Used To Be A Quitter

I used to be a quitter. I used to be a 'throw the towel in, cut your losses' kind of girl. When things started getting difficult in a friendship I would typically think "ok well that didn't work out". That was just how I was entering High School. I had an uncanny commitment to some people, but others I allowed to weave their ways in and out of my life depending on the complexity of the drama at hand. Part of this was due to the defense mode of knowing that once we hit troubled ground that the masks were off, and real character vulnerability was exposed. I don't know what it was about certain friendships during this time, but I really struggled with my desire to want to walk away. 

As I grew in my relationship with the Lord I saw a noticeable difference in my attitude regarding conflict in general, and how to forge the differences in friendships that struggled. I believed in forgiveness, and I was able to handle constructive confrontation well. All of these years later I consider myself someone that has fought hard for friendships that matter, and I am proud of the commitment I have established in loving the people in my life. I am not perfect, and I struggle with all sorts of things that are detrimental to being part of a two person relationship...but I am thankful that the friends that I have in my life right now are men and women that have been with me for years. It has been a process, but in time and growth I kind of snapped out of the 'quitting' mentality of friendship. 

I know that I have my own pace, and I know that when I am struggling with someone that I often get advice from peers telling me what to do- and I will rebuttal with "in time, not yet, no I don't think so" as my explanation for waiting. I have a sharp tongue, and can be mean, and I have tried hard to not talk myself into holes that I can't dig myself out of: so instead, sometimes I just wait. 

I mention all of this because a friendship I have held near and dear to my heart is broken. I have tried to fix it, and I have tried to communicate with my friend the ways I have been hurt by their behavior, and silence. I have prayed for healing, and I have prayed for a phone call. The healing has come with time and understanding that I've done the best I could. I have tried to understand what I could have done better, or reacted differently. Mostly, I have ignored how hurt I have been by this friend. I think I thought that if I didn't write about the hurt I have regarding the brokenness in our friendship it would mean it wasn't real. That somehow the struggle to move past and through the disappointments we both caused each other no longer needed to be discussed. 

Today as I moved from one place to the next, and ate my lunch my thoughts returned to this friend and the story of us. My IPOD went to a particular song on Shuffle that made me think more of this person, and I felt the reality of my continued hurt to linger on my heart today... I just couldn't shake it. 

I would like to visit you for awhile, get away and out of this city.

Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break.

We can go sit on your back porch and talk about anything, it don't matter.

It'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me.

'Cause I don't know you anymore, I don't recognize this place,

... we don't talk much anymore, 

We keep running from the pain- but what I wouldn't give to see your face again.

Can you believe what a year its been, are you still the same?

How do you redefine something that never really had a name?

The fact is, I miss this friend. It is a difficult reality to accept that we aren't talking, and haven't for almost three months. The fact they have no response to my extensions of communication have only perpetuated the disappointment and hurt I have already felt. I suppose its a loss in my life that I have not spoken of or shared with more then just a handful of friends because I still seek to protect and defend them in my life. I don't want people to judge their treatment of me then, or their continued punishment in not responding. 

I hesitate writing this here because I know that the door will be opened and questions will be raised about who I am talking about and what happened. I am not sure I have thought through what my explanation will be to those that dare to ask. What matters is not what I have said here, or what I will say later. The heart of the matter is that I have had more moments when I have wanted to pick up the phone and call them- but haven't because I know that I shouldn't. The truth is that what happened hurt me- and while the sting has turned into a numbing presence in my heart, I still miss them. I am hurt because their silence communicates to me, that they aren't hurting. I am writing this to get out some of the rambling thoughts and moments that have continued to live in my life since that day. I don't know what to do to make this right, perhaps I never will. I have hope. I will hope for their call and I will pray that the Lord gives me the right words. 

I used to be a quitter. My fear of commitment has turned itself into being choosy and delayed decision maker, and the thought that I will go for it with my all. This has translated itself into making choices regards to my future, jobs, where to go and what to do... but mostly in this moment it lives in the grip my heart has on a friendship that is gone... and despite the hurt that I have kept silent from so many- its real, and sometimes its raging with anger, and other times it weeps with sadness. I am hoping by writing this, and getting this out of my head, it will turn more into a peace then an ache.