The Only Road North

A friend of mine told me to read the book, "The Only Road North" by Erik Mirandette. To explain the general premise of the book I will take the summary from the back cover: 

"A young man's remarkable, true journey through thirteen African countries with his brother and two best friends. Erik Mirandette was completing  a two year-stint with a humanitarian organization in Morocco when, continuing his quest to live the life he was created to life, he set off on an unforgettable pilgrimage. Beginning in Cape Town, Erik, his brother, and his two best friends traveled 9,000 miles north by dirt bike, experiencing the poverty, beauty, and dangers of the African continent.

Then in Cairo, having safely reached the end of their perilous journey a terrorist's bomb ripped Erik's world and faith apart. The four travelers were now desperately wounded and on the brink of death."

I read the book in a day or two and loved it. The journey is nothing I can relate too, I mean, my travel experience has been plush compared to camping out in the African bush and riding a dirt bike for four months. The tragedy that impacted these young men on the end of the journey is scary, and I have thought about how I would react in such a situation. Faced with his own tremendous injuries and loss Erik writes:

"The most horrible and terrifying thing that I can imagine isn't that I would put all that I am on the line for a cause I believe in and be called on it. The most horrible and terrifying thing is the thought that I could spent my whole existence minimizing the risks I take, living ignorantly convinced of my safety, rejecting the purpose that I was created for, and then someday wake up an old man and see that my life has passed before me, and now with death knocking on my door realize that in all my years I have never truly lived."

While sitting in a comfortable chair reading that paragraph with only a page left in the book I was struck by how much I felt that same way. I fear making the wrong choices all the time, but most of all- I fear that I won't take enough chances, I won't take enough jumps, that I will hold on too tightly to my perceived notion of control and never allow the purpose of what I was created for take center stage. 

As I round out this time of discovery, and as I have been more reflective on what it all meant, how leaving camp was a difficult and trying decision, and how waking up that first morning with no where to be, no one to work for... I am thankful that if I left this earth tomorrow that I will know that I took the only road north, it wasn't easy, and it was full of its own hills... it may not have been Africa, but it was my journey and I have truly lived during this time. 

Read the book... its a good one. 

Commitment

It's been awhile and I realize that I never wrote about accepting the position! I went away for Easter weekend and at the lunch stop grabbed my phone real quick to place the call before I chickened out. I had hoped by having a long weekend to continue to ponder and pray that I would be flooded with an astounding peace. Every major decision in my life to date has had its challenges, but I have always known deep down the way to go, and even when kicking and screaming the afterglow of peace and contentment is quick to pass over. I wasn't feeling any peace, and I wasn't feeling any contentment leaving for Easter weekend in Indianapolis, and as I traveled with Tex and Gracie to their destination of No. Kentucky where I would be leaving them for the weekend I felt more and more conflict.

All of those dreams, all of those plans, all of those thoughts that I have had about my future and my life in the past 8 months were coming to a crossroads. Which way was I going to go? I sought employment in Lexington, and I sought employment elsewhere. The job I got was the only one I interviewed for, and I got it. I wondered if I hung out a little more what else would come my way. I know that it was foolish of me to assume I could predict more offers and opportunities, and I also know that the Lord was trying to bless me with giving me the one job I was supposed to take. I just needed to let go of my plan, my vision, and fully accept His, the one that I was praying desperately to see. In the process I know that I was focused on what I thought to do, and what I felt my heart inching at... that sometimes I simply forgot to just be still in the moment with Jesus. It was easy to talk a million miles a minute about what I could do, and every random dream that I could live out... but it was much harder to silence the radio, the internal monologue, and the input of friends who loved me. 

I have been mocked recently (in a lovingly joking way) about my issues with commitment. I have spent a lot of time with the Lord recently about this, and I am working towards wanting to not be someone who has such issues. Now, my issues are not that I run from it, or that I avoid it. My issues are that I'm sometimes way more over analytical about choices that I make, and sometimes don't realize I can change my mind later. I am fearful of making the wrong decision that sometimes I get stunted in the process. Coupling this with the idea that I am loyal and desire to be in solid situations makes for a very interesting point of view. I know that in choosing the job, accepting the fantastic offer that I would be giving it my everything, and the fear that it was the wrong thing to give my everything too was real. Friends would encourage me to consider that I could quit, that I could try my hardest and it'd be OK if it didn't work out. I'm just not a quitter anymore. 

