Words.

I don't write here as much. I have been trying to write more in my Moleskine, but there is always this terrifying thing about watching my hand move across the page knowing that my words are in ink... and one day maybe I will lose the book and it will be found by  a stranger and I will be read by someone I never knew... even more terrifying is the notion that those that I know and love will one day pour themselves over the pages and read my inner thoughts, my hopes, heart dreams, judgements, hurts, hardships... and more then the things intimate and specific to me, the most wonderful stories of love I have ever experienced will no longer be secrets. In light of writing more on the page with a pen, the time I have spent sitting here with my computer and just rambling about whatever song lyric I happen to be obsessed with, or whatever issue of the heart I am working through has diminished. I got an email today from a close friend asking where the blog entries went. I struggle tonight as I sit here because I don't want to say anything here that I have not already trusted a friend with. I want to be sure that I am continuing to invest in relationships that matter, and not taking each random thought, feeling, or struggle to be only vented in the context of the world wide web. But, I don't really have words for what I am thinking these days but wanted to write anyway. 

Tomorrow begins what will be a very very busy 12 days. I am going out to Richmond to pick up one picture from the Gallery as the exhibit closed today, and I actually SOLD my picture of the boat in Thailand. I can't believe it... I'm thrilled. I will wake up, get ready, put on a fun dress and head out for my drive out across the mountain to the city... and will take myself out to lunch to hopefully see my favorite bartender at the Cheesecake Factory. While not particularly thrilled about the drive, I am ready with a sermon or two and am looking forward to the familiar comfort of the 6 weeks I spent this spring going to class. I miss the schedule of the class and the stimulation, which is good momentum to build as I prepare for Italy. 

Oh yes my European Adventure. Next blog post I will write about that... but for now I must go to bed. 

Love.Love.

Me

House

I am having one of those nights that I simply love my house. I woke up this morning and went on a super cleaning/organizational rampage through each and every room seeking to complete the project of the carpet installation. I left for the garbage run, grabbed a Diet Coke at McD's along with a small fry, and headed out to camp to see Jamie in the kitchen who called to say he was out there doing work crew. We chatted it up while he cleaned out the fryer, and I love that in the midst of the kitchen with people bustling around, he gets straight to business and tells me exactly what is going on in his life, in real depth none of this surfacey "I'm good" stuff. I think this is one of my most favorite things about my friendship with Jamie, he's always honest, he's always real, and he's never afraid to tell me exactly what is going on. 

He left to hang out with some guys that he brought with him, and I spent some time talking and hanging out in the kitchen. An hour or so later... well two hours later I got into my car to finish the errands of the day and to head back to the house. When I got home I put groceries away and worked a little more on laundry, vacuuming, and general things. Nothing glitzy or glamorous. The iPod was blaring, the windows were all open, I put the Bistro lights on outside and it just felt good to be home. I have the house to myself for a few more weeks before Melanie and Sadie move in. I'm excited about having a new roommate, and puppy in the house, there is no hesitation. From the very moment Melanie told me she was offered a job, I enthusiastically replied "you are moving in!!". That time is almost here, and while I am excited, I am also enjoying the little bit of time I have left without the consideration of messy dishes, stereo volume, or coordinating a house social calender. 

I began this school season with Mandy and Theresa both moving out, and I adjusted to what that meant and looked like fairly easily... nothing else in my life was particularly easy this fall, but living here on my own brought comfort and I enjoyed it. The Lord has blessed me in abundance. Complete and total overwhelming abundance. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my head with thoughts of control that lead me emotionally out of control, that I forget to simply pause and say thanks to the Savior for all that I have. My grateful heart tends to gravitate more towards things of emotion, having gotten through something difficult, a relationship on track, or in anticipating the perfect plans he has for my future. I don't often pause and simply bask in the goodness of a home that I feel safe in. I feel protected, sheltered, comfortable, and safe in my own skin. On this night, with the rain having stopped and the house fan moving cool air through each room I am struck by the goodness of this time and experience of my life. One day in the future my home will no longer be just mine, but that of my family. I will have little people crawling at my feet begging for attention, and a spouse to attend to with tender care and affection. Home will mean something completely different and wonderful. There are moments when I have a strong desire for that future more then I'm able to appreciate the now. 

