Glimpse of Me

“And I don’t know, this could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real until you let go completely.
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving,
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me.
And I don’t know,
I could crash and burn but maybe,
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.” -K.C.

A little bit ago I stopped writing the book. I have taken the words to a slower pace and have not spent the time watching them appear on the screen. I am taking a step back. I am taking a walk from it all. I am… I am hoping that I will return with a fresh perspective and some new thoughts. I spent a lot of time purging huge parts of my heart, and often felt there wasn’t enough time at hand to accomplish it all. Now, the words are slower. The thoughts are slower.

I know that I am a classic over-creative stimulated person, in that I take on many more projects at one time that I can actually accomplish, and in the wake of the ambition things get forgotten or left behind. The story I’ve been writing intentionally is not one of those. It is not one of those things that I will never get to. It’s just that the pages contain my heart, and I want to be sure that I am completely content and satisfied with the impression I make.

I’m waiting for all the thoughts I’ve been saving to start coming out, and I’m waiting for all the fears associated with being read and truly seen to be lifted. I am hoping most of all, that at the end of this road I might be able to catch a glimpse of the me I’ve been missing… a piece of me that I never knew before… perhaps the glimpse into the person I’m becoming. I wonder often that whom I’m seeking is already there, and the vision I think I might be met with isn’t going to be all that unfamiliar. I wonder if you already know that person. I wonder if the things that drive me crazy about myself, are the same things you to struggle to love. I wonder if that the glimpse of me will look a lot like your reflection.

Writing. A slower pace…I haven’t opened the document on my computer in a long time. Perhaps in the next few weeks I will find myself scrolling through what has already been written and I will find myself pecking away at the final pages. The end is so close. I am wrapping it all up. Draft one is almost done. And yet I sit unable to continue… according to practical thought I need to finish. To my emotional spirit, I’m just not ready, and I am ok with that.

Nothing Like A Rita and Girlfriends

I am waiting for the girls to get up. We were up until 2 am last night, just an hour shy of the chat fest Laura and I had the night before until 3 am. Today is our pack up and head back to the real world day... and my heart finds itself both excited to get home, and sad to be leaving this home. 

We swam. We laughed. We didn't cry. We talked about real things, hard things, meaningful things, dumb things... We asked questions and we gave answers. We have some great photo's that will remind us all of the great memories we made. 

I don't want to stay, and I don't want to live this specific time longer. I think the healthiest part about these five days away has been the peace found in the deciding if I should come out, knowing that my heart had gotten into a rhythm being home. I was excited about the options I had if I had stayed home instead of making the trip, and all that I would have been able to accomplish and do. However, I know that coming out was the not only the right decision, it was the perfect one. It has been clear the entire time that I was supposed to be part of the group, and that I needed to come so that I could walk away with what I am in my heart. And yet, despite all the goodness....all the laughter and hugs, I know that this snapshot of Heaven must commence and that life at home must return. I am thankful that I don't find my grip on these days to be that of pursuit of extension. It has been a simple acceptance that it has been a gift to be with these girls, and that is enough. 

I go home today after a mid morning field trip to Woodford Reserve to see how Kentucky Bourbon is made. I am really excited about that stop before getting back to Lexington, where we will have to empty the over stuffed car and distribute things into the correct vehicles. Hopefully I will be in my car for Virginia sometime around 2pm and then will make the very familiar drive through West Virginia to exit 50 on 64E in Virginia. 

The next few days are going to be intentional ones in getting organized and taking some trips to the local home improvement store to start planning out some changes. Mandy is leaving tomorrow for a weekend trip, so Gracie and I will have the weekend to ourselves on the home front. The forecast is calling for rain which makes me sad because I won't be able to lazily float in the river with my new handy dandy water raft. 

All in all its been an amazing gift of a weekend, we were mad at Fay for ruining our Destin plans, but we are all thankful to have the hook up at the Lake. It's been a mixture of sun, shopping, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, naps, late night talks, lots of hugs, and even more love. 

As I think of Julie and her married life, I am encouraged that she makes spending time with the girls a priority, it is a cue I hope to follow well. Regardless of how much I will love my spouse and family in the future, much like 'there's just nothing like a margarita', there is just nothing like spending time with a group of women that love Jesus and each other. 

Perfection.

Perfection.

Spending a girls weekend always provides giggles, relaxation, and great conversation. I will admit that I hesitated greatly in making this trip. On Wednesday night I checked the weather and was at a place where the idea of spending 14 hours in the car going to Florida in light of Fay, I was going to pass. I woke up on Thursday morning and made the decision in friendship to make my way to Kentucky despite the rain the five of us were going to experience in Florida.