I want to ease through situations and points of view, and I want to be fluid. I want to be brave and bold and do things that I wouldn't normally allow. I have wanted to spend time alone and travel, and become anonymous in a crowd of strangers. I have wanted time. I have wanted more of it, and sometimes I have wanted less of it. I want to be less afraid of making a mistake, and I want to be able to embrace what I could become if I let go of wanting to control every action and reaction. 

So, I took the job. It's time to unpack the ever full suitcases, put on some heels and head to work every morning. I took the job because it was more then I asked for, and I know that the Lord is going to use me in the facility of the secular business world. I took the job because it meant I can stay in Lexington, Virginia for awhile longer... and even though I have escaped the mountains and sought every place else I know that my heart lives there, I know that the people who have carried me with love and prayers through this entire journey are there... and I'm just not afraid of making the wrong choice in a job if it means I can make the right choice to stay with people I love. I love them all, I love them all for different reasons, and in different ways... I have missed them more then I care to acknowledge, and I have seen more and thought more then I'll ever be able to articulate. Sometimes the struggle in traveling has been how the experience and point of views live where I was, and not at home. It is my prayer that I have grown and been challenged by the times elsewhere, and the Lord in ways that could not have happened during any other opportunity. I suppose we can get glimpses into ourselves in snippets, but the true test of growth and maturity often comes in our witness...and well friends, I hope that I've made you proud. I'm staying.

Used To Be A Quitter

I used to be a quitter. I used to be a 'throw the towel in, cut your losses' kind of girl. When things started getting difficult in a friendship I would typically think "ok well that didn't work out". That was just how I was entering High School. I had an uncanny commitment to some people, but others I allowed to weave their ways in and out of my life depending on the complexity of the drama at hand. Part of this was due to the defense mode of knowing that once we hit troubled ground that the masks were off, and real character vulnerability was exposed. I don't know what it was about certain friendships during this time, but I really struggled with my desire to want to walk away. 

As I grew in my relationship with the Lord I saw a noticeable difference in my attitude regarding conflict in general, and how to forge the differences in friendships that struggled. I believed in forgiveness, and I was able to handle constructive confrontation well. All of these years later I consider myself someone that has fought hard for friendships that matter, and I am proud of the commitment I have established in loving the people in my life. I am not perfect, and I struggle with all sorts of things that are detrimental to being part of a two person relationship...but I am thankful that the friends that I have in my life right now are men and women that have been with me for years. It has been a process, but in time and growth I kind of snapped out of the 'quitting' mentality of friendship. 

I know that I have my own pace, and I know that when I am struggling with someone that I often get advice from peers telling me what to do- and I will rebuttal with "in time, not yet, no I don't think so" as my explanation for waiting. I have a sharp tongue, and can be mean, and I have tried hard to not talk myself into holes that I can't dig myself out of: so instead, sometimes I just wait. 

I mention all of this because a friendship I have held near and dear to my heart is broken. I have tried to fix it, and I have tried to communicate with my friend the ways I have been hurt by their behavior, and silence. I have prayed for healing, and I have prayed for a phone call. The healing has come with time and understanding that I've done the best I could. I have tried to understand what I could have done better, or reacted differently. Mostly, I have ignored how hurt I have been by this friend. I think I thought that if I didn't write about the hurt I have regarding the brokenness in our friendship it would mean it wasn't real. That somehow the struggle to move past and through the disappointments we both caused each other no longer needed to be discussed. 

Today as I moved from one place to the next, and ate my lunch my thoughts returned to this friend and the story of us. My IPOD went to a particular song on Shuffle that made me think more of this person, and I felt the reality of my continued hurt to linger on my heart today... I just couldn't shake it. 

