Seeds Planted

Today I drove by one of my neighbors down the road, walking back and worth in his newly sowed garden. His head was down, his left hand cupped- holding something he kept pulling from, and he was quietly moving along the rows dropping seeds into the ground. The weather outside is marvelous, a little overcast but the temperatures are pleasant in the 60's. If you close your eyes you can almost fool yourself into believing that the grass has begun its turn to green, that flowers are beginning their assent to burst above the surface, and that spring has arrived. 

There was something about watching the man plant seeds in his garden that struck a cord with me. I suppose its two fold: 

1) Despite modern technology and advancements in the world and how we utilize them to nurture the soil to produce large crops for our exporting and for our people to purchase... for some those technologies are not important. Having a vehicle in which to produce more, faster, more effectively, and precisely is of no interest to the man living down the street from my house. He works his land, he plants his seeds, he will reap the rewards of his labor when the spring soaks the earth and the sun feeds the stems that begin to bloom. It has nothing to do with fancy equipment or shiny progressive methods... its just him, and his purpose is simple and refined. 

2) How often do I think that my life can be solved or explained in direct relationship of technology and the speed in which we live our lives? 

I have this strange expectation that everything I desire to see, touch, experience, and feel is completely at my beck and call. I run through days, moments, and conversations- and I only truly find myself rested when I know that I've been productive and accomplished many things on a to do list. My value is not in what I do, how much I can do, or how well I can do it. My expectation of having everything handed to me is completely sinful and my reliance on things that our culture tells me to believe is damaging. I can't google my wedding date, my future spouses' name, what I should have for dinner, where I'm going to be in 6 months, if a friend is going to hurt me, if I'm going to be happy, or the circumstances around my own death. And yet, sometimes I look to my phone (I mean, if the iPhone was a human, it would completely have a God Complex)... truth is  I have a God Complex about my phone. I think I can google whatever I want to know, that when I'm thirsty it will give me a glass of water, or when I'm craving Gum- that it will provide.

To combat what I think my phone can do, and what I think I should know at my command I started leaving my phone at home when I'm out running errands, or if I'm at home I will leave it in my room. If I hear it ring, great- but if I don't that's ok, they'll leave a voice mail if its really important. I have begun to notice how often all my friends and I check our phones when watching TV, hanging out at dinner, or just in the car... I am trying to stop doing this so much in my own life. 

The moment today watching the man work quietly in the warmth of the sun had me asking some questions:

a) What seeds am I planting in my life that I am choosing to walk slowly through the garden, with my head down in prayer and gently holding my dreams, hopes, and fears cupped in my left hand as my other hand reaches for them to release them into fertile soil?

b) How often do I think that shiny new progressive things, thought, or tools are of more value because they get the job done faster, which I perceive is "better"?

c) Am I willing to wait to know the future, and let go of wanting to know right NOW? Am I willing to change my expectation so that I'm not constantly disappointed by the lack of answers, or the insufficient search results in my google quest?

d) Do I trust that the Lord is speaking to me in places I don't often listen for His voice?

I mention this because I had a conversation with Tex today that I think I may have been pouting about when I walked away (ok yes, I was pouting, and I was frustrated as crap). I made my sarcastic comments, and I yelled when he said something that made him for a moment act like a jerk, still kind of pissed about that, but I'm getting over it. In our chat, he completely told me that I couldn't think about something. Ok friends, when am I ever not allowed to think about something? He then followed up by asking me what my fear, thoughts, or questions had any impact on the day at hand. I rolled my eyes. The more important question came next: "How does this impact tomorrow?" He did what he does best- and that is focus the energy back from manic thousand mile an hour thoughts, into simple ones: thoughts that are productive. They are not shiny, and they are not progressive. They have been true for the entire span of mankind and that was: don't worry about tomorrow, it's ok... worrying does not change it. Tex had already spoken to me about this once this week, I heard it the first time and it was a perfectly timed piece of encouragement. Today though, it was in the midst of the panic- and while I know that he's right, I know that debating, contemplating, changing, pursuing, purposing, and freaking out about life does not change what the Lord is at work in. I still had to wonder as I left talking to Tex, Lord... where is your voice in all of this dialogue? 

Sometimes I just want someone to listen, to read a 25 point email ranting, or to just be quiet with me as I stare at nothing. I never would say that I wanted to be told that I couldn't think about something. But that doesn't mean for a second it isn't what I needed. 

That my friends, is why I ask and will finish my question- do I trust that the Lord is speaking to me in places that I don't often listen to His voice... because I don't like what that voice has to say? 