Well into West Virginia I got the call from Julie saying that we weren't going to Florida, we were going to stay at the Lake instead. My heart soared. No five hours to Kentucky followed by 9 to Florida. We were going to enjoy the cottage, the lake, the fellowship, and the lack of rain. It was perfect. I was thrilled.

Floating in the pool, or in the lake today our thoughts and conversations went where they usually go with girls... to boys. To trying to figure them out. To describing what we are looking for in a boyfriend or spouse. To questioning Julie, the only married one of us about what life is like now that she is living the very adult life as a wife. It was fun to list off random things that really don't matter in the long run about the success of a relationship... to things of more substance like how we would like our partner in life to facilitate growth and encourage the pursuit of our dreams and aspirations.

When the conversation lulled out, and what was left was just quiet thoughts- I found perfection. Just thinking about nothing, thinking about the weather, thinking about life, thinking about the bigger picture... since Jen's wedding I have had much less to dominate my mind and stress level, and I was asked "Kari, now that this is done, what will you think about next?". As a natural over analytical person I didn't have a specific answer to this inquiry. Not to fear, something else always comes to the surface and today delightfully so, it was nothing of particular stress or strain. Just dreaming... letting my mind settle away from the controlling desire of having each and every next step planned out. To enjoy the ease of floating along the surface of the water, absorbing the sun's rays on my face, and allowing my heart to rest in enjoying the moment, the day, the girls, the conversation, the silence. 

So Much

I have been avoiding the blog because I have had so much to say and not sure where to start. I find myself thinking about things to write here during the day, but then when it comes time to start writing it all out I've got nothing. I wish there were words to describe the way my heart has felt this entire past week. Since my last post, Ginger became a Harris, we celebrated together, we all went to the lake, and came back. It was a busy time. Not to mention the complete re-do of all the flowers.

While I trust the Lord completely, I know that I worry about the details and get consumed with thinking about them. Typically after I make it through the hardest stress, and most demanding emotional time I begin to see the ways I was lifted and carried through... I can see how all those details I tried to control and complete were divinely managed and executed... the gratitude for that perspective overshadows my memory of how stressed and controlling I actually was.

Friends. Last week was probably one of the most stressful weeks I can recall due to the nature of the circumstances. Flowers getting frozen were not built into the schedule. However, in the preparation of all the decorative touches, I had miraculously built in enough time for emergencies. I had accomplished everything I had needed to prep with Tex and Matt on Wednesday. I am thankful for that planning, and I continue to be thankful for the friendship those two men offered me on Wednesday evening.

What makes me cry however is the complete way in which they (Matty and Tex) loved me on Friday evening. In the midst of a full blown party at the house, which Mandy hosted, the boys spent hours with me in the garage and helped arrange 14 dozen assorted roses into what would become the centerpiece flowers for the following day. I had been completely composed the entire afternoon while processing the enormity of the situation, but when my car made it to the base of the driveway my heart starting racing, and the tears were making their way to the surface. I stood outside my car for a second and Matt met me there. He remarked how calm I had sounded on the phone earlier, and I stood there and felt the release begin. I filled his arms with flowers and we started unloading the car. The time was 9:30pm. I knew that the night would be long and busy. In the panic moments I was able to gather my thoughts together enough to think "Kari, change your clothes. Eat dinner. Breathe. Let them help you." Tex and Matt set up the garage to accommodate the mass size of the project.I wish I could write out every detail that meant something to me. I wish that I could have taken photo snapshots of specific facial expressions.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful. The reception looked gorgeous, and I was thrilled that so many enjoyed the work and thought that was put into the details. Matt, Mandy, and Tex were rock stars and I can only hope that they enjoyed themselves as we pulled it all together. I could not have done it without them. I have said that several times this week.

I think that is one of the most humbling lessons I have learned in this experience. Too often I rely on my own strength and abilities that I forget to let go, and let others contribute. I don't ask for help all that much, and when I receive help it is typically because someone has recognized the struggle and has offered their assistance. I don't know sometimes how to identify what I need in ways that separate what I have to do, with what others can do. I have found myself this week in situations that there were no other options... I could not do it on my own. I had to let go. Walking from my house on Friday night holding my bowl of soup up to the garage my eyes were filling with tears. The pressure and the emotion behind wanting Jen's day to be perfect was weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I stood on one of the steps and looked up at my friend who wanted nothing more then to ease the situation. The voices of good and evil were battling out in my mind, the one that wanted to surrender and submit to the help that was being given, and the other that wanted to be proud and removed. The growth in me, the changes in me, allowed the surrender to happen... and what I am usually too busy or too guarded to experience began to envelope me: I was loved. I was supported. I was cared for. I watched two friends remain solid and strong despite my emotional flightiness and I got to experience the truest, and purest love.

