So Much

I have been avoiding the blog because I have had so much to say and not sure where to start. I find myself thinking about things to write here during the day, but then when it comes time to start writing it all out I've got nothing. I wish there were words to describe the way my heart has felt this entire past week. Since my last post, Ginger became a Harris, we celebrated together, we all went to the lake, and came back. It was a busy time. Not to mention the complete re-do of all the flowers.

While I trust the Lord completely, I know that I worry about the details and get consumed with thinking about them. Typically after I make it through the hardest stress, and most demanding emotional time I begin to see the ways I was lifted and carried through... I can see how all those details I tried to control and complete were divinely managed and executed... the gratitude for that perspective overshadows my memory of how stressed and controlling I actually was.

Friends. Last week was probably one of the most stressful weeks I can recall due to the nature of the circumstances. Flowers getting frozen were not built into the schedule. However, in the preparation of all the decorative touches, I had miraculously built in enough time for emergencies. I had accomplished everything I had needed to prep with Tex and Matt on Wednesday. I am thankful for that planning, and I continue to be thankful for the friendship those two men offered me on Wednesday evening.

What makes me cry however is the complete way in which they (Matty and Tex) loved me on Friday evening. In the midst of a full blown party at the house, which Mandy hosted, the boys spent hours with me in the garage and helped arrange 14 dozen assorted roses into what would become the centerpiece flowers for the following day. I had been completely composed the entire afternoon while processing the enormity of the situation, but when my car made it to the base of the driveway my heart starting racing, and the tears were making their way to the surface. I stood outside my car for a second and Matt met me there. He remarked how calm I had sounded on the phone earlier, and I stood there and felt the release begin. I filled his arms with flowers and we started unloading the car. The time was 9:30pm. I knew that the night would be long and busy. In the panic moments I was able to gather my thoughts together enough to think "Kari, change your clothes. Eat dinner. Breathe. Let them help you." Tex and Matt set up the garage to accommodate the mass size of the project.I wish I could write out every detail that meant something to me. I wish that I could have taken photo snapshots of specific facial expressions.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful. The reception looked gorgeous, and I was thrilled that so many enjoyed the work and thought that was put into the details. Matt, Mandy, and Tex were rock stars and I can only hope that they enjoyed themselves as we pulled it all together. I could not have done it without them. I have said that several times this week.

I think that is one of the most humbling lessons I have learned in this experience. Too often I rely on my own strength and abilities that I forget to let go, and let others contribute. I don't ask for help all that much, and when I receive help it is typically because someone has recognized the struggle and has offered their assistance. I don't know sometimes how to identify what I need in ways that separate what I have to do, with what others can do. I have found myself this week in situations that there were no other options... I could not do it on my own. I had to let go. Walking from my house on Friday night holding my bowl of soup up to the garage my eyes were filling with tears. The pressure and the emotion behind wanting Jen's day to be perfect was weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I stood on one of the steps and looked up at my friend who wanted nothing more then to ease the situation. The voices of good and evil were battling out in my mind, the one that wanted to surrender and submit to the help that was being given, and the other that wanted to be proud and removed. The growth in me, the changes in me, allowed the surrender to happen... and what I am usually too busy or too guarded to experience began to envelope me: I was loved. I was supported. I was cared for. I watched two friends remain solid and strong despite my emotional flightiness and I got to experience the truest, and purest love.

My challenge of self is to allow the part of my over independent, almost painfully assertive self to evolve into the person that was able to experience the friendship I did this weekend. I know that those friends are there always. I know that there are countless ways we should, could, need, want to change to be different and better. Standing outside my car on Saturday night watching Mandy, Tex, Matt, and Joel load my car with all of the things we were taking from the reception, the tears continued to flow. I had started crying the moment I walked out of the reception hall. I was so thankful for love, friendship, and for the day. The tears were that of joy and relief. My job was done. I had completed it with nothing less then excellence.

In my tears I thanked my friends. I don't remember much of what I said but I do recall something to the effect, "I have been everywhere this year, and thought many times of moving away. How could I build my life anywhere else? And I hate you for that...but I love you".

So much more to say... but I just had to start.