To Run...

I am sure that I am not alone in the notion of running... and I am not referring to the athletic sport.  I am sure we are all united on the front that we run away from conflict, pain, discomfort, choices, people, and even times opportunities. We run in circles, we run marathons, we run with our eyes closed, and we run with our hands open. We are often running without a plan, just an innate desire to go in an opposite direction we are currently residing. 

Writing on the blog has always been a place where I can come, vent about whatever I think is important, whatever happens to be on my mind, and its just my place. I have worked hard at being vulnerable, and I have tried to peel back the callused layers of my heart to reveal the true me... the me I don't often show, and the me I'm continuing to grow, learn, and love. 

I have had many times that I have sought this place to rant and rave about a particular friendship, conversation, hurt, or dream. Sometimes what has rolled out of my heart onto the keys has been what I have wanted most to portray, while what I have desired to protect and guard continues to live far beneath the surface. When reflecting on my most favorite posts and things that I have written here, it is always because of the pure nakedness in which I articulated my heart and point of view. I have read them back to myself and I have found comfort in the words that I have down in front of me, and even though they are posted on the blog- I still feel as if they are letters to self that are my sources of encouragement that no one knows about.

My point is not to say that I am hiding, or that I'm not being real. I think anyone who reads this and knows me, can clearly see that I am writing what is authentically important to me, and that I do not create stories just to have something to discuss. While I continue to work through the feelings I have about life, and its purpose... I am working on breaking through the fear and being open that I'm still figuring some important things out.  I have recently had some challenges come to the surface of my heart, that have required me to completely surrender myself to the unknown and large abyss of possibility in Christ. 

I have wanted to run. I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to hear in voices of those I trust to tell me to go in the opposite direction I am moving, and instead have been met with inquisitive eyes, cautionary tales of support, but most of all- freedom. While I would love to detail the situations here, and the relationships that I am finding myself most hesitant about letting go of my control in... the people and particular aspects don't matter. They know who they are, and while I know that they cheat and read the blog before calling me up, and checking in on me, I know that I am loved by them. 

I am reminded often that the road I am on, I am not alone. I have been poured into the past couple of weeks with insight and truth that regardless of the future that none of us can predict, that relying on Christ now and completely will draw me closer to Him, and He will be there with me through it all. The dreams, the plans, the places to go... the people to love, the people to wait for, the people to let go of... after all the lines we are to say are said, and after all the tears we are to cry have been released- Christ remains. 

I seek now to continue to keep my feet planted. I seek to have my heart fixed on the Lord. I seek to fight every instinct that wants to run away and have space. I remain seated. I remain here. 

I am letting my heart rest here. 

We are always running away, it seems. You, Me, Everyone. I would like to stop running away, and instead run to... Christ completely and entirely... without a single ounce of hesitation or restraint.

"I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you."