I would like to visit you for awhile, get away and out of this city.

Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break.

We can go sit on your back porch and talk about anything, it don't matter.

It'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me.

'Cause I don't know you anymore, I don't recognize this place,

... we don't talk much anymore, 

We keep running from the pain- but what I wouldn't give to see your face again.

Can you believe what a year its been, are you still the same?

How do you redefine something that never really had a name?

The fact is, I miss this friend. It is a difficult reality to accept that we aren't talking, and haven't for almost three months. The fact they have no response to my extensions of communication have only perpetuated the disappointment and hurt I have already felt. I suppose its a loss in my life that I have not spoken of or shared with more then just a handful of friends because I still seek to protect and defend them in my life. I don't want people to judge their treatment of me then, or their continued punishment in not responding. 

I hesitate writing this here because I know that the door will be opened and questions will be raised about who I am talking about and what happened. I am not sure I have thought through what my explanation will be to those that dare to ask. What matters is not what I have said here, or what I will say later. The heart of the matter is that I have had more moments when I have wanted to pick up the phone and call them- but haven't because I know that I shouldn't. The truth is that what happened hurt me- and while the sting has turned into a numbing presence in my heart, I still miss them. I am hurt because their silence communicates to me, that they aren't hurting. I am writing this to get out some of the rambling thoughts and moments that have continued to live in my life since that day. I don't know what to do to make this right, perhaps I never will. I have hope. I will hope for their call and I will pray that the Lord gives me the right words. 

I used to be a quitter. My fear of commitment has turned itself into being choosy and delayed decision maker, and the thought that I will go for it with my all. This has translated itself into making choices regards to my future, jobs, where to go and what to do... but mostly in this moment it lives in the grip my heart has on a friendship that is gone... and despite the hurt that I have kept silent from so many- its real, and sometimes its raging with anger, and other times it weeps with sadness. I am hoping by writing this, and getting this out of my head, it will turn more into a peace then an ache. 

Dr. Seuss Wisdom

Today I read, "Oh The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. I think the last time I read this book was when I was in elementary school, and I didn't remember much of it from reading it as a child. 

In light of all the transitions in my life over the past 8 months and all of the adventures, this book would have been apropos to read embarking on all of them last summer. However, the timing was absolutely perfect and reading it today I was able to be reflect on this journey that is winding down and the one I am about to begin, my new job. 

Not able to keep Dr. Seuss to myself I am including key pages in the book below so that perhaps it can stir some thoughts about your own life as you read:

1) You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... Somehow you''ll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.

2) All Alone! Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 

3) And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.) 

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

A Different Offer

So, I heard back last night about the job. It wasn't what I was expecting, and it wasn't anything I had planned, but it is a fantastic offer. Without going into detail about what the position is, or the potential growth associated I am left to consider what could be a very good path.

As the buzz of the possibilities played off in energy this evening I sensed my thoughts returning to where I see myself going and what I want to do. I came home and was excited about the opportunity presented, and have felt tremendously loved by friends who have followed up and called me in the past week to see how I'm doing and what is happening. I honestly have to say that the extension of friendship from Indiana, Kentucky (times two), North Carolina, and Ohio has blown me away. I have felt carried in prayer and I have felt supported in absolute love. In the search for dreams and paths I know that I have exhausted myself and others around me and I have often times been at a loss at what the point has been of it all. 

But today I sat and I listened to someone try to convince me to trust them and the opportunity that they were offering. I listened to them speak passionately about a company that they love, and I listened to them remark at the ways they felt I would soar with them. It was more then an ego boost, it was enough to push me closer to capturing what I have been waiting for... something bigger then just a job... a possibility bigger then just a pay check... a new direction, new growth, and change.

To accept the position I know means letting go of this time in my life. I think as the night continued that was the truth that was resonating on my heart the most. The glitter and glam from being wanted and pursued by the job had faded and the reality that my life would once again return to established employment and responsibility. I have known that I was ready for it, and that the time was coming... but tonight as I watched American Idol I felt my heart sink with the knowledge that my time would be dedicated to something established, something responsible and my gallivanting was going to be constricted to vacation days and holidays. 

