I went to Thailand a few days before Christmas 2007, so I was able to exchange gifts with friends and family before my trip. The last house dinner before the Holiday we had a family gift exchange, dinner, and birthday cake for Jesus. Of all of the house dinners the past three years, that night is still among one of my most treasured. Matty gave me the most perfect gift... a Moleskine with prompts, questions, and thoughts to send me off to Thailand, accompanied by three CD's that he had made specifically for my trip tucked away inside the back pocket.
Across the world, I went through his gift, and as each page turned I celebrated the gift of his friendship he wrote on the pages with his own thoughts and questions for me on my journey. I found myself returning to the play lists he created more and more and as I continued through the month away, I would send emails back about one particular song that I loved, or any random thought I had while I was listening to it. Matt was in Thailand. I think what blows me away even now, as I continue to celebrate and appreciate what that trip was, is how "the boys" in their distinctive ways spoke to me during that time, encouraged me, and helped guide me through what was at times difficult and painful and brought me back home again. With modern technology I was able to see Tex via iChat, and got to hang out with him a couple of times, and with the gift Matt has in selecting magical sets of music- I had a soundtrack to every moment in which I needed to escape into my thoughts with the help of my iPod.
Not wanting to leave for Europe without having a similar experience with Matt's friendship, one night I asked him if he would make me a play list. He says now that there is different pressure because he knows that I am the over analytical song lyric thinker, so when he made it- it was with a different objective. It's true. I think about each song, I listen to each lyric, I have ones that I love, ones that I don't particularly favor... some make me laugh, some make me cry... some pull my heart into a thousand different directions- and others bring me back home in my heart even while far away.
I wrote in my previous entry that I have not been listening to my iPod, that I've wanted to have all my senses open and aware as I move through the city streets, museums, churches, and sitting in Piazza's scattered across Italy. That thought is still true. Today however, I finished my errands and wanted to write. I just wanted to finish my last day in Florence sitting in my room, in my favorite chair (which I still regret I didn't take a picture of), and just write. To myself. To the Lord. To home. I knew that I wouldn't be able to send a single email that I wrote, but they are waiting... they are ready. I decided to start spending the time going through the 4 CD long play list Matty made for me. It is no coincidence that some of my favorite writing of my trip came today in the midst of laughing at some of the songs, tearing up at others, and just listening....
Tonight I sit at a cafe in the Firenze Aeroporto. I still don't have wireless... I still don't have the capacity to send any one of the novels I wrote to those I love, but I wanted to read some of the things I wrote and to reflect on the honesty that was able to pour out without distraction or pretentiousness. I clicked on a song, on Disc 2, and was greeted by Jennifer Knapp's prayer in her song "Refine Me". I may have just crumbled at this table... and if not for the people surrounding me I would be a puddle of tears. Wednesday was a hard day. I was anxious, tired, and just scared much of the morning and well into the afternoon. I couldn't shake thoughts of grief, that someone at home died, I don't know... I was just in a state of fear that I can't describe and I couldn't really pull myself out of. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to call home and seem panicked and worry anyone who would answer, but the anxiety was real. There was no one here to make it better, and there was nothing said to ease the burden. I was alone, here, to contemplate and pray that it would subside and for whatever reason it existed, that the Lord would make it known to me. Which is also why this particular song moves me now, after succeeded the day and triumphed over the anxiety I know deeply and truly that I was heard by the Savior, and He answered. I was alone, there was no one to touch, and there was no voice to speak common sense to me... the half day was lonely and isolating but after? Wonderful. I sought the Lord and prayed, I prayed that He would "come rescue this child". And He did.
Across the world, I went through his gift, and as each page turned I celebrated the gift of his friendship he wrote on the pages with his own thoughts and questions for me on my journey. I found myself returning to the play lists he created more and more and as I continued through the month away, I would send emails back about one particular song that I loved, or any random thought I had while I was listening to it. Matt was in Thailand. I think what blows me away even now, as I continue to celebrate and appreciate what that trip was, is how "the boys" in their distinctive ways spoke to me during that time, encouraged me, and helped guide me through what was at times difficult and painful and brought me back home again. With modern technology I was able to see Tex via iChat, and got to hang out with him a couple of times, and with the gift Matt has in selecting magical sets of music- I had a soundtrack to every moment in which I needed to escape into my thoughts with the help of my iPod.
