Little This and That

On the home front I have not done much of anything this week. I have slept in ridiculously late, I have gone to bed fairly early (for me), and I have remained in a rather relaxed state. I think having Gracie here is the best thing possible, and as I move forward towards preparing for my month away from home in January, I am beginning to get upset knowing I won't have her with me. My mom has completely won the needy snuggle puppy over, and its been funny to watch Courtney and Mom get to know my dog and love her. The idea of the week has been from Mom, "Kari, just leave Gracie here in January". Honestly, I continue to think about it. I talked to Matty and asked if he would take a road trip up north when I got back in Feb. to come get Grace (and obviously we would include Tex on the road trip: so Tex if you are reading this you have been included, I just haven't talked to you yet). I am not sure, I have two days to decide.

Things of Note:

1) Mom made Baklava because she knew I loved it, and remembered how excited I was when Matty made it. That made me smile. The way my two families are merging together continues to make my heart swell with gratitude, and I'm thankful that I have friends my parents appreciate in my life. 

2) Gracie can't get on the bed... its too high of the ground. She literally has to get a running start, and the other night I picked her up so she could stop whining and we could snuggle. Why i this dog so funny?

3) I had lunch with my friend Sandy, and I just absolutely love her and her little kids. I'm not a kid person, but I gathered a glimpse of my future in having my own family and it seriously made my heart happy- not scared, I continue to feel that this is an area the Lord continues to change and expand in my heart. 

4) I am talking more openly about the move- and I have felt really affirmed this week. I knew that I was going into this week in CT praying about it, spending time with family, and seeking out some people who have always loved me well for their wisdom. The Lord has continued to show me how I am not alone in this process, and for that I'm so deeply thankful. I have been asked great questions, and I have not always had thoughtful answers in response. But... I have made plans, arrangements, and decisions- and for me that has been where some of the greatest answers have lived. In support and without objection I continue to move towards the biggest change. 

5) I have had the best emails and chats with Matty this week. I'm including this here because it seriously has been such a source of warmth. I just love that kid. 

That's the top Five.

Gracie

We made it to CT... and the snow is sparkling white- its actually really beautiful. I prefer skirts and flip flops--but the snow is magical and I actually love it.

Gracie does too- which is a surprise and a half, "Miss I don't pee in the rain". I don't think its possible for me to love my dog more. 

Where I Stood

I have woken up to this song every morning for two weeks. It haunts me during the day, and I catch myself humming it to myself when I'm in one of the offices here at work alone. I can't escape it, and I honestly try not to play it obsessively on the iPod. While a break up song, it is completely me of this moment. Some of the lyrics are below.

I keep thinking about the very large steps I'm making forward- and I keep finding myself submersed in moments in which my heart is full and unable to grasp how to articulate the impending changes. I imagine myself sitting across from a friend and speaking the first part of the song, and I imagine my tears and I can sense that my heart starts to scream in the silence of trying to talk... so instead I remain quiet.

I wake up to this song in my head every morning, and I think about it during the day. Perhaps it is the most recent addition to the life anthems I have attached myself to over the years. I could break down each line and verse and tell you what I think of, and what it means to me- but I'm just not ready. So instead, if you happen to catch it on XM, or if you download it just to listen to it and hear where I'm at... know that this song haunts me and I just can't remove the melody and the meaning out of my head.


Where I Stood
Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

100,000

My car hit its 100,000th mile yesterday. I have been watching the numbers tick away the past week or so knowing that it was quickly approaching. And yesterday, on my way to Nelson Street it went. I was able to grab a photo pre-and post change on the phone. I've thought about all of those miles. My car is a little over three years old, which averages out the miles to about 33,000 a year. Truth is that most of those miles were put on between August 2007 and now, December 2008. I went everywhere in my trusty Honda, and I think I'm more emotionally attached to it then I thought. It has been a lot of places up and down the East Coast, and I'm excited about where it is going to take me on Saturday... to Connecticut for the Holiday. Gracie and I will load it up and head on North through the traffic and congestion associated with construction and arrive at my mom's house. It has been a little over a year since I was last up North, and now as I look towards the week ahead I am excited to be there. I desperately need some perspective from life that I am currently not able to attain remaining in my everyday. Which I suppose brings me to my next current life issue.

