Failure and Love

"Though I may fail you, I will never walk away from you."

"You bring out the worst in me but it’s the side I need to see
And through the conflicts and the difference and damage done
We are strong and still are one
You will fail me, you will fail me again and again and again
And I will fail you, I will fail you again and again and again
Again and again and again
But we will learn to love in spite of failure
Yes we will learn to love because of failure"

I have always made Apple Pie's at Thanksgiving. My family has requested them, and I have been able to contribute to the assortment of Holiday Eating's with my masterfully crafted pastry crust and apple filling. On Saturday I made a pie. I ignorantly changed the recipe a little bit and opted to try a different crust. It was edible, and it was good- but it was not great... it was not MY apple pie. Not satisfied with this failed attempt at baking, yesterday I made my second apple pie. It was in fact delicious, and I even dropped by my dad's house last night and gave him a hearty slice of the decadent dessert. My heart could rest after the completion and tasting of the successful pie creation.

I have always been particular to details and successes. Recently I have begun to understand more acutely how my perfectionism can get away from me, and cause me to be unsatisfied and paralyzed in creative areas of my life. I am not someone who fails easily or well, and yet I am constantly faltering, I am not perfect. I have running lists for the mail I would like to send- that never gets a stamp, I have plans for gifts that are never completed, I have pride rooted in being "right" even though I am often wrong... and I have illusions that I am composed and collected, when I know truly I am a running mess of emotion and conflict.

I am coming to terms with my failures. I am coming to grips with what they mean, and how I can grow from them- not to be perfect, not to be better... but to be able to surrender more of myself to the mercy of Christ so that they will be redeemed... so that I will be changed. What continues to pick away at the walls I have created is the desire to be known, to be vulnerable. I am tired of maintaining relationships based on the needs of those I care about, that allow me to remain protected. I have sought in the past couple of years friendships that are rooted in mutual respect, mutual faith, and mutual love. In this quest for truer relationships I have found the greatest examples of love in my life. I sense the Father's touch in theirs, and I have found peace in words spoken seeking to ease my aching heart.

When I think about the people that mean the absolute most to me, those that I would go to the ends of the earth for, and not because their love required it- but because my love for them would go wherever needed. I think about one friend in particular and how in our friendship I have learned a tremendous about communication, the need to be open with what matters in our hearts, and how to hold each other to that truth even if it means it hurts. Because of them I have seen the worst sides of myself, and I have been shown realities I had worked long and hard at avoiding. Like the above lyric says, "you bring out the worst in me, but its the side I need to see", this friend has done that simply by being who they are. Together we have had to work through insecurities, doubt, and fears- all leading back to whether the other one of us would walk away from our friendship, or be replaced... not because what we share is broken or because it is dysfunctional... simply because we have worked along and moved past the superficial walls that are placed, we have laughed, and we have cried together- there is so much more at stake now then when we first became friends... the risk is so much greater. We have and will continue to fail each other. Having Christ a focus in our friendship, we have also learned how to be stronger, and how to love in spite of and because of those failures.


I know that those that I love will fail me. What started as wanting to love others before myself, was taken to a dark place in wanting to avoid abandonment. Fear of being left. Fear of being thought no longer worth knowing. If we always put the needs of others before ourselves, without sharing our hurts and our hearts with them, we are only creating walls that are impossible for others to see. We project the illusion we desire, and not the true essence of who we are... and who we are really- the beaten, the broken, the joyful, the triumphant are the real reflections of Christ and His love for us. It makes me sad to look back on so many moments I failed at showing my true self, and in turn not revealing the mercy and grace I have glad fully taken from the Lord but yet not boasted in His goodness- simply because I didn't want others to see the hurt and in turn leave.

You Can

"Take me where I've never been
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow"

Last night I had a conversation with a friend about the events that played out in my life at the end of September, I was able to determine that, that was the beginning of the tailspin--- and now, the tailspin is over.