My challenge of self is to allow the part of my over independent, almost painfully assertive self to evolve into the person that was able to experience the friendship I did this weekend. I know that those friends are there always. I know that there are countless ways we should, could, need, want to change to be different and better. Standing outside my car on Saturday night watching Mandy, Tex, Matt, and Joel load my car with all of the things we were taking from the reception, the tears continued to flow. I had started crying the moment I walked out of the reception hall. I was so thankful for love, friendship, and for the day. The tears were that of joy and relief. My job was done. I had completed it with nothing less then excellence.

In my tears I thanked my friends. I don't remember much of what I said but I do recall something to the effect, "I have been everywhere this year, and thought many times of moving away. How could I build my life anywhere else? And I hate you for that...but I love you".

So much more to say... but I just had to start.

Pick Me Up Love

"Pick me up, oh, from the bottom
Up to the top, love, everyday"

Monday evening I was beside myself with frustration and exasperation when my computer starting freaking out. I had struggled with feeling overwhelmed and under prepared for my responsibilities, and so after dinner with Katie and Mandy when I realized the computer would not work I unplugged it, grabbed my things and went to the boys house. My desire to was to get all the software updates, and hopefully resolve the freezing issue. When I walked in, I tried to collect my thoughts and started talking about my day and all that was on my mind. I was near tears in the kitchen rambling to Matt, and found that talking about it, actually made me feel better... no tears dropped. 

The following four hours were filled with restarts, reboots, reconsideration of my projects, and in the end: rejuvenation. The way I was loved by the boys at their house on Monday has continued to make such an impression on my heart in the days since then. I realize that I am scatterbrained, manic, and controlling. I know that my creative sense can work against me in times of pressure, and that I stress myself out more then necessary. I have a more difficult time when I am wound up like that to let people love me well, or if I am asked how someone can help I struggle with how to articulate what my actual needs are. 

In my mania, I had two of the best friends a girl could ask for take care of my needs. One listened to me and empathized with the pressures I was putting on myself. The other took control of my computer, and started coordinating using his in the event mine would not be resolved. Instead of talking down to me, they told me to breathe in deeply. Calm down. Watch the Olympics. Laugh. Relax. I left their house well past midnight still over stimulated from all my thoughts, but so grateful.

The next night instead of just calling, I had a visitor stop by the house to check in and see how I was doing. When I looked down the hallway to the front door to see who had come into the house, my heart piqued with gratitude for the thought behind the check in. I laughed, I talked about my day (including being subpoenaed...which is another story), and allowed someone to come in and help me along. Finally,  last night was the evening of "try to get it all done". Because of the work put in by my two personal cheerleaders this week I was able to enjoy today with Jen doing all the flower arrangements. 

I mention these anecdotes of schedule not simply to describe my day, or what Matty and Tex did for me this week. What matters more then the computer fixing, place card organizing, and ribbon cutting... has been the resonating feeling of complete love. We are all quick to judge our friends in time of stress and need, and we are easily frustrating by tones, insinuations, or sarcasm when we aren't in the mood to hear it. The things that rang truer to me, were the moments of Grace shared between the three of us last night when I requested some tweaks to a particular project that had long been completed earlier in the night. It was the banter when talking about things of little significance, to that of debate in regards to communicating truth through sarcasm with the "just kidding" disclaimer. In my day today of putting together 620 flowers into arrangements my mind often drifted to gratitude for my friends that worked with me past midnight last night. In the imperfection of human nature and friendship, it must be said that I was loved completely and entirely by two friends that offered different parts of themselves to the cause and contributed to the over all success of checking things off the to do list... 

What matters most is not the task. What matters most is how these two friends came right along side me, and picked me up. I fought being positive in moments, and I fought their general good mood, but they remained supportive, and willing. I will count experiencing their friendships in that capacity among the greater things I have enjoyed while preparing for Jen's wedding. I am ridiculously thankful for them both.

Tired. Stressed.

