Stillness of Island Life

After the chaos and greatness of Disneyland Paris, it feels like anything written after that is just boring. The pace since I've arrived in Greece- scaled back, relaxed, slow, and even lazy. 

It. Is. Wonderful.

I arrived happily and exhausted from periodically crying all day leaving Paris in JOY for what I learned and how intimately close I felt to the Savior. I wrote emails trying depict it and explain such humbled awe, but often times just found myself with tears streaming down my face searching for words. I will happily take that kind of speechlessness any day. 

I am now 7 hours ahead of those on the East Coast in the States, and I admit the time difference is driving me crazy. When I was in Thailand at least it was an even 12, and there was nothing strange about it. I was waking up, loved ones were going to bed. Coordinating video chats were easy, and generally the amount of time shared awake seemed much easier to manage. Seven hours? It's just hard. I go to bed around the time most are finishing their days at work, and I wake up and everyone is sleeping. The small window for communication is tough. My email is generally most euphoric in the morning when I wake up. It's in those hours I'm sleeping that friends are able to catch up to me by looking at Facebook Albums, reading the Blog, or having the time to write me the BEST emails (or even better, video messages).

Yesterday I did a tour of the South part of the Island, and loved it. I learned a lot about the history of this amazingly beautiful place, and I captured small moments and tokens of what I love here in pictures. I shared a table with a family from California while wine tasting, and was able to talk about my adventures thus far. It felt like a normal day in my life up until that point- I for some reason as I talked about what I've been doing was completely blown away by the story of the past weeks. I've done some amazing things. I've seen some amazing things. I've been changed in some amazing ways. 

This morning I woke up at the perky hour of 5:30am, to take a walk down to the beach at the end of the street I'm staying. I am not typically a morning person, and I have delighted that in my itinerary I've not had to get up before 7am once. I made my way down to the beach, which is a rich black of volcanic sand highlighted with random white stones... it was quiet. The day for many was still a few hours away from beginning, and the sky was warming up as the sun began its daily arrival. I walked along the edge of the surf, surprised that it felt warm to my toes- and waited. I don't wait well. I don't slow down easily. I think if there is one thing that I had purposed for my time here in Santorini, it was that the process constantly going to museums, landmarks, and the city pace would slow down so I could breathe before I returned home on the 25th. I feared not being able to do this well, and I was anxious that I'd get emotionally antsy in the lack of "things". I have been blessed by a relaxed attitude, a mind that has wondered and drifted in thought while laying in the sun... I have slept peacefully with the most comfortable blanket ever that I am going to buy when I get home. The sunrise today made me pause, and it made me wait for what was coming... I couldn't rush it and I couldn't run towards it. I simply got to stand and ponder, think and pray, walk and wait.

It was beautiful, and I was grateful for many things as I watched it:

1) the motivation to wake up to watch it

2) the time to really be still before it and consider the magnitude of the Lord and His creation

3) the peaceful silence that was only broken by the sound of the waves crashing at my feet

4) how being relaxed allowed me to be open to my thoughts that ranged from significance, but mostly how I walked away understanding more then when I had arrived, simply because I had been silent and listened.

5) for friendships back home, and how I have been blessed by half a dozen that have walked with me through this entire adventure. Some have responded faithfully to prayer request emails. Some have been huge encouragers on the pictures. Some have met with me on iChat to talk "in person" to stay connected. Some have asked questions. Some have waited for me to speak. Some have painted plans for the rest of the summer. Some are waiting to find out what I'm going to do when I get back. Some are wondering how I'm going to be different. Some already know how. Some have challenged me with accountability. Some I find myself appreciating more in the distance. Some I felt were with me the entire time. Some fit every part of this list. 

I am thankful. In the midst of the most awe inspiring sight I got to be still in silence and enjoy what seemed was planned just for me on a beach alone in the middle of the Sea. 

A question remains... how does one pack this experience up and board a flight next Thursday?

Disneyland Paris

In each album I have posted on Facebook there are over a hundred that didn't make the cut to be included. I made quick decisions and posted what I liked best and kept moving. In each picture of those albums contains a window. A way for you to see what I've seen and for you to hopefully by the expression of joy on my face draw a some assured conclusions about how I am based on the self portrait. They each have a story, and I have the words tucked away in my heart and one day, perhaps day by day upon my return those words will be said... or perhaps they will remain as prized secrets and stories to be told to my grandchildren about who I was in 2009, what I saw, and how I had hoped and prayed for them even before the marriage to create them existed. 

In the 100 photos taken of Disney, there is a greater story to be told then just the experience of being in a magical place, where people young and old are united in their childlike wonder and enthusiasm... there is a story written in these pictures, and I have chosen just a few in hopes that you will understand why they mean almost more to me then any other group I have taken at this point in my trip... and why that last one is "The Picture" that defines this entire experience in one image. I will always associate these weeks, and this heart of growth on that expression in the midst of that day. So... here's just one of many things to share of the many pictures you've looked at on Facebook. 

Disneyland Paris

I made it to my final park. I'm a Disney enthusiast and while many do not love Disney the way I do, I'm happy that in the Stegmans, and Andrew Piper I have those who just understand. This picture begins the day, and marks the completion of my attendance to my last park. It was a great moment that I may have been giggling about for the entire morning in anticipation. Much like Christmas Morning, except this morning I got to open this experience with Mandy Stegman: amazing.

Mandy Stegman

Which leads me to Mandy. Seeing her in Paris was like seeing her anywhere else. It was insane and completely normal. Of course I was hanging out with her, of course we were in the land of all things magical. It was great and it was a joy to spend one day of 35 that I have planned and purposed on my own with her. The other joy was that I've been successful and so happy in my time away that I didn't need her to be a lifeline to home like I had orginally anticipated "Oh, so if I get lonely I've got three weeks before I see someone I love" was what I kept telling myself in preparation for my trip. I wanted to see Mandy, but I didn't "need" too- she was a bonus and I got to enjoy her as I was, and have the security of being relaxed and emotionally strong on my own. It was fantastic.