This house has been a blessing to me, and to the girls that have lived here. I love them, and I love the honorary roommate we had when three became four with Matty. I love that I am almost 100% finished with my project, that I can sit here in my work room and feel at ease because the clutter and confusion of every last thing I owned is now returned to its rightful place. 

In a few weeks a beloved friend and her puppy will join me here. Home will again look different, and I will be thankful for the amazing ways the Lord loves us and opens our hearts for more on this adventure. But tonight... on this night I seek not the future of next month, or the one that awaits in the wings of an unknown time... right now, right here, I love and am grateful for my place here alone, here on White Oak Lane.

Rescue

I am supposed to be moving everything I pulled out of the four bedrooms for the carpet installation back into their appropriate home. I got motivated, I did stuff for about an hour... and then I stopped. I am now sitting in my work room in my favorite striped chair procrastinating the ridiculous task I so desire to complete, but can not muster the motivation. 

Since my last post during a really hard day, I have continued to be busy. Jessica came into town from Kentucky which was as always, amazing fun. We took a road trip out to Williamsburg and went to Busch Gardens with Chad, Tex, Matty, and Erin. The weather was great until it turned into a chilly late afternoon- and the rides did not disappoint. I tend to people watch in general, I think its one of my favorite things to do when I'm traveling on my own- I imagine who people are, what their stories are, where they're going and where they've been. Sometimes in the midst of a group I will zone out and just think quietly to myself about the strangers that brush my shoulders. I found myself going in and out of space cadet thoughts all day, and then combining that with hysterical laughter while spinning around in a tea cup with Chad and Tex. It was in fact a great day, and I am looking forward to the next afternoon spent in the park with our "fun saver pass" which is a great perk of being a Virginia Resident. 

This morning I probably started my day off on the wrong foot, but I couldn't help it. While having my breakfast I watched Home Extreme Makeover from this past weekend. The family chosen for the house had lost theirs in a fire a year ago, and then their son drowned while trying to save their father who had also drowned. A family of seven was reduced to five in an accident that claimed their father's life and in the sacrifice of one life for another... the family remains broken hearted. I don't know how anyone really survives that sort of loss. A line spoken by the mother about her husband and son's relationship was poignant and completely made me cry in the midst of the story, "Mark would not have come up to the surface without his Father". I can appreciate the sappiness and the heart felt emotion of Ty whenever he gets all wrapped up in his duties as host. I love it. He posed a question about heroism, "do we have the kind of love that would go below the surface, and not let go?" 

I have thought about that question all morning. I have thought a lot about sacrifice, death, and renewed life a lot since Easter. I have been blessed with a relationship with Christ for the past 14 years... which just sounds weird typing that out. There are several ways that I could grow, and sometimes I get lost on how slow my walk has been at times, and in other periods of my life I've grown quickly and abundantly. In my thoughts about Easter, I have tried to understand sacrifice, its definitive power over what Love is, and how to live in accordance with that purpose. A son drowned while trying to save his father. A father gave His only son to save His children. 

I have been tremendously blessed in my life with those that have loved me, completely and totally without reservation. I am challenging, stubborn, complicated, ridiculous, and more often then not just closed off about things of a hurtful nature. I have not drowned because of the blessings of the Father, the work He has done in my heart as I have sought him through varying situations, hurts, joys, and trials. I have also been rescued by his work in others, that in their pursuit to love as he loves- have jumped into the water with me and kept me afloat. 

As time passes I gain perspective, and hindsight is always 20/20. I'm thankful that in the midst of struggle I am learning how to be more able to accept the help I need, and not get wrapped up so tight into not wanting to be vulnerable. Taking some time to reflect, I have seen more and more, and I have remembered more and more things said, cards sent, silent emotions in shared tears... and I am thankful that I know sacrificial love in my life from Christ, but also in his people. Looking back and reflecting in that way is humbling and encouraging. 

One time last year I remember sharing a Waffle House late night chat, and the next day feeling strange about some of the topics covered and that weird vulnerable/nakedness feeling as I thought and broke apart details of the conversation. At some point the next evening for no apparent reason my friend whom I shared such things of significance with called to tell me one thing that they had been thinking about in the day, "There is never not going to be a time I won't be there for you. Never." I remember responding by saying thank you, and that I appreciated the call. It was the only thing said before we hung up. 

