It's now Friday, but to me, it is still Thursday b/c I have not gone to bed yet. I tried reading. I read a chapter. I tried laying in darkness...that lasted five minutes. My schedule is so out of wack. Tomorrow hopefully will help me start moving into a normal routine. I am doing the Y thing earlier in the day then I have all this week, which will be great. I need to start getting my day going at a more reasonable time, and not staying up all night.
Today was fun-- another day at home, went to the Y for a good solid hour workout and then came home. I love how this house has a rotating door to it, and while sometimes its good to just be here without visitors...I do love how welcoming it is to everyone. Sometimes I wonder if I stopped picking up snacks and sodas, if the population would diminish, or if they'd just bring their own goodies.
I was cranky this week, as I have previously posted...and tonight I apologized to a friend I was particularly snippy with. I hate apologizing, b/c I am sure you know this- I am perfect. I say all the right things, I have all the right intentions...I am perfect. Well, in theory only. I have tried to address things as they happen, but tonight was the first time I could really say "hey this is why I snapped at you", and that was hard. It was more then the ABC's of crankiness. I had to open up about the bigger picture and ways that I had felt emotionally stressed. The conversation went well, and I'm glad that the friend was such a great listener.
It made me think about apologies, mistakes, quick words that are hurtful or sarcastic, and the whole dance that is a friendship. We assume that our intentions are always good, or at least we hope that they are- and while we may wish to hide behind conversations or situations, I think we all hope we are transparent and that our friends will love us anyway.
I started to think about friendships I have had that have died, and what the cause of it was. I know that relationships are cycles of life, that is actually something my brother used to talk to me a lot about upon graduating high school. He was realistic, almost painfully so to my optimistic heart. He spoke about the friendships we have that will always be there, those that change- and how its healthy as you grow up that your closest friends would change. There's no rhyme or reason to it, and while painful its also productive. Obviously, I softened his stance in my writing of his perspective, but that is the gist that I took away. He was probably much more blunt then my explanation. But it doesn't matter the package the thought comes in, he's right. I have had some amazing friendships in my life, and recently I have been able to enjoy them in entire new ways. The lack of distraction and commitment to work has allowed me time to hang out, to talk, to send emails, to be in touch. I have been so encouraged by the responses, and have felt the Lord blessing me through the contact.
However, what about those that have slipped through our fingers? Do those people know that we will always care about them, wish well for them, and if needed we would show up? Is it an apology that we owe to them? "I'm sorry I was so busy", "I'm sorry I didn't listen to what you were trying to say", "I'm sorry I never called you back". I wonder how many amazing friendships I have grown apart from simply because I was never able to connect my thought and care for them into action.
I suppose the biggest lesson to remember is that while our friendships and relationships do change, as we grow, move, get hurt by them, or simply distance ourselves- we must remember not to burn bridges. Not severing ties that we may need again, or may be renewed in another change of events or phase of life. I find encouragement in knowing that the people I miss, that I wonder about, may one day re-enter...and if that is possible because the Lord presented the opportunity--amazing, but I would be devastated to think it didn't happen because I burned the bridge in being prideful or not being honest about my feelings.
The cheesy and poignant song by the Judd's "Love Can Build a Bridge" speaks true to the power of love and friendship- as in the verse:
"I'd gladly walk across the desert
With no shoes upon my feet
To share with you the last bite
Of bread I had to eat
I would swim out to save you
In your sea of broken dreams
When all your hopes are sinkin
Let me show you what love means-
Love can build a bridge, between your heart and mine"
So...the mystery of friendships...the I miss you's, I love you's, I need you's, I'm sorry's, and I'll be there for you's...may never make sense to me why some last and others don't. In the mean time it is my prayer that I will remember to take the care and connect it with action, and that I will remember apologizing for even a simple cranky snip comment can save a moment...and the Bridge between their heart and mine.
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