I have debated long and hard about a moving date out of Lexington, VA... and I have written endlessly about being content, finding patience in small pockets, seeking Christ and His plan. The time has come that knowledge combines with the heart seeking His purpose. In deciding to pursue what I have on my heart, I have put into motion some time in Ky/In for the month of January. News of this decision has not spread far and wide, but those I have begun to share with have returned my tears and news with "I'm proud of you". There has been something about hearing that, that has made such an impact. I know that their pride is rooted in love, but its almost like in a strange way- that they knew that this was what needed to happen the entire time... and now that I see it, and I'm boldly moving forward their hearts can only respond to my fear with encouragement and support.

I have had a couple of really good days at work. I love Nelson Street, I love the energy, and I love the ladies I work with. I have been a little antisocial among the great friends I have here, and I know that it is a reflection of the inner dialogue I have about where I'm going and what I might find there. It's a confusing and complexing blend of emotion- and there are days when I feel manic and insane. Mostly, I think I'm just sad. I'm tired. I fear that if I don't attempt to make some changes right now, I never will... and for that I fear remaining here in this place- regardless of the dreams and relationships I have, I will remain stagnant. I can set up a work room in a new house, and I can contribute to a new community in a new town. I may love my house, my friends here... but my life? My life is not what I want it to be. I want more. I can see clearly now that wanting more and pursuing better are intertwined- and that I need to know that I can do it. I need to know that I can go. I need it more then I want it, and perhaps that is why I feel like the Lord is calling me in this direction.

So on Saturday I will go home and begin a week at home with Gracie, and my family. I will think and I will pray about January- and how what I might determine will dramatically impact my February... I will go back and forth about what I think I should do. And I will probably find myself sorting out those thoughts, here... the open abyss of the blog where every last dream and plan has been written over the past year and a half.

Change.

On shuffle a gift came the other day, a song I've never listened to that was tucked away for a special introduction-- and so it has become the latest current obsessed song on the iPod. I am working my way through things that I cannot change, wouldn't change, and have to change. I made a large step last week in talking about an area in my life that was hurting. I allowed others to see the pain, and I think in more ways then I could ever understand at the time- it meant that I was showing myself how real it was, and how I needed to let it go in a way that I thought I already had. Keeping things inside will do that, you will run in circles and after you've exhausted yourself you stop thinking so much about it. I think for myself when I stop thinking so much, I fool myself into believing its because I've moved on, forgiven, or let go completely... when really something else has just taken the spot of attention for awhile. The band aid came off, and what was exposed was not just the truth of a situation- but also the heart issue below the surface.

I cannot change choices I've made... I have to let them go.
I need to learn how to forgive those things.
In time I will continue to learn how to love what I cannot change.
But, I will change.

It started with talking. The movement continued in saying goodbye to something important to me that was hurting. In its place came perspective that we are always making choices, and how one choice can impact a whole slurry of things that we would never think are connected. I'm thankful I started talking, and I'm thankful that in doing so the burden to carry it was not left on my own shoulders. The weight was shared. While with being vulnerable comes fear, and panic-- when I was able to get through those things... what was left was something sturdy, something true... there was freedom. And I wouldn't change that, for anything.

What I Cannot Change
L.Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

today.

ikea.

australia by baz with hugh and nicole.

Marriott.... dream king size bed.

Does the day get much better? I am in Arlington, VA spending the night at the Marriott where my Nikon Photography class will be hosted tomorrow. I drove up from Lexington around 11am, made some stops along the way and found myself at Potomac Mills, where I took in a 3:35pm showing of Australia. My desire to visit the Outback has definitely been increased since spending 2 hours and 45 minutes listening to the accents and admiring the cinematography. I followed the movie up with some outlet shopping (no winners), and a phone chat with Mandy while sitting in one of the living rooms on the Ikea showroom floor... and while our phone chat got cut off short and I had much more to say-- I walked away happy to talk to her and then I got a text message telling me "I really do love you and you are amazing. I'm so glad you are my friend". It was a perfect message for the perfect moment. 

It was a great day, I smiled easily and freely- I made a friend in the parking lot at Potomac Mills, and now I am enjoying the most comfortable bed with big feather pillows a girl could ask for. With the exception of the 10 minute conversation with Mandy, I have remained fairly quiet-- and the constant dialogue in my head wasn't just me running ideas in circles. I asked myself questions-and answered them, I talked myself through some dreams and plans... and I sang along loudly with the iPod.... loudly... it was fantastic. 