In the midst of life changes, growth, fear, control, and time... the other day I thought about the friend that called only to say that to me a year ago. The sentiment has been fulfilled, I have not been disappointed in that place. At the time it was said, it felt a lot like a hand reaching out in the midst of the wide open ocean pulling me back into shore for a rest. 

Those are the people I know that the only reaction would be to jump in, and hope to break the surface together. Having been loved that way through difficult, emotional, hurtful, and unpredictable times allows the response to always be, "there is never not going to be a time I won't be there for you. Never".

"I would swim out to save you

In your sea of broken dreams,

When all your hopes are sinking, 

let me show you what love means..."

A Struggle

Today was strange. 

It was beautiful and the sun was shining... but I woke up with the worst headache that the only way to find some relief was to take Aleve and go back to bed for two hours. Something about a mid morning nap completely threw my day off. I didn't feel like myself and continued to notice my complete lack of my short term memory. Recently, I have forgotten where I've put things, what the point of a task was as I was beginning it, and simple moments I've found myself just sort of lost and confused. It has been the weirdest few days, and today just made me feel anxious. I look at my to do list for the weekend ahead, and even in the next few weeks and I just think, "what am I forgetting? what am I missing?", so in turn I've also become obsessive compulsive... which makes me feel like I'm crazy.

I think I just need to breathe. I have already taken Diet Coke out of my daily life, but am now drinking Iced Tea... which as Matty saw tonight when I was talking to him in his kitchen, has made me jittery. Is tomorrow the day I attempt a caffeine free existence? (I am pouting at that statement). 

I have also purchased the American Idol version of "Falling Slowly" and listened to it on repeat for over an hour tonight as I've talked on my phone and online. I find some sort of comfort right now in the repetition (which as of right now is 19 times- and by the time I finished writing this? 32).

I feel like I'm running myself in circles in my head, can't get myself to just sit still... I need someone to spend the day with me just to keep me intentional about what I need to accomplish, to ask me if I did my to-do list because I'm unable to focus my attention on anything. But even more then someone keeping me on task, I really need someone to force me to sit down, hold my hand, and just guide me through some breathing exercises. I was asked today what I did, and how it was. I stood there trying to describe it, and my heart just started racing. Not because anything bad happened, or because anything good did. I think I just felt anxious all day for no reason. A mark of growth however is that instead of making idle conversation generically about my day, I was honest: today was strange. Today was hard. I am praying that tomorrow is not like today.

A struggle. 

A day that will end soon, and a new one will begin.

Praise the Lord. 

Four

It has been awhile. 

I have not written here, there, or anywhere really. Which is too bad because there are lots of things that I could have worked through in my head and benefited from getting them all out in the open. But somewhere along the way I began censoring myself... and found myself rambling in phone calls and using up more minutes in the last bill cycle then I am even able to understand. I talked on my phone for 2,000 minutes (including in network calls, and nights and weekends). I talked a lot. Thank the Lord for saved up rollover minutes and increased calling plans. Now, we are back to normal and I find myself almost avoiding my phone. 

I am trying to think about what I've been inspired by recently as to start opening up the window to how I've been doing, where I've been, and what's next. A list... of course will help:

1) I made it into the Gallery in Richmond that I was stressed about. It was amazing. Humbling. I wished for friends, I wished for a "pause" button on the experience, just so I could absolutely remember what it felt like for the first time to see something of my own among 43 others that I also admired. It was a moment. It was complicated, and it was emotional... but it was mine and I am ever thankful for it.

2) I went to Ohio for a quick weekend to spend time with Kerri for her "Girls Night Out", and Bridal Shower. I met Kerri when she was on work crew in 2003, and a few years later we met up again at camp and became great friends. I consider her friendship so precious, and someone who has spoken truth and wisdom to my anxious heart. She calms me down. She affirms in me that I'm on the right path, I'm loving the right way, and that the gifts in my life are to be protected and fought for. She is a bride, and she's planning her perfect day to begin her happily ever after with Justin, and I was so inspired by the pursuit of the Lord in each detail of her life: in work, in her relationship with Justin, and her constant care and Godly perspective to me in my own chaos. One of my favorite memories with Kerri will always be the "Day Three Dates" she, Mark, and I went on every week during the summer of 2007 when they interned. The dinners out turned into a long weekend visiting my mom in Naples, Florida at the end of the summer- and sometimes I still look at those pictures and wish for an instant to be back on the beach laughing with them. Our friendship has grown leaps and bounds since that summer, and the depth of our caring and sharing have helped me through significant challenges and sadness's. She is one of those friends that after I get off the phone with her I feel like I can tackle the world, and when I know that I desperately want to give up in a particular area that she will refuse to give me that permission. She challenges me to continue to love. She pushes me to keep opening up. I am inspired by having that sort of friend in my life. 

