forgiveness.

This winter while watching Oprah I heard a quote about forgiveness. I don't remember exactly whom she was speaking to, but I do remember hearing her thought on it and just have not let it go. She says,

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different."

It struck me as interesting because I don't know how often I have acknowledged that when hurting, or struggling through something either because of my choices or the damage of someone else, that part of the hurt, part of the pain is that innate desire for it to have been different. The hope. That burn and ache that you could go back and change the situation, the dynamic, the conversations, the whatever it is that was in motion that led to the wrong doing.

I have been thinking a lot a lot a lot about forgiveness recently. Some people say that they forgive but never forget. The Dixie Chicks have a whole song about not being ready to make nice. Scripture says a lot about forgiveness. Jesus models this on the cross to "forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34 We are commanded in Matthew 6:14, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

Ok.

Then there's Grace. We sing how amazing it is. We know that we do not deserve it. And most of the time we struggle with standing before another asking for it.

Last year in the midst of an incredibly painful conversation and crossroads I pulled every ounce of courage together and asked someone for Grace. It was hard. But I knew that even though I didn't deserve it, that I wanted it. That I believed that God could and would work in anything, and anything was possible. I knew that asking their forgiveness was important, and had already done so. But in that moment, in that place of raw emotion I also knew it was all about Grace.

Months and months later. This same person whom had fought with me and against me was in a similar moment I had been. This time however, the request came from them to me about their actions. It was a full circle moment. I cried. And I said, "You realize that this is the one thing I asked that day." Living in forgiveness and hope for not the past to be different, I pushed and worked very hard for the future to be. It has been a difficult road. There have been several aspects of the relationship I have not understood, and there are many raw feelings lining the story. And while I ask for explanation and I wait for answers, I know that in my heart there is Grace... and there is Forgiveness... and for that place, person, and in this time: I know its the right thing.

Some people are bold enough to ask for it.

Some people just wait for it to come.

Some people never understand they have it.

Some people waste time looking back, instead of ahead.

But how do you know when enough is enough?

Unrelated to the above story I knew someone once. They were not good for and to me. They were hurtful on levels that were so complicated it took a long time to realize the depth and degree in which my heart and mind were wounded. A few years ago I heard a Patti Labelle song called Two Steps Away. In it she sings,

"I don't understand my life.

Or the version that chose you...

I'm two steps away from loneliness,

I'm awake

From the mess we made,

I'm alive."

I don't know how many times when looking at the span of my life or relationships in the past years as I have worked hard to heal, understand and move on from them into future- that I have said to myself regarding choices, "I don't understand the version of me that chose you, but I'm awake from the mess, and I'm alive." The strength and confidence propel me to keep moving, to keep growing, to keep loving, and to not be stuck in the past cycles of hurt or regret.

My questions as of late are, when you forgive someone for wrong doing, or being damaging, does that also mean you jump back in? Is it really forgiveness if you don't trust them with your heart in some ways? Doesn't forgiveness mean that the slate is clean, and all is new?

I think what I've been able to piece together in small fragments as I push and fight through this is that there is nothing ungodly about being cautious. To trust your instincts, to listen to your heart and what you think the Lord is whispering.

I have found forgiveness in situations that I didn't think it would be possible. I have been able to experience renewed hope, perspective, communication, and joy for what is, and what is coming. The pain for the past and hurtful conversations are like ghosts. When living in darkness they loom at each and every corner, and are scary. But living in light? There's nothing there to spook or startle. They disappear.

I am debating boundaries and I am terrified in my caution. I have amazing people to talk this out with that are Godly, mature, and wise. I am led in great ways when I'm able to be vulnerable about this conversation I've been having with myself.

I have been forgiven and I forgive.

I have been thankful for the moments that I have had to swallow my pride, and say "I was wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive me."

Some of those moments are when words are too sharp, sometimes they are when moods are too high. Sometimes it is so easy to spill out the words of an apology that we aren't aware of what the plight actually means.

I know that for some the apology never comes. And I know that some relationships fail in that desolate and dark place.

I know that some people are worth pursuing forgiveness and healing for, and everything is made new because of the journey. But that there are others, that the journey means only that the past is the past, its healed, it cannot hurt you any longer... you have moved on, and you can live a life with love, and Grace for whom hurt you, but that its different. And different isn't a lack of love. It's just wisdom. A discerning heart.

But. Sometimes. That heart is just plain ole confusing.

And so here we are. Working through it.