Confusion.

It's Sunday.

I'm in a really weird place in my heart. I don't know how to best describe it.

I have driven to and from work not particularly aware of how I get there and back. Just have been zoned out- or more accurately zoned IN. Thinking about a lot of really hard stuff. You know, the stuff you think you've completely figured out, only to have months later show its face again saying, "ooh so yeah... about that..."

It's not all bad stuff. Some of it has been productive.

Though I will be honest its mostly left me confused. And I don't do confused well. Actually it turns me into a 13 year old girl that was just told that she was grounded for two months two days before summer vacation was supposed to start. It makes me feel defiant, immature, and just anxious.

The truth is I think my confusion makes me most honest before the Lord.

I think it forces me out of myself and into the one thing that matters. What does the Lord say/think/feel about whatever it is that happens to force me into an quiet confounded version of me?

I know that is the place and part of me the Lord most wants to work in my heart and refine me. I know that in order for the edges to be made less sharp I need to embrace that which I don't understand, and am at a loss most about.

It's not that I think confusion is bad. Or unproductive. Sometimes its dangerous. It's been a word that has been used against me, and has been hurtful. And sometimes it makes me worry.

But right now, I'm just quiet. I'm thinking through, and asking questions. Lots of questions. And I'm waiting for the words for the questions I've yet to articulate. The distance between two points in my daily routine has been polluted and dominated with the exploration of the internal thought process.

And Jesus. Wading with me through the journey. Bringing into focus and sharp perspective, He goes before me, and He walks with me. And so... I suppose thinking so much and so long and praying so tenderly are the upsides to how I just don't know the answers to some questions and am just confused.

Yes. There's an upside. So thankful for that. ;)