Summer Time

Summer time is approaching. My association with summer coincides with school being let out for the extended break, and camp starting at Rockbridge. The school buses are still tranporting kids from their homes earlier in the day to the insitutions in which they will be filled with all sorts of knowledge about history, math, science- and often times the most influential lessons they will ever know about who they are as people, and what their future purpose will be.

Camp starts up at Rockbridge next weekend, and I have many thoughts about the arrival of the first group as I will not be a witness to all that goes on during their six day stay. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to love Summer Staff, Interns, Assignment Teams, and Campers in the past. I don't desire that role again, or still, I know that I am not supposed to park my car behind the dining hall and walk across camp to my little office in the Gothic. The truth that I know deeply and truly is that camp is not where I am supposed to be, and it is what combats the love I have still for the ministry that takes place there, and for my best friends that work there. My role will be different, and I am excited that I get to support them in the summer with prayer, encouragement, and an emphathetic ear that will not be overwhelmed by the machine of what camp is at full speed.

I have my own anxiety about being reintroduced to my friends at the end of the summer when their lives calm down, and I have sensed my stress level rise in association with wondering how this summer is going to be not sharing in what they are going to be pouring themselves into. I have prayed as the summer approaches that my fear would subside, and that what would prevail would be my new purpose in light of this very different season.

In the works of purpose I have begun a list of things that I would like to do and accomplish as goals for the next three months. This idea kind of comes from Betty Cabell who last summer had a running of list of things she wanted to do, like making pasta salad, learning Spanish, etc... my list changes daily and for weeks I didn't even think to put it in a compiled format. But the desire to be organized and my little controlling voice that wants EVERYTHING orderly and perfect has reasoned that if I don't start writing it down, I will forget about it. The starting list consists of:

1) Going to the beach and watching the Sunrise.
2) Spending a girls weekend with Julie in Kentucky (which I have already selected a weekend, this list is working out well).
3) Read the four books I took with me on every trip but chose easy reading over.
4) Throwing Matt's 25th Birthday Party in July. Yes Matty, I've been thinking about it a lot recently.
5) Finish the Book.
6) Paint the bathroom... that may not happen until September, but thats ok.

Alright, so its a short list. My mind has a million little ideas and aspirations racing around that I am trying to get together into a purposeful course of action. I think what I am hoping most for is a break. The past five summers have each had their specific challenge and emotional strain, I think its time for this one to go by without any sort of trauma! The anxiety I have associated with death and heartache continues and I have sensed myself get all sorts of sensitive with news of trouble in lives of those I love, almost like I am waiting for a shoe to drop.

How can I allow room in my heart for the Lord to heal these nonsensical worries? I am certain that I am in better hands following His plan and Will. I am convicted of the ways that I need to mature and grow in my relationship with Him. I am overwhelmed with the ways that I am loved well by Him during all the bouts of moodiness, unsatisfaction, and disapointment. He is more then enough. I am not quite sure how to let His abundance and Grace to take a more centerstage precense in my life and allow the corners and crevices that anxiety and doubt reign to disipate. I have hope in the perspective I am able to articulate about this area, I know that understanding this point of view is half the battle. I am thankful that I am past the point of thinking I control everything, or settling for less than I really deserve or desire.

This Summer I have many hopes. I am thankful that hope floats. It will rise above all the things I worry about, and all the things that I will spend too much time thinking about that may never happen. Hope is something that I have taken for granted, at times when I have lacked it- I have envied how others are so easily able to embrace it... and sometimes I have relied on theirs to carry me through.

Illness

I have been kicked on my behind with sickness... seriously people, I have been knocked out and completely exhausted for the past two days. I sensed a sore throat, coughing, and general achiness beginning on Thursday but I kept moving at my normal pace. Yet, Sunday night I was up for two hours coughing and decided to take my amazing cough medicine from when I had bronchitis before Christmas. I was knocked out until noon on Monday, was up for an hour, then passed back out until after 3pm. I thought that if I took a shower, put a dress on, and headed out into town that I would feel better- unfortunately not and I missed an entire day yesterday of living because I slept almost the entire day.

I am coming out of the illness cloud of confusion and I am trying to get my energy up and my body moving again. I came to work today and have been coughing and trying not to choke when talking to people, the steady flow of Diet Coke has surely helped.

What I am thankful for in light of feeling poorly is that my health was protected during the days I needed most to be at my full speed. I had dinner with the friend I've been missing in my life on Friday, a reunion of sorts. Resolution came from the conflict we'd experienced, and my heart felt content in having him back in my life sitting across from me while enjoying what we referred the "unemployment salad bar" at Ruby Tuesday's. My heart needed that dinner, and my body held off the all consuming illness so that I could participate fully in that evening.

