As he was preparing to leave I told him if he found me a job I would take it. So... the Sales Manager position is open on the ship (its a Retail management/buying) position. I know that Seth didn't actually think if he sent me the email I would really pray about it, or really entertain it. (Wait... or did you?). We would socially dominate that ship. It'd be hysterical.
In recent months I have been praying a lot about the future post this summer. I am not sure if the Africa job will be open then, but I know that the timing right in this moment is a little off. But what I love about the way that God works, is that everything is connected and tuned into his purpose and great plans. Africa got me thinking about other things. And yes, other countries. Other purposes.
Right now I feel particularly attached to America. Which is strange, because in the past 5 years I would not have said that is at all been how I've felt. I don't know if that is the Lord moving in my heart to create a settling down maturity, or just fear telling me not to be one that goes. I am not sure. That is probably the one thing I am trying to discern, most. Usually I can make decisions based on an innate gut reaction. I know that its really the Lord, and its just felt so deeply in the pit of my body that I just go with it. My head argues with my heart as the heart just pleads to take the leap of faith and jump. Africa has spun a lot of thoughts. Feelings. Dreams. Fears. I have been able to narrow down what I don't want- which is a lot like trying to get me to pick a place to eat. I can tell you no, but I cannot for the life of me pick (unless its the Cheesecake Factory).
As a whole I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, and drained. My sister Krystal is going through a difficult period and has moved in with her dog Bruce for awhile. I would not trade the opportunity to love, care, and be there for her for anything. Especially after we have missed out on so much of each other's lives for the past 15 years. The Lord has done miraculous things in that relationship. I still marvel at how different it is, we are, she is, and I am from growing up, moving out, and becoming adults. Every aspect of that journey could have its own book. I would never say being in the house, having her here, or Bruce here is a burden. It's been a joy.
Yet there is this sadness that I can't shake, and perhaps that is because of the part of the journey she is trying to sort through and decide. It's not my battle, and its not my choice. But its still hard. And when you love someone you still ache to appease the difficulty or at least have a magic wand to erase it. My sleep patterns are way off, which is typically among the first three indicators that I am struggling. The first one comes with the two word status, "I'm tired". Then you could examine eating, am I doing well with it or am I skipping meals and making poor choices? Then comes how am I sleeping? And finally, am I engaged in things that bring me joy?
Right now I'm holding onto the joy like a swing rope, trying not to fall into the river as it carries me away. I'm off tomorrow and we we are going to Richmond to see Josh Groban in concert. That, will bring me joy. I am pumped for the day hanging out, shopping, dinner, joyful singing, and then hopefully return happily to my bed. It will be a good, much needed, great day. I am off again on Thursday and then work a full stretch before Mandy comes. I need that visit.
It's hard when trying to sort through big life questions/issues/debates or when you are supporting someone else as they tackle their own- to remember to call, to say yes to dinners, to pursue anything. So I might feel like an Island, and I might feel a little out there and just alone on this piece of sand in the middle of the ocean. But I know in my heart that's not true. My brother recently was asking me how I was, and everything happening here. I just asked that he helped by asking me that question again, and again. Just in case I have something worth noting or a request, so that I will be pushed to say it out loud. And I said that the one thing that I needed was phone calls like that. That I felt encouraged, supported, and capable by being able to share what I was thinking and feeling. Because right now I just suck at pursuing it myself.
This morning I was watching the MTV special I had saved on Lady Gaga. She was commenting on how touring the world makes the world seem linear and small even- but that in actuality the world is HUGE. She says that riding her bicycle in NYC reminds her that the world is BIG, in part because it takes so much longer to get somewhere, but that she has to remember to look up at the stars in the NYC night. She knew after all the work and in her devotion to her fans, that she also needed that bike ride to restore/reflect/be one with the journey. She says simply, "You just have to look up".
If there is one thing that I love about summer nights after the rain has poured in the day, and the sky has cleared is how bright and blue the night sky looks. The moon right now is almost full. When you swing on the hammock, and after your eyes adjust to the darkness you can see the stars and moon put on their nightly show... and its just magical. It reminds me that the stars and moon in the sky are true everywhere. They are in the dark sky in Africa over those serving with Mercy Ships, they are above the orphanage in China where I was a year ago this week... they are above a Young Life camp as kids battle their way through the obstacle course on a Night One, and they are above me as I continue to open up my heart, my arms, my hands to the God of the universe that placed each one of them in their most perfect place...
you just have to look up.
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