Pluto

We came upon a cluster of characters, and well I love characters. I got to cuddle and snuggle with Pluto and he put my head in his mouth and I just laughed. This picture is before the chaos of the day began, and there is something about looking at this picture that makes me recognize the freedom I felt in the day and the joy I had in being with Mandy and her parents. I was laughing. It was a great moment. It was before the best part happened. It was when I thought I couldn't ask for more then what I had. It was... me and Pluto and I was thinking "Oh my goodness, Lord... I am in Paris with PLUTO!"

Anna from Guest Relations

I met Anna after I realized that my wallet fell out of my pocket while on the Indiana Jones ride. Mandy, Jeni, and I quickly began the backtracking hunt, and general search through a very limited part of the park and made the necessary contacts to guest relations in the process. It was gone. We were told that they'd walk the ride at 6pm when it was being shut down and to go back at 6:30pm to see if it was found. It was time to take the necessary steps towards obtaining identification to either continue on my plans to Greece, or be sent home, so to do this I began the process of contacting the US Embassy, because my Passport was in my wallet, and I was set to leave for Santorini the next day. I was taken care of by Anna, who was able to guide me through these phonecalls and spent the time with me in the private office of the Guest Relations area. She is from Italy, so I was able to talk about my experience there- what my thoughts on her country were...what I was doing and what I thought. 

The Pirate Ship.

At one point Mandy and I went back to the Indiana Ride in hopes in riding it again we would see my wallet on the ground... I just think it was the control in my heart that could not let it go without seeing with my own eyes. We walked through the Pirates of the Caribean and went on the ride... and as we walked by the Pirate ship Mandy turned to me and asked if I wanted my picture. I said no, was starting to feel the weight of the day. She told me that I couldn't get all sad and not get a picture because I was going to find my wallet and tomorrow would wish I had documented my day in its glory. I gave in, handed off the camera and stood in front of the pirate ship and found a genuine smile and laugh. She captured this in a few pictures, but this was my favorite. In the midst of the heartache and anxiety, Mandy was able to help me find joy in my day.

My Trip... In One Photo

At 6:30pm we found out that the walk through of the ride did not produce my wallet. I knew what I had to do, and I knew who I needed to contact but the process was going to be challenging and overwhelming and so the tears were the release from a day of composure and hope. After a day of stressing at the park, we all left to go to dinner at Planet Hollywood which was located in the Disney Village. While at dinner Jeni's phone rang and after some language issues we were able to determine, Wallet... Found. As the details were coming slowly I asked if my Passport was in it, and it was confirmed. My face fell into my hands and I just cried. Tears. I couldn't believe it.

The part that matters is not that my wallet was found, and the only thing missing was 50euro, while that is amazing. It was more the emotional journey I took in the entire day and process of losing it, and because of that I will never wish the experience different. While in the office waiting for the Embassy to call back I prayed- and of course I prayed it'd be found, but I mostly prayed that whatever was to be that I could rest in knowing that I was safe, I was ok, and that the Lord had a plan. I kept thinking of a question I heard in a sermon and to explain the point would take too many words, but the end question was boldly, "Do you trust Him?" I knew deeply and truly that I did- even if it meant I didn't get to finish my time abroad in Greece. I knew that I was still His beloved, and I was able in my heart to give up all desire and control for wanting everything to go "my way" to simply experience knowing that He was more important then me. I still got the enjoy the goodness of fellowship with people I love, and I still smiled even in the midst of wanting to run away. If that's not Grace, then I don't know what is.

Yesterday in my contentment I knew how much I loved and trusted Him and wanted that more then I wanted my wallet to be found for my plans to continue. I didn't feel ready for home, but I would I knew that I could return and watch Him at work in that situation. I knew that I wanted Greece so bad, and was so close- and I've run this marathon for nearly a month and wanted to see it complete... but I trusted Him.... I wanted Him more then me. And after weeks of praying and thinking and experiencing such closeness in the silence I've had on my own, the experiences in churches as I've prayed quietly and thoughtfully to Him, and noticing the changes in my vision of self and His love... today I knew it was more then a sound bite, and it was more then a blog entry talking about my desire for the Lord to refine me, or my desire to be drawn and enveloped by Him... today was all of that hope, all of that truth, and all of that change I've sensed to remain in action. It was all of your prayers answered, and every hope for what this journey could be was realized... and while I celebrate that I have a wallet found- I would have known all these things to be true without it.

I'm sad I didn't get to spend the whole day at Disney, I did get to walk through those magical gates, and I did get my picture taken with Pluto, I laughed, I spent time with Mandy whom I love. There was a moment before the wallet was gone I sat on a ride with her in the dark and we held hands, I thought deeply and truly in my heart, that in my life I could not ask for anymore then I'd already been given. In the midst of losing the wallet, I still felt that to be true, and in the 8 hours I didn't have it and thought it was gone, I still knew that I had more waiting for me at home then I had hoped for in Greece. It was amazingly peaceful.

That last picture? The story it tells me? Is that despite the day, and the truth that my wallet was gone in that moment, I was able to still relax into myself and trust that the Lord was with me, and I was able to celebrate a day of His purpose. I was happy and content in chaos. Disneyland Paris? I will be back there at some point to complete what I began.

That day with Jesus? I don't have to visit. It's part of who I am, and when I forget, I have the best picture in the world to remind me of the celebration in all things, for He is perfect and I am His beloved.

Amen.

"Are You Going to Let Them In?"

Today is June 11. I am about to complete my three week tour of Italy (sad but grateful pause), and welcome in Paris for five days before the final leg of this amazing experience: Greece.

I have heard Jesus everyday. There has not been a day that has gone by that a sentence hasn't come to mind that I knew without question or doubt that it was the Savior. In the beginning I would literally stop walking, or stop in the middle of the task and just listen to it, and think, "Ok Lord... Where did that come from?". Now, I know better. Now I know deeply and truly that every offering of insight, or moment spoken as an answer is a gift, because I have prayed to hear Him speak... well more important then that, I have prayed that I would have ears that could hear.

Since arriving in Rome I have had access to the Internet, unlimited and in the comfort of my own room. Part of me rejoices in this, and the other part? Wishes I still had that barrier. Don't get me wrong, it was great being able to chat with friends on Facebook, and hang out with Mandy one night and then Tex the next on iChat (how I do love Apple products). It made the world seem smaller, closer together. It made me feel not quite so far away. It brought someone here. It brought me home in a similar way. The truth of the matter is that I just can't say that in the beginning, it was what I wanted.