Sleeping... I wish it were more restful. Last night I had the strangest dreams, and when I woke up this morning I wished for nothing more then to snuggle back into bed for the remainder of the day. I had a great weekend though. Started off with dinner in Waynesboro with Jamie, that was such a blessing in conversation and vulnerability. I have always loved that kid, but seriously leaving what became a marathon conversation at dinner, I realized how the Lord provides the perfect people to open up a window into a perspective we were searching for at a specific time. I was deeply thankful for his friendship as I left to go home later that night. To my joy, Jessica came into town from Kentucky for a quick trip, and I love how we have seen each other more this year then any other. I really count her as one of my personal cheerleaders in life. She believes I can do anything... that faith is priceless. 

I saw my brother yesterday for a little bit, and the normalcy of having him hanging out in my house with my friends was a comfort. I was able to let go of all that is running me in circles, and enjoy my friends, my brother, and the evening. Those are small nuggets that I have been trying desperately not to take for granted.

I am tired though. Today I stood in the river staring out into the woods thinking of my ever expanding to do list. When asked what I was thinking about the first time, I told Mandy about the list that was forming in my brain. A few minutes later she asked me again, I responded with the same explanation of thought. My mind is wrapped up and around every last detail I have to accomplish this week for Jen's wedding. I am thrilled to playing such a creative part of the day for her, but my mind gets overwhelmed and I have to take a step back and remember to breathe in deeply. I tend to feel better when I have lists to work from. I am stressed out enough right now, that I am making lists to remember to write the longer list. 

I am battling over stimulation, exhaustion, emotionally draining situations, riding the highs and lows of feeling in control to not in control. I have been moody with those that add things for me to take care of that are not part of my current agenda. I don't want to talk to anyone I think may talk more about themselves before I am able to express part of my heart. That is so selfish of me, that I am ashamed to even admit that out loud. I was asked by a great friend today how they can love me better. How do you articulate that out loud when you want everyone to be mind readers? I think the biggest thing is prayer. That I would find joy in the tasks that I love doing, instead of feeling the pressure to be perfect in said tasks. 

So. Tired. Stressed. Joyful in the purpose... hoping that joy would envelope and wash over the part of me that is struggling to manage. 

Found

I have made some discoveries.

My capris and sunglasses have been found. In addition, the glasses I wear daily that have been lost for 8 days have been found. I just admitted I lost them yesterday. Couldn't handle the idea of silent judgement about them being lost. I also received my brand new ATM card yesterday in the mail, to replace the one I lost months ago. I still can't find my ring anywhere, and I think I draw more sadness from that loss then any of the other things my scatter brained mind can't keep tabs on.

Things are otherwise going well. I am at Nelson Street today, and the drama from the Robbery from 10 days ago continues as Clients ask periodically about how everyone is doing, and whether the culprit has been found yet. Life has been really busy in recent weeks, it seems as though once I decided to "dig in" my calender flew off the handle a little bit. I am helping Jen with her wedding next week, feeling the stress and JOY in that process. Theresa has signed a lease for a new place to live in the downtown area, so we are enjoying the last weeks of being roommates. I am thrilled for her transition, as I continue to have peace about her embarking a new ministry opportunity in town. I have the house floor and decorative changes planned out in my mind, and I'm excited about how the Lord will bless Theresa in her new place, and me in my solo living. I can't wait. It's amazing how despite the sadness of change, how the possibilities open up and lead to joy. My dad continues to transition into Lexington, and I'm thankful that my friends have loved him well.

I have found some semblance of a normal life in recent days. "Momma D", Joel's mother has left to return home this morning. We all had a little bit of anxiety having a house guest for what was going to be two weeks... its the middle of summer, we have two dogs, and three of us fill the house with our schedules and personalities. The blessings each of us received during her time while at the B&B 34 White Oak Lane, will continue. Love her. Loved the conversations we were able to have with her, and the way she loved us each well. Having just spent 10 days with her, I can see where Joel gets a lot of the great qualities he has. I am sad thinking about how she won't be hanging out at the house tonight- offering much of her heart in advice and perspective. This morning she left a thank you gift and note, and as I read it and its offering to visit in Ohio, I thought "I want to do that!!". It was a real special time for me at the house.

The river has turned into my home away from home, and has been placed in my heart among other special spots like 'my bench' at the pier, a particular favorite beach, coffee shop, and restaurant. I have said many prayers for a place I can go, think, write, dream, and just be for little nuggets of time that would be within 15 minutes of my house that would be of as much significance as beloved spots I have traveled to this past year. Last week was one that I found time in nearly every day to just spend a little bit of time on the rivers edge and enjoying the view. On Saturday, Mandy and I found a new favorite spot to swim, play, read, and giggle. I can't believe that this river discovery is new to me after five years. I used to drive the long way home from camp every so often just to have the windows and sun roof open and the wind blow through the car. I have sat at the pull off area every now and again, but never to the extent of the past few weeks.