It is not an exaggeration that October was a difficult month. I know that my mind while active and full of imagination and intelligence, can also work against me and perpetuate ideas, stresses, thoughts, and anxiety that pit myself against myself. I am my own worst enemy at times.

My life is built on relationships. Ranging from the most important one that I have with the Lord, my family, the one with myself, and my friends. I know that when I'm spending time in Scripture and writing in my journal during a quiet time my relationship with Christ flourishes, and yet I have a difficult time putting aside time daily to do that. I know that when I call my parents, or siblings that my love is communicated best through effort, and yet I know that I don't extend myself outside of my busy schedule enough. I know that when I relax, am not quite so hard on myself- that I allow my creative heart to run wild and my anxiety releases, and yet I find myself getting caught up in fear of the future, fear in making choices. I know that when I listen more then I talk, and when I love my friends well with runs to the store to grab snacks when they are home sick, I am more myself and the quality of those relationships grow... and yet I can get selfish and distracted.

I know the cycles. Looking back at difficult times, and tears that were shed during those challenging days... I can see how the only one that can save me from myself is Christ. That He asks me to follow him, and there are periods when I do that willingly and well... and other times I have one hand on the world not able to let go. I know that when I'm impatient, that He assures me that patience is necessary and living in peace with that is often times the point.

It's Him and no one else.

It's not comfort in snuggling with Gracie. It is not joy in laughing with a friend about silly things. It is not being distracted by things of no value so that I won't think about what I should be doing.

It's His touch. It's His purpose. I have found myself breathing more deeply, and laughing from a more authentically joyful place. I have sensed the Father's hand on my heart calming me and slowing me down through the voices and touches of those who love me. I have read in books messages I didn't know I was aching to hear, and I have read in letters that someone believes in me and seeks to share my burden.

He is everywhere. He can do anything. He can save me from me. He has provided for me more then I have ever been able to thank. With Him, I know that I can.

The tailspin is over. I am finding rest in the moment. I may still be working towards better sleep, but I am on the right path. I am going in the right direction.

wanting & needing

I like nice things. I like Apple products, Tiffany's, Starbucks, nice hotels... name brand aluminum foil- not the cheap stuff... there are countless other things. I don't need nice things, I would be able to live a very happy life without them and enjoy the lesser valued versions. However, I do believe the Apple makes better products, nice hotels have better beds, and Reynolds wrap is far superior to that of Kroger brand.

When I think about what I need in my life, for basic operation and health none of those things above are relevant necessities. I understand this, I know it, and I try really hard to let go of my association with nice things with personal joy and success.

Wanting and needing at one point in a friendship I grew up with became one and the same. Through the years of adolescent strife and grief, we knew that we wanted our friendship to be successful and healthy- but that we also needed it. We needed each other, and were not afraid to affirm in each other that truth. Somewhere along the way in life though, we don't often think of relationships that way- we are independent, we are capable, all we need is Jesus, etc... when did needing someone in your life become a crutch? or a negative emotional co dependence?

Last night there was a scene in Grey's Anatomy in which Dr. Hunt repeated over and over again to Christina "I don't need you", he then preceded to kiss her. I had a friend this week tell me that they didn't need my friendship in their life, but they couldn't imagine life without it. I was recently asked "What do you want?" in respect to life debates and questions- and after I answered was followed up with, "What do you need?". This word, "need" continues to come up this week.

All that to say I have thought an awful lot about what it is that I want in my life, but also very much about what I need, and more importantly, who. I know that I want goodness, encouragement, support... I want to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. I want good people in my life, and I want to allow myself to be vulnerable with them so that we can grow. I want a roof over my head, and I want to feel safe in my own skin. I always tend to want more-- of everything.

Essentially, I know that I need only Jesus. Under that banner, all my other earthly needs are provided: food, water, and shelter. Beyond that my heart is given much more- I have been given amazing family and friends to love and carry me through this life with accountability, laughter, and support in prayer.

