Jim.

On Tuesday night Tex and I went to the Waffle House and spent a few hours discussing small details about my photography class, and then some bigger picture items. It was one of those conversations that when the time came to go, and we were to get into our cars to drive to our respective homes, I just didn't want to, I didn't want Wednesday to come... I think it will become one of those exchanges in our friendship I will always wish we had tape recorded it. So when I finally made my way home, and crawled into bed with Gracie, I found my thoughts moving from every random thought I had about life, about the content of the conversation Tex and I shared, to the way Margie loved us well with endless water refills and a complimentary waffle with a strawberry smiley face- that as we ate it said, "we're going to regret this tomorrow", and just her attention to us. I didn't want to forget finally getting to the heart of the matter, and what it means to speak out loud things that I had been carrying for a long time, and I didn't want to forget how those things were received. My mind finally rested, and I woke up. I woke up at 7:30am and my heart was sad, because the very reason I didn't want to go to sleep came true: Wednesday came. 

I had scheduled an Internet installation for the house a week ago, the appt. got moved from last Wednesday, to yesterday. After I woke up I talked to my mom for a little bit, and then Jim the installer called to say he was about an hour away, he was really friendly. When he arrived I was still wearing my sweatshirt from the night before, my ponytail was going into a thousand different directions, and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. He was warm and friendly, and we discussed where the router would be going in the house, and made small talk about how he specially requested my job in Lexington because he lives a few hours away and didn't want to have to make the drive out further to Richmond at the other house on the docket.  

After he had worked outside for a couple of hours, he came inside. I was in the midst of a conversation with Mandy about life and the chaos I was experiencing in my heart about choices, loss, hurt, commentary on conversations had and their triumphs. I just talked, and talked and opened up and in that process I just started crying. There was no holding back the tears, and I didn't care that Jim was now working in the house finishing the install. I just let go. 

The work was done and completed. Internet: successful.

I went to the office, initialed agreements, and paid for the project. We chatted a little while longer, talked about my photography that he had admired on my screen saver and the future. I liked Jim, he shared about his daughter, and he was inviting... the ease I felt in his precense was established from the moment we met.

He headed out of the house, and I thanked him for his time and service. Wished him a great day, and then I went to my room to take a shower as I heard the van drive away. A few minutes later I turned the water on, and heard Gracie start barking. I walked towards the front door and saw Jim standing there, and his van down the driveway- the drivers side door still open. I motioned that he could come in, and I stood there just perplexed. He apologized for intruding, or over stepping a boundary- but said that he believed in God, and he couldn't help but listen to the conversation I had on the phone. I instantly started crying, and he went on to say that he knew I was going through something difficult, but that I needed to give it over to Jesus. He said that I needed to give it to the Lord, and that I just needed to pray. He told me it sounded easier then it could be done, but that I could do it- because we just need to pray even if its not what we want. I responded with "because its always what we need". He said he started driving away and felt convicted and had to come tell me that, because he knew I needed to hear it- he asked if he could give me a hug, I of course said yes. 

He left, and I cried. But it wasn't a release of tears rooted in sadness, it was a release of hope, faith, and the voice I needed to hear...

I love my friends. I love the way they listen to me rant and rave about the craziness in my heart and head. I love that they can challenge me, encourage me, and want so much better for me then sometimes I settle for. I love that I'm not judged when I remain in situations that aren't wise for me. I love that when they know something is happening, they will call me first thing in the morning to make sure I'm ok. I love that I know their love in their opinions and desires for my future. I love that when I'm hurting I don't have to advertise it to the world or everyone I see on a regular basis, I have my core that invite themselves into my heart and ask the questions. I have relied on these friends in a different way in the past two weeks about a particular area that I felt I was drowning in. Five of the most trusted and varied perspectives in my life all expressed a similar vision. I allowed those voices to become my voice because I wasn't strong enough to speak in my own. 

Yesterday, I heard in the voice of a stranger the only thing I needed to hear. So while I wait, debate, pray, pontificate, hurt, laugh, celebrate and triumph in an area I'm trying to get some air... I know that I need to silence every other voice except two. I need to pray. I need to each and every moment give it to the Lord. It's so basic. It's so simple. I get so frustrated at how I over complicate things, and try to control and manage my heart in that process. 

If my original appointment hadn't needed to be rescheduled for reasons unknown to me by the company, and if Jim hadn't specially requested to take my installation order... I never would have heard the only thing I needed to hear when Wednesday came. 

Pray. Give it to the Lord. Listen. With these things, I can Fight.