Conversation & Home

It is Thursday night, and the house is quiet. The moon is bright, and with all the lights off- there is a glow to the room. I love it. I drove home tonight with the sunroof open and heat on my feet. I am a child of warmer weather, and now that its coming- I feel like I become more alive and settled. It's amazing.

Sunday night Jessica and Kristyn arrived, and we made dinner together, and had Sarah, Drew, Ryan, and Matt over for it and games. When everyone left we found ourselves in my office. Kristyn sat with Gracie on the oversized chair, Jessica and I on the floor along the wall... and we just talked for hours. About everything. We cried together like girls do when they talk about their feelings in a safe place, and we laughed like girls do when they share things that drive them crazy about life. Jessica at one point noted, "this is why I came out here." in regards to a difficult point in conversation in which I tried assuring her of the truth. Gracie was restless from the chair, and went to the floor and when I called her over to me she dragged herself across the carpet to my lap. We sat that way for a long time. Jessica went to bed and Kristyn went to her room... I followed her in and we talked for a good while longer. I was awake, and exhausted, but I missed her and it was worth staying up to well past 2:30am to talk. I would have stayed up all night with her if I felt like I could, but finally I went to bed. Content. The house was alive with sisterhood. That feeling... is priceless.

Monday we had a water issue at my house and had to shower at Matty's, went through Wendy's with a towel on Jessica's head and looking like we'd just had water dumped on us. We went out for bowling, dinner, we enjoyed the company of each other, and again on Monday night- after we'd spent the whole day together, changed into PJ's, and made our way one by one to the couch where we stayed up again for hours, talking. The real kind, just like the night before. We talked about relationships, love, forgiveness, hope, reconciliation, my experience with Whitney, my dream and vision for my future. I loved it. Everything about it.

Then the next night, Kristyn and I had probably the most profound conversation I've ever had with someone. It happened after I was supposed to go to bed, but it happened when it was supposed too. Life is funny like that. At 2am I had to get up from the couch so I could be up at 7am for work. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go to sleep and wake up and miss it.

I write this list of conversations only to say that to have just written a blog entry about transparency, I am humbled how the Lord prepares us, and uses EVERYTHING together... because I just had the most meaningful conversations I have ever had, this week. I have been so moved, humbled, and touched by the transparency and vulnerability of both Jessica and Kristyn, that I can only say that my heart has been changed by it.

Sometimes we look so hard in the wrong direction for something we miss, someone we want to know, someplace we want to be- that we fail to just sit. And be. In the place we are, with the people before us, and just explore. Talk. Share. Battle out. Laugh. Reveal. Be present.

Who in your life can you be with, and not think of every other last thing?

In whose company you are able to find all of those things and more?

Is it scary?

Do you avoid it?

Do you miss it?

Have you lost home?

Do you forget what it felt or looked like?

This week I've heard how my friendship has made a difference. And that it matters.

Their stories are intricate, and they are painful. But they are beautiful because they shared it. I am inspired by that.

I asked Kristyn at some point Tuesday night, well past the time for me to be in bed,

"where do you feel at home?"

She thought carefully.

I saw her process through images as she looked out into space as she contemplated.

As she was quiet, I was quiet in my own thoughts thinking the question through for myself.

I am at home when I feel safe.

Loved. Protected.

I always feel at home with the Lord because He is the source of true security and protection.

I feel at home when I'm with Matt because I know he is protective of my heart.

I feel at home with my brother because when we are together I know I am not alone.

I feel at home with Mandy because I can always tell her the truth.

I feel at home with Kristyn because we have become real.true.sisters. (always.)

I feel at home while sitting on a bench at the edge of the pier, when I'm still with my own thoughts.

I feel at home while swinging on the hammock and Gracie sleeping underneath.

I feel at home at the river's edge with Mandy and Kristyn, reading books, eating Uncrustables, and swimming upstream.

I feel at home when I'm able to be real, honest, vulnerable, and transparent before someone pursuing my heart honorably and with integrity.

This week.

Was all about that.

All.

About.

It.

And I am one very humbled and grateful girl.