bruce is here!

bruce is here.

as is my sister Krystal.

we took lots of photo's outside of the pups.

i love.

love.

love.

bruce.

and yes, my sister too.

thought.

The internet has come and gone in waves at the house. It's been frustrating. But its also been good. It has meant that every time I have come to update this little ole blog, that I have not been able to post, which is the frustrating part. But at the same time, its been good because its forced me to really think and pray about what I want to say.

I had a pretty long weekend. Long in work, long in heart, long in general. Lots of intense conversations, dynamics, reunions, laughter, that have all led to a a weighted place of self introspection and even mostly... silence.

It's now Tuesday morning and I'm off today. I am off on Thursday. So working a shorter shift tomorrow sort of makes me feel like I'm scoring a three day stretch of time off. I'll take the illusion.

Right now I'm cleaning the house and getting things read for the first of two sisters who are moving in for awhile. I have used the hallway bathroom since I got back last summer, for no real reason whatsoever. I now have to move out of it and back into my bedroom. Don't judge me. I honestly have no reason that makes sense why I don't use the master bathroom.

This morning my head feels scattered. I am processing through several conversations from this weekend, a couple of interesting days at work, the transition this house is about to embark (again), Gracie's limp (which now requires a vet appointment), how I'm generally feeling in my own body and health stand point, plans for this summer (Busch Gardens and Vegas keep coming up), and in general... What now?

Those are mentioned as just a platform for the other branches off the tree of thought I just described. But people sometimes cheat and read me here before talking to me. Most of the time I don't think about it, and I don't care.

Today I do.

And right now, what I'm thinking about, what I'm praying about pursuing, and whom has captivated my attention are worth more then a sneak peak on this blog.

What I probably could use more then anything is an hour or two at the river's edge with Mandy and Kristyn, laughing and sharing about this moment in this life. Followed up with a hearty challenging conversation over iced coffee.

Yes. That would hit the spot.

she is love.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,

But she takes it all for me.

And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,

But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

She is love, and she is all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,

But she waited patiently.

It was all the same, all my pride and shame,

And she put me on my feet.

And when that world slows down, dear.

And when those stars burn out, here.

Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need...

I had sort of a moment today. Ok. It was a big moment.

I remembered something. I remembered a random text message one day that I had been sent simply quoting the song above. I remember when the text came in and I knew instantly what it meant, and what it implied.

I have been in this weird pit and vast valley of frustration and sadness with cynicism about relationships. Doubting that they ever last. Doubting ones that require a ring and a white dress, and those that don't. I even asked someone last night on the phone what the point of relationships really was. . I couldn't believe the words even came out of my mouth. I followed up with, "I'm just trying to own that place."

Today I was talking about my life. I was talking about the rich way in which I have been blessed by love and grace from very special people that have become family. I talked about hard moments with people that I have fought for and waited sometimes patiently, and sometimes not so patiently for. I talked about Matt, Mandy, Emily, Tex, Julie, and my sisters. I talked about ways I've been loved and pushed and pulled towards the truth. I owned how sometimes I'd been hurt by them, but how the ties are never really severed.

I realized the stories I was telling, and the people I was talking about- are the people that you spend a lifetime loving and knowing. There is no difference between those people, and the one I will spend forever with, create a home, family, and life with.

No difference. The hope is the same. Forever. Always. Through thick and thin. Through ups and downs. In laughter and in tears. Through periods of silence, and times of endless hours of conversation.

I am many things. Many imperfect, many hurtful.

But my greatest and most intimate desire which I pray each day is that the fabric of each intention, is that I would love. Completely, and wholly. Without holding back and without holding in. Each day varies in my ability to do so.

I realize that I am my harshest and most critical voice. That I buy into the lies that the secular world accepts as common, and I have let them change my perspective. I have let those fears hold my truth back. I have let myself become like those I struggle with. In a very short amount of time, I have lost my footing a little bit.

Sometimes its hard for me to focus on how the greatest man that ever lived, also embodies our greatest love story. That Jesus is love. He is all I need. He makes me want to believe. He puts me on my feet. He is l o v e.