On a side note-- In the car today while on shuffle a song came up twice, when does that ever happen? I love this song, always have... and twice it came on the iPod completely random. Anyway, it really just struck a cord with me today and I found it to be quite encouraging. 

Waiting On Your Love by Justin McRoberts

There's nothing so heavy
Weighing down the soul
As the weight of nothing
Worth my strength to hold

There's no pain so cutting
No battle as in vain
As the constant battle
To avoid the pain

You were poor when you were born
You could see Your Father clearly
Through the nothing that You owned

Free me from these binds, Lord
I am choking on the gifts this world gives, Jesus
I am waiting on Your love

So as Your word has promised
I must clearly choose
To lose my life and gain Your love
Or love my life and lose

Not As We

How many times have I loved something or someone before I understood or knew what it meant?

I am song oriented. I am obsessed with the written lyric, and the way that the melody is just meant for it. I never just drive by a sunset without noticing it, and I'm learning how to pay attention to see more rainbows. Where I am is not where I was and who I am is not who I was. There are places in my heart that I have taken four steps back, and in other areas I am moving right along at a nice pace... a healthy one. All of these random thoughts do make sense, they are connected I promise. 

In making choices about where I am going in the future, a few weeks ago I made the largest one. I decided to not decide. I put on the shelf the destination and associated a time frame in which I can handle and I left the thought there. I decided the choice to go could not be made in wisdom if I refused to appreciate and live my life here. This notion has been easier in some moments, and much harder in others. I have voices that continually ask me what I think, what I want to do, and challenge me in being content in the workplace. The shelf that I put the pressure and anxiety on is sturdy, and I know where it is. I know that there will be times I will be before it removing all that I've trusted there, and I know that there's a possibility I won't be able to handle it on my own and I will freak out.... again. But I also know that not holding it so closely, and not having it mean so much right now will allow me to open up and grow in ways necessary... so maybe, just maybe when I know that the aching in my heart is not just a fantasy I will be able to chose it confidently, take it off the shelf and not look back. 

I have always loved rainbows. I have loved rainbows since I was a little girl, for the simple beauty and marvel of them. I did not know then that they were a sign of God's promise. I loved them before I understood or knew what they meant. My love increased when I could appreciate that the Lord is with me, and that the rainbow is a gift to me, as much as it was to Noah back in the day. 

I have always been drawn to Independence. I didn't know when I was younger what it meant in responsibility to get older, I just loved that it meant freedom. I was obsessed with the passing of each year, and the freedoms I would get to enjoy once 'of age'. Independence, I did not understand meant something more then learning how to drive, graduate High School, or making a mortgage payment. Now, living a life financially secure and separate from my parents, I find my perspective on Independence change as I've learned that dependence on particular things is important... I can't do it all solo- my youth wasn't some race to be free and on my own... it was really the road to understand that while I am my own person, I am a child of the King- and my dependence on Him is what I have to wake up everyday and continue to surrender. I loved Independence before I understood what it meant, and now in maturity I love it still because I can see how slippery a slope it can be, but how at the end of each day my freedom is in Christ and not in my own agenda. 

Each day is new. Each day I wake up on the right side of the bed after I've told Gracie to get down. I don't know what would happen if I chose the left side... I think Gracie would be so confused.  There are days when I get dressed and go to work. There are days when I have a misc. to do list in the house. Recently there are more days in which I have found myself sitting at my desk working on my pictures, and figuring out how to sell them. For the past three weeks every day I have listened to the same play list. It starts with an Alanis song titled "Not As We". She is a wordy and poetic song writer and so it took some time before I could really grasp what she was trying to convey in her melody. I knew that I loved the song. I loved the sound, and I loved the way it moved my heart. I loved it in these ways before I understood what it meant. 

Last night when I was driving home I did something very unlike me... I did not listen to the radio or my iPod. I drove between 113 Houston Street and 34 White Oak Lane without a single sound from my stereo. For a mile or two I just drove, it was almost midnight and I was tired. But then I started talking. It wasn't because I was afraid of the silence, or because I like the sound of my own voice so much. It was because it was time to have a conversation with Jesus that my heart had been holding captive and away from the Savior... because I was afraid of what He might say. I said a lot in the car, it was a meaningful and it was honest. What I found myself asking was for Day One. A new start in some areas of my life that I'm struggling with. I prayed that I would be able to let go of thoughts, regrets, relationships, and dreams that are holding me back. 