I am in a place right now that I have come through a difficult patch on the road, and I'm very aware that my wants and needs are the same. I have struggled with admitting this out loud, and I struggle because I sense that others in my life wouldn't necessarily say the same thing. My perspective right now is skewed. Wanting and Needing are aligned.

I want some people in my life...but the truth of those relationships? I know that right now, I need them. And I know in my heart that feeling that way, isn't a bad thing.

Things Worth Noting

1) On the weather forecast for Tuesday...? Snow showers. Ok, friends... Kari doesn't do Winter well. It's a true story. I have been told recently that I can't escape the winter this year, but last winter was soo great- Florida, and Thailand? I missed so much of the cold bitter snow!

2) The Rockbridge County Banquet was last night- and it was successful! I helped serve and cook- which meant that I had dinner in the back with some W&L kids, Julie, Matty, and Tree. I laughed really hard, and thoroughly enjoyed the banter. I spent a few hours at camp in the kitchen, and I just love the kitchen. I don't think that I'd ever be interested in working in there full time, but I love that Bakery... and I love the ministry that happens behind that stainless steel counter.

3) The new David Archuleta and Taylor Swift albums: are cheesy pop delicious. Current favorites of theirs? For Archie its "Take My Hand" and Taylor, its "Breathe" and "White Horse". Perhaps these two new works aren't going to make musical history or be accredited for changing the scope of the industry...but they are playful and they are fun- and that is great.

4) I actually want to go Christmas Shopping. I might start tomorrow. This is strange for me, I typically WAIT until December. But... I have IDEAS, so why not get started?

Two Words Plus One

During a dinner a few weeks ago my great friend Jamie challenged me to describe him in two words. I sat thoughtfully for most of dinner trying to determine what the words I would pick out of so many to consequently "define" him. I finally came up with my two, and then he proceeded to tell me the two he chose for me. What I liked most about this exercise in articulation was that I appreciated his explanation for his two for me, Willing/Faithful, and Driven. He cheated. He merged two words into one... I allowed the cheat because I liked so much what he had to say about why. I was then instructed to chose one word for myself.... after careful thought I picked 'expressive'. He agreed that it was a wise choice. 

We left that dinner and I didn't expect that the words he chose would remain on my mind, or that I would think of them during random moments at work or in general life- they way that they had. I found comfort in his explanations and found rest for the way that he saw me. I placed the napkin on which the words were scribbled, on the fridge. I look at them daily and smile.  

I recently have been struck by a question I heard between two fictional characters on television, "How do you think I see you?". I began to think of those in my life that I care for well, and that I have allowed into my heart... and thought about the vulnerability that exists in being emotionally open and uncensored. How truth spoken from us about our thoughts and feelings... our inner fears and dialogues changes the stage in which we stand with those that are there to listen. How does their image of us change in the truth they become witness to? And for the control freak that I am, how does knowing that image changes as I become more real, present freedom in expression, or fear in being known?

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day that I never intended having. I never intended speaking that thought and scenario of "How do you See Me?" out loud. I didn't want to know. Once I began talking about it, the more I couldn't stop myself from sharing. I know at the end of the day that this friend I was speaking to knows my heart, knows my facial expressions, knows my body language better then I do at times (that's a hard admission: but it's true and we know it). When you have someone in your life that can do those things, how do you talk yourself out of the fear that comes with, are we still the ideal versions to them as we were in the beginning before there was so much at stake? Or do we mean more? Is their true sight of us something we run from, but at the same time wish that everyone knew us that way? Is the true Great Escape in those that we are able to stand before and be completely us, without reservation? Is it knowing that we need them? Not that we want to have great people in our lives... but that we actually Need them. 

This whole thought process began with two words chosen for me, plus one of my own. It continued into the sight seen, and worrying if the emotional person I am is viewed as a basket case or train wreck. It concludes in the suggestion Mary had at my birthday dinner last night for everyone to share something about me that they appreciated, Matt began thinking it meant one word, so others followed suit. I was described in a handful of words. More then two plus one. 