And because He IS love, and because I love HIM... I am refined and transformed to also be and show, Love.

I realized today that I can be intimated by the commitments I fear will hurt me, and that I can struggle with understanding the difference between people who will stay and who will go.

But that I have to trust my heart. And I have to trust the Lord. I have chosen well. I have made some great decisions.

I think I run from commitment.

But I haven't in a long long time.

I think I run from intimacy.

But I have been so remarkably and beautifully transparent.

I think nothing lasts.

But I have people in my life that have been there forever.

Today I yelled at myself. Told myself that I am my best, and I am happiest that when even in the midst of the unknown... that I choose what I know. And who I know in Jesus, is love.

So I allow and pray to be changed, refined, reformed, and healed to become love too.

And I celebrate the moment I had today in which I was able to let go and realize my life is different. My choices are different. My relationships are different. I am different. And felt in my heart, how this realization just saved my marriage. The one that is to come. The one that I believe is possible. The one that I believe will be worth the wait. The one that I know will last. The one that I can be scared about, but assured in Christ for.

I realize that one epiphany doesn't mean the struggle is solved. But I do know that in my life I have Godly people praying with and for me, and that when I am struggling I can go before them as ask that they walk with me through in the valley as I work myself back towards the truth. I know that truth. I embrace it. I lean in on it. And I am grateful for it.

Glad the weight and darkness of what I have been drowning in... finally elevated. And I'm back to where I am best. Pursuing with perseverance the truth in Christ, and others. And not being one who quits. And not being one left.

divorce.

A year and a half ago I received a voice mail message. It was morning, and my phone had rung when I was in the shower. When I saw the missed call I was inquisitive, because it was from someone I had planned on seeing later that day.

In the first 2 seconds I knew that the tone of voice meant something more then just "call me back". Still in a towel, and dripping from the shower I called back and when they answered, the first thing I said was, "what happened?"

A divorce was announced. I was heartbroken for what I could not prevent for someone I loved.

I am a child of divorce. A couple, actually. I was born into a marriage that did not last, and I was raised in another that lasted nearly my entire childhood.

I knew what this news meant to this friend, and I knew that there was nothing I could say or do to protect them from everything they were about to experience.

It's not the time in that moment to say hey I know that...

You will always struggle with having to choose between two parents for everything.

You will favor one over the other, as you have perceived their hurt more as a victim then a cause.

You will always wish for childhood memories that feel different in retrospect, because you really thought that you were happy.

You will struggle with commitment and being in a long lasting relationship if you don't focus on Jesus.

You will hate it. Hurt because of it. Be sad. Angry. And grieve a unit of family you will always in your head still see, even if its scattered and dismembered.

You will protect image and perception because even when you agree what people may think-- its YOUR family. And you LOVE them.

You will never really understand it.

You will not be defined by this, but you will be shaped by this. Let it mold great things.

You will wonder how you didn't know or see it coming... and wish you could go back and prevent it.

You will be angry. So angry. Still so angry.

You will choose to not talk about it. Hide it. Bury it. But it will be alive and it will hurt you.

No. You don't say any of those things to someone who just found out their parents have split up.

You say. Only. "I am here."

In three words you are also saying....

That I will pray and love you through this.

That I will listen when you feel like talking, and I will make small talk when you don't.

I will ask questions when I feel you retreating too deep into yourself, and I will wait more then 10 minutes for the answers to come.

I will be there to laugh with and talk about good memories, to keep them alive.

I will support and love you as you make decisions regarding holiday logistics.

I will not be a hiding place or a fortress of secrets- you will live your life in the truth and in the hope of now.

I will remind you its not your fault, and that you will be a different spouse, parent, and partner... an amazing one in fact.

I will stay.

I will stay.

I will stay.

Even when you hurt me, even when I feel I'm the one being punished and buried.

I will stay.

I have been dealing with several cancelled weddings at work. Like. Several.

I am also helping to love, support, and listen to someone incredibly special to me deal with the decisions regarding a marriage that is struggling and might separate.

The way that I've felt recently has reminded me much of the morning that voicemail came in, and I sat with someone I cared so much about cry in the explanation of what had come to pass.

