I drive too fast.
There are many things in my life I do too fast.
When I was in High School I ran myself in circles socially and never really stopped. During this time I learned something that I often wish I could unlearn. I tend to get wound up, distracted, and unable to stop long enough to just... breathe. I was trying to balance things in my head so that my heart wouldn't have to feel them before I could understand them. I was trying to make sense of things that were happening in my family, so that perhaps I could survive the changes that the passing of my live-in grandfather, and the split of my parents would initiate. I kept my mouth shut, and just kept living my life in the midst of the chaos, and never let on that there was anything wrong. I know that suppressing my thoughts and feelings is never the solution. And yet, I have found myself recently opening the doors to places that I have not often allowed myself to vulnerable, and have heard twice from two different people that love me and about two completely different situations, "I didn't know. You never let on".
I don't mention this to say that I'm not doing well. I mention it because over the weekend I spent some good time in my car, spending time with family, preparing for class, hanging out on the roof of the Penthouse talking to a beloved friend on the phone, grabbing a favorite meal at the Cheesecake Factory- and then returning to Lexington. Over the five days I spent away from home I didn't ache for it at first, I seamlessly went from one thing to the next... in the classic pace of: constant movement. Yesterday I found my thoughts return and focus down on things of the heart that I'm struggling with, choices that I'm still trying to make, places I am still at the feet of the Father asking for wisdom and clarity in my gut... the strange thing is that I kept looking for something in particular. I would notice that I would trace the city sky line and couldn't quite pin point what I was seeking. Then finally. Finally, it made complete sense.
I was looking for the mountains. I kept looking for the Blue Ridge, and I couldn't find it.
Today I left Richmond, and I drove back in the sunshine with the sunroof open and arrived at my house with a sense of deep comfort. With the exception of Gracie being boarded and the sadness of not snuggling with her on the couch while watching American Idol, I am home and it is perfect. I have relaxed, I have let a deep sigh out, and everything that I do too fast, and everything that I push down to love others before myself, does not matter.
My latest challenge is that I thought I had grown leaps and bounds from the girl that never addressed certain things of the heart in my parental angst of high school. Truth is, I am still that girl, in small moments, and in big ones. I remember one night I was arguing with Stan the Man about my grades, I was rounding out my Senior year, and looking back that was the peak of emotional stress and suppression. He was trying to understand why I was struggling with homework and exams, and I was on my way to San Francisco to visit my brother for Spring Break. We went back and forth, and he kept asking for answers. I stood in front of someone who wanted to understand, who was pursuing me for an explanation, who wanted to love me well... and I had only one thing to say, and that was, "I'm tired". That statement has always been the red light in a situation when I get myself worked up in my heart, or if I am not dealing with something or someone well. When there is nothing for me to say, and the walls are built high and wide... the only window I am ever able to open is the one that can only say I'm tired.
About a month or so ago I found that thought come to the surface and out of my mouth. It was so slow, and it was so quiet at first that I didn't pay attention to it at first. Then finally I had reached my limit, and I had reached a place that I didn't know what was the right choice, wrong choice, for the wrong reasons or the right ones. I didn't know. I didn't hear what I was saying- and by articulating I'm tired, I was screaming to myself "stop, slow down"- I just wasn't listening.
I don't know why I'm unable to slow down in the way that matters. It makes sense though that by traveling, and visiting people constantly was so fun. It wasn't always the "being there". Often times and classically related to, 'its not the destination, its the journey', my freedom was found in the transit. The hours in a car, the hours on a plane, the being... the waiting... the stillness in movement because so much of my time on the go I was alone- trying to get to someone. What I really loved about many of those visits to someone was the arrival, but then the departure.
I am worth slowing down for. I am worth spending the time and getting to the heart of the matter. I am worth saying more then "I'm tired", and working hard to articulate hurts, dreams, and desires to those I think I'm protecting by remaining quiet. I am worth more. I have often operated out of wanting more, thinking that I need more... and I admit that most of the time I am just being selfish. But in this one area, I have moved quickly, and I have worked hard to be strong, to be brave, to not slow down enough to feel like I'm falling apart in a particular area... I operate out of survival mode. Then one day the surviving bleeds into passiveness, then that bleeds into hurt, and finally the hurt takes its toll and I'm left exhausted.
I need to slow down. Not working full time, pursuing photography, and figuring all of those dreams out have definitely allowed the pace to change. I am in this time right now and I know that I will not always be in this position. I am enjoying it more, and I'm relaxed more in the process. But that doesn't mean I've been able to let go of the girl that keeps moving and doesn't want to have both her feet on the ground at the same time. Tonight I drove the two hours back to the mountains, listened to a sermon about Hills... and I thought deeply and truly in my bones that being here in this moment, and in this time has shown me that I am still the girl that will try and be "ok" about anything and everything just so that I could believe it, and that needs to stop.
I am well. I am happy. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. But I am hopeful. I have a plan. I have a purpose. I am tired, but I am feeling renewed... I am beginning to feel refreshed and restored. I am moving quickly, but I'm not running. I am allowing those who love me, to love me well by giving more then token responses to questions, or telling them what they want to hear. I'm letting the doors open, I'm letting the walls in certain areas come down brick by brick... and what I've found is that the walls didn't keep me 'safe', they kept me from being loved the way I truly desire from those in my life, but also keeping me from experiencing true nourishment and growth with the Savior.
The mountains... they help me make sense of the manic and chaotic thoughts. The mountains are what I always seek in every sky line and in every stretch of highway. Today... it totally clicked in my heart, and that was something quite amazing.
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