The last friend to go was Jamie, and he said Willing. After our conversation on Sunday night talking about an impending move that he was encouraging me to pursue, I can see why he would stand by Willing. My heart is wide open. My heart is Willing.

Today. The day after my birthday, my heart returns to Willing. I think of many other things that I heard... and many other sentiments spoken in cards, eye winks, and gifts. When I survey the birthday celebration I can see how I am known intimately well by a handful of special people here. From the selection of granola and fruit for dessert frozen yogurt, Yahtzee from a fellow competitor, to quiet moments sitting and talking with those I share a deep bond. 

Being seen has lived in words. It has lived in glances. It has lived in touches. It has lived in playful pushes. It has lived in pictures printed on canvas. And it has lived in those that see 'me', fighting for me regardless of how much struggle I present in my growth. 

How do you see me? I pray it is a reflection of this heart pursuing Christ. I pray that you are able to recognize the me that those who know the complete me see. 

"I need you.

Everyone needs someone like you...

If you need me too, 

You would be the only thing I'd take, 

On my Great Escape"

Wish

"I wanna do something that matters, 

Say something different,
Something that sets the whole world on it's ear
I wanna do something better, with the time I've been given
and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothing less that something that says I was here

I know it's my destiny to leave more that a trace of myself in this place
And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I'll leave nothing less that something that says I was here"

I have been encouraged to rest and let go. I'm learning that sometimes Jesus lives in the voices of those who love me well, and even though ridiculous... in the radio. Sometimes I wish the voices and insights didn't contradict each other so much. However, the love for me continues in the different points of view, and their direction to Jesus rises above it all. 

Today is my birthday, and I love birthday's. My Wish? To leave more then a trace of myself in this place, do more than just pass through this life... say something different. I have known that I could do anything, and that I can be anything... there has been fear in my heart to make the wrong choice, or what I  deem "the right choice". What I know in my mind is starting to permeate the fear that lives in my heart. I know what I want. I know what that means. I know that regardless of where that puts me, who I love, and what choices I make, I believe that my life is going to mean something different.  

I believe that my wish can come true, 

That it is coming true as I continue to,

Take deeper breaths, 

Focus myself on Christ, 

Listen to the silences in addition to the voices of those who love me- 

and those voices that live in the radio. 

The Boys & I Out West: Highlights

1) Disneyland.

Space Mountain and Haunted Mansion- far superior to that in the World. Splash Mountain, and getting soaked- but then appreciating how were saved compared to the two guys sitting in front of us. I just giggled a lot... I couldn't help it. Tea Cups with the three of us- I nearly passed out because I was laughing so hard. We met Mickey. I couldn't find Tigger anywhere. The longest we waited was 30 minutes for a ride, and dare I say it was for Peter Pan? I found my inner child in the Fantasyland Rides, and I held onto her the entire day. It was a GREAT day. Matty had changed his mind last week and decided to go, and I can't imagine that day without him. All in all, a WINNER. 

2) The Ocean. 

We took a 2.1 mile walk from our hotel in Venice Beach up to the Santa Monica Pier after we checked in on Sunday. Our way up there it was sunny, warm, and beautiful. As the view of the pier came closer into sight, I was excited for on it contains my bench. I was also terrified to share it with Matty and Tex. The significance of that particular spot is so special to me, and only me- how do you share that and let go of the fact with the introduction it will mean something different, something new? They let me sit, and we talked for a little bit. I got to appreciate the view, and I got to smile when thinking about the first time I was there- over a year ago. I remembered when I was first there in August of '07 that I received a text from Tex, who was at my house with everyone, just wanting to check in with me. The exchange of messages that day contained nothing out of the ordinary, but it did connect home with where I was in the moment. Last Sunday, I got to feel on either side of me two friends that I love. It was different then the times I'd been there before. It had changed. The change? It was perfect. 

3) Vegas. 

Ridiculous. It was the perfect transition into relaxation from the traffic/city life of LA. 