Not a single song was on my radio. I have thought often that Jesus lives in the radio, as I've felt spoken to many times when listening to the eclectic mix that I have no control over. I have had friends laugh with me about this, and I've had friends experience those moments of "seriously, 3 times I have to hear this song tonight?". While its cheesy and an over used term, the song that I heard in an otherwise silent car, was one from my heart and it was not what I thought it would sound like. It was new, it was different. I don't understand it, and I don't know what the lyrics meant- but I love it. I love it like I loved rainbows as a little girl, how I love dependence on Christ now- even if it find it impossible for me to do that well, and I love it like I love "Not As We"... now that I understand what that song means. 

The song I heard in my heart was a collection of moments, conversations, and looks. Those moments you can't forget. The conversations that are you just standing still before a friend as you've exposed your hurt... when the reply has only been your name over and over again, and that 'its ok'. The looks in making someone laugh simply in their enjoyment of who you are. I heard something that I loved. And that was knowing that Day One is any day I chose it, and going forward as I, means leaving all those hurts, distractions, relationships that keep me further from Christ and who I'm supposed to be behind. Those are the "We's". Today for me, has meant, calming the shivering I have when I'm nervous in a difficult conversation, starting again, from scratch... in the silence I hear my name over and over again, and it says "It's Ok". 

Not As We by Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Gun-shy and shivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again

But this time I as I,

And, not as we...

1,682 miles

Between Tuesday of last week and concluding yesterday afternoon, I had traveled 1,682 miles. Thankfully I did not have it all go on my car, just half. I saw a lot of 64E/W... and stopped half a dozen times along the way because I consumed too much soda or iced coffee.

I went to Hamburg, PA to meet up with my mom to reunite her with her dog Boomer. I then went to Williamsburg, VA where I stayed for a couple of days to celebrate Thanksgiving with Bill, Meghan, and my Dad. That night I pulled into their driveway and was just so tired. I spent 12 hours in the car that day, most of which just thinking. I talked to Boomer like he was a person, and I listened to my iPod on shuffle. I didn't talk on the phone until that night when a friend was also in their car driving home for the Holiday. I almost wish that I had talked to someone like that earlier, so I could spend the other hours of quiet in the car just thinking about some of the topics we covered.

Arriving with my Wii in tow, the family was able to relax with each other and play some hysterical Olympic and tennis games. I laughed from such a deep true place that my head started to hurt and tears were sliding down my cheeks...it was so funny. My brother purchased his Wii today. How funny is that?

I made it home to Lexington (VA), and then got in Matt's car for our trip to Mandy's in OH. I was so tired of being in the car, I think I almost started pulling my hair out. However, the wonderful Apple store restored my hope in customer service and I got my mac book fixed by Max... the Cincinnati love of my life. I also deeply love Mandy Stegman... I love many things about her- but my favorite thing is that being with her is natural, regardless of the amount of time between visits or frequency of our phone chats. Its like we were never apart.

On Saturday night I got to experience my "Virginia Family" in Ohio at the Festival of Lights at the Zoo. It was great to be together in the midst of lights, music, the aroma of cinnamon roasted almonds, and animals. I laughed a lot with them, and I had a fantastic conversation with Theresa... which was done walking arm in arm, slowly behind our three friends.

Sunday morning I woke up in KY after only a few shorts hours of sleep to meet Seth and Julie for Coffee. I love them. I want to live with them. I think I might do that. I spent the afternoon just resting before going to Lex, KY for the night. I feel at ease there, and I laugh there. I got to hang out with my favorite, Laura Purdy and felt spoken to and challenged at church... seriously Jesus has his act together- it could not have been a more perfectly spoken sermon for where I was, and what I needed to hear.

Driving home, Tex and I caught up with Matt in WV and traveled through some windy snow storms. It was slow moving, but we were trying to be safe and not leave Matt stranded in his winter driving anxiety. To stay awake and alert we talked, and we sang along to the radio. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can talk. Anyone who knows Tex and I's friendship, knows that we can talk endlessly. Yesterday in the little Honda Accord two friends talked about all sorts of things. I felt like we had been in the car for days by the time we arrived at the boys house...simply because I was so tired. I was tired of talking. I was tired from driving 1682 miles in a long weekend. I was tired of thinking. I was... tired. I wanted a hug from someone to welcome me home, and I wanted affirmation that thoughts and feelings I had that came up in the marathon conversation were heard in love.