A man today walked back and forth in his garden. He has plans for the seeds he has planted, and he has hopes for what his crop will reap. How often do I forget the work in my heart and life that the Lord has walked carefully in, guided me- never told me to rush or run... the garden that He knows, and loves- and just asks me to rest. In true rest of the Holy Spirit and not in that of an accomplished to do list. 

I also know that He speaks in moments I'm frustrated or pouting. I know this because as I continue to seek the support, care, and friendship of those I love, I know that He is at work in their hearts to love me well. I know that the Lord is in their voices because He knows every so often I will stop. I will listen. I will pause. I will ponder. I will question. I will think. I will be vulnerable. I will be open. I will cry. I will smile. I will laugh. I will allow my hand to be held. I will stop running. I will stand still. I will stop standing and I will sit down.

When those things happen, ranging in their frequency, I hear Him. I see Him. I know that some areas of my life are blooming, some are withering, and some large pieces are being sowed and prepared for what is to come.

My hope, which I have learned to cultivate more of with the influence of a very hopeful friend is that what grows from my heart, and life resembles the creator, a life pursuing His purpose, His timing, and I'm hoping... a sunflower or two. 

A List of Ten

Hi, My Name is Kari... it's been awhile. Without going into much detail about what I've been up to in the past few weeks, I will try and sum it up into a list of 10.

1) The days are getting longer, and this aides a joy in my soul that could not come in any other capacity. I am excited for spring, and I am encouraged by the random warm days that have allowed me to go without a jacket and have flip flops on my feet. 

2) The Boys and I went up North to visit all things Kari. We spent a few days staying with my Mom, and traveled to NYC, Ridgefield, and New Haven. In some ways I was absolutely terrified to take them home and show them things that I love, terrified in the "this is way personal I hope you like things that I like"... of course: they liked everything that I like. I suppose a little list of my favorite things would also help in the articulation of the goodness of the trip:

a) Singing "That's Not My Name" with Matty.

b) Listening to stories get explained by my mother in a way that I had not articulated it to the boys before, because I simply just remember it different. (the bus story being my favorite and most embarrassing clarification by Karen). 

c) The 4 of us playing Mario Kart... I was set up to fail much like playing War with Tex.

d) NYC: the simple goodness of walking along the avenues enjoying each other and eating really really tasty food. Sitting in St. Patricks trying to get on my camera what I could see with my eyes... and relishing a captured moment when it was successful. 

e) The quick chat I had with Felix when I went into the Ice Cream shop to see postcards, some of them ones I have sent over the years still on the door. I love that place. I love the relationships I had there. I miss those conversations Yasna and I would have endlessly in the slow of a winter afternoon. 

f) Blackjack and fighting over the "lucky color skittles". 

g) Martini Shaker- so fun... strangely enough I was the behaved one. Yes, its true. 

h) The Toothbrush Incident... I wish I could write more about it, but I think you just had to be there... it was a priceless moment. 

i) I continue to be thankful that Matty, Tex, and I can hang out and travel together- and with the exception of some visits to "the roof" on Matty's part, he can walk away from five days not hating Tex and I.

3) I am going to Windy Gap this weekend, I'm thrilled about that. My calendar this month was filled with a LOT of friendship and love. March-- will be quieter I think, and I'm ok with that. 

4) I am learning a lot about how I without even being very aware of it, I put conditions on what I offer to Christ hoping that He'll swing it "my way"- and in the end I'm still holding onto this ridiculous notion of control. 

5) Beyonce's CD is really good- but I only like the ballads. I of course would only love the ballads. One song made my heart hurt, but then another made my heart happy. I go back and forth on the way they make me feel, but one thing remains- there are lines in some that completely tell my story, and that is just plain cool. I think if Beyonce and I met, we'd be friends. She's a classy lady. 

6) I'm applying for a short term ministry opportunity in Amsterdam... this occupies most of my daily thoughts. Sometimes I think I want it to be long term. Other times I want it to be one month. Most of the time? I just want to go- so we're going. 

7) I continue to feel normal, balanced, and emotionally sane despite my manic and sometimes crazy thoughts. I am trying to still stay focused and do what I'm supposed to do, and I've had some missteps in recent days- but for the most part I continue to marvel at how differently I feel right now compared to the past few months, while I deal with the same choices and same pressure.

