I'm not.
Today I took a phone call for a Bridesmaid that needed to cancel her dress order because "The bride has decided to stay with her husband, and isn't getting married to the guy she had an affair with."
What is the appropriate response?
In the past few days I've dealt with a few cancelled weddings. One girl had her fiance break it off for no reason, just changed his mind. The other girl I could not understand because she was so emotional. The other two faded into memories of what I've already heard before.
I'm a great listener. Yes. I am a great talker. True. However it is when dealing with the emotional outburst and breakdown of others that I know the Lord best gives me the patience to listen. To hear them out. To care for them well. I do this without complaining. It's part of the selection of gifts that the Lord has called me to use.
People settle. People get married to people just to wear a dress and have a day. I meet people everyday who explain that its their 2nd or 3rd wedding, and they aren't looking for the "virgin white dress". I talk to their friends and loved ones who criticize everything about choices of colors, flowers, food, and most especially their future spouses. I listen and I listen and I listen.
What I really want to do is pull them all outside the building and give them a good talking to. But I can't. There are professional boundaries to respect and keep.
I look at the past year of my life- from today May of 2011 and go back to May of 2010 and I know that there are definitely reasons why I would struggle with cynicism. I don't think I realized to the extent in which the degree of negativity I had arrived to in my head until tonight.
People don't call when they say they will. I know this because I don't call when I say I will. I owe Mandy four phone calls. People walk out and leave. I know this because I have divorced parents. People mean well, but cycles continue. I know this because I continue to be hurt by them.
At the end of the day we all want to know that we are loved and that we matter. We want to know that some promises and pinkie swears are going to be kept for a lifetime. Most of the time, I believe that those things are true. I know and trust the Lord's provision and His love with out a doubt. When it comes to the intentions and relationships with earthly fallen men and women... I must admit in the most secret and hurt place of my heart... I am on the fence.
Why and when did that happen?
Tonight I came home to an email. It was a painful one to read. A suffering marriage. Someone I love wrote to reach out, to get input and advice, and to be loved. My heart broke, ached, and just fell into a handful of pieces. My reaction to this person was obviously different then the broken situations I deal with at work, but there were core similarities. I sat and I read it, and I thought carefully to myself about what the appropriate response should be. What would make the most impact. What scripture could I write out to encourage this loved one?
The part of me that I most fight for knew that the best and only thing to say was, "I love you. I am here. For whatever it is you need, for however long it takes, and for whatever needs to happen. I am praying." If that part of me hadn't shown up I think I would have to had to raise my hand and call Mandy and Matt to the dining room table for a self imposed intervention.
Bridal Business should be my home. It should be the most perfect place to be relational, enthusiastic, and creative. It has left me recently more jaded and cynical about relationships as a whole. It fuels my independent streak. Makes me self reliant, and defiant. It has hardened edges in which at one point were so tender.
Now that I've been able to put words to this ache in my heart that I've felt recently, I am praying how to not let my my own hurt and defenses prevent me from experiencing Godly, mature, and loving relationships with people in my life that seek to pursue me well.
I have amazing, amazing, amazing, wonderful, amazing relationships in my life. The people who matter most to me have been active, participating, encouraging people for many many years. I know that my life is rich with the love we are able to exchange because we understand and support the pursuit of Godly intention. Being around these people pulls me out of the miry pit in which I sometimes get swallowed up by in my current career field.
People settle. People don't want to be alone. People want the cake, the dance, the dress. People want what is easy. People want what makes sense, now not later. People want what they want.
Fighting to live a life that does not settle is hard. Finding comfort in Christ, so that being alone while waiting isn't lonely, is hard. Understanding in my core that its not the cake, the dance, or the dress is hard. Choosing hard because its what is right, is hard. Waiting for clarity when life is confusing is hard. Giving up what we want for what God has for us and desires for us... is hard.
But.
It's.
So.
Worth.
It.
So I suppose as Midnight passes I am thankful that while I understand the weight in my heart that is sad for the broken relationships and poor choices I see being made- that I am able to still see how much God desires for us to be made whole in HIM, not each other. How that relationship will open doors, heal wounds, and provide a platform for lasting relationships to prevail in a world in which everything feels so temporary. I'm thankful that Mandy keeps calling even though I've not called her back. I'm thankful that when I feel safe and secure I can sit on the couch and cry, talk, laugh, share and care with someone who does not judge the sharp edges I am currently trying to soften. I'm thankful that I know I am loved as I am, and where I'm at.
I'm thankful that I know I'm not alone in this life. And that everything that feels so hard and so sad is not a burden in which I carry on my own.
I know that I'm lucky. I know that I have so much light, love, and laughter in my life.
But I am feeling a little jaded. I am feeling a little beat up. I am feeling a little tired. Which leaves me altogether feeling a little sad, a little empty, and a little bit like being an island.
And that's just one thing I've been thinking about in circles while making my daily commute.
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