3) Sometimes to get through, we've got to go back. Back to basics. Back to the truth. I have sensed a particular area of my life spiral out of control the more that I have tried to hold onto it. This may not make sense to those of you who are reading this, but I know that to a few: you know exactly what I'm talking about. Like I've previously written about, I have sensed my heart go back to things of the past in my heart: holding in and holding back. Closing up and closing down. I have held things from those who love me because I have been scared to be vulnerable and I have not trusted that my heart would be met with what I need. A breakthrough finally happened, when a breakdown in a friendship occurred. A hard moment, and an over reaction broke open the topic of what was happening- and shed a light that my desire to protect and guard was not working, and I was holding onto those two ideas so tightly that I was causing the bigger picture to fall apart. I got it. I finally saw that to love, and to love the way I've always been led too means that I can't hold in, hold back, close up, or close down. I was just trying to "be smart", and in that process I found doubt in a friendship, lack of trust in the future, and my gut trying to get me to do something different that I couldn't handle. In the end all my praying for the Lord to guide my steps, change my ears, align my vision, and render my heart started being answered, and the path I found myself on, the conversation I was able to hear, the love I was beginning to see and my heart that was opened up took me someplace completely different. It took me back to basics. It had me letting go of what wasn't working so that I could grasp what was going to change everything. 

4) I continue to be moved by music, lyric, melody and ballads. Shuffle has continued to make me laugh, and I was able to make a play list the other day mostly by songs that I have heard multiple times in the mode of random selection on my iPod. I have listened to in the car, and in the house and while I know the lyrics to each and every one of the 18 songs... I have found myself drifting off in thought and then reconnecting to the song by noticing a part I never had before, or appreciating how each one on the list remind me of what truth of love and friendship are. Some songs make me laugh, some get me choked up, but all of them have a purpose and I love that. I love that I can quote a line about how each one makes me feel, or what it reminds me of. In my pictures I hear countless lyrics painted in each skyline, and I hear the melodies of conversations I've had with my friends in quiet moments when capturing the view. I am still coordinating my trip for the summer, waiting for some confirmation emails... but I know that I will be taking an adventure and on that trip I will bring with me an iPod with a play list or two from friends, but also one that plays like a conversation between friends... and I will love having that with me while I am away because I will want that more then anything else. 

Too Fast

I talk too fast.
I drive too fast. 

There are many things in my life I do too fast.

When I was in High School I ran myself in circles socially and never really stopped. During this time I learned something that I often wish I could unlearn. I tend to get wound up, distracted, and unable to stop long enough to just... breathe. I was trying to balance things in my head so that my heart wouldn't have to feel them before I could understand them. I was trying to make sense of things that were happening in my family, so that perhaps I could survive the changes that the passing of my live-in grandfather, and the split of my parents would initiate. I kept my mouth shut, and just kept living my life in the midst of the chaos, and never let on that there was anything wrong. I know that suppressing my thoughts and feelings is never the solution. And yet, I have found myself recently opening the doors to places that I have not often allowed myself to vulnerable, and have heard twice from two different people that love me and about two completely different situations, "I didn't know. You never let on". 

I don't mention this to say that I'm not doing well. I mention it because over the weekend I spent some good time in my car, spending time with family, preparing for class, hanging out on the roof of the Penthouse talking to a beloved friend on the phone, grabbing a favorite meal at the Cheesecake Factory- and then returning to Lexington. Over the five days I spent away from home I didn't ache for it at first, I seamlessly went from one thing to the next... in the classic pace of: constant movement. Yesterday I found my thoughts return and focus down on things of the heart that I'm struggling with, choices that I'm still trying to make, places I am still at the feet of the Father asking for wisdom and clarity in my gut... the strange thing is that I kept looking for something in particular. I would notice that I would trace the city sky line and couldn't quite pin point what I was seeking. Then finally. Finally, it made complete sense. 