It did however, make me feel a little lost. A little torn between one place and the next. I got off iChat with Tex on Tuesday night, and felt unsure. All the experiences I have had, all the memories I've made, all the thoughts I've thought, and all the feelings I've had have been completely my own. They have been contained but most of all controlled in this head and heart of mine. With the exception of a few emails home a week ago, I've been a fortress of overwhelming experience and emotion held captive in this personal world that I've not allowed anyone in. The moment came in St. Peter's Basilica. The moment of awareness came with the voice of reason that I know humbly was the Lord. The word was Pride. The awareness meant more then knowing what to call what I'd been doing, it was the question that followed, "Are you going to let them in?". I sat and thought. I thought and I prayed. I prayed and I got mad. Then I finally wasn't mad, I realized that while I may never have acknowledged any of the ways I'd been feeling- that those who knew me best knew that I was not acting like myself. When I would write I missed someone I knew that in some ways that was true, but it always felt empty. I knew that those I love most must have been aware that there was something happening and going on but were just waiting... for me to begin to speak, I just wondered how long they were going to wait... and my stubborn pride wanted to know how long I could hold it in.

I knew it was time to make the change, I just didn't want to. It started with something small, I made one phone call and left one voice mail message. I justified the expense of 99cents a minute with the fact, it would be worth more not if in the moment, but in the long run for both me and the friend I called. I didn't say much, but what I said was true. In the privacy, and in the distance I began to forget things that were true in relationships I hold most dear at home. (Ironically enough while writing this sentence, "Say" by John Mayer just came on the radio, now thats just funny). I know that gaining space and perspective from home in the midst of this time is a good thing- it allows distraction to fall away and focus and energy on this particular time at hand to become the central piece of attention. 

What do you say? What do I say to connect one really far away to me here? What do I say when there's so much that I think about in a day- that I was starting to lose my voice? What do you say that makes sense when you feel peacefully manic and all over the place? What do you say? What? And because I didn't know, I just stopped.

But... thanks to my time in St. Peter's and because I knew that the question was "Are you going to let them in?" Instead of praying for what to say, I prayed that the Lord would work in me to allow that to begin. The next morning I woke up to my 5:30am dream in which my phone rang. What I heard in that dream moved in my heart the entire day, and so finally upon returning to my room later that night I was ready. I was ready to talk. It was more then being ready, the desire to remain closed off was changing into wanting to be known... to be heard... and to believe that because I was being vulnerable didn't take away the significance of what I was thinking and learning- that sharing it was expanding it, as all part of my witness. It was part of my relationship with the Lord that beckons to be shared so that His work in me can be given praise and allow others to join me in the journey.

After some time iChatting with Tex, I finally had enough courage to start talking about somethings that mattered. I started talking about how I'm doing with taking care of myself and the tears began. Then I talked about some thoughts I had about a friend I used to have and the hurts that still linger there, the tears continued. I talked about awareness I felt in some areas that I felt inadequate. The tears ended there, because after a few hours of talking the conversation needed to be wrapped up. In the span of my emotional purge, he hadn't said much. I was was simply heard. We said goodbye, I had nothing more to say... what I had said was enough for that night.

I felt lost. I felt like what is the good in sharing when having those things in my head, I had been safe? I felt like I never should have spoken such random things, because I'm not upset or heartbroken here- quite the opposite: I feel content, peaceful, and whole. Perhaps it is finding that here, I have seen the truth about the life and relationships I maintain at home. The greatness of being known however difficult and vulnerable is that Tex knew I would be feeling lost and confused in that place, and true to the way he always has- he took his knowledge of me and his care into action, and he called right when enough time had passed from the ending of our conversation that the insecurity was a heavy blanket... in his call he removed the weight and assured me that he was glad I shared and to not regret it. To be known is scary, but when you are- you are opening yourself up to be loved the way we most desire- and in that moment for me, it was a phone call from across the ocean from my best friend telling me, that it mattered... and that I could and needed to rest there.

The Lord takes us often to places that we go kicking and screaming and other times we glad fully submit. I wanted to come here. I wanted to be away. I wanted to do 5 weeks solo, just to know I could do it. I wanted to be quiet and still. I wanted to move, walk, explore, and experience. I wanted to capture what I'd see in pictures. I have done those things, but with the exception of Facebook Albums, and a few blog entries- I have captured and contained this to myself. I have made choices and I have seen things that are personal, some private... and without knowing it I got lost in the itinerary and subsequently starting cutting people out of my life... I just didn't know it.

So friends and readers alike. I cut off and I cut away. I can't say that will change overnight, and I can't say what will happen in the next two weeks I remain out of the country. I can say however that I've seen the extreme, and I have been able to acknowledge that there has to be a place in the middle. I have opened up small windows to how I am- with anecdotes about the older man at Piazza Signoria telling me I was beautiful... I have discussed the pursuit of being refined... those are small windows from this castle of complexity and joy. There are doors, gardens, and great big rooms of awareness, hope, peace, knowledge, change, intimacy, and security.

While there are so many things to say and share about this time, I know deeply and truly that every prayer being raised at home, is being answered in big and small ways. I know that things that control my heart at home are weaker. I know that the places I have felt insecure are not true. I have an awareness of self that coincides more with the way that the Father sees me. I have known I've deserved better in some situations, and in those places my heart now believes it too. I have sought some answers and gotten responses to questions I hadn't even asked yet. I feel like me. I feel like I don't recognize myself in pictures in some ways, and when I am getting ready for the day I just study my eyes in the mirror as I brush my teeth. I can't tell you the last time I ever really looked at myself, and made eye contact and just looked... and studied the colors. I have had great conversations in random places... I've met who I've adopted as my Italian Grandfather, last week my Italian Father, and then the other day my Italian spouse as I was proposed to (I politely declined and blushed).I have been frustrated in moments. I have been sad in others. I have been so still and quiet in my thought while awake that it felt like a peaceful dream.

We all play roles. We all have token things about us that are lived out in our relationships. The listener, the sister, the best friend, the mother, the talker, the party planner, the shy guy, the class clown, the insecure awkward one, the beauty, the athlete, the perfectionist, the best dressed, the encourager, the prayer, the articulate one, life's cheerleader, the gossip, the jealous, the drama queen, the servant, the creative one, the opinionated one, the depressed one, the phony one, the lover, the hater.... there are so many characteristics of each role I could list all day.

