she is love.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,

But she takes it all for me.

And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,

But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

She is love, and she is all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,

But she waited patiently.

It was all the same, all my pride and shame,

And she put me on my feet.

And when that world slows down, dear.

And when those stars burn out, here.

Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need...

I had sort of a moment today. Ok. It was a big moment.

I remembered something. I remembered a random text message one day that I had been sent simply quoting the song above. I remember when the text came in and I knew instantly what it meant, and what it implied.

I have been in this weird pit and vast valley of frustration and sadness with cynicism about relationships. Doubting that they ever last. Doubting ones that require a ring and a white dress, and those that don't. I even asked someone last night on the phone what the point of relationships really was. . I couldn't believe the words even came out of my mouth. I followed up with, "I'm just trying to own that place."

Today I was talking about my life. I was talking about the rich way in which I have been blessed by love and grace from very special people that have become family. I talked about hard moments with people that I have fought for and waited sometimes patiently, and sometimes not so patiently for. I talked about Matt, Mandy, Emily, Tex, Julie, and my sisters. I talked about ways I've been loved and pushed and pulled towards the truth. I owned how sometimes I'd been hurt by them, but how the ties are never really severed.

I realized the stories I was telling, and the people I was talking about- are the people that you spend a lifetime loving and knowing. There is no difference between those people, and the one I will spend forever with, create a home, family, and life with.

No difference. The hope is the same. Forever. Always. Through thick and thin. Through ups and downs. In laughter and in tears. Through periods of silence, and times of endless hours of conversation.

I am many things. Many imperfect, many hurtful.

But my greatest and most intimate desire which I pray each day is that the fabric of each intention, is that I would love. Completely, and wholly. Without holding back and without holding in. Each day varies in my ability to do so.

I realize that I am my harshest and most critical voice. That I buy into the lies that the secular world accepts as common, and I have let them change my perspective. I have let those fears hold my truth back. I have let myself become like those I struggle with. In a very short amount of time, I have lost my footing a little bit.

Sometimes its hard for me to focus on how the greatest man that ever lived, also embodies our greatest love story. That Jesus is love. He is all I need. He makes me want to believe. He puts me on my feet. He is l o v e.

And because He IS love, and because I love HIM... I am refined and transformed to also be and show, Love.

I realized today that I can be intimated by the commitments I fear will hurt me, and that I can struggle with understanding the difference between people who will stay and who will go.

But that I have to trust my heart. And I have to trust the Lord. I have chosen well. I have made some great decisions.

I think I run from commitment.

But I haven't in a long long time.

I think I run from intimacy.

But I have been so remarkably and beautifully transparent.

I think nothing lasts.

But I have people in my life that have been there forever.

Today I yelled at myself. Told myself that I am my best, and I am happiest that when even in the midst of the unknown... that I choose what I know. And who I know in Jesus, is love.

So I allow and pray to be changed, refined, reformed, and healed to become love too.

And I celebrate the moment I had today in which I was able to let go and realize my life is different. My choices are different. My relationships are different. I am different. And felt in my heart, how this realization just saved my marriage. The one that is to come. The one that I believe is possible. The one that I believe will be worth the wait. The one that I know will last. The one that I can be scared about, but assured in Christ for.

I realize that one epiphany doesn't mean the struggle is solved. But I do know that in my life I have Godly people praying with and for me, and that when I am struggling I can go before them as ask that they walk with me through in the valley as I work myself back towards the truth. I know that truth. I embrace it. I lean in on it. And I am grateful for it.

Glad the weight and darkness of what I have been drowning in... finally elevated. And I'm back to where I am best. Pursuing with perseverance the truth in Christ, and others. And not being one who quits. And not being one left.