We are in this life together. Cheesy High School Musical moment, but seriously. We are part of the story. We are not the solution, and we are not the healers. But our advice, insight, and perspective help bring light to the way, and hopefully help bring vulnerability to the only one who can heal, Christ.

I am learning more and more how to balance my own personal involvement in an other's grief in a way that does not mean it alters my personal mental health and emotional stand point.

Though, I never want to be removed in the extent I'm unable to connect. I've been there. I've done that. It doesn't work for who I am, and how I feel the Lord has called me to love.

But there are boundaries. And there are things I need.

And that is maintaining a healthy community and supportive group of people in my life that will point me towards the Lord.

That I can email in the middle of the day that I am dealing with something bigger them me, and they all respond within the hour. Or if after the passing of midnight- respond within minutes just to say that they are beside me in thought and prayer, and that I am not alone.

We are not alone. Not really. Sometimes we are lonely and sometimes we want to pack up ourselves and become an island. I will be the first to admit that. I am sometimes the queen of wanting to disengage. Take myself out of the equation. If I feel like its too much, or too big my instinct is to run. Thankfully, I don't. Not anymore.

I stay.

On the phone. In email banter. In prayer. In thought. In embraces. In vulnerability.

I stay.

For what has come, to pass. And for what is to come, to arrive.

A child of divorce, grown into an adult of a scattered and rearranged family... I am terrified of marriage. I am terrified of being known, and left. I am terrified of abandonment. Of promises not kept, and commitments broken. Of settling for what is easy, instead of fighting for what is right. I am terrified of the transparency, and I am terrified of the intimacy.

Yet. I have known it, all. The good and the bad. And I've seen it work and I've seen it fail. The Lord has provided great, good, amazing Godly people that have broken their word, left me, and returned again. He has also shown me in sunrises and while on foreign soil that He has remained. In the Valley and up the side of the majestic mountain.

He has stayed.

He has remained.

He has promised to forever.

From that truth lives a hope. A sincere prayer. That I would be wise and cautious. Guarded but open. Trying not to hold onto the fear and cynicism I have felt come and go with time and circumstance from my own family experience, and events as of late.

Hopeful. And trying to rest.

In the truth.

And not letting the burden and heartache I feel for those I love struggling through their own battles define my perception of the future. To be emphatic, supportive, loving, and encouraging. But not... define. Only made more like Christ in my continued ache and need for His presence, and shaped by his defining and life changing love.

Yes. That truth.

teleporter?

i would give anything.

to be right here.

right now.

two worlds.

Feels a little bit like two worlds. I feel a little bit like I am operating out of two very different and challenging realities. I am the same, Jesus is the same. But I live in two different towns.

I just got home from a long day at work, and then a night out with some girl friends. We laughed an incredible amount, and we enjoyed each other's company. I got in my car to come home (after graciously passing on downtown Roanoke clubbing) and just thought quietly to myself that I am living part time back and forth in two completely different worlds.

The great thing about this- is that I am the same in both. Just sometimes depending on the crowd, different parts of my personality dominate. Though I am secure and thankful that regardless of the group dynamic that if any singular person were to show up, or leave, that the essence of me would remain. That is due to a lot of prayer and self awareness from JC.

Yesterday JJ, Leah and I had a girls day. It began with mani/pedi's, and I of course made friends with the lady sitting on my left side and chatted it up with her for awhile. We went to the mall, grabbed lunch, went to a movie, and then JJ and I went out to dinner. It was a great day with girls from work whom I love. I worked hard to push myself at dinner to be truly authentic in some pretty big life decisions with JJ and she was receptive to my concerns and questions. I was grateful for the opportunity to share bigger things then just the drama of a work day.

Tonight before seeing Bridesmaids with Kaitlyn we went to our signature Saturday hang out from this winter, and shared an appetizers and enjoyed happy hour. We hadn't been in ages, and the bartender welcomed our return. It was the first time we'd been without Alexis and the crew, and I admit there were moments I missed him. But we laughed, and giggled, and just enjoyed the time. A hysterical arrival at the movie theatre and a night was has had. It was great.

