Productivity

Today after lunch Pat and I took a walk into the village and we shared about our lives and what holds our hearts attention at home (Pat is a lawyer in Charlotte, was married 10 years and has a 15 year old son- and believe it or not lived in Ridgefield for 6 months during a job relocation 15 years ago). We spent the last part of the walk talking about India and she invited me to take a trip with her there this fall to spend time sightseeing but mostly to serve and volunteer in a specific capacity. My response was classic, "I don't have plans for the fall", but I did say that I needed a job and I needed to list my house to sell. We agreed that I needed do those things, but come September she would contact me about booking a flight to Bombay. This cracked me up. I would not be surprised in the slightest bit if in November to celebrate my birthday I took a service related trip to India, AND pursued some business opportunities as she has encouraged me to pursue my art. It's a crazy story. But the short of the long of it is, we took a walk into a small isolated village outside where we are and by the time we returned I began to sense a part of my heart that has being aching and dying in recent months- the productive and proactive inspired part. The part of me that has been on hold "waiting" to see what was going to happen, that has I think in many ways killed a lot of what makes me healthy. Those aspects of my mind are being rekindled and restored here in China. I still have an action plan for my return to Virginia in July, but I am hopeful that it will accomodate a trip to the land of elephants, camels, and culture I have only dreamed of meeting come this fall.
I know that it was ultimately my choice to not move to Indianapolis this March. I know that I am my own person and I made the best decision I could in the midst of a really significant change in my life: the committed relationship with Tex. I remember him saying it was a leap of faith, and I knew and believed in the moment it was the right choice. However, since then I have rethought it many times, and I wish I knew then what I know for certain now. I know that we are not what we do, and that we are defined more by how who we love, serve, and the authenticity of the breathes we take in whom we honor. I realize that it has been my choice to maintain my schedule and time away from home. I was so afraid of the pressure and stress living in my house amidst boxes and a choice to not move, that I avoided it. Hindsight is always 20/20, and now I realize that my absence from my own home base significantly screwed with my head. While I learned a lot, and I felt closeness in some relationships I will treasure, I can see now how it slowly killed my ability to gain perspective, sleep a true real nights sleep in my own bed (therefore ALWAYS being exhausted), and how it took out of my equation some aspects that made me, Me. I think because of this realization and perspective I am excited to return to Virginia in July. Even though my bigger picture plan is still unknown, I am absolutely certain what step one, two, and three need to be for me. I hope that by putting those things back in place I will not regret the time I spent with those I love in the "waiting", but will put me back on a track I will be most like myself. At the end of my time in Ct I was so tired, drained, and anxious. I can honestly say that I don't know how I pulled it together to get on a plane to fly to Oregon, and then when I was there I was just a shell. A lost version of Kari, the one without roots, without a home to call my own, and in so many ways the lies in my head that cycle just broke me down. In the midst of doing wedding edits and preparing Chelsea and Matthew's package the perfectionist part of my mind took full and center control and focus. It took away the joy I find in capturing the image and I came to some clear conclusions about what I wanted to do creatively in my future. It was a great experience in that regard, but it was difficult. I didn't know how to narrow down and articulate what was so hard in my head to Tex, but here it is absolutely crystal clear. In the stress, perfectionism, and lack of real focus or roots I become unglued and I become moody, self reliant, quiet, and not very nice. I get scared, I want to be an island, and I don't trust that others seek to carry burden or live life WITH me. This all came to a three month head right before I left for China. I was a time bomb. In more ways then not I feel bad for Tex, and even more because at the time I could not pin point what it was. Thankfully my apology was met with forgiveness, and there were good moments in Oregon like making t-shirts for Team Curtis, lots of Salsa, playing some games, porch sitting, wine sipping, tv watching (not those Law&Order/CSI hours, no thanks). But in the end I left unsure and confused because I didn't yet know what I absolutely know right now.
We make choices and take leaps of faith in hope for something greater, a dream captured, and in this case I took one for a boy. I will not say I regret it, but I will say that I wish Tex and I had been wiser about how to keep me productive, and stimulated, during the pursuit of the future- so that in turn we would both benefit from a not tired, not emotionally drained or spiraled down version of me.
I still do not know what the rest of my summer, or the fall will bring. But today I started dreaming, and I started asking questions. They weren't contingent on "what If's", or "this could" statements. Those things still matter, and they always will. I met my time in China with availability and an open heart to whatever way I could be used and in whatever need existed. I have felt more productive in the past four days then I have in four months. I will hold onto this lesson, because in the productivity I have heard a voice I recognize come out of my mouth, and I have thought things from a part of my brain come to life again.
We are not what we do. But we are often what we think. And because I spent so much of the past few months thinking about things I could not predict or control, I wasn't able to fully participate and be vulnerable in a way that would make anything easy. Home is coming. There is a beautiful house in Lexington, Va that has packed boxes and yes, many of those boxes will remain taped... but there is a hammock, a puppy dog, and a bed that all beckon me to return home- and as we wait for what is to come, we will be productive and be brave in our home base.
I learned those things today while walking to a village in a far off land... as we passed people on the street playing games, selling their farm cropped goods, and day dreamed about venturing to India.... Friends. Let's not be surprised when that last part actually happens. (Yes, I already looked up airfare).
Love.Love.

