Italy.

A Ridiculously Long Blog Update. If you make it to end, let me know and I'll give you a cookie when I return.

It may have taken awhile but I am finally writing. It has been a slow process to get myself here.

I have been in Italy for a week now, with not having Internet at my apartment I have utilized my limited time online with emailing fervently and without much articulation to those I can while connected to wifi. The lack of Internet at home has been good in some ways but also frustrating in others. with the amazing international roaming feature on the iPhone I am able to check my emails, surf Facebook, get the latest in weather forecasting, and generally feel in touch without really being in touch. It's the one sided sense of communication that is challenging. I have received great, thoughtful, and funny emails from friends and family trying to stay close to me, but i can't respond with much more then a few sentences at a time, because pegging on the iPhone keyboard gets a bit tiresome. Besides that, I would like to say about text messages- that I get them for free so never feel bad about writing me- just don't be offended if i don't respond, the single text charge is going to add up REAL quick.

Right now i am sitting on the Eurostar train, which is nicer then most planes I have been on in my lifetime, and am making my way back to Florence from Venice. I have said this on Facebook, and many a postcards I wrote yesterday... be still my heart. I can't remember a time when my heart was so enveloped with a place, in sight and touch. It was simply breathtaking, and I imagine as I move through these 5 weeks I will continue to return to the way I felt during the weekend I just spent here. It was magical, and warm... and romantic but not limited to sensual romance. It was captivating and it was... just my absolute favorite place. Not to mention I got to wear my favorite wrap linen dress, fun shoes, and set out to roam the city streets and cross their bridges completely falling into the feeling this city exudes... lots and lots of love.

This morning I woke up and went about my general business of the morning, partaking in the free breakfast offered by where I am staying, got my things together, and then began the task of utilizing a few hours online before my train in the afternoon. It is cloudy, and cold so I didn't feel like I was breaking some law about not being floating across the Grand Canal on a Gondola. I was able to book however a slurry of hotels, flights, and misc. details for the next four weeks now that I have a much better idea of what I'd like to accomplish and how I'm feeling. It was productive. I was also able to record a few video messages, respond to emails, upload new pictures, and before I knew it time was up before I got the tackle the task of writing this.

While trying to communicate with a friend today I said simply that I didn't know how to connect them with me here. I didn't know how to articulate and explain what I've seen, done, felt, where I've been, and where I hope to go next. The words are slow. They are hard. They almost seem meaningless and so I find myself silent and rendered speechless... in the best and most humbling way possible. I had hoped that just by talking about whatever came to mind was enough, and I laughed thinking about how known I am and how difficult that message was for me to leave. Perhaps even so for the one who received it. I don't know, I'll let you know what they say. (Update: "you were so incredibly uncomfortable :)"... I knew it).

On the docket for the week I am winding down my time in Florence. I have enjoyed my time in the city but I am ready for a new and welcomed change. I have a list of errands to run before I depart on Thursday night, which include laundry, shipping things home that I do not need, and one more sunset on the Ponte Vicchio bridge while indulging myself in Bacio Gelato (Nutella flavor, still my favorite perhaps next to combining Frutti Botti with Ananas, mixed berry and pineapple).

A list to help and this will be repeated information for some, so humor me while I talk more about the things I've already emailed.

1) Home.
I don't mean to reference the one in Virginia, but the one here. Italy feels like home. It feels like a warm blanket, and it invites you in easily. The Italian's may not appreciate an only English speaker, but I'm picking up my phrases here and there, which really has me thinking more in Spanish then anything... perhaps a sign that I should pursue speaking Spanish fluently for that trip to Spain I long to go on. I hear myself respond with all sorts of pleasantries, and I'm amazed at how while I don't speak to anyone for most of the day how the deep and grateful sense of being at home has at times nothing to do with who you are with, or where you are... its a notion of heart and contentment. So far, a week into this five week journey- I am glad to report that the good Lord has instilled in my heart a sense of comfort, peace, and satisfaction while missing and desiring so many things about my life so far away from here. Those have fallen in their respects to the way side and I am thankful that while I catch myself in a moment wishing for the company of one particular person or another to be sitting with me, I am most happy when in being alone I am not lonely. So far. So good. This could change at any moment, but I pray sincerely that the Father continues to bless my heart in this way so that I can see with wide eyes, and I can absorb without distraction all that I will find here in this home away from home.

2) My Voice.
Because I'm solo all day, most days I don't hear myself talk much. I am surprised when I am on my way to bed as I recall events of the day that mattered to me, and how those things have nothing to do with a conversation I had with a friend over lunch, or a phone date taken place while my feet dangled off the hammock. I think last week I went two days without speaking more then two sentences, which was so completely different then my experience in my normal routine in the States. It's a strange thing to not recognize yourself when you do speak but also how completely comforting to know that I am still being heard... because I spend so much of my days in thought with myself and in talking to the Lord. It's amazing. I wish for everyone to experience that kind of solitude.

