I have never really written about this before. I've alluded to "taking care of myself" and in some ways have documented parts of the journey here. But for the most part due to the nature of the syndrome, I think I can now acknowledge due to my insecurity, I have maintained a tight lip. However, I have realized in recent months that this is a huge part of my life. Its something I think about most of the day most days. Those closest to me are aware of the general history and vision, and I'm grateful that I have had support during the seasons of more intensified struggle. It's worth writing about. It's part of my story. I have despised it, resented it, and I've hated it. In a moment of growth I realized in the wake of the recent events below the importance of how sharing our stories, eases the burden in which we carry. And it also encourages others that are dealing with their own struggles, that they are not alone. Hope is contagious.
In the past year I started growing more and more concerned with the treatment plan given by my Dr. and doubted some larger things happening. Not having a medical history on my paternal side, and knowing only that which my mother and aunt have struggled from in the years in their own lives- I had and continue to have reasons to be cautious and skeptical.
In January I decided to sign up and do the 1/2 Wine and Dine Marathon in Disney World. It felt like the most perfect idea. I would have to eat enough calories to support the burn of training, I would be taking my medicine, and of course just the exercise on its own would be life giving. Yup. I enlisted Emily and Kristyn. Accountability on every level.
After some time training, and finding small pieces of success in weight loss I just couldn't let go that something was not right. I made a Dr.'s apt. We met. I didn't cry. I simply explained that my headaches were more frequent, I was experiencing a lot of fatigue, my eye sight goes in and out of being my prescription, and not to mention for the calories and exercise my weight made no sense.
The more emotional issue however was that... You see, I've never felt strongly about carrying my own children. This is mostly due to the fact I was never quite sure I could. In my teenage years I daydreamed about adoption, and I planned it that way in my heart. You'd think spending time in an orphanage would only amplify the plan to adopt. However last summer in China at New Day, I kept circling around and around the idea and desire that I wanted my children. That I wanted to adopt still a child one day because I believe so much in that gift. But that I wanted to meet the combination of love from my spouse and me. I have never never felt that way before in my life. Never. Never. Never. Never. While in China in that emotional space, grew the desire that despite the fears I had held onto and anxieties I have rooted from my own childhood, conviction that my past would not doom my success at being a mother. This was probably the greatest shift in my heart while in China. I was able to recognize in my life I have been maternal, and I have embraced it, just have not always owned what it was. I was then able to start letting go of the fear I had associated with pain and heartache of the past, and started to embrace that God is restoring me and relieving me of those paralyzing fears. At the end of the summer after so much time with my Sister's I was able to recognize how I was Momma Hen to them. That I was able to express, care, and love for them the way I had feared I wasn't sure I would be able to in the future, for my own fold. It was right it front of me. (a grateful heart for that lesson learned)
In March at my Dr. apt I asked for the first time in a long time if it was unreasonable to desire/expect/want that so much, in light of not knowing why my body was not making that potential easier (mind you, I am NOT trying to get pregnant... just thinking ahead). She looked at me and honestly said she was confident I could carry a child, but not sure how we would get me there if I didn't start responding to plan already in place. My question led to a different course of action, and so I left feeling incredibly concerned about the return of old bad 'fasting' eating and control habits adopted during the Europe trip most specifically.
Boldly trusting her plan, I reduced sugar dramatically and became completely strict about my diet (it is her belief that by gaining control of the insulin and dropping the weight my hormones will kick start cycles which have never operated on their own without periodic prescription assitance). We had a 6 week apt. scheduled as a follow up to look at blood work, pursue more testing to see if in the fertility spectrum there were more things happening then just the absence of cycles. I was with my friend JJ that day. We were on our way to Williamsburg to go shopping at the Outlets and have dinner with my brother. I was able to share my concerns, and I was able to be authentically real in the fear. I was glad to not be alone.
I sent out a prayer email that night when I returned from the day. I hope everyone in life has a support system in place like I do. They are amazing. With the encouragement received from some very special responses I went on my way. About three weeks into the new plan, I sprained my ankle pretty bad. It was terrible. I was pissed.
However, my weight dramatically changed. I went into my follow up exam confident that despite an injury, and some more prominent symptoms that my body on an insulin resistance/metabolism spectrum was responding. For the first time in a long long time. She was thrilled. We decided to continue on this path for another set of weeks, and would continue to check blood panels.
Recently runDisney created a fan page on Facebook. Everyday they post something interesting about running and Disney. The other day they asked for three words why people ran. Just three words. I have said since January that there was only one true reason.
For My Kids.
The 2 parts of this struggle and journey are difficult. There is the coordination of an incredibly strict diet which is physical is one huge part. And then there is the emotional side of the fertility. The battle of hormones and the way that impacts mood swings and depression are exhausting and sometimes excruciating.