I in a way I had grown to resent the role I play in some relationships because it didn't facilitate what I wanted. My selfish nature didn't want the outcome of a particular role and that led to hurt and opposition. I did not know this until the only role I had to play, was just me. Me as a daughter of the King just wanting to be with Him as His beloved. The roles I play at home all fell away, and what remained was the Me I have always been, with the desire I ache for more then the outcome of my selfish desires... it has been as His daughter. His beloved. His child. His creation. His beautiful one. After three weeks, I see that, I feel it, and I believe it. I know that I can seek Him and be used for His purpose, and celebrate that submission for His plans for me and not resent that I'm not getting what I think it best for me. I can celebrate better the roles I play, varying from relationship and situation... because I have finally gotten a glimpse of the bigger picture.

He has chosen me, and I have chosen Him.

I want to return that way. Just me.



"I don't know this could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts that I've been saving
So here I go with all my fear weighing on me....

Three *weeks and I am still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know its never really over

I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe...
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me,

So I won't worry about my timing,
I wanna get it right
No comparing, no second guessing
No, not this time...

Three *weeks and I am still breathing
Been a long road since those hands left my tears in
But I know its never really over

Three *weeks and I'm standing here
Three *weeks and I'm getting better
Three *weeks and I'm still... here

Three *weeks and its harder now
Three *weeks I've lived here without you now
Three *weeks... I....
Three *weeks I'm still breathing
Three *weeks and I still remember it
Three *weeks and I wake up
Three *weeks and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers..."

*weeks are months in the original song "Sober" By Kelly Clarkson

Articulation Continues

Today I heard my phone ring. I reached over for it, saw who it was and answered. It was 5:30am, and I knew that I couldn't not answer it, so I moved my finger from left to right to release the ringing sound and managed a hello. I knew the voice belonged to the name that came up on my caller ID, so it was no surprise-- but it was different. I listened, I listened to them talk to me about something they needed to say, and in preparing for my response, I opened my mouth to speak... And then I woke up. 

I looked at my phone, and it was 5:30am... I looked at missed calls or calls taken place and there was no call to be found. I was sad. Legitimately sad. I sat up, and walked around my room just waiting for the sadness to settle before I got back into my bed. At some point after 6am I fell asleep... and I know that as I drifted off to sleep I hoped, hoped, that I would be able to return to the dream that I awoke from just so that I could respond. 

Around 9am it was time to really wake up for the day, and my breakfast was waiting. As I sit here munching on a croissant, eating my yogurt, and waiting for my Cafe Latte to turn cold I begin to experience for the first time, a loss for home. 

I think while its a strange sadness, I'm glad for it. I was iChatting with Mandy last night and was talking about how I was feeling, and addressed the ever ending question in my head about how I'm going to return home June 25th. We discussed it, and I was honest about the freedom and release I've found here that in some ways gives me encouragement to pursue things that I love regardless of where they are going to move me. I feel peaceful about leaving Lexington, in a way I've not felt in a really long time, though there have been a few opportunities that I thought what I felt was peaceful... looking back I can see how I was more fearful of staying then I was of leaving. I am not planning a move, even though a friend often tells me that I'm only one box away from being gone. I have had a lot of time in recent weeks to ponder and pontificate my life at home, and what about it that is missing from this experience that has allowed me to flourish. I feel like I'm growing and expanding, and my eyes are huge- big wide open blue eyes just taking it all in... I feel like my ears are clear of voices that have told me things that have held me back, have lied to me and caused hurt so deep, and I am not hearing one thing and seeing insinuations of another. Nothing about where I am, what I've been doing, and what I've been thinking about has been lukewarm. My role here? Is simply to be, to pray, to think, to trust, to let go, to experience, to capture, to love myself, to love and pursue Christ, to appreciate each moment of quiet in such busy and populated cities... It has been enveloping, and it has been transforming. 

Today my phone rang in my dream, and perhaps what I most desire to be acknowledged came in that short conversation in which I could not respond. I heard something that offered a lifeline, it offered the invitation back as who I am now, not as I left, and before they were finished they told me sincerely and truly that I was loved... that I was missed... and in my silence they've been sad. In that moment I awoke, I knew that I wanted it to take the invitation, and I wanted to be open... and real regardless of what it meant that I'd say. For the first time since I've been gone I wanted to see faces, to hug tightly, to talk openly and freely... to continue, to begin again. 

Perhaps what I prayed for in St. Peter's Basilica yesterday is already being answered. I am not doubting that God can move quickly when He answers our prayers... while I still wonder why some things that I have been praying about for 20 something years, or more importantly the deep rooted emotional cries of the past year have not yet been appeased. I know, in His timing... I know. Yesterday I walked through probably the most impressive and famous church in the world. I took pictures, I watched people stand below strong white beams of light unleashed from a small window in the dome's ceiling. I prayed and I thought about the past, the future, but for a good while I prayed about the day and moment at hand. I prayed about pride, and areas that I'm just holding on because I don't want to be hurt. I prayed and thought about breaking away and the huge significance this trip has been in my life, that while I am writing about it- does not even begin to break the surface of what this all means. I prayed that I could be vulnerable in this place and time away with others in the States that care about me. I was able to see how I've been skimming the surface in my communication, I've skirted questions that have asking me about one thing or another, "how are you doing with that?" I have written some novels back trying to get out of my head things that I can't stop thinking about it, in hopes that in their articulation I will be empty of them for awhile and new thoughts and feelings will come. It's true, writing last weekend when I finally had the ability to send emails did WONDERS for my heart. It was a release I didn't know I really needed, and I was glad for being able to write a few emails that were so long and wordy I bet they'd make great short stories on their own. 

The most vulnerable I think I've really and truly been with the exception of those emails on Friday, my prayer email, are my pictures. In them are thousands of stories that I just don't know if there are even words to describe yet. I have loved reading comments and receiving emails containing thoughts of love and encouragement.... but each time I post there is this strange moment of insecurity that crosses the heart and mind... that I need to let go of every single time. It's hard to describe.