However, yesterday between the mall and movie we stopped into work to pick up paychecks. I didn't want to go in. Just wanted one day that I didn't get stopped for a question, didn't have to be an employee. Was just going to be myself out with a couple of girlfriends. However, I went in and a minute later looked to the door to walk out.

It was then that I saw Chad walk through the first set of doors and I just smiled. Yesterday was Chad's birthday and I love birthdays, and so to see him unexpectedly walk into work to say hello on his birthday? winner. I introduced him to faces he didn't know from his previous visit and we went outside to talk for awhile. Leah and JJ both met Chad at the Super Bowl extravaganza, and so after awhile they joined us outside and we talked for awhile. Gave him some advice, held him a little accountable, laughed, and was just happy to see him and talk.

I was able to enjoy Chad, and these two friends from work at the same time. The worlds could collide and there wasn't a compromise of me. I was the same. I was thankful that Chad was driving by and even though my car wasn't there still stopped in just to see if I was there. It was my life at home, in the zip code I pay property tax and rest my head on the pillow at night, merging even if only for a little bit with the place I spend over 40 hours a week.

I felt more loved in that 20 minutes by being able to experience two aspects of life I love so much at the same time (the work BFF's with Lex BFF's), then I could even begin to describe yesterday as the girls and I went on our way to the movie, and Chad went off to celebrate Steve-o at the rehearsal dinner.

One can't do what I've been doing forever. Its been a really hard, really exhausting, and really challenging life set up the 9 months. I sometimes have to choose between creating community in Roanoke, over the community I have in Lexington. And sometimes because I'm too tired, I choose neither and pick my house and Gracie. Or I go visit Kristyn and Mandy and soak up as much goodness and love as possible.

I wanted to move to Indy last year so I could worship, work, and live all in one place. Build relationships in my community, that impact my community. Not to be spread out all over the place and just feeling like I'm only getting to dig deep part of the time.

I think about moving to Roanoke. I think about moving out of this house and moving down the road by 50 miles.

But then I think about how much I love this house, and the life I do live here that I don't see often. And then I realize that it feels like I live in two worlds because I do, and because I have chosen it. Because I am fiercely attached to the one here, and I am not ready to choose ease of a commute over the intimacy I have grown to love and appreciate here.

So I am trying to figure out how to make it work.

How to piece together more balance.

How to continue to grow in Christ and fellowship with His people.

How to be a light in a dark dark place at work.

How to remember to take time to read a book on the hammock.

How to prioritize chores and laundry which I've sucked at since the Fall.

How to write more letters.

And call more people back.

Be a better and more intentional friend.

Send care packages like I used to.

Remember to take pictures because I need it.

And to hug. Yes. Hug more.

Two worlds. It's hard. But there are BRIGHT moments like yesterday when I am able to be in two places at one time, and be authentically me. Thankful for the girls and so much laughter the past few days, and for Chad- who would've thought after years of so much push and pull he would become such a great encourager and safe place to trust?

stand by me.

I was off today. I spent the greater part of the day in the company of a beloved woman, picking her brain for wisdom, advice, and insight. I have not seen Barb in almost exactly one year. I saw her on my way to Connecticut before I helped plan my Sister's wedding, and before Oregon, and before China. It's crazy how fast a year goes and how incredibly intense everything was that I had to update. A break up story or two, a dysfunctional parent, boundaries, embracing motherhood in China, tackling long time battles: and winning, starting a new job, deciding its time to move on from that job 8 months later... the highs and lows of being treated for a syndrome which will not kill me, but does drive me absolutely crazy... and mostly: how much I have known so tenderly and honestly the love of the Savior.

I was told some hard and valid truths about some relationships that I continue to struggle with understanding honorable boundaries, and safety nets. I can celebrate that I have become someone who can be led, and isn't always operating out of a fierce combative and defensive stance.

I listened. I talked. I left challenged and loved. It was divine.

Then I got in my car.

Mandy called. I had just gotten my iced coffee and two munchkins. We caught up a little bit and then I sort of went off. I couldn't help but just cry a little bit.

