Doubt.

Today I heard said, "Doubt means don't."

It was used to explain the experiences in life in which we take a second to pause or question in the midst of judging a situation. Is it safe? Can this person be trusted? Can I be trusted in this scenario? If we doubt, or have hesitation, then this means... don't. Listen to yourself. Follow your intuition. It's yours: trust it.

Last night Matt left the house and before he left I asked him if he was mad or disappointed in a decision I made this week. He said no, and that I make good decisions (which was a nice thought). I knew that I made a choice that would not make sense to those intimately involved, but I knew without a doubt that it was the right thing.

There was no doubt. The lack of doubt meant yes.

Recently I've been thinking about and breaking apart the notion and experience of doubt. Wanting to understand when its good and healthy, and then other times when it could be considered dangerous or distracting.

I struggle most with doubt when the context relies on, or is at the mercy of someone else. Trusting that their choice is the best for the situation, regardless of how I might feel- knowing how much their discretion will impact my heart, life, and future.

What do you do when you feel doubt, there?

Most of the time its in the midst of relationship status determinations. Recently I found myself in a moment with someone when I knew in my gut that it was the right thing to call it out now as friendship, and reset the course. I knew that for me, it was the wise and mature choice.

I knew it wasn't worth settling for something that would be good, instead of having something great. For having something that would be easy, instead of fighting for something that could be hard. I knew that the journey to my choice was not going to be understood, but that being a Christian woman who'd already prayed so much about it, was deeply rooted in truth- and in that place, there is no room for doubt.

However, having been on the flip side of choices where I was not sure, or convicted of a different choice... I am made more aware that regardless of the side of the coin you are on- the best and most we can hope for regardless of the outcome, is that we are sure.

I was sure to make a phone call this week.

I was sure to scale back and slow down the accelerated track I was on, and re-establish it in a friendship with someone who did not understand.

I was sure to pause in my intuition and recognize that when able to be still and silent- God speaks most tenderly.

Doubt means don't.

I shouldn't skip my work out, but I want too- do the work out Kari. Don't skip.

I shouldn't ignore that email, but I don't know what to say- but that pause means that I should just start by writing what is true. Don't procrastinate.

I should stop for gas, I will run out, but I don't want to stop- I just want to be home- you will run out of gas, just stop and fill up the tank.

I should let it go, because I am being told too, but I do not agree- stand strong in conviction, to remain prayerful and focused. Don't give up.

There are so many moments in the day that I second guess or rethink something and I don't even notice it. I'm thankful that I can adjust, and move along the changed course.

I am learning how to handle and be free in my spirit and heart when I have doubt in context of the heart, and how to be secure and joyful when I am absolutely sure. I know that removing people doesn't quiet the voice inside, and at some point she will be screaming so loud that it will be impossible to hear anything else. When finally, I acknowledge her significance and she says back, "Kari... seriously, why was that so hard?'

I believe God works in everything. I believe He speaks to us in everything. Somethings we can see, somethings we touch, somethings we hear, and somethings we just feel. But... He is everywhere. I have no doubt at the majesty of His hand or the tenderness of His spirit. And while I doubt daily about the small and big picture, I will remember that the pause in the midst of a small moment, or a huge life altering decision- is often to give us the opportunity to choose differently and better... and that often leads us, to No.

Which... is hard for a girl who often just wants to hear and say Yes.