Moving into Saturday and Sunday I was able to spend quality time with friends that I miss so much in the distance. I had one of those 'you understand completely' conversations with my friend Julie on Sunday that I knew was completely planned and placed by the Lord. She has become one of those women in my life that I can be completley blunt with about where I am in my relationships with friends, and with Jesus. She is emphathetic and she is compassionate... most of all she gets it. That night I was able to spend some quality time with Kerri, and she too lent a listening ear, thoughtful encouragement and insight, and giggles too. Going to bed that night I felt encouraged well, I felt heard well, and I felt entirely wrapped up in the comfort of having such two fantastic women in my life to share this journey with.

Sharing this time of my life has been difficult, as I've had to work through all that I've thought, felt, and struggled with in articulation. I have been challenged in love, and I have been carried in prayer. I am thankful for Kerri and Julie, and I am thankful for the others that have remained still, solid, and sturdy. So despite feeling sad about being sick, I have been joyful in the quality of conversation I was able to partake in during the weekend. Life is good.

You Think You Know

According to the opening line and credits of the old show "Diary" on MTV, "you think you know, but you have no idea".

I have had some really interesting conversations recently that have changed the periscope in which I have viewed my life, surroundings, and relationships. In that process I continue to say to myself "Oh Kari, you think you know but you have no idea". The grace that comes in that moment that is offered to myself, is one that I'm finally able to accept... again. Its like one of those things that when we do it well, we think "it will always be that way", and then when we lose the grip and focus, we wonder "will I be able to get that back? How did I get there in the first place?".

I have had quite the weekend, its Ohio Leadership Weekend at Rockbridge and so I've been reunited with many that I love that don't live close by. I have had great quick catch up chats on porches, and I have walked blindly by someone only to think a second later that I knew them from summers ago. Among those passing moments and affectionate exchanges have lived some real conversations, vulnerability, challenges, and encouragement. I went into the weekend knowing that I would laugh a lot, and that I would be joyful seeing friends. What I didn't realize was how not being at camp full time has facilitated changes in who I am, and what my purpose in life is- which is a different context in many friendships that have formed and maintained on camp property. Noticing that change in me, and that change in my life really came into focus today and it brought a sense of gratitude for some friendships that I have that completely live, grow, and breathe independently from Rockbridge.

I am still figuring out my short term and long term vision for life, growth, and change outside/inside of Virginia. While I am barely out of month two in the new job with the bank, I know its premature to plan leaving it or here. I wouldn't say I'm planning anything specific, and I wouldn't say that I am unhappy in what I'm doing. I think its best described as saying, I know that this isn't "It" forever. I know that its good, its what God desires for me in my life right now, but the dreamer in my spirit continues to dream...and instead of being met with my controlling planner- it lives simply and freely in passing thoughts, random ideas, and hopes.

I long still for a clear message on the point. I still desire for knowledge and direction beyond what I'm being offered. I still want to know, even though I am aware that I still would 'have no idea'. Today at Church we were offered a question "Who Governs Your Life?" In the past few months I would have been able to respond to that with varying answers, and even in the past few weeks my emotional response could have been defiant, assured, manic, crazy, or content... it all just would have depended on the moment.

While I operate my life under the subconscious notion that I am aware and know the direction, the line comes to mind more often recently that I think I know, but I have no idea. I think I'm returning to the place in my mind where I am OK with that reality... its a more truthful place and a more submissive to the Lord governing my life then I have found myself abiding by recently. The growth continues.

Vulnerability

I have been getting back into writing again, I have been more intentional here on the blog, but more specifically I have returned to the book. I abandoned it for a few weeks, and I was unable to get myself through and beyond the particular time and place I was writing about: Thailand. I felt many things as I was writing about my time there, but I was stuck. I can't tell you how many times I opened up the 42,000 word document and would read a little bit of what I had written, and then I would close it down. I was unable to move through and get past where I was in the timeline, and I was unable to get into the heart of what I was thinking and feeling about what I was writing about. I was supressing the response in being vulnerable.

Now that I'm back into the groove of myself and am back into writing here, I have experienced the sensations of awareness return and the release I have felt in being able to articulate my thoughts, experiences and feelings. One of the greatest things I have been able to draw from this blog that I began last summer has been the freedom in the open forum. I have written about things I rarely speak of, and I have been able to process feelings that I often time race right through without stopping to ponder. The vulnerablity here has been tremendous to my heart, and I have been humbled by the responses from those that have read what I've written.