The Lord answered my prayers in a huge way. The Lord answered all your prayers for me in a divine and meticulously planned experience of submission and trust. I am thankful for the highs and lows, and I am thankful for the stretching and growth that I have done in the process. 

I wouldn't change this year for anything. I have gone back and forth recently on what would be worth leaving this path behind and there are things that top the list... but truth is I know that the person I have worked towards becoming, and the ways I have pursued Christ to reflect Him more have come from all the experiences since July of 2007. I have photos, postcards, and letters to self that remind me of what I've seen and thought. 

It's a different offer. It's a better offer. It better suits me and my future. But it still means that its time to let go of where I am, and tonight thinking about that when I quieted down from the excitement... it just hurt. 

My Love for You is Real

My friend Matt would be proud of the fact I am referring to a Ryan Adams song in this blog entry. He loves Ryan Adams, he is obsessed, and if he could be a rock star I think he would choose to be Ryan. Recently I was watching a Season Finale of a show I have enjoyed this year and they featured the song "My Love For You Is Real" in the ending scenes. Being a visual person, tying the eye with the ear in a song has always been a very strong association for me. Since watching the show, I have been a little obsessed with the song.

In the state of unknown (still have not heard back about the job), there have been a lot of moments I have wanted to act out and be ridiculous. I got a compliment yesterday from a friend commenting on the lack of acting out, and how they noticed. I was glad they noticed, but I was also glad because I had been trying to let go. One phone call is really all that I am waiting for, and my phone just won't ring... it is obnoxious. 

I had a moment with my pastor yesterday, he did not know that we were sharing this moment, but it was divine and the Lord really spoke to me through the sermon.  

-After we have exhausted all of our other resources and courses of action, then we pray. We are slow to acknowledge weakness and sin, but that is the real battle of the heart- and that is the war that we are losing.

-Sharing our concerns, our failings, and weaknesses with others allows the community to come together and pray. Why can't we open up and be vulnerable in such a capacity?

-Control. We never had it to start with, why do we let the lack there of drive us crazy?

We then went into singing "Lord Have Mercy", and in that worship song lives so much of where I am right now, "With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom... I have built an altar where I worship things of man...I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from you."

I am trying to trust His plan, but I know that I have doubt and I can't move past the pressure having that doubt puts on my heart. I have been trying to listen to my heart and wait for the Lord's calling, but I know that my flesh gravitates for earthly wisdom and hope. I have put too much care into things of man, and I have tried to skirt would the Lord could be doing in my life by running away.

I know that my love for the Lord is real. I know it because I depend on it, I pray for it to grow, I have watched it change and mature through the years, and I know in my heart that I would sacrifice anything for it. I know that His love for me is real because I have the gospels to articulate all that He has done for me. I know it is real because my changed life and heart could not have been molded with any other hand. I sense his love in the sunsets, and I feel it in the warmth of a friends touch. I have run, and I have traveled far and wide this past year and I have seen his love in the lives of those that have embraced me, and in the quiet moments on my own, I have seen his love in the courage to continue moving forward. 

So while I am impatient, have doubt, and obsess over things that I can't control I know in my heart that the Lord is molding me through this time, and that in stretching far out of my comfort zone and that has been scary I have also seen very tangibly how His love for me is real, and eternal and how my response to that can only be love, faith, and trust... there should be no room for doubt. 

My love for you is real
It moves like a summer breeze
My love for you is strong
Lord it brings me to my knees

My love for you is long
Across the oceans all the same
My love for you is true

I Just Don't Know

I am sure I am becoming a very frustrating person to be around. I am sure of it. I know that for myself, I am tired of hanging out with myself. I have ran out of ideas, I think I have thought every possible answer to what my grand next step in life should be, and I am dry. I have no more crazy suggestions, I have no more dreams to flesh out in conversation. I can sense that those who have heard these random trains of thought are tired of hearing them by the eye rolls and exasperated sighs when I talk about the ideas.