8) I am really lucky. I feel more grateful for things in my life that the Lord has given me to nurture, sustain, and grow me. I am thankful for the choices that I can't seem to make in confidence, so I remain still and quiet waiting on a more direct call from the Lord. I am thankful for the house I live in, the dog that has been driving me crazy that lives here, and the Joyful Spirit where I ate lunch today. I am thankful that I have friends here to love me, and would do anything for me. I'm thankful that I know that is true not because its just something we say, but because I have seen by looking back at moments of true love and selflessness... and I wonder how many times in the past year I ran through completely blind and unable to see what was in front my face the whole time.

9) I've been learning a lot about being honest, being open, and when its important to keep your mouth shut. This has been an interesting lesson. I struggle with what to share right now, so sometimes I prefer to remain silent. When is that ever been my natural way of communication?

10) I don't need more. Right now, what I have, what I'm dealing with, who I love, and who loves me... is completely enough. I may want answers, direction, and purpose... but I don't need it. That will come. 

I don't want to miss this time later, so I'm kicking off my shoes, putting my feet up- and I'm going to watch for every sunset over the mountains and marvel at the love I have had for this place from first sight... I know that the way to my house will not always have the beauty of three crosses on a hill, with a perfectly crafted backdrop. The Lord's creation continues to inspire and define what I am seeking. I am thankful that despite distraction, and pressure... that I am able to enjoy and rest in the beautiful creation of the Master's Hand. It reminds me that His purpose and plan is also in work in the landscape of my heart, and the sharpening of my vision becoming more aligned with His sight.

I am well. I have everything I need. 

"My Friend"

If you look closely and read between the lines in several blog entries you will find a simple reference, "my friend". Who is this person? I didn't realize I did it until the friend I am often referring to brought it to my attention tonight when we were chatting over dinner about how their name is never written out. We laughed. They were right. I never really noticed before. 

Truth is this friend is woven in such an intricate way that in the closing of one of the most difficult years I can recall of my life,  I often wonder how they stood by me through panic and manic bouts of fear and complete pain... our friendship was so new, and there wasn't that very familiar basis for vulnerability that comes with time. Nope... we kind of skipped the steps between just meeting, getting to know each other casually with caution... and jumped right into the heart of the matter: whatever the matter was, applying for jobs, leaving jobs, moving to new states, trying new adventures, and figuring out how to make it through painful situations with those we loved. I honestly have no idea where I'd be right now without their constant, and unwavering love and care. 

I wish more people understood the dynamic, and I wish more people could hear the content of the conversations we have shared in the past year and a half. I know that there is careful caution placed and respected in having such a significant friendship in another that is a boy, and there have been a lot of people come to my side and question whether I was guarding my heart well... and while there have been assumptions, judgements, and opinions- those who have been bold to come to me about them have always had my respect.

I think if people could hear what I hear, they would hear two people trying to sort out where they are going in life and how to pursue Christ completely. They would hear fears, doubts, and questions... and they would know that we were praying, supporting, and walking each other through it all. They would hear that we've talked it all out, and that there is not a topic untouched. If they saw what I saw, they would see someone who empathetically tears up at the sight of my own tears that fall, and they would see someone who could read every thought that remains unspoken in my eyes. They would know that we are family, and while everyone else has tried to define, question, and categorize our friendship to something they understand... we remain. That is just the way it is. I often try to hide the tender moments, or the ways that I am loved well not wanting to stir opinions and questions, in light of that protection I have been able to learn that the best things in life are not always the things shouted, but unspoken between two friends.  

I know what it is... even if I at times doubt it, or push it away because having a friend so close to the heart is scary. I believe that through changes, and difficulties in life and with each other, that our friendship despite those dynamics, the very core will remain... because what has built it up will be the same thing that will keep it standing: and that is Christ. 

We often talk about later in life a desire that we would like to get everyone we know and love to retire in the same place... in Arizona. While my heart has been cautious about false promises, or trusting 'things people say'... and there are many reasons that our idyllic idea of "Arizona when we're 80" won't happen... there is always this moment in the midst of the banter, and even tears when discussing something hard that I can catch a glimpse of a warm afternoon by the pool and this friend throwing the walker to the side and pushing me in just for fun. Sometimes, I can even feel the water splash my face and can sense my hand reaching out to drag them in along side me. 

My Friend... Andrew Piper... is quite possibly the best friend I've ever had. While I will meet many more special people that I will grow to love perhaps even more then this friendship- it will never change what is right now. And that my friends, is a friend who has 'found me in darkness, in the cold, and reached their heart out to me so that I could be pulled back from the edge. It is a friend that when I was drowning, when I was so confused, pulled me through. They gave me my faith back when it was so hard to find, and in turn gave me my life back- and their strength was what made me strong... they held me and I held on'. 