Not wanting to leave for Europe without having a similar experience with Matt's friendship, one night I asked him if he would make me a play list. He says now that there is different pressure because he knows that I am the over analytical song lyric thinker, so when he made it- it was with a different objective. It's true. I think about each song, I listen to each lyric, I have ones that I love, ones that I don't particularly favor... some make me laugh, some make me cry... some pull my heart into a thousand different directions- and others bring me back home in my heart even while far away.
I wrote in my previous entry that I have not been listening to my iPod, that I've wanted to have all my senses open and aware as I move through the city streets, museums, churches, and sitting in Piazza's scattered across Italy. That thought is still true. Today however, I finished my errands and wanted to write. I just wanted to finish my last day in Florence sitting in my room, in my favorite chair (which I still regret I didn't take a picture of), and just write. To myself. To the Lord. To home. I knew that I wouldn't be able to send a single email that I wrote, but they are waiting... they are ready. I decided to start spending the time going through the 4 CD long play list Matty made for me. It is no coincidence that some of my favorite writing of my trip came today in the midst of laughing at some of the songs, tearing up at others, and just listening....
Tonight I sit at a cafe in the Firenze Aeroporto. I still don't have wireless... I still don't have the capacity to send any one of the novels I wrote to those I love, but I wanted to read some of the things I wrote and to reflect on the honesty that was able to pour out without distraction or pretentiousness. I clicked on a song, on Disc 2, and was greeted by Jennifer Knapp's prayer in her song "Refine Me". I may have just crumbled at this table... and if not for the people surrounding me I would be a puddle of tears. Wednesday was a hard day. I was anxious, tired, and just scared much of the morning and well into the afternoon. I couldn't shake thoughts of grief, that someone at home died, I don't know... I was just in a state of fear that I can't describe and I couldn't really pull myself out of. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to call home and seem panicked and worry anyone who would answer, but the anxiety was real. There was no one here to make it better, and there was nothing said to ease the burden. I was alone, here, to contemplate and pray that it would subside and for whatever reason it existed, that the Lord would make it known to me. Which is also why this particular song moves me now, after succeeded the day and triumphed over the anxiety I know deeply and truly that I was heard by the Savior, and He answered. I was alone, there was no one to touch, and there was no voice to speak common sense to me... the half day was lonely and isolating but after? Wonderful. I sought the Lord and prayed, I prayed that He would "come rescue this child". And He did.
I have thought that if there was one song to define my journey it would be Regina Spektor'ssong "The Call", which both Matt and Tex included on music play list's for my trip. Neither one of them knew it at the time, but I had been fairly obsessed with that song for weeks. When thinking about life, relationships, what to do and how it'd all be, I found myself singing that song to myself. Then in getting ready for leave, I was able identify to much of that song, that sometimes I wonder if she wrote it knowing that one day I would be listening to it living out each lyric. That song inspires me, moves me, and instills in this heart that both seeks and fears change- that I will return home, and "they" (those I love) will be waiting. However, Refine Me is my hopes desire for this time. It is what my heart aches and burns for, and it is my deepest prayer and most sincere hope. I came here searching for some truth, some hope, some change, some love, a lot of Jesus, a lot of who I really am... in a single note, and single word I echo Jennifer's prayer, that the Lord would take me and my heart and refine me. Create in a me a wonder that resembles Himself, not one filled with my own thoughts, wants, desires, motivations, judgements, fears, hurts, or issues.
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was fifteen. I am now twenty eight. I have walked away from Him in moments that were only an instant, and I have found myself at times in a dry, dark, lonely place seeking to understand doubt. I have made choices that have pushed me further away from His love and purpose. I have compromised what He desires for me, because I have thought I was and am so much smarter. I have forgotten the sacrifice on the cross, and that in it I am made clean. I have been angry in my hurt unable to grasp His purpose and timing. I have questioned Him more then I've trusted Him, and I have been preoccupied more then I've been on my knees simply basking in His glory and thanking Him.
In light of those things... I have seen His promise in the rainbow's. I have felt His kiss in the rain storms. I have known His grace by changes in my heart. I have heard Him in the Radio, as He knows how to get my attention that way... :)
All this time after accepting the Lord into my heart I sit here on this Thursday night, looking out at the hills of the Tuscan landscape asking for the same thing I have for the past fourteen years... Lord.... Refine Me. Change Me. Burn my Desires.
