I have not written here, there, or anywhere really. Which is too bad because there are lots of things that I could have worked through in my head and benefited from getting them all out in the open. But somewhere along the way I began censoring myself... and found myself rambling in phone calls and using up more minutes in the last bill cycle then I am even able to understand. I talked on my phone for 2,000 minutes (including in network calls, and nights and weekends). I talked a lot. Thank the Lord for saved up rollover minutes and increased calling plans. Now, we are back to normal and I find myself almost avoiding my phone.
I am trying to think about what I've been inspired by recently as to start opening up the window to how I've been doing, where I've been, and what's next. A list... of course will help:
1) I made it into the Gallery in Richmond that I was stressed about. It was amazing. Humbling. I wished for friends, I wished for a "pause" button on the experience, just so I could absolutely remember what it felt like for the first time to see something of my own among 43 others that I also admired. It was a moment. It was complicated, and it was emotional... but it was mine and I am ever thankful for it.
2) I went to Ohio for a quick weekend to spend time with Kerri for her "Girls Night Out", and Bridal Shower. I met Kerri when she was on work crew in 2003, and a few years later we met up again at camp and became great friends. I consider her friendship so precious, and someone who has spoken truth and wisdom to my anxious heart. She calms me down. She affirms in me that I'm on the right path, I'm loving the right way, and that the gifts in my life are to be protected and fought for. She is a bride, and she's planning her perfect day to begin her happily ever after with Justin, and I was so inspired by the pursuit of the Lord in each detail of her life: in work, in her relationship with Justin, and her constant care and Godly perspective to me in my own chaos. One of my favorite memories with Kerri will always be the "Day Three Dates" she, Mark, and I went on every week during the summer of 2007 when they interned. The dinners out turned into a long weekend visiting my mom in Naples, Florida at the end of the summer- and sometimes I still look at those pictures and wish for an instant to be back on the beach laughing with them. Our friendship has grown leaps and bounds since that summer, and the depth of our caring and sharing have helped me through significant challenges and sadness's. She is one of those friends that after I get off the phone with her I feel like I can tackle the world, and when I know that I desperately want to give up in a particular area that she will refuse to give me that permission. She challenges me to continue to love. She pushes me to keep opening up. I am inspired by having that sort of friend in my life.
3) Sometimes to get through, we've got to go back. Back to basics. Back to the truth. I have sensed a particular area of my life spiral out of control the more that I have tried to hold onto it. This may not make sense to those of you who are reading this, but I know that to a few: you know exactly what I'm talking about. Like I've previously written about, I have sensed my heart go back to things of the past in my heart: holding in and holding back. Closing up and closing down. I have held things from those who love me because I have been scared to be vulnerable and I have not trusted that my heart would be met with what I need. A breakthrough finally happened, when a breakdown in a friendship occurred. A hard moment, and an over reaction broke open the topic of what was happening- and shed a light that my desire to protect and guard was not working, and I was holding onto those two ideas so tightly that I was causing the bigger picture to fall apart. I got it. I finally saw that to love, and to love the way I've always been led too means that I can't hold in, hold back, close up, or close down. I was just trying to "be smart", and in that process I found doubt in a friendship, lack of trust in the future, and my gut trying to get me to do something different that I couldn't handle. In the end all my praying for the Lord to guide my steps, change my ears, align my vision, and render my heart started being answered, and the path I found myself on, the conversation I was able to hear, the love I was beginning to see and my heart that was opened up took me someplace completely different. It took me back to basics. It had me letting go of what wasn't working so that I could grasp what was going to change everything.
4) I continue to be moved by music, lyric, melody and ballads. Shuffle has continued to make me laugh, and I was able to make a play list the other day mostly by songs that I have heard multiple times in the mode of random selection on my iPod. I have listened to in the car, and in the house and while I know the lyrics to each and every one of the 18 songs... I have found myself drifting off in thought and then reconnecting to the song by noticing a part I never had before, or appreciating how each one on the list remind me of what truth of love and friendship are. Some songs make me laugh, some get me choked up, but all of them have a purpose and I love that. I love that I can quote a line about how each one makes me feel, or what it reminds me of. In my pictures I hear countless lyrics painted in each skyline, and I hear the melodies of conversations I've had with my friends in quiet moments when capturing the view. I am still coordinating my trip for the summer, waiting for some confirmation emails... but I know that I will be taking an adventure and on that trip I will bring with me an iPod with a play list or two from friends, but also one that plays like a conversation between friends... and I will love having that with me while I am away because I will want that more then anything else.
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