So the first pang of sadness for home came because of a dream, and I'm sure that the Lord is smiling at my prayers yesterday because I didn't ask for any of them to be answered this way. But it was perfect, it was hard... but it reflected truth in my heart and I think that it is really easy while away to get swept away in my head without remembering the other side of the conversation, if there were to be another joined in it. 

I am happy, I am well. I am content and peaceful. I am other words to describe goodness, that I just can't recall in this moment. I am so thankful that I have in fact a little more then 2 weeks left to experience this- I am sad, deeply sad, to be leaving Italy on Thursday for Paris, but am thankful that Mandy awaits on Monday. I am still so stinking excited about each piece of this itinerary that has yet to be unwrapped. I am not ready for home. 

But, I am ready for that phone call... and that is the Lord. Completely and totally Jesus. 

"I just want to be not what I am today

I just want to be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in your passion play

Do you hear when I call
in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words
while I sing this song?"

The Emerald Coast

Different Airport. Final Destination: A Different Place. The Same Routine.
I am waiting for my flight to Rome. I have a little over an hour and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable from the overexposed shoulders, back, and arms that are turning a lovely shade of red from the pool time I had today. Being a girl sucks in this moment- why o why can't I embrace what European women seem to do effortlessly, and go without wearing a bra? I write that, knowing full well if any single one of you were here right now, I'd say that out loud and complain, I don't care who you are.

I am wrapping up my three day jaunt to the island of Sardenia, after staying in Baja Sardenia on the Emerald Coast at a truly remarkable place. I have not much to report. I didn't go to a single museum. I didn't see a single piece of architecture dating some ridiculously old date about when it was built. I saw the water. I heard waves. I saw blue's in the Sea that I don't see in the Ocean's at home. I lounged in the sun, I waded and swam in the pool. I applied sunscreen (although not liberally enough today), and I ate lunch outside at the Beach Bar. I barely spoke. But I talked. For most of Friday and Saturday morning I struggled with narrowing my thoughts down into basics- just blissful relaxation... I was so wound up from my city pace that sitting still, reading, and making sure that my back got the appropriate sun attention to be even with the front I was almost bored. Which sounds like I'm complaining. It wasn't bored in the little kid way, "Parents you must entertain me...NOW". It was more of a restlessness. It took a good while to breathe in and out not thinking obsessively about one thing or another. I had started "Redeeming Love" last week sometime and only read 2 chapters. I wanted to wait for the time at the pool. I finished it this morning, all 400+ pages were read while sunbathing from Friday, to this afternoon. I have read it before, I will probably in this lifetime read it again. I heard and felt different things this time around, which was the hope as I prepared for this trip in packing it. I still love it. But I love it for different reasons right now, and that is a lovely surprise at the end of the marathon read session. I wish in some ways I had paced myself in order to enjoy it more, but once you start you just can't stop. If you've read it, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Highlights of this weekend...

1) AMAZING water pressure in the shower, and a bathtub.

2) "The Emerald Coast" was in fact emerald, and blue, and amazing nuances of colors I don't know the names for.

3) A Queen Size Bed. Like clockwork wake up between 3-4am, wide eyed and alert. Which is so random. But it's also when my phone usually beeps, because its about that time Stateside someone that loves me is writing me an email that registers on the iPhone. Sometimes I ignore the beep, to save something for the morning, and other times I can't help it and just want to know who it was, what they said, if they miss and love me... you know the thrill of "You've Got Mail" after 2 weeks alone is really significant. ;)

4) Dinner Saturday night. I took the walk from where I'm staying to the center of town, which is half the size of Lexington's Main Street. I sat down outside and had the most charming waiter- he will become my 2nd favorite older gentleman that I've met in Italy. He spoke English really well, and he was warm in a way I bet he's the most wonderful father, grandfather and husband to his wife. I enjoyed him so much I didn't want to leave, and indulged myself in Tiramisu. I sat for awhile after and he came and asked me about where I'm from, and asked the most random question, "How do you like your new President?"... which just made me laugh out loud. When it was time for my check I asked him if it was free, he laughed and returned with it, but also an ice cold bottle of some liquor native to the Island that I can't remember the name of now, and a frosted shot glass. He complimented me, and poured me a shot of the most vibrant purple and red liquid I've ever seen, and I sipped it before swinging it back (which made him smile at me endearingly and showered me with compliments about my cuteness... I liked him). It was good- but my lungs burned it was so intense even though it was absolutely delicious. He poured me a 2nd shot and I took my time with that one as my face was flushed, and my stomach felt a little queasy... I stood up when I was finished and he walked over to me. We talked a little bit about the weather, and as I went to leave I thanked him for the after dinner beverage, and I touched his arm to thank him warmly for the conversation. He told me to come back to visit his Island, and I said I hoped I would one day. It was a great dinner, and it has now been ranked among a very long and quickly growing list of favorite moments of this trip. 

5) I watched the sun set and returned to my room. A little while after the dark had come for no real reason I went out to the balcony of my room. To the right was the coast, the night sky was sprinkled with stars. It was magical. I turned to my left as I went to go inside, and saw the most wonderful round, and perfectly white moon. I stopped. I stared. I marveled at its perfection. I thought about the day I said something silly to Matty about a 'full sun'. I thought about home. I thought about how I was six hours ahead, and wondered if for the ride home from a long day at work on Day 1 if the moon would be as bright, full, and beautiful for a friend. It was one of those moments in my head and my heart that I knew deeply and truly distance didn't matter. If I stayed here forever (which I'm not, while I will admit its a thought that intensifies each day)- that I would always be under the same sky as my family, my dog, my friends, and my memories.

6) I feel so peaceful here. I received an email yesterday which completely echoed my deepest contentment while also addressing the trip back home, it said: "It's so corny, but I feel like you are in that place, 'home is where your heart is'. I hope you will continue to feel at home and refreshed in Italy, but that as your days wind down you will be prepared to come back home without leaving your heart there." 

