The Elevation of A Mood

I had a Dr. apt on Monday. It was not a good one. It was a good experience in that I was heard, and I knew that my concerns were met with equal curiosity and caution. I know and trust my Dr. I have known her for years. But we are at a crossroads with what our action plan is, and I am experiencing some things that do not make sense. At all.

But. I'm not a runner anymore. I have a natural knee jerk reaction, and I have a natural survival instinct. But I have stopped putting those two things that have held me back and held me in, as the first options. Instead I sat with a professional physician whom I trust, and I listened. And I committed to the plan for the next 6 weeks before I went back for the follow up. We will see.

I want to not listen to her, and I don't really want to do what she asks (cutting down carbs to an unheard of quantity and the removal of gluten for a week). I don't want to think and worry and calculate that much. I don't want to have to plan and over analyze every thing to a different and more intense degree then I already do. My biggest worry when leaving was that I would revert to old habits of control with my sugar intake, and in order to stay low that I would skip meals. When I traveled solo I did this all the time. It was in part due to distraction, and laziness, but also because I personally felt better. I don't know how to make sense of it. I once got yelled at by a friend whom said, "on a biological level Kari, you CAN'T feel better when you skip a meal. You just can't. Our bodies don't work like that." They were intensely yelling at me, cautioning me against the control in my head and heart, and trying to get me to talk about it. I wasn't in a place I could even begin to talk about it. But now... I can.

Looking back I can see clear as day that while I did not have a diagnosed eating disorder, that I was struggling with control, and I was depressed. I did not know it. It masked itself so cleverly that if you didn't know me well, you had no idea. But more then what it disguised itself as to the world, it did a more magnificant act to me. To myself. Last May I was in Connecticut I was literally falling apart at the seems. I was so hurt by things happening during my visit home, and I tried talking about it, but had no where to go. Everyone felt too busy, or disengaged. I know that is my perception of that period, but perception is reality and its how I felt. By the time I left my sisters and headed West I was a shell. I literally felt like with each step I was more and more drained from the inside out. I was driving to Seattle one afternoon shortly after K and I got to Oregon. I was quietly driving as K and T slept. And I just had tears. Pouring down my face. I would drive by miles of windmills, and I kept thinking about Jenny from Forest Gump, "If I were a bird, I would fly far far away from here." During that period I was still a runner. I dug deep. I drove and in my heart I was digging, as far as I could go so that I could bury what I was hurting about. By the time I got to Seattle, and spent time there I had not just buried that which had hurt me, but I had buried me.

A few days later I got a nap. A 6 hour nap. I woke up a whole completely different person. Often we are not able to recognize a moment, or acknowledge a moment when everything was about to change. That night, after my nap- I knew that everything was about to flip upside down, and that I needed to get ready.

So I did.

And it did.

The bottom is a hard place. But because I know and love Christ- I knew that as I dropped, I was also being lifted and raised up. Simultaneously. It was the most intimate and divine experience I can recall regarding my walk with the Lord in recent years.

And so the veil has been lifted and since June of last year the weight has dissipated. I have done better with those illusions of control and their lack of significance- then I have in 5 years. That was the victory for me with my Dr. on Monday. She went through her list of questions trying to determine where I was at, and she looked at me and said "Depression? Mood Swings?".

I wanted to say gone.

I wanted to say I didn't know what they were anymore.

I wanted to say I conquered them.

I wanted to say I never had to worry about them again.

But that is not the truth.

The truth is, due to my biological make up and hormone madness I will always have to be mindful of my moods, and depression. I am thankful that I do not have to take medicine to elevate or remove their struggle. The Lord has done such tender things in my awareness the past 10 months of my life, and I have learned and seen so much of myself. Every part of me that grew and moved forward in each abroad adventure, but then got lost upon arrival home have all returned to me. Its amazing. I am able to rest, and breathe in and out... and remain clear.

Clear on what matters.

I am worth the battle to figure out what is happening with my body. I have felt for over a year something was off, and wrong. I just didn't know what it was. I still don't know what it is. But I'm on a path. I am able to see how I hurt family and friends with my words, moods, and silence the past few years. I am thankful that my pushing and pulling, didn't remove all the people that mattered most.

This fall I said to Nikki that I was terrified that this stability, joy, freedom, and gratitude was going to leave. I was scared that what I'd established I'd lose again. I knew that I had it before, for most of my life, but that in the past 5 years it slowly left me. I believe in my heart that I was loved well in friendship by people who knew something but didn't know how to approach me about it. I believe and remember great, great days with people I love. Drives through the mountains to take pictures. Coffee runs and afternoons after Church. Riding Roller coasters and Airplanes. My life the past 5 years have been a dream of adventure and exploration. And honestly, even knowing what was lost now, I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

But there was a heaviness. And now that, that has been removed. I grieve a time and period in which I let my control bury me, instead of allowing Christ transform me... each day being made new.

Life now?

Is intense. I am dealing with very hard and big questions about the future.

But on Monday afternoon I went for a road trip to W'burg with JJ after my apt at UVA. We laughed so hard. We sang along to Gaga, Glee, and empowering ballads. I heard me.

In the midst of what is hard, what is unknown, I am able to still love, sing, laugh, and be FREE knowing I am not in the slightest bit of control of what is coming- but I am entirely in control of how much I give up to the Lord, and give away in love for Him. So He gets everything. And the depth of my relationships are new.

It's a different life.

Have you experienced the light after the darkness?

Have you been held in prayer by those who love you, waiting for the dawn to break?

Are you in the middle of that road now?

There is someone to call. There is someone there waiting. For the silence to be broken.

Take a leap. Make a call. Speak the truth.

You are not alone. You are loved. Don't give up.