So while I have sensed that in leaving and having been gone that my heart understood the poignant lyrics in "The Call", and even now reading the lyrics I associate home with that song. I associate that song with the people I left there, and the way I will return having my memories-- and in the struggle of having them live only in my heart and not with anyone else who may have shared them. In my mind I hear the question of approaching change and growth and I desperately want to know that when I call, that there will be answer- that they'll come back. I want to know for sure, I want to touch the answer...
But while I am gone? In each sunrise, sunset, strangers smile, piece of history... in each quiet moment sitting reading, starting out in the wide open blue, in each email read from someone loving me in the distance, and in each postcard I write... I seek the Lord to use it all for His good and purpose... I seek Him to refine me during this time, and allow me to remember the goodness I found when I was alone in my thoughts and conversation with Him, when there was no one here to talk to that I knew...
Matty. Great Job. Oh Your Playlist of Wonder.
Refine Me
By: Jennifer Knapp
I come to this place
Burning to receive Your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain
You're my God and my Father
I've accepted Your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with Your fire
Burn my desires
Refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine Me
My heart can't see when I only look at me
My soul can't hear, when I only think of my own fears.
And they are gone in a moment, your forever the same
Why did I look away from you, how can I speak your name?
Lord, come with your fire, burn my desires
Refine me.
Lord, my will has deceived me, please come and free me
Come rescue this child, cause I long to be reconciled to you...
It's all I can do, to give my heart and soul to you,
and pray... and pray... and I will pray... Refine Me.
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
It's all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray... oh I will pray
Refine Me.
The Call
By: Regina Spektor
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til there was a battle cry,
I'll come back when you call me...
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it its never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
as you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when its over
No need to say goodbye,
You'll come back when its over...
No need to say goodbye.
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too,
doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes, you'll come back
When they call you, no need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say goodbye
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was fifteen. I am now twenty eight. I have walked away from Him in moments that were only an instant, and I have found myself at times in a dry, dark, lonely place seeking to understand doubt. I have made choices that have pushed me further away from His love and purpose. I have compromised what He desires for me, because I have thought I was and am so much smarter. I have forgotten the sacrifice on the cross, and that in it I am made clean. I have been angry in my hurt unable to grasp His purpose and timing. I have questioned Him more then I've trusted Him, and I have been preoccupied more then I've been on my knees simply basking in His glory and thanking Him.
In light of those things... I have seen His promise in the rainbow's. I have felt His kiss in the rain storms. I have known His grace by changes in my heart. I have heard Him in the Radio, as He knows how to get my attention that way... :)
All this time after accepting the Lord into my heart I sit here on this Thursday night, looking out at the hills of the Tuscan landscape asking for the same thing I have for the past fourteen years... Lord.... Refine Me. Change Me. Burn my Desires.
So while I have sensed that in leaving and having been gone that my heart understood the poignant lyrics in "The Call", and even now reading the lyrics I associate home with that song. I associate that song with the people I left there, and the way I will return having my memories-- and in the struggle of having them live only in my heart and not with anyone else who may have shared them. In my mind I hear the question of approaching change and growth and I desperately want to know that when I call, that there will be answer- that they'll come back. I want to know for sure, I want to touch the answer...
But while I am gone? In each sunrise, sunset, strangers smile, piece of history... in each quiet moment sitting reading, starting out in the wide open blue, in each email read from someone loving me in the distance, and in each postcard I write... I seek the Lord to use it all for His good and purpose... I seek Him to refine me during this time, and allow me to remember the goodness I found when I was alone in my thoughts and conversation with Him, when there was no one here to talk to that I knew...
Matty. Great Job. Oh Your Playlist of Wonder.
Refine Me
By: Jennifer Knapp
I come to this place
Burning to receive Your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain
You're my God and my Father
I've accepted Your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with Your fire
Burn my desires
Refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine Me
My heart can't see when I only look at me
My soul can't hear, when I only think of my own fears.
And they are gone in a moment, your forever the same
Why did I look away from you, how can I speak your name?
Lord, come with your fire, burn my desires
Refine me.
Lord, my will has deceived me, please come and free me
Come rescue this child, cause I long to be reconciled to you...
It's all I can do, to give my heart and soul to you,
and pray... and pray... and I will pray... Refine Me.
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
It's all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray... oh I will pray
Refine Me.
The Call
By: Regina Spektor
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til there was a battle cry,
I'll come back when you call me...
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it its never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
as you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when its over
No need to say goodbye,
You'll come back when its over...
No need to say goodbye.
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too,
doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes, you'll come back
When they call you, no need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say goodbye
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