Finding Nemo

Tonight I came home from work and Krystal wasn't home. In the best way possible I was thankful. She's been great having here, but it was awesome to walk in the door to Gracie and Bruce... take my shoes off, put on a long sleeve t-shirt and shorts, make some toast, and sit down on the couch to find Finding Nemo on ABC Family. And just be quiet. In the house. Alone.

I started watching within minutes of it beginning, and though I have seen the movie before- it has been a few years and it felt new. If its any indicator of where my emotional/mental space is, let me be vulnerable and share that when Nemo went out into the open water and was captured by the scuba diver... my heart hurt. Like ached. Then I was able to laugh at jokes I didn't remember, and was captivated by the adventure like I was 5.

What struck me however was different today. Perhaps also because I am just going through some big stuff right now, so of course there are deep spiritual/relational connections I would otherwise fly by in just childlike joy.

Two things:

1) When Nemo is in the fish tank and the pelican goes to the Dentist Office to relay the news that Marlin was taking on the Ocean in pursuit of getting to Sydney to find Nemo... The pelican describes Marlin meeting turtles, and fighting jellyfish, and blowing up Sharks- and tells the story of this huge big courageous adventure. All to rescue his son. Nemo knowing the father that was scared of the ocean, and scared to let him be free was in disbelief, but then finally believed when the pelican described his dad and new his name.

Marlin fought jellyfish. Sharks. And his fear. To get to his son.

I began to think about the fight. The drive. The desire and love and innate motion of our hearts to pursue, protect, and preserve those we love. How the greatest example of love in this space is from Christ. He didn't fight the ocean... but he conquered the grave- and that's pretty spectacular. "If grace is an ocean, then we're all sinking" came to mind a lot while watching this beloved Pixar film.

Since Krystal has been here I've done a lot, and I mean a LOT of thinking/soul searching/prayer about the relationships in my life, who is and isn't safe, and everyone else in between. I am really confused about some big stuff. I'm trying to work through what forgiveness and grace look like in my life, and where it needs to grow and mature. I'm struggling with feeling like some things need a different direction, and then the desire for wanting more. It's a confusing place right now in my heart. No joke.

To an extent we are all in a fish tank. Waiting for someone to come rescue us and take us home. How thankful that the God of the universe fights darkness and the resistance of my own stubborn heart to rescue me. Because I am His. How amazing.

2) Dory is pleading with Marlin to not leave her when they've been dropped back in the ocean after they've seen Nemo, believed to be dead. She explains to him that when she is around him she remembers everything, and that he is home to her.

Some people are like that.

Some people can be gone for a long while, and then return and its as if... no time had passed.

The people I am at home with make me feel a lot like Marlin makes Dory feel.

I remember things too.

I remember that laughter is the best and brightest part of the day.

I remember that love wins.

I remember that I am not alone.

I remember that my heart and journey matter.

I remember that being vulnerable about the truth, allows burdens to be carried.

We can share long silences in the car without needing to pollute the space with words.

We can finish each others sentences, and anticipate the next thought.

It's the people you can talk to for an endless night, and still not want to go to bed and miss anything when the morning breaks.

Finding Nemo made me thankful for a God that loves, pursuits, fights, and captivates me.

And for those whom he has given to share this life with. To feel like home when home is a hard place to sometimes discover.

I am tired. On an emotional scale. I am more then worn out. I am enjoying my sister being here, there is nothing to say about that other then I am sure the Lord is blessing this time. But the honest truth is that relationships themselves are a battle, and I know that I'm fighting a few right now. Would just love one day. Of quiet. I know that I could wish away the moments I have for something I think that would be better. But I ache for the movement of water, the sun on my back, a book in my hands, a wrist with no watch, and a cell phone with no signal. And then of course after that quiet day has come and gone, the clarity I am so desperately searching for as I battle through some heavy and weighted issues of the heart... might arrive?

Tonight. Thankful for a moment of respite in watching Finding Nemo in an otherwise quiet house before Krystal joined me at home.