My prayers are being answered. I can see the resolution, I can sense the changes in my heart. More important then the schedule I am trying to keep up with, I have a place to rest mind on the rivers edge, which is one of the greatest blessings of this summer. I am struggling with not sleeping well, and feeling restless through the night. I know that its just a reflection of what I continue to over analyze during the day, I wish to be able to release the manic and controlling thoughts in the evening hours, but perhaps that will come. One thing at a time.

I have found more then just random items that I couldn't keep track of. I am thankful. I am content. What a thought. Despite the desires of my heart, and dreams in my soul... I completely understand that this moment is where I am, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and that my God is with me- drawing me closer with every breathe I submit myself to His purpose.

To Run...

I am sure that I am not alone in the notion of running... and I am not referring to the athletic sport.  I am sure we are all united on the front that we run away from conflict, pain, discomfort, choices, people, and even times opportunities. We run in circles, we run marathons, we run with our eyes closed, and we run with our hands open. We are often running without a plan, just an innate desire to go in an opposite direction we are currently residing. 

Writing on the blog has always been a place where I can come, vent about whatever I think is important, whatever happens to be on my mind, and its just my place. I have worked hard at being vulnerable, and I have tried to peel back the callused layers of my heart to reveal the true me... the me I don't often show, and the me I'm continuing to grow, learn, and love. 

I have had many times that I have sought this place to rant and rave about a particular friendship, conversation, hurt, or dream. Sometimes what has rolled out of my heart onto the keys has been what I have wanted most to portray, while what I have desired to protect and guard continues to live far beneath the surface. When reflecting on my most favorite posts and things that I have written here, it is always because of the pure nakedness in which I articulated my heart and point of view. I have read them back to myself and I have found comfort in the words that I have down in front of me, and even though they are posted on the blog- I still feel as if they are letters to self that are my sources of encouragement that no one knows about.

My point is not to say that I am hiding, or that I'm not being real. I think anyone who reads this and knows me, can clearly see that I am writing what is authentically important to me, and that I do not create stories just to have something to discuss. While I continue to work through the feelings I have about life, and its purpose... I am working on breaking through the fear and being open that I'm still figuring some important things out.  I have recently had some challenges come to the surface of my heart, that have required me to completely surrender myself to the unknown and large abyss of possibility in Christ. 

I have wanted to run. I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to hear in voices of those I trust to tell me to go in the opposite direction I am moving, and instead have been met with inquisitive eyes, cautionary tales of support, but most of all- freedom. While I would love to detail the situations here, and the relationships that I am finding myself most hesitant about letting go of my control in... the people and particular aspects don't matter. They know who they are, and while I know that they cheat and read the blog before calling me up, and checking in on me, I know that I am loved by them. 

I am reminded often that the road I am on, I am not alone. I have been poured into the past couple of weeks with insight and truth that regardless of the future that none of us can predict, that relying on Christ now and completely will draw me closer to Him, and He will be there with me through it all. The dreams, the plans, the places to go... the people to love, the people to wait for, the people to let go of... after all the lines we are to say are said, and after all the tears we are to cry have been released- Christ remains. 

I seek now to continue to keep my feet planted. I seek to have my heart fixed on the Lord. I seek to fight every instinct that wants to run away and have space. I remain seated. I remain here. 

I am letting my heart rest here. 

We are always running away, it seems. You, Me, Everyone. I would like to stop running away, and instead run to... Christ completely and entirely... without a single ounce of hesitation or restraint.

"I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you."

AFTT&E

August First Two Thousand and Eight. 

1) I laughed for the 2nd night in a row watching "Wipeout". We played the highlights for Matty last night, and I just laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. I love laughing, and I love things that are funny. That show, isn't just funny, its hysterical- and the laughter comes from such a deep place its cathartic. 

2) My dad is officially in Virginia. My last family member has moved out of Connecticut, I no longer have a 'home base there'. I am really sad about that. I didn't think I would be sad about it, as I have not frequently visited the North in recent years... but I am sad. While joyful that now I don't have to drive 8 hours to see Stan the Man definitely eases the sadness. 

There is not a stop light between my dad's new place and my house...

3) I have talked to some great friends this week. I have had some amazing conversations that have left me feeling like their arms were wrapped around me in a hug of complete understanding, and been able to share in their stories of life and growth. I have laughed with them about the comedy of life, the ridiculous situations we find ourselves in, and I have been encouraged by their prayers. I am blessed by those who have pursued me like Christ, and have loved me better than I them.