In Two Years

In two years what will I think about my life during this time? I think about my life two years ago, I think about the image that comes to mind- and I am both thankful for the Grace from the Lord that allows us to grow and change...but I think of the very difficult emotional time I was going through. I had just returned from California just two months before as what I felt at the time, a completely different person. The trials in the trauma of losing someone as particularly unique as I was going through proved to be quite the emotional challenge. No doubt that grief alone is difficult, but I don't think I will ever really be able to see in an objective way the toll grief took on my heart, my relationships with my family, my friendships around me, and the way I felt about my relationship with Christ. Two years ago in October 2005 I was just trying to pull myself together and keep focused. Focused on what? I have no idea. Normalcy. Movement. Distraction. Healing from Christ alone.

In two years what will I be able to identify as my focus during October 2007? I have now been in Lexington for almost a month. A detour I had not anticipated. A destination I did not plan to visit for more then days at a time. The routine of going was comfortable and cathartic, staying? Staying was opening up a whole new part of this adventure I wasn't prepared for. I postponed a trip to Saranac because I just felt like being home was important. I didn't have any elaboration to it then that. Just felt like it was something I needed to do. Investing in my home life, watching the transition happen with Jen and Mandy switching out, to see the everyday... now I am preparing to head out to Kentucky for a week, and do some fun "work", visit friends, and in a weird way reintroduce myself into society. Oh the accessibility larger towns and cities have, which I got so accustomed to while living in CT, and then when I've been able to travel over the past three months. The Starbucks'! The Targets! The Cheesecake Factory's! Fantastic Options!

This week has been a good week. I successfully healed from my cold, I don't need the assistance of Nyquil to help me get through 8 hours of rest at night, and my days have not been occupied with thoughts of laziness or "what should I do today?". My dad has been down here since Monday- and I always enjoy his visits. Before he arrived I tackled the garage with some help from a friend, that even suggested "hey, why don't we organize your garage tomorrow". Seriously people, what a great friend. I had struggled for months with the "storage unit" business I've been running out of the garage for everyone moving it and out, and moving around. In only one hour the garage was straightened out, things were thrown away, and a garbage bag full of leaves were swept up. To finish the job, we even went the dump before resting for lunch.

Stan the Man showed up in the afternoon, perfectly timed with the last batch of double chocolate chip cookies I made for his time here. The days have been filled with misc. town errands, a trip to Richmond to meet up with my brother and sister in law for dinner, and just hanging out at the house. While his search for post-Connecticut living options continues, I am encouraged by the idea of having a parent live near by in the future. While my personal journey is unknown, and where I might end up could change a thousand times before a box is even packed, it is my prayer that I would be able to enjoy living here in this place for awhile longer, especially with the possible addition of my father.

In other news life is quiet. Emotionally, I am still being stretched. I am still aware that everyday is a gift that I get to live this adventure. I am not aching for productivity in a way that causes me to go stir crazy with anxiety, I am moving along and enjoying this time. I have had some difficult conversations with friends- and at times may have pushed the envelope a little too hard. I have been given encouragement in knowing glances and empathetic eyes as I tell random stories, and continue to be vulnerable. I have stumbled in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, saying the wrong thing all together, and I have triumphed in not editing myself, being bold, honest, and completely clueless all at the same time.

In Two Years.
What will you remember about where you are right now? What questions will you be battling out in your life? What doubts will be attaching themselves to your Faith, in friends, in family, in purpose, in yourself, or your Faith in Christ?
What songs will be important to you? As a lover of music that touches my heart I often smile when I come across a CD I made in the past with all the songs that were important to me during that time. The feelings flood back and sometimes can rip your heart open with the chord they strike. That is what music has always done to me. What does that for you?
Who will you call friend, foe, husband/wife, roommate or acquaintance's? Who will you have wished you told you loved, wish you hadn't let go, and who will you be able to extend your hand out to and still touch?
Where will you be? Where will your home stand, and how will you feel pulling your car into the driveway? Will you wish for the ocean, dream of the mountains, or hope for the house you grew up in-where your first memories of what a house can be were created...the place your heart changes four walls into an all encompassing structure of family. Community. Security. Love.

Who knows what waits us in two hours, two days, or two weeks. In two months, I know that for myself I should be packing my bags preparing for the trip of a lifetime... I will be leaving for Thailand and opening my eyes far beyond my grandest imagination could articulate.
A never ending journey it is. How grateful I am for the opportunity and TIME to reflect on the moments as they pass. To hold them. To question them. To love the people who are part of them. Two years, life I pray would be equally fulfilling- but hopefully astounding in more growth in Christ.