I had my third interview with the job I am most interested in. It was a lengthily morning with them, and I left not feeling very much in control or certain about which way it was going to go. They said they'd have a decision by end of business day or Monday. Obviously hearing the decision yesterday would have been absolutely ideal, but the Lord wanted to continue to teach me patience. 

To distract myself from all the job uncertainty I was able to help out in the Snack Bar for the past two days with Tex. Somehow he managed the register, and I ran the entire counter service on my own. It was ridiculous. It was busy. It was an adventure. In the in-between times I went a little crazy in wanting to clean out candy containers, or made lists to pass on to the kitchen. The Snack Bar was never my favorite aspect of my job at camp, but spending the time in there the past two days it was affirming that I could still know how to do something and that I could still balance so many things at one time.

Last night was not a productive round of sleep even though I went to bed so tired. I dreamt of things that were emotional and while I can't remember the circumstances exactly I do remember one conversation in the dream that had the sense of realism that is enough to shake you a little bit when waking. I think that my time in bed over night has surely impacted my time awake today, and its a mood I am having a hard time shaking. I decided to drive up to Staunton/Waynesboro to do some errands and grab coffee. Before getting off my exit I thought about just driving until I got to the ocean so I could sit and stare at it, it would have taken five or so hours to accomplish that and if not for the Bowling Extravaganza night out that I coordinated for this evening I may have continued on 64 East without a second thought. 

The pressure I feel in regards to employment I know is my own. It is not from my family, parental expectation, or peer group. I am seeking the impossible, that in one decision the next several years will be planned out and even predictable. That is so absolutely ridiculous, and I'm ashamed that I think its even possible. I have been juggling a lot of potential directions as I've opened my heart to moving away, and I think in doing that I have also added a tremendous amount of pressure in trying to make the right decision, that I have neglected the reality of a wrong decision still would be ok...the world would not end. I can change my mind. 

I am trying to let go. I am trying to listen to those that are telling me to stop thinking about it. I am trying to enjoy this time because I know that I will miss it when it's gone. It's just where I am right now. 

Road Trip to The Gap

Anyone who has known me for awhile at this point clearly understands that I love and desire to live in Asheville, North Carolina at some point in my life. This desire only intensified during the past 48 hours I spent there visiting Chris and Caroline with Katie, and Matty. For the past two years I have speckled visits down to visit these beloved friends, and each time I leave with this permeating feeling in my heart that says "Kari, just do it". It doesn't help that I get periodic encouragement and accountability to this idea from the McGlades themselves! I went into the weekend thinking very much about the state of sensitivity in my heart in regards to my location. I knew that I would love it there and want to live there. I did not expect Matt talk about moving there as well, but hey if I could relocate all my BFF's that'd be great in the process. 

While there are many things that I am thankful for during my four year run on Young Life staff, I am most thankful for the relationships that have formed through the ministry and those friendships that have sustained themselves outside of working at camps now that I am no longer on staff. Caroline and I first met as Retail Managers, and I drew such encouragement in having someone to share the highs and lows of the job with, that it didn't take long for a friendship to grow outside of t-shirt colors and gift shows. The friendship that I have formed with both her and her husband Chris has been a bright light among the many people I have come in contact in the past few years, and I treasure them deeply. Enjoying them on my own is also a treat, but this weekend having Matt and Katie also there for the road trip was such an added bonus. Our friendships are all different with each other, but we collectively laughed, ate delicious food, and maintained a very similar rhythm of fun. I enjoyed them tremendously. We had such a great time that upon arriving back in VA, the three of us coordinated a game night to continue the fun!

During this time of travel in the past 8 months (I can't believe that, but seriously) I have not spent much time investing in all of my friendships equally. I have taken for granted the ease and comfort in some that had become second nature. Spending time with Matt this past weekend was one of the parts I knew was going to be important. Our friendship has changed so much over the years, but the toll of distraction and schedules had really made our friendship routine. This weekend during story sharing, and laughing I could only thank the Lord that somehow we had allowed each other to grow up and beyond what we were used too... and I was thankful. So tonight when I was updating the girls on all things fun of the weekend, I was honest and said that one of the best parts was the friendship from Virginia that got to spend some quality face time in a town we sincerely love in North Carolina. 

