marathons.

A post on Mandy's Blog is below (which she stole from a friend of a friend, which makes me stealing it that much more fun). I fell in love with it. I just came home from a very emotional outburst conversation with Matty. I was the emotional outburst, he was the very stable man that led and loved me well. God Bless Him... seriously he is one of the greatest men I know. I came home just wiped... out. In a way that felt permanent and heavy... but known and protected. Life's marathon feels long right now. And I'm in a place that I've made a very hard choice, and I know that it will hurt both myself and someone else. That's hard. But, I'm thankful that the road of life is not meant to be tackled all at once. I have said a lot recently the following simple but tenderly weighted statement: "I'm content in the pace of life, right now". I don't often feel like that is true about me in general... but for the past few weeks as I have explored, debated, and fought through tough questions, I have found my heart rest and be confident in what is true right now. Not yesterday, and not what I hope to be true tomorrow. The pace of that journey has been a long uphill battle, but its one that I have truly grown the most in and have let happen in its due time. Not rushed.

Easter Sunday I watched a video that accompanied a song that was being performed on stage by the music team. I can't remember much about the song except the word "key" was in it, and I am obsessed with keys. The video begins with a man waking up to begin his day, making his coffee, and then running out of his apartment. It is not yet day light, and he is just running. Running so hard and so fast. And then he gets to what he is running to. The ocean. The beach is spread wide before him, and there others that have gathered to watch, and together they wait for what is to come- the sun.

I sat and reflected on a season of Lent in which I spent so much time appreciating the morning and fighting through the struggle to pursue and embrace it well. I have written about it here, and the postcard blog, and I've talked about it with friends. The video just captured me. The real me. The me I've become.

In the past year the biggest thing that has changed about me, is that I've not been blinded or confounded by the darkness. Blinded by darkness? Yes. I've not been so entrenched, distracted, or hurt by how the darkness makes me believe the lie that I'm not worth fighting for. I have finally been able to break free of that, and have run so hard towards the light that brings life to the day. Running.Hard. Towards that freedom. The video Easter morning was a poignant and profound reminder that we are not who we were, for Christ makes us new each day.

Last year on Easter I was telling someone a memory of betrayal from childhood. I was sharing because I wanted to share the secret I had only shared with one other friend. I was not embraced, or touched in my admission. I can't say that there has been a more vulnerable and lonely moment in an other's company in my life. But, I was able to speak and that was a victory. Later that day I wrote on my blog:

"The meaning behind the word freedom has been a work in progress my entire life, though I have not always been aware of the larger picture. I sit here, in 2010 acutely aware of things that I have held captive in my heart unable to share or speak of because of fear, and have now seen how my life in many ways has been in bondage to the fear, the secrets, the past, the violations of trust and the hurts that I never took the time to address, talk about, or heal. I didn't know what would come of those big and small moments at the time, "I didn't know how to find my way through it, so instead I found my way around it" (quoted from a book I recently read which I identified with). I know now. The suppression, the running, the evasion has come to a end."

Everything that came after that trip stripped me down to what I had prayed for. The freedom. It was the bottom, but it was also the top. It was the darkness, but it was also the light. It was everything. I had no idea where I'd have to go, or what would have to happen to truly live what I had hoped for and written above.

But it did come.

Sunday morning I sat and sang along with the congregation about the wondrous cross. I remembered quietly to myself the plea and desire of my heart one year ago, that had not yet been filled. I recognized in my voice, my posture, and in my tears... That I am a different woman. And I love her. She has always been worth the fight, just now I believe it. I also wrote that day, "Easter is Freedom. It is love in action. Sacrificial. Unconditional."

I can't begin to explain how having that focus of freedom in the cross, freedom in the empty tomb, freedom in a God that loves me, and a life designed to run with pursuit and focus on the light of the world has made me appreciate the greater race we run. And how sprints, are just a waste and burst of energy.

The pace of life right now is good. Great even. And my ability to be transparent, real, honest, scared, happy, anxious, and authentic with people that love, protect, and challenge me has allowed this marathon of a life to be beautiful.

The post from last Easter can be found here: It Will Be Worth It.

Below is the blog posts from Mandy about marathon's that she stole. It is brilliant. The bold parts are my added emphasis.

Stolen words from Kevin Bacon

Okay, the words aren't really from Kevin Bacon. I found these marvelous words on the blog of a friend of a friend; which made me think of seven degrees of separation, which clearly leads to Kevin Bacon. All that to say, I read this and my heart sighed. It found a kindred spirit in Mr. Bacon. Therefore, I will let the words "he" wrote speak for my heart...

"We are running marathons. Nothing is a sprint except an actual sprint.

And yet, I think in terms of sprints. I think short-term, I think here and now and do little to consider the future. I do it with relationships, friendships, finances and more; whatever feels good now is what I'll do. I distill my world to 140 character status updates, and do not consider the punctuation marks I use may not be correct. The place I put a period may be where God wanted a semicolon, changing what I thought was an end into merely a pause. I don't look far enough ahead to understand the difference.

The question I struggle with is how am I to learn to live a marathon life in a world that thinks in sprints?

I want to train to pace myself, to work up to the hills and stretch the parts of me that get overworked along the way. I want to understand that the blisters I get are not because I'm a terrible person or a failure, but because I am a person who is running and blisters happen to runners. In the marathon world, I must pay close attention to what I take in and where I'm going. If I'm to run the race marked out for me, training for the long-distance and not the immediate future is the difference between standing at the finish line and giving up before I can see it."