We had some amazing food- I would like to mention that we had great food all week, from In & Out Burger, Pinkberry, The World Cafe, to all the fantastic choices in Vegas... winners! But if you know me, you know the highlight is always Justus Kerr- my favorite Stylist at the salon, Color. I met Justus three years ago after leaving CA, and before my return to VA, completing a near month in Bakersfield after Bill died. Justus was the first person I met that had nothing to do with my life in VA, or experience in CA... he wasn't associated with the "pre-heart break me", or the "post-heart break me". It was right in the middle, the limbo before I returned home and would begin the real difficult process of grief in action. As he gave me what would become my first of many favorite hair cuts, he asked me simple questions, and when I was ready I began to talk. That day I sat in the Salon for three hours, and after it was all said and done he gave me a hug, and I knew that I had been heard. My jaunts to Vegas have less to do with where it is then people ever really know. It is about a time, a place, three years ago that I was able to breathe in deeply after holding everything I felt for three weeks inside my heart. I can relax there. It could look different, be different, or be some random little town in Small Town America... my association is not the glitz, the glamor, the excess. Last week I got to visit my Boo, and we talked again, real life, real issues. The boys came and waited for me, and I introduced them to each other. I worried as the time ticked away and I took longer then expected. Anyway, a highlight. I could breathe... deeply and truly. The day followed and lived up to the start with greatness- dinner, show... my dress. 

4) The Boys.

I can't imagine being blessed with two travel partners that I could enjoy more. Being miss-solo/independant traveler, I was a little anxious going into a week of my favorite places and sharing the agenda and itinerary. But, I loved it. Beyond where we were, and what we were doing- I loved spending time with them. It was fun to watch these two friends of mine, who work and live together, enjoy themselves and each other outside of the home and work place... it was just them hanging out. They made me laugh when I'd walk behind them, and would be half listening to their conversation. They balanced each other out when there was a tweak of tension, and I was grateful for that more then I was able to acknowledge in those moments. On the phone with Theresa from the airport on Friday she asked how the week went, and I said simply and with great enthusiasm: "I just love them". I was able to share time with each of them, and I was able to enjoy the dynamic we all created. When I was wrestling to get to sleep when I got back, I missed hearing the "Jacques" voice, and I missed them. What better way to end a week with friends then to be content and happy with what was shared- and wanting just a bit more. Seriously? Loved.Every.Moment.With.Them.

Today

We got back on Friday night, I walked in the door at 2am Saturday morning and found myself awake for about an hour unable to calm down, or understand the time difference. I have opened this page three times, attempting to write an update on life, a synopsis of the trip, or to ramble about the 55 things I have running through my mind and heart at the moment. Not being sure of how to do any of those things well, I have closed the blog and left it unwritten. 

I am now sitting on the couch, looking out at the of the fall covered hills beyond the trees that once masked the view with their green leaves. I have successfully been able to do two things on the list for the day: 1) Grocery shopped, and 2) The Dishes. The laundry, and other housekeeping necessities remain on the task list for the day, I have tried to assure myself that they will get done, I can take a moment and sit. 

Gracie is at The Vet. She is being tested for some things, and I will be honest- when I dropped her off today I teared up on the way to my car. I am thankful that where I boarded her last week took such great care of her that they noticed her "drinking" problem, which could be linked to a short list of diseases. She is an emotional sap (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, or so I've heard), and when we went inside the office this morning she jumped up on my shoulders and started shaking. She was scared, and where did she go? Up on top of me for comfort. Perhaps that is what pulled at my heart and began the tears. I am sure she is going to be fine... but fear and being scared are real- and I'm scared that she won't be. I wish there had been someone there that I could turn around to, put my arms on their shoulders and find comfort for my fear. 

Otherwise, I'm doing well. Tonight is BSF, and tomorrow is my Birthday. I love Birthday's...not just mine- every one's. I got my first wish of a happy day, so I suppose in a small way the celebration has begun today. Yay.