My brother sat with me on the phone after my follow up and talked to me about the appointment. I explained that I was optimistic, but that I was tired. Not one for fluff, he spoke in his well known steadfast voice of reason, "You are the most equipped and capable person I know for this journey. You are the most patient and determined. So even though this is hard, and keeps changing, you are the best one for this- you will over come it." I sat in the Walmart parking lot and cried. And cried.
Since then I've had some major things change.
My hormones AND endocrine system are changing and responding. Weight has always been a number. I have always been thankful for an intense awareness in Christ that has not let me be paralyzed by insecurity in the physical side of my life. Yet. When the physical changes, you tend to play catch up in your mind and you forget that its really morphing. I never started this to be thin, or to look different. I started this because I knew if I went untreated and went off the plan I would not be able to in the years to come, participate in my own life the way my dreams and heart desired. For My Kids. Because seriously, people.... they are going to be hysterical.
Recently I have seen some people I have not seen in a long time. One flat out asked how much weight I had lost, not knowing the complexity of that question and believing that its just a weight loss accomplishment. I didn't reveal the number. I didn't reveal this story. I just stood and said "a bunch". Followed by their question, "What are you doing?"
Fundamentally weight loss always always comes down to two things: diet and exercise.
For me however, there are many many other things to consider. Its not something Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, or Atkins are able to cure. It's not something my medicine controls or fixes. It is a constant evaluation of where I'm at, what my 'new' baseline is, how receptive my body is to the plan, and continuing to adjust. Always adjusting.
Unfortunately I am still not able to run. Per Dr.'s orders I am not allowed to really truly run on my ankle until the swelling is nearly gone, due to the chronic nature of the sprain and wanting to avoid fracturing it before the ligaments are healed. This is frustrating to the girl who 6 months ago decided to RUN a 1/2 Marathon. But I am committed to participating in it, even if it takes me 3 1/2 hours to walk it. I am doing it. Because I promised myself and I set a goal. And just because it doesn't and might not look like how I originally planned it, does not mean its not a goal achieved and success completed. It will still be, For My Kids.
Our minds are tricky and complicated landscapes of illusions and realities. I had long convinced myself that my PCOS would never be under control or in a manageable place. Every woman who has it struggles differently, and common factors are still very unique to the chemistry and biology of the woman. It is hard to feel support in that place, and sometimes I ache for true empathy from someone who has been there, or is there now.
This morning I celebrated in my bathroom a new number on the scale. A huge milestone was passed last week, and this morning I was able to embrace more loss. A new body. Clothes in my closet do not fit. I have bought some new pieces, and it amazes me to try on sizes in stores that I can't remember in my adult life being able to slip on. The number doesn't matter as much to me as it did in the past, and the scale is not the truest reflection of the change.
Wrapping my mind around what this means for my future, regardless of who is sitting at my dinner table, is made more secure in the progression and fight for better health. I may never actually be a runner, and I may never get married and have children of my own. But I am thankful that by owning I want it, and believe I am worth the fight, I am finding such sweet and different freedom in my life.
And also. By sharing the real journey, the real struggles. The parts that mean I am consumed in anxiety or fear about a Dr.'s apt. That I fight deep seeded anxiety that even after all of this triumph I will still encounter a battle with Cysts or Cancers (family medical history can be intimidating). Recently while sitting over coffee I was explaining to someone where I was at with all of this. The question posed was, "why wouldn't you get everyone to pray?" It was too soon at the time to own, acknowledge or admit that the reason I had been quiet had not been because its weird talking about fertility issues- especially when not married and not trying to get pregnant. It was just fear and doubt. That it would matter. That my struggle and journey would matter. That after being vulnerable about the one deepest, darkest, hardest doubt and struggle that, I would be left feeling hurt. I underestimated myself, and my friends. Since then I've openly talked about the highs and lows of the plan, and I've tried becoming more vulnerable with those who I know do pray for this part of my life.
This is my most bold attempt at that process.
Because this right now in my life, is my current battle. It consumes thought, it is exhausting, difficult, never ending, and is just plain old annoying as hell.
The success isn't found in a number on the scale, or on the inside tag of my jeans.
The true success is found when I look at the two pictures below and recognize a long fought, often jumbled journey of where I've been, who I've been- to who I have become. And while I appreciate and love where I've been, I am so thankful that I am becoming more then I ever thought was possible as I dig deep, grow, heal, and change into the woman that is right now the 2nd picture... as I work towards the woman I am to become.
For My K i d s.
2nd picture is from this week, as I continue to celebrate over half way to goal.
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