Joy Upon Arrival.

This morning I woke up earlier then normal and went about my routine. I admit after some time reflecting I closed my book and journal and complained about what was waiting for me this morning. My complaining was a reflection of my day yesterday, and as soon as the thoughts exited my mouth I regretted them. I caught myself and told the person I was speaking to that I realized I was being ridiculous (an act of growth in recent weeks) and preceded to walk down the hallway and into the preschool room.

I was touched and beside myself when Mathias who is being adopted and his forever family came to the facility today ran up to me, threw up his arms and wanted to be held for a full on hug. When I put him down then Philip, his best friend and brother in foster care wheeled over in his precious chair and with equal enthusiasm shared his joy in my arrival.

I had a day yesterday in that I felt emotional broken and beaten down by circumstances I left at home. For the first time since my arrival I wasn't chasing down jet lag, and I wasn't riding on the thrill of a new adventure... I was me in China, and I was still dealing with the Me that left the States. And I was sad. I was overwhelmed leaving for this trip and I was fairly emotionally exhausted, even though I was given some purpose and direction as far as an action plan in regards to the confusion... but yet sometimes when common logic is missing, and what you know is often not reflected in what you feel... you sit and just feel sad. I think this led me to the realization that of all of my traveling in the past couple of years, this is the first time I have actually felt alone. Without the Facebook access here in China, I cannot upload pictures and have that connection to home. And there isn't iChatting to coordinate to meet up over breakfast/late night snacks. My email has been quiet for the most part and I have missed some people very much and have just hurt for wanting to connect. In many ways I am completely in my element here. I am being stretched yes, but I am also being used. I know how to function in a team, I understand what makes one successful, I am being trusted with choices and directions, and mostly I am being used in the facility of love- to nurture, to challenge, and to be honest. Yet... when continents collide and I am found empty and without much nourishment the sadness came.

Today however I woke and in my quiet and anxiety I wondered if today was going to be like yesterday and I asked for guidance, and I asked for comfort. Before I was able to wait to see if either would appear I spoke, in fear. But 10 steps later two giggling boys exclaimed joy in my presence. I felt encouraged to remember to exclaim and live joy. To stay focused on the truth, to speak in Love, and to remember in small moments we find the courage to move into the larger ones.

Included is a picture of my friend Philip outside in the rain. Today we learned about rain and the weather, and we decided that in light of the pouring down rain what better way to learn about rain- then to PLAY in it. So we jumped and we ran, and we laughed, and we played... and we (adults) became child like in our joy for simple pleasures and miraculous wonders of nature. It was a great moment in my heart.

Two little boys giggled when I arrived to class today. They found Joy in my arrival. How I need to learn to continue to be joyful in all circumstances, for in each sunrise a new day begins- its a promise kept, that the darkness did break, the morning did come and that he will be with us, that in our sadness we will know love and in love we can express joy... Yes, I thought of all of these things simply from walking through a door to begin a new day with my new precious friends, all the way around the world.

The Call is Love.

