"As long as I can remember, For all my spirits days, All of my journeys have been roads home to You."

4.23.2009

Rescue

I am supposed to be moving everything I pulled out of the four bedrooms for the carpet installation back into their appropriate home. I got motivated, I did stuff for about an hour... and then I stopped. I am now sitting in my work room in my favorite striped chair procrastinating the ridiculous task I so desire to complete, but can not muster the motivation. 

Since my last post during a really hard day, I have continued to be busy. Jessica came into town from Kentucky which was as always, amazing fun. We took a road trip out to Williamsburg and went to Busch Gardens with Chad, Tex, Matty, and Erin. The weather was great until it turned into a chilly late afternoon- and the rides did not disappoint. I tend to people watch in general, I think its one of my favorite things to do when I'm traveling on my own- I imagine who people are, what their stories are, where they're going and where they've been. Sometimes in the midst of a group I will zone out and just think quietly to myself about the strangers that brush my shoulders. I found myself going in and out of space cadet thoughts all day, and then combining that with hysterical laughter while spinning around in a tea cup with Chad and Tex. It was in fact a great day, and I am looking forward to the next afternoon spent in the park with our "fun saver pass" which is a great perk of being a Virginia Resident. 

This morning I probably started my day off on the wrong foot, but I couldn't help it. While having my breakfast I watched Home Extreme Makeover from this past weekend. The family chosen for the house had lost theirs in a fire a year ago, and then their son drowned while trying to save their father who had also drowned. A family of seven was reduced to five in an accident that claimed their father's life and in the sacrifice of one life for another... the family remains broken hearted. I don't know how anyone really survives that sort of loss. A line spoken by the mother about her husband and son's relationship was poignant and completely made me cry in the midst of the story, "Mark would not have come up to the surface without his Father". I can appreciate the sappiness and the heart felt emotion of Ty whenever he gets all wrapped up in his duties as host. I love it. He posed a question about heroism, "do we have the kind of love that would go below the surface, and not let go?" 

I have thought about that question all morning. I have thought a lot about sacrifice, death, and renewed life a lot since Easter. I have been blessed with a relationship with Christ for the past 14 years... which just sounds weird typing that out. There are several ways that I could grow, and sometimes I get lost on how slow my walk has been at times, and in other periods of my life I've grown quickly and abundantly. In my thoughts about Easter, I have tried to understand sacrifice, its definitive power over what Love is, and how to live in accordance with that purpose. A son drowned while trying to save his father. A father gave His only son to save His children. 

I have been tremendously blessed in my life with those that have loved me, completely and totally without reservation. I am challenging, stubborn, complicated, ridiculous, and more often then not just closed off about things of a hurtful nature. I have not drowned because of the blessings of the Father, the work He has done in my heart as I have sought him through varying situations, hurts, joys, and trials. I have also been rescued by his work in others, that in their pursuit to love as he loves- have jumped into the water with me and kept me afloat. 

As time passes I gain perspective, and hindsight is always 20/20. I'm thankful that in the midst of struggle I am learning how to be more able to accept the help I need, and not get wrapped up so tight into not wanting to be vulnerable. Taking some time to reflect, I have seen more and more, and I have remembered more and more things said, cards sent, silent emotions in shared tears... and I am thankful that I know sacrificial love in my life from Christ, but also in his people. Looking back and reflecting in that way is humbling and encouraging. 

One time last year I remember sharing a Waffle House late night chat, and the next day feeling strange about some of the topics covered and that weird vulnerable/nakedness feeling as I thought and broke apart details of the conversation. At some point the next evening for no apparent reason my friend whom I shared such things of significance with called to tell me one thing that they had been thinking about in the day, "There is never not going to be a time I won't be there for you. Never." I remember responding by saying thank you, and that I appreciated the call. It was the only thing said before we hung up. 

In the midst of life changes, growth, fear, control, and time... the other day I thought about the friend that called only to say that to me a year ago. The sentiment has been fulfilled, I have not been disappointed in that place. At the time it was said, it felt a lot like a hand reaching out in the midst of the wide open ocean pulling me back into shore for a rest. 

Those are the people I know that the only reaction would be to jump in, and hope to break the surface together. Having been loved that way through difficult, emotional, hurtful, and unpredictable times allows the response to always be, "there is never not going to be a time I won't be there for you. Never".

"I would swim out to save you
In your sea of broken dreams,
When all your hopes are sinking, 
let me show you what love means..."

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