One thing that Barb said that struck a cord was that relationships are meant to provide vulnerability and accountability.

I love people. But one thing that I have to fight for, is to be open and vulnerable about my heart and what I'm struggling with. I learned from a young age that I'm not often made a priority by those who should have loved me differently. It is my greatest insecurity and worry that I am a burden. I won't call sometimes because I just don't want to pester someone. I don't often ask for a place to stay if I'm in town, because I don't want to impose on someone else' space. I don't talk about my life first, because I think somewhere its more important to be the one who asks and listens always. I have to fight myself to get to a place where I can openly and freely speak. And keep talking.

When I start spilling, there is always a moment in which I panic in the vulnerability and I apologize. For rambling, for crying, for talking in circles, for not making sense. There is one person in my life that has handled me gracefully and with a lot of patience in that place. Whenever I start back tracking or getting freaked out by myself, their response was always consistent, "Its ok. Keep going."

The invitation was always there. It meant more then "keep rambling", it meant, "you are getting to the heart of the matter. I will wait with and for you to get there." It always meant, "I will stand by you." Sometimes I wish that I could carbon copy that part of that person I can be so authentic with and create bits and pieces of them everywhere. It has been a rarity to find someone who can listen, love, and pull out so much of my heart so effortlessly.

We need relationships because we need accountability. We need relationships because we need vulnerability. We need these two things. We need them but we hate them. We hate being honest about how we are more then, "good and fine". We need them so much it hurts us when we avoid them.

In growing up and changing and maturing and evolving I know that my feelings matter, my journey matters, and the hidden deep part of my heart that doesn't always embrace its strength- deserves to win over the insecurity and doubt.

I recently was talking to someone about the way that they've handled some truly difficult things in their life. I was trying with delicacy and tenderness to call out behavior that had been hurtful, and that they've changed. I missed the old them. I didn't know the new them. The new them had hurt me. The old them had disappeared. I told them that at some point in the journey they stopped communicating. Period.

Their response, "Talking about it doesn't change it."

My heart.

Sunk.

I saw someone I knew. I saw someone I used to be, in who they had become. I saw the reflection of a girl that could not talk about her feelings, and so her feelings buried her. They buried me alive.

I said to this person whom I've loved and cared for so much, for so long, "talking about it might change 'it', but not talking about it changes YOU."

It was like reaching out a lifeline, an empathetic whisper, 'please come to the surface. please come back to me.'

We all want someone to come in and hold our hands while we fall apart.

We all want someone to wipe tears from our face with tenderness and grace.

We all want to screw up and be forgiven.

We all want to be pursued and protected.

We all want to talk and be heard.

We all want to be wanted and needed.

We all want someone to stand by us for a lifetime.

But to have all of that, we first need to be in relationships that matter, that have substance, that wound and scar us, and lead us to healing in Christ. We all have to be vulnerable for the accountability and we all have to be in relationship for that to happen.

I am struggling with some core issues regarding this topic right now. And because I know that talking about it, doesn't necessarily change the person or people I am specifically struggling with-- I know sincerely that who I've become cannot die to the behaviors of my past which have hurt me and others. But. The bratty spoiled brat little kid that I am says it is too hard, and I want to hide until the rain passes. Until the clouds clear. Until it looks safe outside again.

Today in tears I explained my doubt and my cynicism with Mandy. I told her what I know it stems from. She agreed it was time to get out of the situation and break free.

She in one moment took my hand, wiped a tear, pursued and protected me, heard my heart, wanted to be my friend, and chose to stand by me. For a lifetime. Just like Barb did for the hours I spent in her company this afternoon. Because relationships matter. I need them. And with these two women today, I was able to see with crystal clarity: that I am worth it, and that I am not alone. ever.

cynical.

The truth is, working in the Bridal Industry I should be a sucker for romance and happy endings.

I'm not.

Today I took a phone call for a Bridesmaid that needed to cancel her dress order because "The bride has decided to stay with her husband, and isn't getting married to the guy she had an affair with."

What is the appropriate response?