I read the email twice... and I prayed that I would understand the message well in my heart as to grasp truly that this state of heart, and feeling that I can't put words to can last and is not limited to where my body is. If there is any struggle about this experience, it is wanting to articulate it better, it is wanting to share it even while combating my deep desire for privacy, it is wanting to believe without a shred of doubt that like the sky- it will be the same regardless of the continent I reside. I am working through pushing myself to open up about what I'm thinking about, I have sensed myself remain quiet when I know that I normally would have a thousand things to say... but instead am not pouring my heart out in ways I have in the past. It's not that I'm waiting for someone to try and break down walls, its not necessarily a wall I've built, I'm just in a guarded, protected place... there is nothing wrong with this state, although I sense I will not be able to remain in there for much longer. 

Maybe I'm just waiting for the right question. 

Maybe I'm just waiting to see that its safe. 

Maybe I'm just quiet because I'm afraid once I start speaking 

I won't be able to take any of it back. 
Maybe I'm just exercising caution in a place I typically live with reckless abandon. 

Maybe I just want to hold this sacred for just a little bit longer. 

"I wanna feel redemption flowing through my veins
I wanna see with clear eyes beyond lust and hate
I want the war to be over and know the good guys won
I want love to hold me and know I'm not alone

Standing round a willow weeping
We're praying in the backyard
And the chill of the night, the friendship light reminded me,
Who we are.

Will you hold the light for me?
Will you hold the light for me?"

-Caedmon's Call

Refine Me. The Call. Matty's Playlist of Wonder.

I went to Thailand a few days before Christmas 2007, so I was able to exchange gifts with friends and family before my trip. The last house dinner before the Holiday we had a family gift exchange, dinner, and birthday cake for Jesus. Of all of the house dinners the past three years, that night is still among one of my most treasured. Matty gave me the most perfect gift... a Moleskine with prompts, questions, and thoughts to send me off to Thailand, accompanied by three CD's that he had made specifically for my trip tucked away inside the back pocket. 

Across the world, I went through his gift, and as each page turned I celebrated the gift of his friendship he wrote on the pages with his own thoughts and questions for me on my journey. I found myself returning to the play lists he created more and more and as I continued through the month away, I would send emails back about one particular song that I loved, or any random thought I had while I was listening to it. Matt was in Thailand. I think what blows me away even now, as I continue to celebrate and appreciate what that trip was, is how "the boys" in their distinctive ways spoke to me during that time, encouraged me, and helped guide me through what was at times difficult and painful and brought me back home again. With modern technology I was able to see Tex via iChat, and got to hang out with him a couple of times, and with the gift Matt has in selecting magical sets of music- I had a soundtrack to every moment in which I needed to escape into my thoughts with the help of my iPod. 

Not wanting to leave for Europe without having a similar experience with Matt's friendship, one night I asked him if he would make me a play list. He says now that there is different pressure because he knows that I am the over analytical song lyric thinker, so when he made it- it was with a different objective. It's true. I think about each song, I listen to each lyric, I have ones that I love, ones that I don't particularly favor... some make me laugh, some make me cry... some pull my heart into a thousand different directions- and others bring me back home in my heart even while far away. 

I wrote in my previous entry that I have not been listening to my iPod, that I've wanted to have all my senses open and aware as I move through the city streets, museums, churches, and sitting in Piazza's scattered across Italy. That thought is still true. Today however, I finished my errands and wanted to write. I just wanted to finish my last day in Florence sitting in my room, in my favorite chair (which I still regret I didn't take a picture of), and just write. To myself. To the Lord. To home. I knew that I wouldn't be able to send a single email that I wrote, but they are waiting... they are ready. I decided to start spending the time going through the 4 CD long play list Matty made for me. It is no coincidence that some of my favorite writing of my trip came today in the midst of laughing at some of the songs, tearing up at others, and just listening....

Tonight I sit at a cafe in the Firenze Aeroporto. I still don't have wireless... I still don't have the capacity to send any one of the novels I wrote to those I love, but I wanted to read some of the things I wrote and to reflect on the honesty that was able to pour out without distraction or pretentiousness. I clicked on a song, on Disc 2, and was greeted by Jennifer Knapp's prayer in her song "Refine Me". I may have just crumbled at this table... and if not for the people surrounding me I would be a puddle of tears. Wednesday was a hard day. I was anxious, tired, and just scared much of the morning and well into the afternoon. I couldn't shake thoughts of grief, that someone at home died, I don't know... I was just in a state of fear that I can't describe and I couldn't really pull myself out of. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to call home and seem panicked and worry anyone who would answer, but the anxiety was real. There was no one here to make it better, and there was nothing said to ease the burden. I was alone, here, to contemplate and pray that it would subside and for whatever reason it existed, that the Lord would make it known to me. Which is also why this particular song moves me now, after succeeded the day and triumphed over the anxiety I know deeply and truly that I was heard by the Savior, and He answered. I was alone, there was no one to touch, and there was no voice to speak common sense to me... the half day was lonely and isolating but after? Wonderful. I sought the Lord and prayed, I prayed that He would "come rescue this child". And He did.

I have thought that if there was one song to define my journey it would be Regina Spektor'ssong "The Call", which both Matt and Tex included on music play list's for my trip. Neither one of them knew it at the time, but I had been fairly obsessed with that song for weeks. When thinking about life, relationships, what to do and how it'd all be, I found myself singing that song to myself. Then in getting ready for leave, I was able identify to much of that song, that sometimes I wonder if she wrote it knowing that one day I would be listening to it living out each lyric. That song inspires me, moves me, and instills in this heart that both seeks and fears change- that I will return home, and "they" (those I love) will be waiting. However, Refine Me is my hopes desire for this time. It is what my heart aches and burns for, and it is my deepest prayer and most sincere hope. I came here searching for some truth, some hope, some change, some love, a lot of Jesus, a lot of who I really am... in a single note, and single word I echo Jennifer's prayer, that the Lord would take me and my heart and refine me. Create in a me a wonder that resembles Himself, not one filled with my own thoughts, wants, desires, motivations, judgements, fears, hurts, or issues. 

I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was fifteen. I am now twenty eight. I have walked away from Him in moments that were only an instant, and I have found myself at times in a dry, dark, lonely place seeking to understand doubt. I have made choices that have pushed me further away from His love and purpose. I have compromised what He desires for me, because I have thought I was and am so much smarter. I have forgotten the sacrifice on the cross, and that in it I am made clean. I have been angry in my hurt unable to grasp His purpose and timing. I have questioned Him more then I've trusted Him, and I have been preoccupied more then I've been on my knees simply basking in His glory and thanking Him. 