Am I serving those that read what I've had to say by writing it? Have I helped others grow, and connect to me, and themselves? Have I removed some layers and walls that otherwise would remain callused around my heart?

I am now beginning a place in my book that will require a truth and vulnerablity about the transition into this current moment that has been difficult. I have thought I could round out the pages with beginning the job, and in some ways riding off into the sunset. I have been challenged to write about it all, that its all important and relevant. This challenge comes at an interesting time as I've been able to gather my mind around the time at hand and what it is going to mean to me in the future.

I know that we are supposed to be vulnerable in relationships, with the Lord, and ourselves. I wish that I felt like I could be more emotionally exposed than I typically operate, but I know that I'm doing better. I can reflect on the past year and see great strides to communicate thoughts and feelings of the heart that I have been able to go to those places in silence, and with others. The world I currently live is operating at a much more predictable pace. I am sensing myself normalize and stabilize in my job, with my home life, and the continuing perfection of the many hats I wear.

I am laughing. I am creating. I am writing. I am talking. I am listening. I am opening my heart up to more then I have in the past. I am listening to more of the truth. I am grateful to those that have carried my burdens on their shoulders. I am responding to the challenge to write the complete story, and not just what I want people to know. The world I know is one that I am continuing to work my way through, and one that I am contemplating all the directions I could one day go.

"Are we listening to hyms of offering?
Have we eyes to see that love is gathering?
All the words that Ive been reading,
Have now started the act of bleeding into one.
So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the years roll down,
'cause its the world I know..."

Time Machines

Today I read some of my old blog posts, one of them dating back from September when I wrote about a particular play list I was obsessed with on my ipod. I remember that play list with great fondness, and I remember passing it along to a friend on a road trip once hoping that they'd find something they enjoyed. The great thing about those collection of songs were the varying themes running through each song, and how I completely identified with something specific in each one. There are lines and moments captured in the melodies that have inspired me, have moved me, and have completely taken me by surprise. Reading my explanations on songs that I played constantly in my car 9 months later was really interesting, and I found myself recreating the song list on my ipod this afternoon so that I could listen through some of the 15  that I have not listened to in ages. 

A time machine occurred. I remembered. I am glad that I have a body of music that I can play and it can take me back to a specific time and memory simply by staying in my current location. These things are important to me as I have desired elsewhere, and other adventures recently. To be inspired in the current moment, in the current time... well that is Jesus answering a prayer to be content. 

I am fortunate on so many levels, and in so many different capacities. I have a roof over my head that is safe, I have clothing to keep me warm, I have financial security, I have never truly wanted for anything that I have needed to survive.  Are those things enough? No. They can't be. I know that they aren't. I know that the currency my heart exchanges is not one that I can convert into monetary possession, or exchange for tangible things of this world. 

I am beginning to sense my gratitude return. I am beginning to sense the funk of the past month melt away, and what is emerging is not just the part of me that is grateful, its also the part of me that was completely inspired by 15 songs that defined a period of my life this fall. I asked a friend tonight if I could put two stars on the calendar because I felt like I have had two really good days... not that they didn't have their moments of frustration or general aggression, I just handled them with much more fluidity then I have been handling things in the not so recent past. He smiled... he said that as I went into work tomorrow that I'd have to remember and hold onto the goodness. I still think I deserve a star or two. 

I know that I referred to random difficulties or struggles in the past few posts, and I have been vague about situations or circumstances that have lent to feeling certain ways. What it all comes down to is that I have listened to the voice of doubt and insecurity over the voice of truth and reason for a good while recently. It has made an indelible mark in my general attitude, and the mood swings are in part because of it. I wish I could explain more of what has triggered this time of difficulty, and I wish I could complain about the ways that I have felt wronged or hurt. I know deep down that those things do not change the way I have perceived life, how I have handled life, or how it has attempted to break down things that I care about. They are just symptoms of a greater issue, and that issue has been about how to get back my heart into the concrete truth I believe- how to get the truth to be louder then the lies, and how to be honest in the process.

Today, I listened to songs that became a time machine. What was healthy about listening to them, is that for the first time I didn't wish for the benches, beaches, planes, trains, and automobiles. My joy and appreciation for the moments those songs dominated were strong, but my sense to be here in this moment, that is what won. The achievement in that sense is where my gratitude lives, it is where the issues I've been battling to win are becoming louder then the lies. I heard truth.