In the past few days I've dealt with a few cancelled weddings. One girl had her fiance break it off for no reason, just changed his mind. The other girl I could not understand because she was so emotional. The other two faded into memories of what I've already heard before.

I'm a great listener. Yes. I am a great talker. True. However it is when dealing with the emotional outburst and breakdown of others that I know the Lord best gives me the patience to listen. To hear them out. To care for them well. I do this without complaining. It's part of the selection of gifts that the Lord has called me to use.

People settle. People get married to people just to wear a dress and have a day. I meet people everyday who explain that its their 2nd or 3rd wedding, and they aren't looking for the "virgin white dress". I talk to their friends and loved ones who criticize everything about choices of colors, flowers, food, and most especially their future spouses. I listen and I listen and I listen.

What I really want to do is pull them all outside the building and give them a good talking to. But I can't. There are professional boundaries to respect and keep.

I look at the past year of my life- from today May of 2011 and go back to May of 2010 and I know that there are definitely reasons why I would struggle with cynicism. I don't think I realized to the extent in which the degree of negativity I had arrived to in my head until tonight.

People don't call when they say they will. I know this because I don't call when I say I will. I owe Mandy four phone calls. People walk out and leave. I know this because I have divorced parents. People mean well, but cycles continue. I know this because I continue to be hurt by them.

At the end of the day we all want to know that we are loved and that we matter. We want to know that some promises and pinkie swears are going to be kept for a lifetime. Most of the time, I believe that those things are true. I know and trust the Lord's provision and His love with out a doubt. When it comes to the intentions and relationships with earthly fallen men and women... I must admit in the most secret and hurt place of my heart... I am on the fence.

Why and when did that happen?

Tonight I came home to an email. It was a painful one to read. A suffering marriage. Someone I love wrote to reach out, to get input and advice, and to be loved. My heart broke, ached, and just fell into a handful of pieces. My reaction to this person was obviously different then the broken situations I deal with at work, but there were core similarities. I sat and I read it, and I thought carefully to myself about what the appropriate response should be. What would make the most impact. What scripture could I write out to encourage this loved one?

The part of me that I most fight for knew that the best and only thing to say was, "I love you. I am here. For whatever it is you need, for however long it takes, and for whatever needs to happen. I am praying." If that part of me hadn't shown up I think I would have to had to raise my hand and call Mandy and Matt to the dining room table for a self imposed intervention.

Bridal Business should be my home. It should be the most perfect place to be relational, enthusiastic, and creative. It has left me recently more jaded and cynical about relationships as a whole. It fuels my independent streak. Makes me self reliant, and defiant. It has hardened edges in which at one point were so tender.

Now that I've been able to put words to this ache in my heart that I've felt recently, I am praying how to not let my my own hurt and defenses prevent me from experiencing Godly, mature, and loving relationships with people in my life that seek to pursue me well.

I have amazing, amazing, amazing, wonderful, amazing relationships in my life. The people who matter most to me have been active, participating, encouraging people for many many years. I know that my life is rich with the love we are able to exchange because we understand and support the pursuit of Godly intention. Being around these people pulls me out of the miry pit in which I sometimes get swallowed up by in my current career field.

People settle. People don't want to be alone. People want the cake, the dance, the dress. People want what is easy. People want what makes sense, now not later. People want what they want.

Fighting to live a life that does not settle is hard. Finding comfort in Christ, so that being alone while waiting isn't lonely, is hard. Understanding in my core that its not the cake, the dance, or the dress is hard. Choosing hard because its what is right, is hard. Waiting for clarity when life is confusing is hard. Giving up what we want for what God has for us and desires for us... is hard.

But.

It's.

So.

Worth.

It.

So I suppose as Midnight passes I am thankful that while I understand the weight in my heart that is sad for the broken relationships and poor choices I see being made- that I am able to still see how much God desires for us to be made whole in HIM, not each other. How that relationship will open doors, heal wounds, and provide a platform for lasting relationships to prevail in a world in which everything feels so temporary. I'm thankful that Mandy keeps calling even though I've not called her back. I'm thankful that when I feel safe and secure I can sit on the couch and cry, talk, laugh, share and care with someone who does not judge the sharp edges I am currently trying to soften. I'm thankful that I know I am loved as I am, and where I'm at.