Robert and Ethan

Are best friends. They go everywhere with together. I sometimes liken them to the 'two peas in a pod', Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, or a beloved returning favorite, Buzz Lightyear and Woody. I can't imagine seeing one without the other. When riding on the bicycle with training wheels, Ethan leads the mission with Robert sitting on the back with his feet neatly placed on the training wheels brace. Because Ethan can't do a full pedal motion with Robert hanging on the back, he goes back and forth in an up and down motion so as to move them forward and keep the adventure going. Today I was hanging out in the "tree house/play house" in the preschool room and watched them play with each other, both with their aprons on cooking, up a storm and serving their 'guests'. I imagined myself a little girl in Ridgefield playing in the back yard with my own personal play house that was made to replicate the larger home we all lived in, and I spent countless hours pretending. Creating worlds that did not exist to my older siblings or parents. Dreaming of what life had in store and all that would unfold later.

The call here in China is simple. Love. It's what matters most and it is what lives on and multiplies in our lifetimes. Yesterday afternoon I met Robert and Ethan, and today I got to know them. They are quirky and fun, and full of life as they navigate the social scene in their school and home environment. They are my favorites.

The story will change on Thursday. Ethan is getting adopted. Ethan is going to what the staff call, his 'forever home'. Robert will be here. I know that they are preschoolers, and I know that they will not remember much of this time. And yet I sit here tonight knowing that I will remember these days of their years. I will remember Ethan being picked up by his new parents, and I will remember going into class the next day and hanging out with Robert as he experiences his first day without his best friend. In so many ways my heart knows exactly what he will feel like. And I know that the expanse of time will come and routine will help... but sometimes you just want someone to hold you and remind you, that you are loved and to not give up.

This had me thinking today about all the friends I have had in my life, those who have exited as quickly as they entered, those who have completely changed the course of my life, and the others whom I fight fiercely to hold onto. I wondered who I missed when I was four after they moved to a new town, or who held my hand on the way to the playground knowing I was sad for such a particular reason. Who holds onto those days for me. In many circumstances we can associate those nuances of life with our parents. They were there. They know. However I am learning more and more recently, how often I felt more alone then not.

Ethan is going to his forever home. Robert remains. The future is unknown for both but yet we are hopeful. Robert has a life threatening heart condition and his life expectancy is not long. You would not know it by meeting him, and you cannot imagine it after holding his hand and heart for a little while each day. I came into this time emotionally exhausted and ultimately confused and sad. I will not be leaving less tired, but I will be leaving different. Love is what matters most. Joy is what we choose. Friendships have to change because life is constantly moving. There is an unexplainable order to this chaos.

Robert and Ethan in this way will always be best friends even if their time together is drawing near. I will be their memory keeper even in this most small and minute way. Despite a language barrier, and age difference: Love is love. We know it when its real, and its the one thing we wish we fought harder for when its gone. I am learning a lot about love and relationships here across the world, but mostly I am learning things about myself that are introducing the Me I arrived, to the me I was when I was 5- a few of the future untarnished by difficulty or family drama trauma... and I am noticing that I came hoping for one thing, but am receiving so much more then I can even begin to unpack in this message alone.

Sharing and Caring

Some great things I have heard in the recent week in sermons, in friends, in the radio...

"Grace- its starting over. Our of death and darkness, it knows you, all secret things. Grace, its inviting you out of the darkness to lift you up to the only One who knows what you need and want. Don't stay there (the darkness), its death there. Let Him lift you up, I promise you He will never let you go."

"Submission is always a choice. It is rooted in love, because love always seeks to the interest of other people. Be challenged to do it for one another, it works. It is the only practical model for relationships. The cross is a context and frame work for relationships. Sacrifice your love and life for the benefit of those receiving it. God's plan in this way works on every level."

"When dealing with things of Faith you always choose the undeniable over the inexplicable. Somethings you can't explain, and you can't deny them either."

"Watching what God does, and then you do it. Like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was NOT CAUTIOUS but EXTRAVAGANT. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of Himself to us. LOVE LIKE THAT."

"Everyone has a plan for the you they want you to be. God never plays the comparison game and God never has an expectation of you that can't be met... only that you be you. Best version of you with God."

"Grace is receiving what you don't deserve to receive at all."

"The only thing that counts is Faith expressing itself in Love" Gal. 5:6

"You are our letter. Written not in ink, but with the spirit of the living God, not on stone tablets but on the tablets of human hearts." 2 Cor 3:2-3

"But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

Back to Basics...? argh.

Today I am boarding a flight first to Toronto, and then I will have about an hour before I take my flight to Beijing. I will be in the air for 2 hours, then 13- and will by end of air travel have gone 7,186 miles.