In light of those things... I have seen His promise in the rainbow's. I have felt His kiss in the rain storms. I have known His grace by changes in my heart. I have heard Him in the Radio, as He knows how to get my attention that way... :) 
All this time after accepting the Lord into my heart I sit here on this Thursday night, looking out at the hills of the Tuscan landscape asking for the same thing I have for the past fourteen years... Lord.... Refine Me. Change Me. Burn my Desires. 

So while I have sensed that in leaving and having been gone that my heart understood the poignant lyrics in "The Call", and even now reading the lyrics I associate home with that song. I associate that song with the people I left there, and the way I will return having my memories-- and in the struggle of having them live only in my heart and not with anyone else who may have shared them. In my mind I hear the question of approaching change and growth and I desperately want to know that when I call, that there will be answer- that they'll come back. I want to know for sure, I want to touch the answer... 

But while I am gone? In each sunrise, sunset, strangers smile, piece of history... in each quiet moment sitting reading, starting out in the wide open blue, in each email read from someone loving me in the distance, and in each postcard I write... I seek the Lord to use it all for His good and purpose... I seek Him to refine me during this time, and allow me to remember the goodness I found when I was alone in my thoughts and conversation with Him, when there was no one here to talk to that I knew...

Matty. Great Job. Oh Your Playlist of Wonder.

Refine Me
By: Jennifer Knapp

I come to this place
Burning to receive Your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain

You're my God and my Father
I've accepted Your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?

Lord, come with Your fire
Burn my desires
Refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me 
Refine Me

My heart can't see when I only look at me
My soul can't hear, when I only think of my own fears.
And they are gone in a moment, your forever the same
Why did I look away from you, how can I speak your name?

Lord, come with your fire, burn my desires
Refine me.

Lord, my will has deceived me, please come and free me
Come rescue this child, cause I long to be reconciled to you...
It's all I can do, to give my heart and soul to you,
and pray... and pray... and I will pray... Refine Me. 

Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
It's all I can do 
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray... oh I will pray
Refine Me. 


The Call
By: Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til there was a battle cry,
I'll come back when you call me...
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it its never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are 
as you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when its over
No need to say goodbye, 
You'll come back when its over...
No need to say goodbye. 

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too,
doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes, you'll come back 
When they call you, no need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say goodbye

Italy.

A Ridiculously Long Blog Update. If you make it to end, let me know and I'll give you a cookie when I return.

It may have taken awhile but I am finally writing. It has been a slow process to get myself here.

I have been in Italy for a week now, with not having Internet at my apartment I have utilized my limited time online with emailing fervently and without much articulation to those I can while connected to wifi. The lack of Internet at home has been good in some ways but also frustrating in others. with the amazing international roaming feature on the iPhone I am able to check my emails, surf Facebook, get the latest in weather forecasting, and generally feel in touch without really being in touch. It's the one sided sense of communication that is challenging. I have received great, thoughtful, and funny emails from friends and family trying to stay close to me, but i can't respond with much more then a few sentences at a time, because pegging on the iPhone keyboard gets a bit tiresome. Besides that, I would like to say about text messages- that I get them for free so never feel bad about writing me- just don't be offended if i don't respond, the single text charge is going to add up REAL quick.

Right now i am sitting on the Eurostar train, which is nicer then most planes I have been on in my lifetime, and am making my way back to Florence from Venice. I have said this on Facebook, and many a postcards I wrote yesterday... be still my heart. I can't remember a time when my heart was so enveloped with a place, in sight and touch. It was simply breathtaking, and I imagine as I move through these 5 weeks I will continue to return to the way I felt during the weekend I just spent here. It was magical, and warm... and romantic but not limited to sensual romance. It was captivating and it was... just my absolute favorite place. Not to mention I got to wear my favorite wrap linen dress, fun shoes, and set out to roam the city streets and cross their bridges completely falling into the feeling this city exudes... lots and lots of love.

This morning I woke up and went about my general business of the morning, partaking in the free breakfast offered by where I am staying, got my things together, and then began the task of utilizing a few hours online before my train in the afternoon. It is cloudy, and cold so I didn't feel like I was breaking some law about not being floating across the Grand Canal on a Gondola. I was able to book however a slurry of hotels, flights, and misc. details for the next four weeks now that I have a much better idea of what I'd like to accomplish and how I'm feeling. It was productive. I was also able to record a few video messages, respond to emails, upload new pictures, and before I knew it time was up before I got the tackle the task of writing this.

While trying to communicate with a friend today I said simply that I didn't know how to connect them with me here. I didn't know how to articulate and explain what I've seen, done, felt, where I've been, and where I hope to go next. The words are slow. They are hard. They almost seem meaningless and so I find myself silent and rendered speechless... in the best and most humbling way possible. I had hoped that just by talking about whatever came to mind was enough, and I laughed thinking about how known I am and how difficult that message was for me to leave. Perhaps even so for the one who received it. I don't know, I'll let you know what they say. (Update: "you were so incredibly uncomfortable :)"... I knew it).

On the docket for the week I am winding down my time in Florence. I have enjoyed my time in the city but I am ready for a new and welcomed change. I have a list of errands to run before I depart on Thursday night, which include laundry, shipping things home that I do not need, and one more sunset on the Ponte Vicchio bridge while indulging myself in Bacio Gelato (Nutella flavor, still my favorite perhaps next to combining Frutti Botti with Ananas, mixed berry and pineapple).

A list to help and this will be repeated information for some, so humor me while I talk more about the things I've already emailed.

1) Home.
I don't mean to reference the one in Virginia, but the one here. Italy feels like home. It feels like a warm blanket, and it invites you in easily. The Italian's may not appreciate an only English speaker, but I'm picking up my phrases here and there, which really has me thinking more in Spanish then anything... perhaps a sign that I should pursue speaking Spanish fluently for that trip to Spain I long to go on. I hear myself respond with all sorts of pleasantries, and I'm amazed at how while I don't speak to anyone for most of the day how the deep and grateful sense of being at home has at times nothing to do with who you are with, or where you are... its a notion of heart and contentment. So far, a week into this five week journey- I am glad to report that the good Lord has instilled in my heart a sense of comfort, peace, and satisfaction while missing and desiring so many things about my life so far away from here. Those have fallen in their respects to the way side and I am thankful that while I catch myself in a moment wishing for the company of one particular person or another to be sitting with me, I am most happy when in being alone I am not lonely. So far. So good. This could change at any moment, but I pray sincerely that the Father continues to bless my heart in this way so that I can see with wide eyes, and I can absorb without distraction all that I will find here in this home away from home.