I was looking for the mountains. I kept looking for the Blue Ridge, and I couldn't find it. 

Today I left Richmond, and I drove back in the sunshine with the sunroof open and arrived at my house with a sense of deep comfort. With the exception of Gracie being boarded and the sadness of not snuggling with her on the couch while watching American Idol, I am home and it is perfect. I have relaxed, I have let a deep sigh out, and everything that I do too fast, and everything that I push down to love others before myself, does not matter. 

My latest challenge is that I thought I had grown leaps and bounds from the girl that never addressed certain things of the heart in my parental angst of high school. Truth is, I am still that girl, in small moments, and in big ones. I remember one night I was arguing with Stan the Man about my grades, I was rounding out my Senior year, and looking back that was the peak of emotional stress and suppression. He was trying to understand why I was struggling with homework and exams, and I was on my way to San Francisco to visit my brother for Spring Break. We went back and forth, and he kept asking for answers. I stood in front of someone who wanted to understand, who was pursuing me for an explanation, who wanted to love me well... and I had only one thing to say, and that was, "I'm tired". That statement has always been the red light in a situation when I get myself worked up in my heart, or if I am not dealing with something or someone well. When there is nothing for me to say, and the walls are built high and wide... the only window I am ever able to open is the one that can only say I'm tired.

About a month or so ago I found that thought come to the surface and out of my mouth. It was so slow, and it was so quiet at first that I didn't pay attention to it at first. Then finally I had reached my limit, and I had reached a place that I didn't know what was the right choice, wrong choice, for the wrong reasons or the right ones. I didn't know. I didn't hear what I was saying- and by articulating I'm tired, I was screaming to myself "stop, slow down"- I just wasn't listening. 

I don't know why I'm unable to slow down in the way that matters. It makes sense though that by traveling, and visiting people constantly was so fun. It wasn't always the "being there". Often times and classically related to, 'its not the destination, its the journey', my freedom was found in the transit. The hours in a car, the hours on a plane, the being... the waiting... the stillness in movement because so much of my time on the go I was alone- trying to get to someone. What I really loved about many of those visits to someone was the arrival, but then the departure. 

I am worth slowing down for. I am worth spending the time and getting to the heart of the matter. I am worth saying more then "I'm tired", and working hard to articulate hurts, dreams, and desires to those I think I'm protecting by remaining quiet. I am worth more. I have often operated out of wanting more, thinking that I need more... and I admit that most of the time I am just being selfish. But in this one area, I have moved quickly, and I have worked hard to be strong, to be brave, to not slow down enough to feel like I'm falling apart in a particular area... I operate out of survival mode. Then one day the surviving bleeds into passiveness, then that bleeds into hurt, and finally the hurt takes its toll and I'm left exhausted. 

I need to slow down. Not working full time, pursuing photography, and figuring all of those dreams out have definitely allowed the pace to change. I am in this time right now and I know that I will not always be in this position. I am enjoying it more, and I'm relaxed more in the process. But that doesn't mean I've been able to let go of the girl that keeps moving and doesn't want to have both her feet on the ground at the same time. Tonight I drove the two hours back to the mountains, listened to a sermon about Hills... and I thought deeply and truly in my bones that being here in this moment, and in this time has shown me that I am still the girl that will try and be "ok" about anything and everything just so that I could believe it, and that needs to stop. 

I am well. I am happy. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. But I am hopeful. I have a plan. I have a purpose. I am tired, but I am feeling renewed... I am beginning to feel refreshed and restored. I am moving quickly, but I'm not running. I am allowing those who love me, to love me well by giving more then token responses to questions, or telling them what they want to hear. I'm letting the doors open, I'm letting the walls in certain areas come down brick by brick... and what I've found is that the walls didn't keep me 'safe', they kept me from being loved the way I truly desire from those in my life, but also keeping me from experiencing true nourishment and growth with the Savior.

The mountains... they help me make sense of the manic and chaotic thoughts. The mountains are what I always seek in every sky line and in every stretch of highway. Today... it totally clicked in my heart, and that was something quite amazing. 

Jim.

