I Just Don't Know

I am sure I am becoming a very frustrating person to be around. I am sure of it. I know that for myself, I am tired of hanging out with myself. I have ran out of ideas, I think I have thought every possible answer to what my grand next step in life should be, and I am dry. I have no more crazy suggestions, I have no more dreams to flesh out in conversation. I can sense that those who have heard these random trains of thought are tired of hearing them by the eye rolls and exasperated sighs when I talk about the ideas.

I had my third interview with the job I am most interested in. It was a lengthily morning with them, and I left not feeling very much in control or certain about which way it was going to go. They said they'd have a decision by end of business day or Monday. Obviously hearing the decision yesterday would have been absolutely ideal, but the Lord wanted to continue to teach me patience. 

To distract myself from all the job uncertainty I was able to help out in the Snack Bar for the past two days with Tex. Somehow he managed the register, and I ran the entire counter service on my own. It was ridiculous. It was busy. It was an adventure. In the in-between times I went a little crazy in wanting to clean out candy containers, or made lists to pass on to the kitchen. The Snack Bar was never my favorite aspect of my job at camp, but spending the time in there the past two days it was affirming that I could still know how to do something and that I could still balance so many things at one time.

Last night was not a productive round of sleep even though I went to bed so tired. I dreamt of things that were emotional and while I can't remember the circumstances exactly I do remember one conversation in the dream that had the sense of realism that is enough to shake you a little bit when waking. I think that my time in bed over night has surely impacted my time awake today, and its a mood I am having a hard time shaking. I decided to drive up to Staunton/Waynesboro to do some errands and grab coffee. Before getting off my exit I thought about just driving until I got to the ocean so I could sit and stare at it, it would have taken five or so hours to accomplish that and if not for the Bowling Extravaganza night out that I coordinated for this evening I may have continued on 64 East without a second thought. 

The pressure I feel in regards to employment I know is my own. It is not from my family, parental expectation, or peer group. I am seeking the impossible, that in one decision the next several years will be planned out and even predictable. That is so absolutely ridiculous, and I'm ashamed that I think its even possible. I have been juggling a lot of potential directions as I've opened my heart to moving away, and I think in doing that I have also added a tremendous amount of pressure in trying to make the right decision, that I have neglected the reality of a wrong decision still would be ok...the world would not end. I can change my mind. 

I am trying to let go. I am trying to listen to those that are telling me to stop thinking about it. I am trying to enjoy this time because I know that I will miss it when it's gone. It's just where I am right now.