Life this morning looks distinctly different then when I was last in this airport departing for Oregon and even different then my return back on Monday morning. Suffice it to say that I may be confused about the future and what the good Lord has planned I have learned a tremendous amount this week about love, Godly pursuit, and how without Christ's blood and love as the glue- nothing ever truly holds together.

I wish I could say that considering myself a mature Christian, that I was in fact mature. I think my immaturity in this regard has shown its true colors and I have found myself often this week on my knees to the Father repenting for the ways that I was too quick to speak, or was too burdened in silence. How He calls us to SHARE our lives, to Glorify HIM in the seams of it, and yet when I am scared or troubled I act much like the young girl trying to survive hard family dynamics and turmoil. I recently said to Tex and my good friend Sandy that I didn't want to simply feel like I was surviving life, but that I wanted to LIVE it. In doing so I recognize that there are things that I am in bondage too, and lies that I submit to believing because I am not able to gather the perspective enough that God's love is eternal and more then ENOUGH for me. That who I am in this life should be a reflection of my pursuit of His truth more then Satan's, and that to become refined and molded in His image means that I have to die more to myself then I think is physically/emotionally possible: every second of every day.

It's crazy that after years of loving Jesus, we can be so foolish at times and with other people's hearts and thinking we've got something covered and nailed. We are foolish to think that the sins of our parents, or our peers do not bleed into our own psyche and we are left making decisions in haste that we never would have considered if focused clearly and directly on Christ. However, we have to let them go. We can't quit. We need to focus on what matters most- and that is we are living, choosing, and giving ourselves to Love every day.

At the end of this travel day, which will place me in a time zone 12 hours AHEAD of EST, landing me in Beijing at 3-something am to me, but in the afternoon to them... I will be serving. What an interesting place in my spirit to be in this moment, and I am continually thankful that the good Lord has reminded me of His perfection this week in my complete and absolute imperfection.

Because I will be in China I will not be able to write this way for two weeks, but I will be updating it regularly with the help of my great friend Kerri. I'm hoping to email back a picture or two so she can post them for me, and will be able to keep the blog updated with anecdotes and stories of those children I will be loving for my time away.

My prayer is that I am able to remember things of truth in the coming weeks as I continue to give my heart in service and to Christ to be changed and molded in huge/life giving ways. I know that we become a reflection of what we think and believe, and I am praying sincerely that my mind will be filled with the promises of redemption, forgiveness, and resolve. To not continue to cycles, abuses, or lies of the past but to take each day and moment as a new opportunity to be more whole and purposed in Jesus.

Amen.

Love you. To the moon and back.

Miss Independent

I am more independent then the Kelly Clarkson song. Fact is I have always been that way. When I think of my childhood and I think of my relationships there is a consistancy to them all. I wish I could break down in one little blog entry all the reasons and moments I learned that being independent more was more important then just... being one with the Father and allowing all the chips to fall as they might. Instead I have always stood in Faith with one hand gripping tightly onto Christ, and the other wanting to let go of the shore and just set sail-but holding onto my self reliance instead.

It's strange in the same moment however I absolutely love people. I love community. I love relationships. I have some of the most amazing people in the whole world in my life. I have made choices for these people, and I have fought wildly and sometimes blindly in my love for them.

Which makes me perhaps the most complicated conflicting combination of personalities.

I have learned recently however that in pursuing my feelings for another it has meant more about me letting go of the shore that I manically desire/control, and allowing said hand to reach out and grasp someone else's. In dating the best friend of all time, you'd think that this would be an easy task. The trust, the friendship, the vulnerability has been instilled and built on for nearly 3 whole years. This would be the most natural place, person, and change to make.

However, I have found myself balking at the risk- me, the romantic, the communicator, the emotional and sappy one, is living on the Island of Independence and its time my friends to leave this Island. The moment of realization is not that I have to leave for my relationship alone, but mostly because it is what the Lord is calling me to do. I can travel the world countless times, and I can see the sun set over different oceans and lands- but my deepest desire has and always will be, to be known... to cry before another that knows that their only motion should be to place their hand over mine and listen.

I have that.

I am learning how to be real and vulnerable in my desire for intentional relationship, and also still be strong- not mistaking interdependence for weakness, but instead seeing the way in which Christ has fabricated our lives to be loved, and sharpened by each other to know and seek Him more then we were on our own.