I'm thankful that I know I'm not alone in this life. And that everything that feels so hard and so sad is not a burden in which I carry on my own.

I know that I'm lucky. I know that I have so much light, love, and laughter in my life.

But I am feeling a little jaded. I am feeling a little beat up. I am feeling a little tired. Which leaves me altogether feeling a little sad, a little empty, and a little bit like being an island.

And that's just one thing I've been thinking about in circles while making my daily commute.

Confusion.

It's Sunday.

I'm in a really weird place in my heart. I don't know how to best describe it.

I have driven to and from work not particularly aware of how I get there and back. Just have been zoned out- or more accurately zoned IN. Thinking about a lot of really hard stuff. You know, the stuff you think you've completely figured out, only to have months later show its face again saying, "ooh so yeah... about that..."

It's not all bad stuff. Some of it has been productive.

Though I will be honest its mostly left me confused. And I don't do confused well. Actually it turns me into a 13 year old girl that was just told that she was grounded for two months two days before summer vacation was supposed to start. It makes me feel defiant, immature, and just anxious.

The truth is I think my confusion makes me most honest before the Lord.

I think it forces me out of myself and into the one thing that matters. What does the Lord say/think/feel about whatever it is that happens to force me into an quiet confounded version of me?

I know that is the place and part of me the Lord most wants to work in my heart and refine me. I know that in order for the edges to be made less sharp I need to embrace that which I don't understand, and am at a loss most about.

It's not that I think confusion is bad. Or unproductive. Sometimes its dangerous. It's been a word that has been used against me, and has been hurtful. And sometimes it makes me worry.

But right now, I'm just quiet. I'm thinking through, and asking questions. Lots of questions. And I'm waiting for the words for the questions I've yet to articulate. The distance between two points in my daily routine has been polluted and dominated with the exploration of the internal thought process.

And Jesus. Wading with me through the journey. Bringing into focus and sharp perspective, He goes before me, and He walks with me. And so... I suppose thinking so much and so long and praying so tenderly are the upsides to how I just don't know the answers to some questions and am just confused.

Yes. There's an upside. So thankful for that. ;)

graduation.

There aren't really words.

I have spent the greater part of the past two days trying to break down how I feel, and what I think about the 5 days I spent in Indianapolis celebrating Sister's College Graduation.

Tonight at dinner Drew asked me what the highlight was.

I had so many more to mention then just one.

Praise the Lord for that.

There will be a postcard for top thoughts on that.

But for now, a grateful heart rests in reflecting and appreciating a very fun

and thought provoking five days together with and as 'family'.

marathons.

A post on Mandy's Blog is below (which she stole from a friend of a friend, which makes me stealing it that much more fun). I fell in love with it. I just came home from a very emotional outburst conversation with Matty. I was the emotional outburst, he was the very stable man that led and loved me well. God Bless Him... seriously he is one of the greatest men I know. I came home just wiped... out. In a way that felt permanent and heavy... but known and protected. Life's marathon feels long right now. And I'm in a place that I've made a very hard choice, and I know that it will hurt both myself and someone else. That's hard. But, I'm thankful that the road of life is not meant to be tackled all at once. I have said a lot recently the following simple but tenderly weighted statement: "I'm content in the pace of life, right now". I don't often feel like that is true about me in general... but for the past few weeks as I have explored, debated, and fought through tough questions, I have found my heart rest and be confident in what is true right now. Not yesterday, and not what I hope to be true tomorrow. The pace of that journey has been a long uphill battle, but its one that I have truly grown the most in and have let happen in its due time. Not rushed.

Easter Sunday I watched a video that accompanied a song that was being performed on stage by the music team. I can't remember much about the song except the word "key" was in it, and I am obsessed with keys. The video begins with a man waking up to begin his day, making his coffee, and then running out of his apartment. It is not yet day light, and he is just running. Running so hard and so fast. And then he gets to what he is running to. The ocean. The beach is spread wide before him, and there others that have gathered to watch, and together they wait for what is to come- the sun.