Quotes from The Screen Door

We went to The Screen Door today, an antique/art mall and there was a woman who painted quotes on boards, and they were beyond the "Live, Love, Laugh" signs. I wanted to buy everyone of them that I loved, but instead took photos so I could remember the sayings. Here are the best of the best:

~ Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. 

~Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, not knowing what's going to happen next, delicious ambiguity...

~That's the way it is with dreams, they scratch at the door. You see them through the peep hole. A stray dream looking for a home. You think it might go away if you ignore it. Wrong, its still there when you open the door, smiling, wagging its tail. 

~Within your heart keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go, and sheltered so they may thrive and grow- where doubt and fear are not. Oh keep a place within your heart for little dreams to go. 

~She's turning her life into something sacred. Each breath a new birth. Each moment, a new change. She bows her head, gathers her dreams for a pure deep stream and stretches her arms towards the sky. 

~Live with intention.  Walk to the edge. listen hard. Practice wellness. Place with abandon. laugh. Choose with no regret continue to learn appreciate your friends. Do what you love, love as if this is all there is. 

~We are all travelers in the wilderness of this this world and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend. 

To Knowing...

This week has been insane. I got back from my 48 hour stint on Kentucky, and right back into the social scheme and network of my life here in Lexington. I was really inspired by my time in KY to continue to pray about pursuing my entrepreneurial desires of having my own shop, 'k.boo'. I came home at a loss about the movement that I was sensing in my heart, and I could start to feel one hand reaching out for what was next in my life, and the other grasping at the walls to hold onto what I have now. 

I had an interview yesterday in the local area, and I left feeling like if they could hire me on the spot, that they would have. I have been praying and praying for exactly what the Lord has in store for me for my professional aspirations, and so much of that has been tied into the idea of staying in Virginia. I have however began to experience my heart begin to be truly open to relocating, but when I received the call about interview my first reaction was frustration when for weeks I had pursued being here, NOW when I'm open to going- I get an opportunity to STAY? Of course when we say yes in a true real profound capacity we are met there by the opportunities we couldn't see before, and we are taken down a path we couldn't have found on our own. What do you do when the opportunities that took us longer to reach vulnerability seem to be more attractive? Is that an illusion? How do we respond to the opportunity presented before us that we had been praying for the entire time? 

I got a call back for a second interview, and this time with a position that I would very seriously consider and be interested in. The past two serious professional jobs I had both lasted 3 and 4 years. I think while I am flighty and a gypsy, when it comes to employment I have the sense to be serious, to let the growth opportunity to happen, and to really invest my whole heart into the capacity in which I fill. I know that if given the offer to stay in Lex Vegas, Va I would sincerely want it... but I'm not quite sure if that is what I need. 

I'd like to say that I portray Grace under Pressure during this time, or that I'm completely composed and put together. I say that I would like to portray those things only because I think that would be the ideal. And yet, I have been a locked up box of insight, internal debate, inspiration, panic, and prayer. I have amazing friends who range from being local, to those in distance, who have supported me with prayer. I know that the Lord is listening, and I know that I draw comfort from knowing that the village that surrounds my heart in love seek my happiness and purpose more then they want to become a stumbling block in my journey. 

When the facade strips away, and the cavalier way in which I have addressed my future begins to fall.... the absolute fear is revealed. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I hesitate sharing the options only because they are so varied, insane and manic that I think I'd drive everyone crazy. I have held in the openness to moving away because I was afraid of the way it'd make my friends feel, and I just wasn't ready to say it out loud. I have also learned that complete exhaustion, emotional stimulation, and margaritas don't mix!