The Lord gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. For me that came in the form a six foot seven gentle giant to help me along, to make me laugh, to occasionally bruise an arm in an elbow fight, to sit and talk endlessly about matters of the heart, to hold me accountable to taking care of myself better, to instill in me that they are not going to walk away, to encourage me to pursue my dreams that may take me half way around the world, to seek loving Christ and His purpose above all other voices- and that despite all the 'place's we'll go', our friendship will remain... because thats just how it is. 

 

Doubt

What is truth? I went to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary to see what they had to say about truth... in their list of definitions the last one being number four said simply:

4: capitalized by Christian Science : God

I think that's interesting. And while I do not support the Christian Science principals, I've got to say that God is a very perfect definition to what Truth is. 

I have gotten back into the swing of my bible study on Monday night's and felt like the discussion and lecture were very much about topics that I have been working through in my heart- and that has been atonement, forgiveness, sin, truth and lies. It has been a common thread in some friendships as vulnerability has reigned and life continues to move along. I have been open about my heart and concerns in ways that I know the Lord encourages, but I have often asked myself if my desire in being honest is so that trust will grow and exist between the one I am talking to, or if the vulnerability is really about me trusting that the Lord will be my comforter, and be my security in a place that I am unsure... and trying to not be paralyzed in fear. 

To be honest and quite frank: I doubt some core things right now. I am not sure how much I believe in promises of forever, friendship, the future, or what love is between two people. I don't doubt Christ, and don't doubt my relationship with Christ, but I know that any comparison on this earth to that of my relationship with the Lord is going to fall short. So in the past I can say I have struggled with accepting love from others, or Grace from others- which has been a direct reflection of my inability accept it from the Lord as well... right now I feel like I have been disapointed in our earthly execution of love, truth, and friendship... and how we just fail our own potential on a daily basis. This perpetuates a level of doubt. This is what I have been thinking about often... the let down, the fear, and the concern.

I am past the point of return in some friendships. You know how you can have your acquaintances, "fan clubs", friends, true friends, best friends, soul mates, family? The varying degree of emotional intimacy is dependant on the dynamic that two people bring to the table, and the assessment of ease in the risk to be vulnerable and break through some walls. 

Right now in my life I can rejoice in that I can look across a room and can catch a pair of eyes and know that we are laughing at the same thing, at the same moment- while anyone else sitting among us is without a clue the exchange even happened. In that same moment, I wonder when did I lose the protection of being my own person, having my own thoughts, and hiding behind a shield... a shield that could withstand change, consequence, fears, and feelings? When did the shield disappear that protected someone from looking at me, and knowing instantly and without a question how I'm doing, how my day was, or what I'm thinking about? When did that wall... just... vanish? And I suppose a more important difficult question is, if I could replace the wall... would I? 

What is the truth in those thoughts?

What are the questions that bring to light the answer that true friendship is what we are all seeking, and when you find it you can't let it go? 

How can I work myself out of this place of doubt? 

What is it really going to take?  

Is it a silent hug that doesn't let go until the heart stops racing so fast, and the embrace is trusted?

I don't know where some friendships come from, and I don't understand why some friendships leave. I don't know why I've had to move on from some, and then there are others I find impossible to let go. I wonder often if I am running from the truth, or if it is the only sane thing that I continue to move towards. I just want a life of integrity. I just want relationships that I know I'm being told what is real, and even in the smallest moment what is said is completely true and not a shred of a lie exists between the lines. 

I doubt right now, and that is just the truth. I am still able to laugh, be myself, talk about random things or important ones... but I just have this sense that I don't know what to believe in what I'm told, or how not to attach hope on promises I know that we, as people- can't keep, but can't help but say anyway.  

So this entire issues of truth, lies, disappointments, shelters, safety, and hope all wrapped into one are what I have been going to the Lord about- asking for wisdom, praying for discernment... begging for courage to Love in spite of my doubt, and to Trust His purpose and plan in my relationships that have nothing to do with walls, boundaries, and self preservation. To give my whole heart to Christ, and understand that I am called to love others out of my love for the Lord... regardless of the doubt, or the price. 

