In Two Years

In two years what will I think about my life during this time? I think about my life two years ago, I think about the image that comes to mind- and I am both thankful for the Grace from the Lord that allows us to grow and change...but I think of the very difficult emotional time I was going through. I had just returned from California just two months before as what I felt at the time, a completely different person. The trials in the trauma of losing someone as particularly unique as I was going through proved to be quite the emotional challenge. No doubt that grief alone is difficult, but I don't think I will ever really be able to see in an objective way the toll grief took on my heart, my relationships with my family, my friendships around me, and the way I felt about my relationship with Christ. Two years ago in October 2005 I was just trying to pull myself together and keep focused. Focused on what? I have no idea. Normalcy. Movement. Distraction. Healing from Christ alone.

In two years what will I be able to identify as my focus during October 2007? I have now been in Lexington for almost a month. A detour I had not anticipated. A destination I did not plan to visit for more then days at a time. The routine of going was comfortable and cathartic, staying? Staying was opening up a whole new part of this adventure I wasn't prepared for. I postponed a trip to Saranac because I just felt like being home was important. I didn't have any elaboration to it then that. Just felt like it was something I needed to do. Investing in my home life, watching the transition happen with Jen and Mandy switching out, to see the everyday... now I am preparing to head out to Kentucky for a week, and do some fun "work", visit friends, and in a weird way reintroduce myself into society. Oh the accessibility larger towns and cities have, which I got so accustomed to while living in CT, and then when I've been able to travel over the past three months. The Starbucks'! The Targets! The Cheesecake Factory's! Fantastic Options!

This week has been a good week. I successfully healed from my cold, I don't need the assistance of Nyquil to help me get through 8 hours of rest at night, and my days have not been occupied with thoughts of laziness or "what should I do today?". My dad has been down here since Monday- and I always enjoy his visits. Before he arrived I tackled the garage with some help from a friend, that even suggested "hey, why don't we organize your garage tomorrow". Seriously people, what a great friend. I had struggled for months with the "storage unit" business I've been running out of the garage for everyone moving it and out, and moving around. In only one hour the garage was straightened out, things were thrown away, and a garbage bag full of leaves were swept up. To finish the job, we even went the dump before resting for lunch.

Stan the Man showed up in the afternoon, perfectly timed with the last batch of double chocolate chip cookies I made for his time here. The days have been filled with misc. town errands, a trip to Richmond to meet up with my brother and sister in law for dinner, and just hanging out at the house. While his search for post-Connecticut living options continues, I am encouraged by the idea of having a parent live near by in the future. While my personal journey is unknown, and where I might end up could change a thousand times before a box is even packed, it is my prayer that I would be able to enjoy living here in this place for awhile longer, especially with the possible addition of my father.

In other news life is quiet. Emotionally, I am still being stretched. I am still aware that everyday is a gift that I get to live this adventure. I am not aching for productivity in a way that causes me to go stir crazy with anxiety, I am moving along and enjoying this time. I have had some difficult conversations with friends- and at times may have pushed the envelope a little too hard. I have been given encouragement in knowing glances and empathetic eyes as I tell random stories, and continue to be vulnerable. I have stumbled in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, saying the wrong thing all together, and I have triumphed in not editing myself, being bold, honest, and completely clueless all at the same time.

In Two Years.
What will you remember about where you are right now? What questions will you be battling out in your life? What doubts will be attaching themselves to your Faith, in friends, in family, in purpose, in yourself, or your Faith in Christ?
What songs will be important to you? As a lover of music that touches my heart I often smile when I come across a CD I made in the past with all the songs that were important to me during that time. The feelings flood back and sometimes can rip your heart open with the chord they strike. That is what music has always done to me. What does that for you?
Who will you call friend, foe, husband/wife, roommate or acquaintance's? Who will you have wished you told you loved, wish you hadn't let go, and who will you be able to extend your hand out to and still touch?
Where will you be? Where will your home stand, and how will you feel pulling your car into the driveway? Will you wish for the ocean, dream of the mountains, or hope for the house you grew up in-where your first memories of what a house can be were created...the place your heart changes four walls into an all encompassing structure of family. Community. Security. Love.

Who knows what waits us in two hours, two days, or two weeks. In two months, I know that for myself I should be packing my bags preparing for the trip of a lifetime... I will be leaving for Thailand and opening my eyes far beyond my grandest imagination could articulate.
A never ending journey it is. How grateful I am for the opportunity and TIME to reflect on the moments as they pass. To hold them. To question them. To love the people who are part of them. Two years, life I pray would be equally fulfilling- but hopefully astounding in more growth in Christ.

A particular song just came up on my IPOD that is fitting when reflecting on life in the present and life lived in the past. As one to connect with the lyric set to the motion and magic of music, I will include the lyrics to a great song below. It's a song called "On My Bones" and it is written and performed by Kendall Payne, a Christian artist (bold and italics are my addition to the lyrics)...

What these years have brought me
What these years have taught me
Heartache and fame
A chance to change
A Hope to be stronger
That beauty can smolder
A stage and a curtain
That nothings for certain
Oh these years have been hard on my bones

What this world has brought me
What this world has taught me
Senseless spinning
Never tie instead of winning
Ice cream for licking
The clock's always ticking
No one is free
Someone must have a key
Oh this world has been hard on my bones
All this time
I'd been seeking my own
Oh this road has been hard on my bones

What this love has brought me
What this love has taught me
Patience in battle
Who's in the saddle?
Joy and dispair
That I really do care
Uncertain desire
The risk going higher
Yeah this love has been hard on my bones

What this God has brought me
What this God has taught me
Passion and grace
How to stand in one space
Laughing at lilies
What truly fulfills me
Death on a cross
It was I that was lost
Oh this God has been life to these bones
Oh this God has been life to my bones
Yes this God has been life to my bones