So the road trip was a success. I saw people that I loved- and most of all it wasn't filled with many people and little time...but a few important people and quality time. I know that I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for each and every day. I know that I don't often thank the Lord when I talk to Him... and I know that I can live my life always wanting more and never seeing what I have. In the 1,682 miles I was able to spend hours upon hours thinking in the car staring out into nowhere, and I was able to spend a few hours sharing my heart- and including those I care about in on the inner workings of my heart, and hurts. I am thankful for each mile, even though it was easy to complain about being tired. I am thankful for them because each one brought me closer to someone I loved... I am thankful for them because each one allowed dialog and conversation to happen with no excuses. I am thankful for many things. Most especially, waking up in my own bed this morning with Gracie snuggled along side just wanting to be close in her unconditional love and affection.

"She lives her life on the road,
She'll marry the miles- to see how far they go,
And the past keeps moving too slow..."

tradition.

Christmas Joy.

Christmas Spirit.

It's everywhere.

When I was little I remember begging my grandfather to play my favorite of his extensive collection Christmas Carol records on the player in our living room. I would sit on the pristine white carpet leaning up against the couch looking at each record jacket memorizing every detail, and listening to the songs on repeat. This was also paired with the viewing of kids classic Christmas movies, that were finally purchased on VHS because I requested renting them so often.

Our family has always had its share of Holiday Traditions. They range from Christmas Pajama's on Christmas Eve (EVERY year), the double doors closing off the living room until everyone was awake and then being opened the most elaborate display of of presents, opening stockings pre-breakfast, then pancakes for the meal, and everyone having their turn going around opening a gift and appreciating the moment. At one point there were four siblings, two parents, one grandparent, one dog, and one cat. The spectacle that was Christmas was eventful and rich in tradition. For several years I saw the tree in Rockefeller Center and enjoyed the window displays at Macy's. Growing up in New England always provided the hope for a snow dusted Christmas morning... and snuggling up with the dog with a blazing fire place to keep the day warm and comforting. 

Families change. Elements of tradition evolve into something new. I have many feelings about how all these changes have impacted the traditions in which I had latched onto in my childhood.

How to appreciate what you have and not compare it to what you remember... now that is the trick. Working Retail for many a Holiday Season my mind was very preoccupied with what I was doing in the work place, that reflecting on changes within my family were not of the highest thought priority. These days are different. I am not working 60 hours in Retail preparing for the rush of Black Friday or the Post Christmas returns and clearance sales. I am being bombarded with images of decorations, and my radio always seems to include some sort of Holiday melody. 

Christmas is everywhere. I appreciate that there are things that I grew up with that continue, despite the ever distant location of each member of my family. I am thankful that I still receive Christmas pajamas... that breakfast is still hot and delicious before a single gift is opened. I am thankful that my mom still has the stocking that I grew up with, and that my dad will still watch a Christmas Story with me. Somethings don't have to change. New traditions are created, and new memories are made.

Yet... my heart desires very much to be a little girl that would make so much noise in the house that her older brothers would have to wake up far earlier then they planned so that we could get the 'show' going... my heart still desires to watch "my ornaments" make their way front in center on the tree- you know the ones that you make in Elementary school with glitter, glue, and Popsicle sticks? I wish I could smell my grandfather making his coffee in the morning, and see him standing there in his plaid pajama pants- leather fleece lined slippers, and a Santa hat on his head. With my siblings all over the place, and my parents living their own separate lives I wish still to wake up one house... as one unit sitting around the breakfast table- with the anticipation mounting for the great reveal of gifts under the tree. 

This year, like the past 10 are different. I am approaching a crossroads where the amount of time I lived in the midst of childhood rooted memories is about to be less then the new traditions created in the changes in my family. I am not sure how I feel about that quite honestly. I look forward to having a family of my own, children of my own to instill things about the Holiday's that I loved growing up... and how a new cycle of love and celebration for Baby Jesus being born in a Manger will create new memories and new traditions. I know however, that I can't extend my reach for the future and hold onto the goodness that exists in the now, even if its different... even if it changed ten years ago. I need to appreciate the tradition I have, the moments I have.