2) My Voice.
Because I'm solo all day, most days I don't hear myself talk much. I am surprised when I am on my way to bed as I recall events of the day that mattered to me, and how those things have nothing to do with a conversation I had with a friend over lunch, or a phone date taken place while my feet dangled off the hammock. I think last week I went two days without speaking more then two sentences, which was so completely different then my experience in my normal routine in the States. It's a strange thing to not recognize yourself when you do speak but also how completely comforting to know that I am still being heard... because I spend so much of my days in thought with myself and in talking to the Lord. It's amazing. I wish for everyone to experience that kind of solitude.

3) Tidal Waves.
Despite contentment found in feeling at home, and the solitude in lack of speaking there are moments that catch me by surprise and for a moment I lose my footing a little bit and I just feel a little lost. Its like without warning they sweep in and I stand in what feels like a puddle of emotion that has no where to drain. I don't have them often but when I do I know what specifically triggered them, and I try to work my way through the feeling, and let the feeling go. Perhaps its part of the process of thought, and how its inevitable that without sharing my heart openly on a daily basis in communicating with someone I know, that allows the overwhelming sense of heart to capture a moment. I am not upset or troubled, just being honest that its not all roses and rainbows in Kari Land while in Europe. The Lord has brought to light things that I have ignored, and I have been able to think without distraction about things that matter to me, things and people that I fight for, and come to terms with hurts that I thought I have long since let go of, but truly have not. Learning. Trusting. Patience. Perspective. I'm working through it.


4) The iPod.
I haven't really listened to it. I actually have not listened to much of anything. When I am getting ready in the morning sometimes I will put on my current obsessed play list on my computer and not pay much attention to it in the process. I sing to myself melodies in my head during the day, and random song lyrics come to mind when I'm in particular place or doing something that reminds me of someone I love. I can't explain why I don't listen to it, I just have such an aversion to walking around with my ears covered. I just want all my senses in some way to be alive, I want to hear kids laughing at performers on the streets, and I want to hear the musicians in the square... I want to hear tid bits from English speaking tour guides that surround me in large groups in any given place- I just don't want to miss it, so I just leave the iPod at home.

5) The Photos.
I am happy with many of them, and I feel like out of the hundreds I have shot this week that there are a few that have proven to reflect my skill and style...but its so challenging to convey what I see into the images. I hope that they are inspired and not flat reflections of what I am looking at. I'm trying to not be critical and not think too much about them in the process of capturing each image. I am just taking pictures hoping that when I look down at the screen what is shown back to me is something of my own perspective and notion. It's been amazing.

6) Beauty.
We are all told that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "Beauty is only skin deep"... as little girls we dream of growing up and being a princess, and one day of being a bride. Our association with beauty is always always influenced by what commercially is trendy or valued. It's impossible at times to not feel insufficient, or not pretty enough growing up- and by the time you hit your 20's, the insecurity either dissipates from confidence learned, or has been so ingrained into our heads that no common sense or reason can break through and convince us any different. I am not a tall, slender, have perfect skin, or am a perfectly groomed girl. I know this. Most days I don't even think about it. Then there are moments when the battle of heart gets in the way of understanding that I am a daughter of the King, and its so easy to get lost.
I mention all of this because its important to note that since I have arrived, I have heard daily that I am beautiful. Every day there is some random Italian man ranging in their creepiness asserting themselves to me while I walk through a crowd, or as I sit in a Piazza that compliments me on my appearance. Now. In most moments I am put off and I want to know what they want to steal from me as I talk to them flirtatiously. Last Sunday I sat next to charming older Italian man. His face reflected a life well lived in his wrinkles, and he was impeccably dressed. He talked to me for awhile in Italian, all the while knowing that I could not understand him. He showed me things in the book I was reading about Florence, and pointed into several directions ways that I should go, and time I should spend while going that way. He was animated and used his hands to articulate words he knew I could not understand. After spending 30 minutes just smiling, nodding, and entertaining him with my attention he got up and left. As he made his way down off the step where we were perched, he looked up and back at me and said goodbye and that I was beautiful in Italian. To be clear, and to be certain I understood, he then smiled and paused and repeated his sentiment to me in English. I could not miss it. He was genuine, warm, and enchanting. I felt like in any other circumstance or moment it would have been the creepiest scenario, but it was divine... and when he said it I believed he meant it, and in a great moment of affirmation and security, I knew that it was true.

Beauty. Sometimes we get these moments away from the dark thoughts and insecure moments we race ourselves through- and are given a window. A light shines in, and everything that we thought wasn't good enough, or all the little things we compare to others are completely diminished. They are made small. They are made as small as the reality of how the insecurity made us feel in its birth. The heart is still, the eyes are wide and bright... all is illuminated and we are able to celebrate that we, as we are, are completely enough- and completely beautiful.

I love that lesson more then I have loved any Piazza, any Gelato, any church, or any other moment. I will remember that for the rest of my life, and pray that security and light grows, and glows, and intensifies as it resembles more of how the Creator views me- in His image and Love.



7) Return.
When I emailed my first prayer email to those special people, I included my return as my last request. If I came back to the States today I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I would pack up every thing I own into boxes, sell what I don't really need, and grab Gracie and go- somewhere new and different... I don't know if I feel called to a new place or new thing- I just feel like in some ways its hard to imagine this girl that sits here right now on this train will still be able to live in Lexington without reverting back to the girl who left. I'm just being honest. I hope that feeling changes as I grow and am changed by this experience over time and circumstance... that I will have more time to enjoy this version of me as it grows into the next one... and the next one... and then to the one that will arrive at 10pm on a Thursday night to Roanoke, Virginia.

My novel is complete. My words are done, for now.

La manco. L'amo. Lei è Bello. 

To be clear and be sure that you understand... 

I miss you. I love you. You are beautiful.