My Love for You is Real

My friend Matt would be proud of the fact I am referring to a Ryan Adams song in this blog entry. He loves Ryan Adams, he is obsessed, and if he could be a rock star I think he would choose to be Ryan. Recently I was watching a Season Finale of a show I have enjoyed this year and they featured the song "My Love For You Is Real" in the ending scenes. Being a visual person, tying the eye with the ear in a song has always been a very strong association for me. Since watching the show, I have been a little obsessed with the song.

In the state of unknown (still have not heard back about the job), there have been a lot of moments I have wanted to act out and be ridiculous. I got a compliment yesterday from a friend commenting on the lack of acting out, and how they noticed. I was glad they noticed, but I was also glad because I had been trying to let go. One phone call is really all that I am waiting for, and my phone just won't ring... it is obnoxious. 

I had a moment with my pastor yesterday, he did not know that we were sharing this moment, but it was divine and the Lord really spoke to me through the sermon.  

-After we have exhausted all of our other resources and courses of action, then we pray. We are slow to acknowledge weakness and sin, but that is the real battle of the heart- and that is the war that we are losing.

-Sharing our concerns, our failings, and weaknesses with others allows the community to come together and pray. Why can't we open up and be vulnerable in such a capacity?

-Control. We never had it to start with, why do we let the lack there of drive us crazy?

We then went into singing "Lord Have Mercy", and in that worship song lives so much of where I am right now, "With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom... I have built an altar where I worship things of man...I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from you."

I am trying to trust His plan, but I know that I have doubt and I can't move past the pressure having that doubt puts on my heart. I have been trying to listen to my heart and wait for the Lord's calling, but I know that my flesh gravitates for earthly wisdom and hope. I have put too much care into things of man, and I have tried to skirt would the Lord could be doing in my life by running away.

I know that my love for the Lord is real. I know it because I depend on it, I pray for it to grow, I have watched it change and mature through the years, and I know in my heart that I would sacrifice anything for it. I know that His love for me is real because I have the gospels to articulate all that He has done for me. I know it is real because my changed life and heart could not have been molded with any other hand. I sense his love in the sunsets, and I feel it in the warmth of a friends touch. I have run, and I have traveled far and wide this past year and I have seen his love in the lives of those that have embraced me, and in the quiet moments on my own, I have seen his love in the courage to continue moving forward. 

So while I am impatient, have doubt, and obsess over things that I can't control I know in my heart that the Lord is molding me through this time, and that in stretching far out of my comfort zone and that has been scary I have also seen very tangibly how His love for me is real, and eternal and how my response to that can only be love, faith, and trust... there should be no room for doubt. 

My love for you is real
It moves like a summer breeze
My love for you is strong
Lord it brings me to my knees

My love for you is long
Across the oceans all the same
My love for you is true