I am learning that the part of me that is struggling, is the part of me that most reflects my complete reliance on Christ, and portraying any version beyond that isn't authentic. It has been suggested that showing not having it all together is a better articulation of who I am, and its a more worthwhile view. I agree with the suggestion. The fear that comes in light of panic and insecurity is more then what others will say and their opinions. It is the sheer nakedness and vulnerability, wanting to be comforted by more then the heart of Christ, but the desire to be embraced by those I love. We can't have the embrace if we don't take away all that distracts from the truth. I am becoming more aware of the simple challenging truth of that statement. 

It's a scary time, its an exciting time. I realize I am sitting in a very unique position, to be able to pursue any and all opportunities that come my way. I realize that I am fumbling through the motions, and perhaps later I will be able to see it as a much more graceful dance. It's a hard and growing time, but I can't say I'd change it for anything in the world. Traveling provided the opportunity to seek and find out in the grand unknown compass of people, places, and landscapes. I have realized more and more recently how completely fantastic that journey of flight was and continues to be, as what I have learned permeates the part of my life that is rooted. 

I am thankful. I am a mess trying to sort this all out. I just want to know. But I have hope in Christ, and I have hope because I am loved by those who have hope as well. 

 

Lord, 

"Walk with me in the moonlight bay
Lose ourselves in the star parade
And I will sing a midnight serenade for you
Dance with me in a field of green
Be so close I can hear you breathe
Be the end and the in between

‘Cause to know you is to know love
And to know love is to know enough
To walk with you through this life
From now until the day I die
‘Cause what better way is there to live than to with you"

Jesus, I Come

Church. I really enjoyed the service and sermon, but there were two moments that made me catch my breath and sent a wave of emotion and thought through my heart.

One was while receiving Communion, on my left was one of my friends and we were waiting in a row for our Pastor to come to us and give us the Bread. I opened my hands and listened to what he said as a blessing in John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends". He spoke the scripture and I looked up at him and something just struck me about it, and listened to him speak to the man on my right wondering if he would say the same thing. He didn't. What I heard in the message of scripture was not just that love would lay their life down for their friend, what struck me was that I have spent so much time and energy recently focusing on Christ as GOD, this vehicle of divinity so much greater and more substantial than myself, that I had almost missed the simple conversation between friends. I have been praying for answers about my future and what I should be doing, and I have been seeking Christ with fervor and vulnerability.... and yet what I needed today was to feel the presence of the Lord beside me, walking hand in hand with me... much like I allow my friends into my heart. 

Hearing the scripture, receiving Communion, and paying attention to the meaning behind it all I looked up at my friend and saw this person that I have allowed into my life in a vulnerable way in conversation, and just by sharing my life in our friendship. I have fought him on different levels along the way, but I trust his opinion and point of view without hesitation. Why do I do this? Because I know that he has my best interest in mind, in our friendship he has shown self sacrifice, compassion, and because he loves Jesus I see this patience and care in the way he serves me in our friendship with abundance. 

Pairing the message found in the moment I was grateful for the real life example of a great friend in my life standing beside me, and I accepted the Bread knowing that it was from and because of the greatest friend I've ever known gave His life for mine. The relationship I have with Christ should always be more then  a "seek and find", I seek you to show me the way to go, I seek you to send me the plan, or I seek you to make life easier. Instead I should continue to focus to Lord, I find you in the quiet moments of prayer, I find you when I extend my heart and find yours, I find you when I trust you, I find you when I allow myself to open up to you like we are meeting for Coffee, and I find you when I lay my life down for yours because there is no greater love I can exhibit to you that matters.

My second moment came in the worship song 'Jesus, I Come' in the small part below:

Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,

Out of despair, into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Getting myself out of my mind and into the purpose of what the Lord would have for me is only going to happen when 'I come to Thee'. So this morning I sat in my chair trying to scribble some of the words down in my journal and was touched deeply by the sound of the phrase, the meaning behind the lyric of "out of myself to dwell in Thy love".

Seeking to remember that in my relationship with Christ, to remember him as approachable as the best friend I'll ever have, and to go to Jesus, out of myself...just go to Thee. The rest will make sense later, just find the first things first.