Today I heard my phone ring. I reached over for it, saw who it was and answered. It was 5:30am, and I knew that I couldn't not answer it, so I moved my finger from left to right to release the ringing sound and managed a hello. I knew the voice belonged to the name that came up on my caller ID, so it was no surprise-- but it was different. I listened, I listened to them talk to me about something they needed to say, and in preparing for my response, I opened my mouth to speak... And then I woke up.
I looked at my phone, and it was 5:30am... I looked at missed calls or calls taken place and there was no call to be found. I was sad. Legitimately sad. I sat up, and walked around my room just waiting for the sadness to settle before I got back into my bed. At some point after 6am I fell asleep... and I know that as I drifted off to sleep I hoped, hoped, that I would be able to return to the dream that I awoke from just so that I could respond.
Around 9am it was time to really wake up for the day, and my breakfast was waiting. As I sit here munching on a croissant, eating my yogurt, and waiting for my Cafe Latte to turn cold I begin to experience for the first time, a loss for home.
I think while its a strange sadness, I'm glad for it. I was iChatting with Mandy last night and was talking about how I was feeling, and addressed the ever ending question in my head about how I'm going to return home June 25th. We discussed it, and I was honest about the freedom and release I've found here that in some ways gives me encouragement to pursue things that I love regardless of where they are going to move me. I feel peaceful about leaving Lexington, in a way I've not felt in a really long time, though there have been a few opportunities that I thought what I felt was peaceful... looking back I can see how I was more fearful of staying then I was of leaving. I am not planning a move, even though a friend often tells me that I'm only one box away from being gone. I have had a lot of time in recent weeks to ponder and pontificate my life at home, and what about it that is missing from this experience that has allowed me to flourish. I feel like I'm growing and expanding, and my eyes are huge- big wide open blue eyes just taking it all in... I feel like my ears are clear of voices that have told me things that have held me back, have lied to me and caused hurt so deep, and I am not hearing one thing and seeing insinuations of another. Nothing about where I am, what I've been doing, and what I've been thinking about has been lukewarm. My role here? Is simply to be, to pray, to think, to trust, to let go, to experience, to capture, to love myself, to love and pursue Christ, to appreciate each moment of quiet in such busy and populated cities... It has been enveloping, and it has been transforming.
Today my phone rang in my dream, and perhaps what I most desire to be acknowledged came in that short conversation in which I could not respond. I heard something that offered a lifeline, it offered the invitation back as who I am now, not as I left, and before they were finished they told me sincerely and truly that I was loved... that I was missed... and in my silence they've been sad. In that moment I awoke, I knew that I wanted it to take the invitation, and I wanted to be open... and real regardless of what it meant that I'd say. For the first time since I've been gone I wanted to see faces, to hug tightly, to talk openly and freely... to continue, to begin again.
Perhaps what I prayed for in St. Peter's Basilica yesterday is already being answered. I am not doubting that God can move quickly when He answers our prayers... while I still wonder why some things that I have been praying about for 20 something years, or more importantly the deep rooted emotional cries of the past year have not yet been appeased. I know, in His timing... I know. Yesterday I walked through probably the most impressive and famous church in the world. I took pictures, I watched people stand below strong white beams of light unleashed from a small window in the dome's ceiling. I prayed and I thought about the past, the future, but for a good while I prayed about the day and moment at hand. I prayed about pride, and areas that I'm just holding on because I don't want to be hurt. I prayed and thought about breaking away and the huge significance this trip has been in my life, that while I am writing about it- does not even begin to break the surface of what this all means. I prayed that I could be vulnerable in this place and time away with others in the States that care about me. I was able to see how I've been skimming the surface in my communication, I've skirted questions that have asking me about one thing or another, "how are you doing with that?" I have written some novels back trying to get out of my head things that I can't stop thinking about it, in hopes that in their articulation I will be empty of them for awhile and new thoughts and feelings will come. It's true, writing last weekend when I finally had the ability to send emails did WONDERS for my heart. It was a release I didn't know I really needed, and I was glad for being able to write a few emails that were so long and wordy I bet they'd make great short stories on their own.
The most vulnerable I think I've really and truly been with the exception of those emails on Friday, my prayer email, are my pictures. In them are thousands of stories that I just don't know if there are even words to describe yet. I have loved reading comments and receiving emails containing thoughts of love and encouragement.... but each time I post there is this strange moment of insecurity that crosses the heart and mind... that I need to let go of every single time. It's hard to describe.
So the first pang of sadness for home came because of a dream, and I'm sure that the Lord is smiling at my prayers yesterday because I didn't ask for any of them to be answered this way. But it was perfect, it was hard... but it reflected truth in my heart and I think that it is really easy while away to get swept away in my head without remembering the other side of the conversation, if there were to be another joined in it.
I am happy, I am well. I am content and peaceful. I am other words to describe goodness, that I just can't recall in this moment. I am so thankful that I have in fact a little more then 2 weeks left to experience this- I am sad, deeply sad, to be leaving Italy on Thursday for Paris, but am thankful that Mandy awaits on Monday. I am still so stinking excited about each piece of this itinerary that has yet to be unwrapped. I am not ready for home.
But, I am ready for that phone call... and that is the Lord. Completely and totally Jesus.
"I just want to be not what I am today
I just want to be better than my friends might sayI just want a small part in your passion play
Do you hear when I call
in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words
while I sing this song?"
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