On Tuesday night Tex and I went to the Waffle House and spent a few hours discussing small details about my photography class, and then some bigger picture items. It was one of those conversations that when the time came to go, and we were to get into our cars to drive to our respective homes, I just didn't want to, I didn't want Wednesday to come... I think it will become one of those exchanges in our friendship I will always wish we had tape recorded it. So when I finally made my way home, and crawled into bed with Gracie, I found my thoughts moving from every random thought I had about life, about the content of the conversation Tex and I shared, to the way Margie loved us well with endless water refills and a complimentary waffle with a strawberry smiley face- that as we ate it said, "we're going to regret this tomorrow", and just her attention to us. I didn't want to forget finally getting to the heart of the matter, and what it means to speak out loud things that I had been carrying for a long time, and I didn't want to forget how those things were received. My mind finally rested, and I woke up. I woke up at 7:30am and my heart was sad, because the very reason I didn't want to go to sleep came true: Wednesday came. 

I had scheduled an Internet installation for the house a week ago, the appt. got moved from last Wednesday, to yesterday. After I woke up I talked to my mom for a little bit, and then Jim the installer called to say he was about an hour away, he was really friendly. When he arrived I was still wearing my sweatshirt from the night before, my ponytail was going into a thousand different directions, and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. He was warm and friendly, and we discussed where the router would be going in the house, and made small talk about how he specially requested my job in Lexington because he lives a few hours away and didn't want to have to make the drive out further to Richmond at the other house on the docket.  

After he had worked outside for a couple of hours, he came inside. I was in the midst of a conversation with Mandy about life and the chaos I was experiencing in my heart about choices, loss, hurt, commentary on conversations had and their triumphs. I just talked, and talked and opened up and in that process I just started crying. There was no holding back the tears, and I didn't care that Jim was now working in the house finishing the install. I just let go. 

The work was done and completed. Internet: successful.

I went to the office, initialed agreements, and paid for the project. We chatted a little while longer, talked about my photography that he had admired on my screen saver and the future. I liked Jim, he shared about his daughter, and he was inviting... the ease I felt in his precense was established from the moment we met.

He headed out of the house, and I thanked him for his time and service. Wished him a great day, and then I went to my room to take a shower as I heard the van drive away. A few minutes later I turned the water on, and heard Gracie start barking. I walked towards the front door and saw Jim standing there, and his van down the driveway- the drivers side door still open. I motioned that he could come in, and I stood there just perplexed. He apologized for intruding, or over stepping a boundary- but said that he believed in God, and he couldn't help but listen to the conversation I had on the phone. I instantly started crying, and he went on to say that he knew I was going through something difficult, but that I needed to give it over to Jesus. He said that I needed to give it to the Lord, and that I just needed to pray. He told me it sounded easier then it could be done, but that I could do it- because we just need to pray even if its not what we want. I responded with "because its always what we need". He said he started driving away and felt convicted and had to come tell me that, because he knew I needed to hear it- he asked if he could give me a hug, I of course said yes. 

He left, and I cried. But it wasn't a release of tears rooted in sadness, it was a release of hope, faith, and the voice I needed to hear...

I love my friends. I love the way they listen to me rant and rave about the craziness in my heart and head. I love that they can challenge me, encourage me, and want so much better for me then sometimes I settle for. I love that I'm not judged when I remain in situations that aren't wise for me. I love that when they know something is happening, they will call me first thing in the morning to make sure I'm ok. I love that I know their love in their opinions and desires for my future. I love that when I'm hurting I don't have to advertise it to the world or everyone I see on a regular basis, I have my core that invite themselves into my heart and ask the questions. I have relied on these friends in a different way in the past two weeks about a particular area that I felt I was drowning in. Five of the most trusted and varied perspectives in my life all expressed a similar vision. I allowed those voices to become my voice because I wasn't strong enough to speak in my own. 

Yesterday, I heard in the voice of a stranger the only thing I needed to hear. So while I wait, debate, pray, pontificate, hurt, laugh, celebrate and triumph in an area I'm trying to get some air... I know that I need to silence every other voice except two. I need to pray. I need to each and every moment give it to the Lord. It's so basic. It's so simple. I get so frustrated at how I over complicate things, and try to control and manage my heart in that process. 

If my original appointment hadn't needed to be rescheduled for reasons unknown to me by the company, and if Jim hadn't specially requested to take my installation order... I never would have heard the only thing I needed to hear when Wednesday came. 

Pray. Give it to the Lord. Listen. With these things, I can Fight.