A Moon Lit Sky...

A full moon reigned in Lexington, Virginia last night. Leaving a movie Tex stopped and pointed out the sky, the moon, and the church... I otherwise would have completely walked to my car and driven everyone home without even noticing it. It should be no surprise that he saw it, he often sees things that I shuffle past, the bridge as I previously wrote about is a classic example. 

Mandy had a camera in her bag and we were able to spend a few minutes capturing the steeple, and the church before getting everyone back home. Leaving the boys house Tex let me take his camera to return back to main street to grab some other shots. I am thankful that Mandy didn't complain as I hung out on main street for ten minutes while she read 'Us Weekly' in the car. 

The point is not that the photos captured what I saw. If I could articulate to you the way that those moments made me feel, you'd think I was insane. Leaning up against the brick wall trying to steady my hand as I took the first photo's with Tex standing by watching, I felt... I felt like Me. I felt like all the time I have been spending trying to sort out how I feel about work, life, where I'm going, how I'm doing, what I can change, who I'm going to be, and how my relationships are changing just completely faded into the pitch black sky and I was using a part of my heart that I haven't in weeks. I was using my creative eye, I was using my point of view, and I was capturing something that utilized my vision. Not the part of my mind that I use at work, or the part of my heart I have found myself battling in the growth... It was me, an inspiration, and a push of a button. Tex remarked at my joy when I captured it just the way I wanted, and we laughed about how he was the one to notice it. 

Where is my solid ground? Where does it begin? 

I have found places across the country, and across the world that have brought me comfort, joy, peace and quiet. I have found moments in great distance that have changed my ears into a completely tuned and precise sense. I visit them in my memory- beaches that I have witnessed the sunset, benches on piers that I claimed as my own, and stretches of highway that have been the way to someone I love. 

I have relied on my relationship with the Lord to bring my heart down from the moods, and to wash His grace over my life. I have been protected, provided for, loved, and rallied around. I have not received this Grace he has given with open arms at all times, and I have struggled in accepting it from those I know love me. I have stumbled and I have tripped. The ground in this area is not solid... and I have been so frustrated at myself in this capacity that I have been stuck. I have been still in frustration, stuck in doubt. 

I think it is because of that journey and sorting out some stresses in my life that I have been praying for a moment that makes sense. A moment that I could see ways that I am accomplishing the 20 things on my unedited to do list below. 

That photo above, and the other dozen taken last night... taking them made me happy... taking them made me feel like the 'me' I've been missing since traveling stopped. They are where my solid ground begins- the joy in being creative and still for the moonlight... admiring God's creation in an otherwise black sky. 

Right now I am accutely aware of my switch of a mood, the stress that I haven't been handling well, and this particular time of growth I am sensing myself move through. I have heard what I've wanted to in conversations, and what I've wanted to hear has a negative filter that is difficult to silence. I have also been honest. I have been authentic. I have been vulnerable. These are fruits of this time, I am beginning to see the blessings and not just the frustrations. 

To one friend in particular, thanks for stopping. Thank you for tolerating the tears, and for continuing to show me more Grace than I can understand. Thank you for pointing out the bridges, and the moonlit skies in life. 

Unedited To Do List

Yesterday I was trying to get my brain organized by prioritizing all the tasks I wanted to accomplish this weekend. On the list I had the typical housekeeping points to get done, and then the other errands I was not able to complete during the week. I turned the page in the journal I have not been writing in as much as I would like and I began a list that included all things that could not be checked off in the time constraints of a weekend, but a continued journey in life. Those points are below:

1) Write More

2) Read More

3) Love More

4) Laugh More

5) Let Go.

6) Hold onto Truths

7) Understand Time

8) Drink Less Caffeine

9) Do What My Doctor Tells Me To

10) Find Purpose

11) Not Get So Sassy  

12) Understand My Mood Swings

13) Lessen the Panic When Expectation Isn't Met

14) Create More

15) Obsess Less

16) Want More of Christ, Less of What Distracts Me From Christ

17) Talk More... Stop Pushing the Limits

18) Choose NO over YES

19) Feel No Guilt About Above

20) Did I Mention Write More? Yes Kari, You Really Need To Get Back To That 

On my list I wanted to write 'Disappear'. It was that one word that worried me and made me take pause with the emotional ground I had covered in points 1-20. I think we all have moments that we would like to vanish out of, conversations we would like to delete out of our lives, and situations that we would like to vanish from. At first my thought of disappearance was simply a way out and away from all that I am required to do in my life, the schedule, the responsibility... I wanted to be able to take all that and push it to the side so I could have a moment to... a moment to breathe. 