I'm fortunate that this journey is one with the best friend of all time, and in that place I want to most grow and be made vulnerable is for one I know has already placed his hand over mine, and listened.

I am growing. I am learning.

The freedom here, I know will be worth it.

Love.Love.

Kar

It Will Be Worth It

I wrote a month ago with the intention of writing more. Then it didn't happen.

But I have written endlessly in the recent weeks. Not necessarily in my journal or in letters- but in my head. Transcripts of conversations I have had with Christ, and I feel like I may have talked myself out of words.

And so I begin with ... a word. A specific one from three years ago.

My friend Jessica and I were at the Gift Show in Atlanta and spent the end of the day shopping for jewelry, and such. I came across a table that had initials, and heart pendants inscribed with words. I love words. I like unusual pieces of jewelry. This table had my attention. I chose two different charms. The first one, and what I wore most frequently was "wisdom". The second one was the word was "freedom". Leaving the table Jessica remarked that she was surprised that I would pick 'freedom', and she was right- it was an unusual choice for me. But its what I wanted, though I never wore it. I would go to put it on from time to time and it never quite seemed right, and back into the box it would go saving it for another time, another outfit, another moment.

Nearing three years later the only word I can seem to think of these days is in fact, Freedom. It has been written on billboards, been the focus of the sermon series at Crossroads, it has come up in conversations with my best friends, and has been the driving desire in my relationship with Christ.

Tomorrow is Easter. As I have matured in my relationship with Christ I have noticed my sensitivity to the Cross and the events of Holy Week deepen as I have seen so distinctly how much I need a Savior. I can't imagine a love that would take on the sins of a people that could not save themselves so that we might choose to give our lives back to Him, walk with Him, and love Him... to join Him for eternity in Heaven. I am in awe of the sacrifice and am humbled more and more each year that we are His beloved.

Easter is Freedom. It is love in action. Sacrificial. Unconditional.

The meaning behind the word freedom has been a work in progress my entire life, though I have not always been aware of the larger picture. I sit here, in 2010 acutely aware of things that I have held captive in my heart unable to share or speak of because of fear, and have now seen how my life in many ways has been in bondage to the fear, the secrets, the past, the violations of trust and the hurts that I never took the time to address, talk about, or heal. I didn't know what would come of those big and small moments at the time, "I didn't know how to find my way through it, so instead I found my way around it" (quoted from a book I recently read which I identified with). I know now. The suppression, the running, the evasion has come to a end.

A song I recently heard while at church begins quietly and simply with the statement, "When freedom comes, it will be worth it".

Friends. I write you humbly and sincerely, that it has been worth it. The past is the past, and while I continue to struggle in not getting wrapped up in the impatience I find in people or situations in the present, due to their track record- I understand much more clearly why I feel the way I do, and how I need to rest in Christ more. I have been loved so incredibly well by my freedom fighters. They have helped make the journey bearable, and because they have prayed I have been able to get to this place and be bold.

Patience. Waiting. Vulnerability. Commitment. Independence. Love. Happiness.

The place of healing. The place of letting go. The place of true freedom from every last lie that I have believed and have let define my perception of my value and purpose.

Three years ago I chose freedom. I was not ready for what it meant, nor did I understand where I would have to go to find it. It has been shown to me in bits and pieces of landscapes, mountain tops, foreign soil, quiet moments alone, and in the eyes of my best and most treasured Boo.

With Easter arriving tomorrow, if you've not considered in the past what the resurrection of Christ means to you, I request simply that you think about what in your life holds you back, enslaves you, and keeps you from seeing the beauty found in the blood shed on a cross, a body buried, then in a mighty miracle an empty tomb and a life risen.

Freedom. When it comes. It will be worth it.

I give my life and heart willingly to His love, His life, His sacrifice, because I know each and every day it is worth it.

"When the freedom comes it will be worth it, it will be worth it...

When it comes to you.

Because you've got too much on your shoulders,

Too much in your head

Too much in your heart, that's poisonous...

Root deep,

I see things that keep you from seeing me

My will be done

In everyone

'Cause you've got burdens on your shoulders

Lies in your head

Pain in your heart... that wants you dead

Spirit open their eyes

Open their minds

Open their hearts

And help them know

Truth from a lie

Foe from a friend

That I am for them...

Because I want freedom on their shoulders

Peace in their heads

Love in their hearts

Again.

Over and Over Again."