We have right and wrong ways to justify and explain what quitting is, for example if you are addicted to something: quitting is a celebration of discipline and choice. If something is bad for us, we encourage those we love to walk away and let go. But if something is hard, or we are experiencing challenges we always equate quitting with failure. I think in some situations it could be true, but at this moment on this rainy night that is turning to snow I think I finally see the gray. I think I have finally resolved that quitting does not mean you are a quitter.
I mention this because my friends and I just watched a painful episode of Grey's Anatomy. I know that its just a television show, but sometimes the way the topics in the show mirror issues and concerns in my heart just take me by surprise... and I am left to sit and ponder, think and debate about how the show made me feel about the show, and then how the show made me feel about myself and my life. The theme tonight? Well at least the one that struck a chord with me was Derek and Meredith and "quitting". It made me sad. It made my heart literally hurt.
I have always been drawn to beginnings and endings. I like markers of time, I like to reflect on a year of friendship, a day without a diet coke, and going an hour without questioning a decision. There are dates in the year that I cannot let pass by without reflecting on an experience, or a relationship. In the movie Benjamin Button it is referred more then once that "nothing lasts", and Daisy counteracts that by simply responding, "something's do". I think she's right, but not in the typical pattern of thought. I've come to appreciate that the past, what was, what was said, who I've loved and have been loved by... the laughter, the tears, the tickles, the conversations without words- always last. They always live. Their very nature of being part of my heart allow their existence to continue, and they provide hope in places that it is easy to get lost in grief for a time missed, a relationship faded, or an area of hurt. I find hope in the endless sunny days that I have in my heart of sharing my life with someone, I find hope in the memories of trials I persevered through that allow me to be strong now, I find hope in trusting that every single moment, every single good and bad thing is woven together to create 'my story'. Perhaps the single greatest thing that I've learned from loving things about the past, is that loving it, missing it, and longing for it does not have to mean I regret it.
I had to let go of a friendship last year and that was more difficult then I've ever shared with more then a couple of people. I had to ask for time and space, and I did not offer an ending date of those requests. I chose me, and I chose to pursue getting perspective. In doing so I did not miss them less, or not think everyday about calling. But... the missing changed, and the desire to call decreased. I am able to talk about the friend I'm no longer close to in groups while sharing a funny story, and I'm able to have pictures of them on my fridge- because while their role in my life currently has changed, and how I feel about trials we experienced together perhaps are hurtful in different ways: I cannot change that they are part of my story, they are part of the tapestry of my life. I have recently come to a place where I have forgiven myself for having to let go, and accept that I made the right choice. Whenever I doubt, or question myself in the midst of being sad about that, because to pretend that those emotions don't exist is a lie... my heart returns to the response of the friend that understood why and challenged me in the process, and the line that I hold close to my heart, "When you are ready, whether it's in a month or in twenty years, we will move past it and rejoice in having each other in our lives again." I don't know if this friend will be active in my life in the future. I pray for them, and I pray for my heart in the ways I hurt them and was hurt by them. The hurt was real. The choice to move on was necessary. There is hope in the letting go. Hope is contagious. Having hope there has allowed me to have hope in places I don't reach for it first. Somethings last. Truly, everything in some form lasts.
I will love who I have loved forever. It may take a different shape. It may have a different voice. It may make my eyes sparkle or make them cry. It may never be spoken. It may only be known in glances. It may be found in what was sacrificed. It may return. But it never ends.
As I continue to pray about my future and what I desire for it, I realize that choices are being made now that will change the landscape and change everything forever. I think I'm stronger then I often give myself credit, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a basket case and a burden. I know that there are times when I have to say what I need, and I know that there are going to be times those needs can't be met. I have this picture in my head about what I want from my life, and what I have dreamed up in the endless amount of time I've had to ponder it recently. I don't know exactly how to get from point A to point B. I don't know if I'm just not looking in the right places, have forgotten to put my glasses on, or if the Lord is instilling in me the vision I will need when the time is right. I know that I'm in a place where I feel tired, I feel like I've poured out everything I have and am praying to be restored and renewed. I know that I've got amazing friends who are patient, protective, and prayerful. I know that I'm loved in ways small and grand, and I know that some would do absolutely anything for me: even if selfishly they didn't want too.
The topic of quitting on a television show makes me think about times in my life that I've been at a crossroads and have had to decide without the influence of any other voice in my life, and with all trust in Christ what the next and best step in a particular area is. I've learned that I can't take care of my myself for anyone else but me, and I can't associate anyone with my desire to gain control of areas that are spiraling out of my grasp. I can't move away for anyone, and I can't stay for anyone. At the feet of the Father I pray that I live a life that serves Him, loves Him, and in that love I can boast in His grace and love others for Him. His love is endless. His purpose is perfect. In Him I can choose better for myself, and while choosing a different path may mean to leave the road I've been on, it does not mean that my choice makes me a failure. There is gray. This girl of black and white has seen the gray... it is the silver lining, it is where hope lives. It is where everything lasts.
And it's good to know it's out of my control
If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living
Is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go" -j. buffett
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