Commitment

It's been awhile and I realize that I never wrote about accepting the position! I went away for Easter weekend and at the lunch stop grabbed my phone real quick to place the call before I chickened out. I had hoped by having a long weekend to continue to ponder and pray that I would be flooded with an astounding peace. Every major decision in my life to date has had its challenges, but I have always known deep down the way to go, and even when kicking and screaming the afterglow of peace and contentment is quick to pass over. I wasn't feeling any peace, and I wasn't feeling any contentment leaving for Easter weekend in Indianapolis, and as I traveled with Tex and Gracie to their destination of No. Kentucky where I would be leaving them for the weekend I felt more and more conflict.

All of those dreams, all of those plans, all of those thoughts that I have had about my future and my life in the past 8 months were coming to a crossroads. Which way was I going to go? I sought employment in Lexington, and I sought employment elsewhere. The job I got was the only one I interviewed for, and I got it. I wondered if I hung out a little more what else would come my way. I know that it was foolish of me to assume I could predict more offers and opportunities, and I also know that the Lord was trying to bless me with giving me the one job I was supposed to take. I just needed to let go of my plan, my vision, and fully accept His, the one that I was praying desperately to see. In the process I know that I was focused on what I thought to do, and what I felt my heart inching at... that sometimes I simply forgot to just be still in the moment with Jesus. It was easy to talk a million miles a minute about what I could do, and every random dream that I could live out... but it was much harder to silence the radio, the internal monologue, and the input of friends who loved me. 

I have been mocked recently (in a lovingly joking way) about my issues with commitment. I have spent a lot of time with the Lord recently about this, and I am working towards wanting to not be someone who has such issues. Now, my issues are not that I run from it, or that I avoid it. My issues are that I'm sometimes way more over analytical about choices that I make, and sometimes don't realize I can change my mind later. I am fearful of making the wrong decision that sometimes I get stunted in the process. Coupling this with the idea that I am loyal and desire to be in solid situations makes for a very interesting point of view. I know that in choosing the job, accepting the fantastic offer that I would be giving it my everything, and the fear that it was the wrong thing to give my everything too was real. Friends would encourage me to consider that I could quit, that I could try my hardest and it'd be OK if it didn't work out. I'm just not a quitter anymore. 

I want to ease through situations and points of view, and I want to be fluid. I want to be brave and bold and do things that I wouldn't normally allow. I have wanted to spend time alone and travel, and become anonymous in a crowd of strangers. I have wanted time. I have wanted more of it, and sometimes I have wanted less of it. I want to be less afraid of making a mistake, and I want to be able to embrace what I could become if I let go of wanting to control every action and reaction. 

So, I took the job. It's time to unpack the ever full suitcases, put on some heels and head to work every morning. I took the job because it was more then I asked for, and I know that the Lord is going to use me in the facility of the secular business world. I took the job because it meant I can stay in Lexington, Virginia for awhile longer... and even though I have escaped the mountains and sought every place else I know that my heart lives there, I know that the people who have carried me with love and prayers through this entire journey are there... and I'm just not afraid of making the wrong choice in a job if it means I can make the right choice to stay with people I love. I love them all, I love them all for different reasons, and in different ways... I have missed them more then I care to acknowledge, and I have seen more and thought more then I'll ever be able to articulate. Sometimes the struggle in traveling has been how the experience and point of views live where I was, and not at home. It is my prayer that I have grown and been challenged by the times elsewhere, and the Lord in ways that could not have happened during any other opportunity. I suppose we can get glimpses into ourselves in snippets, but the true test of growth and maturity often comes in our witness...and well friends, I hope that I've made you proud. I'm staying.