3) Tidal Waves.
Despite contentment found in feeling at home, and the solitude in lack of speaking there are moments that catch me by surprise and for a moment I lose my footing a little bit and I just feel a little lost. Its like without warning they sweep in and I stand in what feels like a puddle of emotion that has no where to drain. I don't have them often but when I do I know what specifically triggered them, and I try to work my way through the feeling, and let the feeling go. Perhaps its part of the process of thought, and how its inevitable that without sharing my heart openly on a daily basis in communicating with someone I know, that allows the overwhelming sense of heart to capture a moment. I am not upset or troubled, just being honest that its not all roses and rainbows in Kari Land while in Europe. The Lord has brought to light things that I have ignored, and I have been able to think without distraction about things that matter to me, things and people that I fight for, and come to terms with hurts that I thought I have long since let go of, but truly have not. Learning. Trusting. Patience. Perspective. I'm working through it.


4) The iPod.
I haven't really listened to it. I actually have not listened to much of anything. When I am getting ready in the morning sometimes I will put on my current obsessed play list on my computer and not pay much attention to it in the process. I sing to myself melodies in my head during the day, and random song lyrics come to mind when I'm in particular place or doing something that reminds me of someone I love. I can't explain why I don't listen to it, I just have such an aversion to walking around with my ears covered. I just want all my senses in some way to be alive, I want to hear kids laughing at performers on the streets, and I want to hear the musicians in the square... I want to hear tid bits from English speaking tour guides that surround me in large groups in any given place- I just don't want to miss it, so I just leave the iPod at home.

5) The Photos.
I am happy with many of them, and I feel like out of the hundreds I have shot this week that there are a few that have proven to reflect my skill and style...but its so challenging to convey what I see into the images. I hope that they are inspired and not flat reflections of what I am looking at. I'm trying to not be critical and not think too much about them in the process of capturing each image. I am just taking pictures hoping that when I look down at the screen what is shown back to me is something of my own perspective and notion. It's been amazing.

6) Beauty.
We are all told that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "Beauty is only skin deep"... as little girls we dream of growing up and being a princess, and one day of being a bride. Our association with beauty is always always influenced by what commercially is trendy or valued. It's impossible at times to not feel insufficient, or not pretty enough growing up- and by the time you hit your 20's, the insecurity either dissipates from confidence learned, or has been so ingrained into our heads that no common sense or reason can break through and convince us any different. I am not a tall, slender, have perfect skin, or am a perfectly groomed girl. I know this. Most days I don't even think about it. Then there are moments when the battle of heart gets in the way of understanding that I am a daughter of the King, and its so easy to get lost.
I mention all of this because its important to note that since I have arrived, I have heard daily that I am beautiful. Every day there is some random Italian man ranging in their creepiness asserting themselves to me while I walk through a crowd, or as I sit in a Piazza that compliments me on my appearance. Now. In most moments I am put off and I want to know what they want to steal from me as I talk to them flirtatiously. Last Sunday I sat next to charming older Italian man. His face reflected a life well lived in his wrinkles, and he was impeccably dressed. He talked to me for awhile in Italian, all the while knowing that I could not understand him. He showed me things in the book I was reading about Florence, and pointed into several directions ways that I should go, and time I should spend while going that way. He was animated and used his hands to articulate words he knew I could not understand. After spending 30 minutes just smiling, nodding, and entertaining him with my attention he got up and left. As he made his way down off the step where we were perched, he looked up and back at me and said goodbye and that I was beautiful in Italian. To be clear, and to be certain I understood, he then smiled and paused and repeated his sentiment to me in English. I could not miss it. He was genuine, warm, and enchanting. I felt like in any other circumstance or moment it would have been the creepiest scenario, but it was divine... and when he said it I believed he meant it, and in a great moment of affirmation and security, I knew that it was true.

Beauty. Sometimes we get these moments away from the dark thoughts and insecure moments we race ourselves through- and are given a window. A light shines in, and everything that we thought wasn't good enough, or all the little things we compare to others are completely diminished. They are made small. They are made as small as the reality of how the insecurity made us feel in its birth. The heart is still, the eyes are wide and bright... all is illuminated and we are able to celebrate that we, as we are, are completely enough- and completely beautiful.

I love that lesson more then I have loved any Piazza, any Gelato, any church, or any other moment. I will remember that for the rest of my life, and pray that security and light grows, and glows, and intensifies as it resembles more of how the Creator views me- in His image and Love.



7) Return.
When I emailed my first prayer email to those special people, I included my return as my last request. If I came back to the States today I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I would pack up every thing I own into boxes, sell what I don't really need, and grab Gracie and go- somewhere new and different... I don't know if I feel called to a new place or new thing- I just feel like in some ways its hard to imagine this girl that sits here right now on this train will still be able to live in Lexington without reverting back to the girl who left. I'm just being honest. I hope that feeling changes as I grow and am changed by this experience over time and circumstance... that I will have more time to enjoy this version of me as it grows into the next one... and the next one... and then to the one that will arrive at 10pm on a Thursday night to Roanoke, Virginia.

My novel is complete. My words are done, for now.

La manco. L'amo. Lei è Bello. 

To be clear and be sure that you understand... 

I miss you. I love you. You are beautiful.