaurant- I sometimes think about what a particular friend would order if present, and I chose what I think he would. He would be upset if we ordered the same thing if he were there anyway.
When, watching a heinously funny movie or reading something ridiculous I imagine someone there laughing at the same things at the same time- and then quoting (or singing) it to each other with fits of giggles for days on end.
When, I find myself losing my focus or getting obsessed with a particular detail or situation I think of her sitting there with me and listening to my every segway, for expressing her empathy through tears like mine, for every movie we attempted to watch but talked instead.
Countless more moments have woven there to here and back again. From the infrequent phone conversations I have been able to rely on the memory of a voice- and the faces that give birth to their thoughts and laughter. If I had a penny for every time a thought crossed my heart in reference to any one of you or something we have shared, I could afford the moon and the stars. This time away has encouraged me to to continue to dream outside the box... and the friends that are my family have been there for each place and each moment.
I have been sitting here in this park for about an hour. The sun has slid behind the city sky scrapers, children are playing in the fountain- and I am kept warm by the stone bench that has absorbed the sun's attention all day. Today is Sunday, and it has been a great day. Tomorrow I have a reservation for a sunset cruise on the Bay, under the Golden Gate Bridge and onto Alcatraz. Tuesday is my last full day here, and I do not have a specific plan. The weather is supposed to take a cooler turn- while the skies still sunny and clear. Whatever happens- its going to be fabulous.
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