I sat and reflected on a season of Lent in which I spent so much time appreciating the morning and fighting through the struggle to pursue and embrace it well. I have written about it here, and the postcard blog, and I've talked about it with friends. The video just captured me. The real me. The me I've become.

In the past year the biggest thing that has changed about me, is that I've not been blinded or confounded by the darkness. Blinded by darkness? Yes. I've not been so entrenched, distracted, or hurt by how the darkness makes me believe the lie that I'm not worth fighting for. I have finally been able to break free of that, and have run so hard towards the light that brings life to the day. Running.Hard. Towards that freedom. The video Easter morning was a poignant and profound reminder that we are not who we were, for Christ makes us new each day.

Last year on Easter I was telling someone a memory of betrayal from childhood. I was sharing because I wanted to share the secret I had only shared with one other friend. I was not embraced, or touched in my admission. I can't say that there has been a more vulnerable and lonely moment in an other's company in my life. But, I was able to speak and that was a victory. Later that day I wrote on my blog:

"The meaning behind the word freedom has been a work in progress my entire life, though I have not always been aware of the larger picture. I sit here, in 2010 acutely aware of things that I have held captive in my heart unable to share or speak of because of fear, and have now seen how my life in many ways has been in bondage to the fear, the secrets, the past, the violations of trust and the hurts that I never took the time to address, talk about, or heal. I didn't know what would come of those big and small moments at the time, "I didn't know how to find my way through it, so instead I found my way around it" (quoted from a book I recently read which I identified with). I know now. The suppression, the running, the evasion has come to a end."

Everything that came after that trip stripped me down to what I had prayed for. The freedom. It was the bottom, but it was also the top. It was the darkness, but it was also the light. It was everything. I had no idea where I'd have to go, or what would have to happen to truly live what I had hoped for and written above.

But it did come.

Sunday morning I sat and sang along with the congregation about the wondrous cross. I remembered quietly to myself the plea and desire of my heart one year ago, that had not yet been filled. I recognized in my voice, my posture, and in my tears... That I am a different woman. And I love her. She has always been worth the fight, just now I believe it. I also wrote that day, "Easter is Freedom. It is love in action. Sacrificial. Unconditional."

I can't begin to explain how having that focus of freedom in the cross, freedom in the empty tomb, freedom in a God that loves me, and a life designed to run with pursuit and focus on the light of the world has made me appreciate the greater race we run. And how sprints, are just a waste and burst of energy.

The pace of life right now is good. Great even. And my ability to be transparent, real, honest, scared, happy, anxious, and authentic with people that love, protect, and challenge me has allowed this marathon of a life to be beautiful.

The post from last Easter can be found here: It Will Be Worth It.

Below is the blog posts from Mandy about marathon's that she stole. It is brilliant. The bold parts are my added emphasis.

Stolen words from Kevin Bacon

Okay, the words aren't really from Kevin Bacon. I found these marvelous words on the blog of a friend of a friend; which made me think of seven degrees of separation, which clearly leads to Kevin Bacon. All that to say, I read this and my heart sighed. It found a kindred spirit in Mr. Bacon. Therefore, I will let the words "he" wrote speak for my heart...

"We are running marathons. Nothing is a sprint except an actual sprint.

And yet, I think in terms of sprints. I think short-term, I think here and now and do little to consider the future. I do it with relationships, friendships, finances and more; whatever feels good now is what I'll do. I distill my world to 140 character status updates, and do not consider the punctuation marks I use may not be correct. The place I put a period may be where God wanted a semicolon, changing what I thought was an end into merely a pause. I don't look far enough ahead to understand the difference.

The question I struggle with is how am I to learn to live a marathon life in a world that thinks in sprints?

I want to train to pace myself, to work up to the hills and stretch the parts of me that get overworked along the way. I want to understand that the blisters I get are not because I'm a terrible person or a failure, but because I am a person who is running and blisters happen to runners. In the marathon world, I must pay close attention to what I take in and where I'm going. If I'm to run the race marked out for me, training for the long-distance and not the immediate future is the difference between standing at the finish line and giving up before I can see it."