I don't really want to vanish, and I don't really want to fly away. What I want is my answer to the choices I'm given to be that of my heart and not what I feel I have to do. I want to be able to say no in situations that I have been letting others persuade and guide me, and I want to be able to enjoy myself on my own without the pressure of self to be all things to all people, at all times and all places. I want my hyper sensitivity to disappear, and I want my concern to vanish... I want to filled with the Peace and Grace that the Lord has promised me time and time again.  

So instead of disappear, what I desperately desire is to appear. Back into the flow of my life that has a schedule and routine of working life and time restraints. Transitioning out of the 'my schedule is my own', and the days are filled with things of my own desire I have found rests most of my personal frustration. On this to do list, truly it all comes down to Grace. And the Grace that I have been unable to show myself in light of feeling inadequate, too busy, and not quiet enough. 

Snapshots and Time Management

Now that I'm working again full time I have sensed my lack of personal time management take a toll on my general mental health. I have not been able to get back into a routine of when I do my laundry, pick up my room, miscellaneous errands, or just some time to be quiet and alone. It has been frustrating and exhausting to be so critical of myself and all that I need to be doing better. 

My job requires that I interact with the public the entire day, and I am thrilled to be able to use my relational skills in the work place... and when I leave work my nightly schedule is typically dominated by the opportunity to see friends that I no longer work side by side with. I love having these two worlds separate, and have noticed the ease in which I am able to enjoy friends now without the pressure of knowing the 'inside camp quirks' in the same way I did when I worked there. But sometimes... I am unable to chose a time for me. I am unable to opt out. I need to be better about this. 

Recently I have had these snapshots shoot through my mind as a means of remembering a place, a time, a thought, a moment, that I desperately want to return too. A few of the include:

1) The Starbucks in Hong Kong. I sat in a particular Starbucks for an entire night just writing, reading, and people watching. I felt content there. I felt happy there. I felt like the distance was just an illusion and if I wanted to see someone I could just call them up and have them meet me there. It was first night I was alone after three weeks traveling with friends in Thailand, and I absolutely relished the notion of peace, quiet, and thinking about all that I had experienced away up to that point. I talked casually to those sitting around me, and I wrote endlessly about the future, the past, and the present. I thought I knew what was going to happen when I got back to the states, I was sure I had the entire thing planned. Looking back on that night of writing I can see how wrong and right I had been in the same moment. Sometimes when driving to work, or doing housekeeping in my house I wish to be transported to that Starbucks in Hong Kong.

2) Christmas Family House Dinner Gift Exchange: Our last House Dinner before Christmas was our gift exchange, and it was a snapshot of love that I have not forgotten. It is easy to complain and sometimes bicker about the things in community that are imperfect, and things that should/need to change to better us all... I will admit I get caught up sometimes in how things, people, and situations need to be better, that I neglect the moments of love, friendship, and family that we have all taken part of. When I have sensed myself impatient recently, I sense my heart linger to a time of complete joy- laughter, tears of gratitude, and joy. I go back to that night. I go back to those glances across the room when a gift was opened, and I go back to the way we all loved each other despite our differences and desires for better. 

3) The Hammock: Last summer when I debated leaving my job I spent many hours wrestling the ideas on the phone while laying in the Hammock at my house. It has become a part of the story, as I remember what I did, who I talked to, and what I said. The intention for my time of unemployment was articulated to my parents and those who loved me as I rested under the trees covered in the shade, swinging back and forth. I laughed while talking about joining the Circus, I cried as I described my torn heart in leaving Staff, and I was still while listening to the encouragement from every important person in my life tell me I was doing the right thing. It was there that the journey into and of self begun... on the hammock sometimes just staring at the trees swaying, sometimes talking, and even a nap or two to rest the heart from the exhaustion. As the work has begun up again in my life, I have desired to sit on the hammock and have it mean the same thing to me now as it did last July. A snapshot. A feeling. I sometimes wish for that. 

I know that the snapshot references are only significant to me. I know that I am living and doing what I am supposed to be doing... even when I am too tired to get the laundry done, or to clean the room... I know that I need to make time to do things I love- like writing here, or for the book, writing friends I have had the opportunity to visit frequently this past year, for sleeping a full night, for baking the cookies for a friend I've wanted to do for weeks... If I could do anything or be anywhere right now though, I am accutately aware it would not be to accomplish any of those things- it would simply be to twinkle my nose, kick my heels and be magically transported to the moments above.