"Wasn’t it the pain that brought us together
Wasn’t it the heart ache that brought me to you?
Wasn’t it the look that you saw in my eyes that told you, I knew what you’d been through

Wasn’t it the hunger, that made us want more
Wasn’t it the hurt, that made it easier, to forget the things we both left behind
Cause I’ve been hiding’, all my life and, I’ve been trying to keep me safe
But, I am healing, I’ve been thinking, I am ready, finally for something more… than this

Wasn’t it the ache, that brought us here
Didn’t it feel good, to only need each other
Wasn’t it our way to feel this was life
Cause I’ve been hiding, all my life and, I’ve been trying to keep me safe
But I’ve been healing, I’ve been thinking, I am ready finally for something more…than this

What if it’s just me that can’t keep it together

What if it’s too much, too much for me to take
What if I want you, just to walk away
From all the pain, we have both been through
Cause I’ve been hiding, all my life and, I’ve been trying to keep me safe
But, I’ve been healing, I’ve been thinking, I am ready… finally"

-Keri Noble

Free To Be

Few things in life make me happier then someone sending me a text message with the song title of a song that they think I need to download as soon as possible... and having the iPhone? Makes that instantly a reality. I love that I have friends in my life that 1) know I have a deep appreciation for the written lyric 2) share this passion with equal fervor. Today I got a text message telling me to download "Free to Be Me" by Francesca Battistelli. (The lyrics are in typical fashion included on the bottom of this entry). I have just now sat down to take a listen to what I downloaded a few hours ago amidst the chatter and laughter of house dinner, and this friend's suggestion: spot on. 

For those of you who don't know this but I know I'm stating the obvious... I've been stressed, strained, panicked, and freaked out about my life and future for months now. I have felt lost, alone, directionless, disapointed, and defeated. In this state I have felt at times sad, depressed, frustrated, exasperated, and completely indifferent. I left on the turn of the New Year to pursue a move. In that move I was seeking where the Lord has purposed for me, and I was seeking a change. I am ready. I am ready... I am ready.

For something. Something different. Something hard. Something new. Something fresh. Something completely separate from everything that I know right now. Something... I am ready.  

The Lord? Has had some different ideas. What I learned in my time away had very little to do with where I should move, work, and play. It was more about my heart, my soul, my body, my everything... which has absolutely no impact on where this heart, soul, body, and everything should live. That simple awareness and change did more for my future then I could even explain here alone, and it did more to change my thought process then I could begin to understand at one time. Everyday of the past four weeks I have been humbled by how the Lord can take what we offer him and completely mold us into something different, and unlike what we can imagine on our own. While I am still stressed, strained, panicked, freaked out, feel lost, alone, directionless, disappointed, and defeated... the sadness, frustration, exasperation, and indifference continue to wane... 

I feel different about all of them. They don't control my outlook, and they have not diminished my hope. I am not moved to tears on a daily basis by the unknown, and I am not codependent on another to get me through it. I am not holding things back from those that want to know, and I'm not sugar coating the process to protect anyone involved. I am still meeting with the Lord on a daily basis with a heart of submission and one that is trying to understand the depth of trust I currently operate out of, and praying for that to increase. 

So... "Free to Be Me" completely touches on a part of my spirit that has shifted. The part that isn't so moved my frustration to impulsively pursue every last option that could be "good enough". I still struggle in the thought processes of 'picking' and just going- and wanting to make the best of it. I know that I'm not going to be in Lexington, Virginia for the long haul. I know that my days are dwindling down, and I wish I knew what that meant... but I don't. What I do know is that I am working through it all, and I'm putting pieces together. I am trying not to get so distracted by relationships that are struggling, that I forget to focus on where my heart is. I am trying to stay centered in things of truth, and voices of reason- and not the silence that can cast doubt, and fear can loom. I am trying to be open with each question asked, and I'm trying to not base my answers on what others think or want to hear. 

I am ready. I am ready to let it all go, but I'm also in a place that understands with sincerity that to be here during this time of decision also means to be completely here. It means to laugh with those I love, and hug friends as I see them and say goodbye... it means gathering around a table to share a meal and not think about the next time. It means being submersed and content in each moment I have, because I know that the call is going to come and I will have to let this go. It means I continue to fight for love in places I want to protect myself, and quit. It means that I have to trust that I'm being told the truth and that in another I can rest my fear to be met with their friendship. I know what it all means. I fight my doubt. But I am no longer fighting the Lord in this place. I am simply begging Him to come along side me, and to help me see that remaining isn't the same as staying... and that surviving this isn't the same thing as truly living it... I am asking Him for hope- an endless supply of hope... all the while I'm seeking to know what no one is ever told: how its all going to be, and that this is all worth it. 

I am ready for something... and while I have thought that something has meant everything else, I know that right now, all that I think about and am going through at this moment is what I am most ready and prepared for. I am hopeful that the value of the experience to Love, and to Love well in any expression of which will always be worth more then risk. 

Free to Be Me
Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe