It was beautiful and the sun was shining... but I woke up with the worst headache that the only way to find some relief was to take Aleve and go back to bed for two hours. Something about a mid morning nap completely threw my day off. I didn't feel like myself and continued to notice my complete lack of my short term memory. Recently, I have forgotten where I've put things, what the point of a task was as I was beginning it, and simple moments I've found myself just sort of lost and confused. It has been the weirdest few days, and today just made me feel anxious. I look at my to do list for the weekend ahead, and even in the next few weeks and I just think, "what am I forgetting? what am I missing?", so in turn I've also become obsessive compulsive... which makes me feel like I'm crazy.
I think I just need to breathe. I have already taken Diet Coke out of my daily life, but am now drinking Iced Tea... which as Matty saw tonight when I was talking to him in his kitchen, has made me jittery. Is tomorrow the day I attempt a caffeine free existence? (I am pouting at that statement).
I have also purchased the American Idol version of "Falling Slowly" and listened to it on repeat for over an hour tonight as I've talked on my phone and online. I find some sort of comfort right now in the repetition (which as of right now is 19 times- and by the time I finished writing this? 32).
I feel like I'm running myself in circles in my head, can't get myself to just sit still... I need someone to spend the day with me just to keep me intentional about what I need to accomplish, to ask me if I did my to-do list because I'm unable to focus my attention on anything. But even more then someone keeping me on task, I really need someone to force me to sit down, hold my hand, and just guide me through some breathing exercises. I was asked today what I did, and how it was. I stood there trying to describe it, and my heart just started racing. Not because anything bad happened, or because anything good did. I think I just felt anxious all day for no reason. A mark of growth however is that instead of making idle conversation generically about my day, I was honest: today was strange. Today was hard. I am praying that tomorrow is not like today.
A struggle.
A day that will end soon, and a new one will begin.
Praise the Lord.
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