A particular song just came up on my IPOD that is fitting when reflecting on life in the present and life lived in the past. As one to connect with the lyric set to the motion and magic of music, I will include the lyrics to a great song below. It's a song called "On My Bones" and it is written and performed by Kendall Payne, a Christian artist (bold and italics are my addition to the lyrics)...

What these years have brought me
What these years have taught me
Heartache and fame
A chance to change
A Hope to be stronger
That beauty can smolder
A stage and a curtain
That nothings for certain
Oh these years have been hard on my bones

What this world has brought me
What this world has taught me
Senseless spinning
Never tie instead of winning
Ice cream for licking
The clock's always ticking
No one is free
Someone must have a key
Oh this world has been hard on my bones
All this time
I'd been seeking my own
Oh this road has been hard on my bones

What this love has brought me
What this love has taught me
Patience in battle
Who's in the saddle?
Joy and dispair
That I really do care
Uncertain desire
The risk going higher
Yeah this love has been hard on my bones

What this God has brought me
What this God has taught me
Passion and grace
How to stand in one space
Laughing at lilies
What truly fulfills me
Death on a cross
It was I that was lost
Oh this God has been life to these bones
Oh this God has been life to my bones
Yes this God has been life to my bones

Sniffles

So...the power of Nyquil. It's an amazing thing really- after about 30 minutes my eyes have started to get heavy and my mouth is so dry. Last night was the first night I used the medicine to help aid my sniffing, coughing, sneezing, runny nose can't sleep cold. I woke up this morning in such a fog, I could have sworn that everything I dreamt (and spell checker tells me that I spelled that wrong, but it won't give me the solution!) about last night really did happen, and that I had a lot of people to talk to today about the events that took place in my dream. Thankfully, I was able to snap out of it, come down off my bed which is much too high off the ground for my height, but its my princess bed and I love it. It was so cold in the house this morning, that before I was able to complain I indulged myself in the thought that the temperatures were finally going to coincide with the changing leaves and the visual Fall creates on the mountains here in Virginia.

Today is Thursday and my favorite Grey's Anatomy fans left the house not too long ago. Tomorrow, is another day that I am home with not much to do to occupy myself. Yesterday I took myself out to lunch and a movie, I was a fabulous date. Tomorrow I have my evening plans covered, which is not much different then the past two weeks. However, I need to figure out how to be productive tomorrow in a different way. I want to finish reading the book I started this week, perhaps I will buckle down and get through it.

For the weekend- I've got a few hours I agreed to work at camp. This will be my first time working since July 26th, and its funny to me that its at the camp store. I was needed, and I was available, so I said yes. I am not going to lie, its going to be strange. But I know that it will be good for me, and I am interested to see how I will feel being at the place I left for this unknown adventure, and to be useful again in a way I haven't been since leaving Staff. It's a North Carolina weekend, so I am slightly disappointed that I won't see smiling Virginia Staff friends, but just as well, less questions to answer about why I am there!

My dad comes down on Monday, and I am excited for his visit. I am sure he has a complete to do list about things he'd like to accomplish, places he wants to check out, etc... I am hoping I can continue some normalcy in my social calender, like House Dinner and such. I've got good things going on right now, and the following week I will be out of town and miss them all again.

I'd love to be able to articulate all the random thoughts that have been traveling around my head the past week. I suppose the best way to describe how I am, and what I've been feeling is to say that I am feeling attached. I have the itch to head out of town again, and I feel like I should b/c I have the time to go- so GO KARI JUST GO. But the nagging feeling at my heart is the attachment that I have prayed to feel about anywhere, anything has begun...except its creating ties in the last place I thought it would. I had so dearly hoped that all the places I saw, and people I visited would stir up thoughts and dreams of creating a new home and a new life. I think I hoped this would happen because it would be easier then to see a life I so dearly loved, change in my absence at camp, and into something new...it is one thing to still do what you are doing where you are, but what do you do when you change what you are doing but still live where you lived and love who you loved- and your doing is different? Ok that probably only made sense to me, thats ok. I always corrolate the thought that "Kari, you are in Lexington because you worked at camp, you never would have chosen here as the place to be without your job". When I took THE JOB out of the equation, I thought that would take THE ME out of the Lexington. I don't know if I'm being anxious about my future so I am trying to make things happen against what the Lord is desiring, or if the Lord is placing my attachment in my heart so that I will freely stay, or if the attachment is so that I will fully understand what I would be moving away from. Goodness Gracious.

I don't know if any of that made sense. But what does make sense is that I love the here. I want the there- I want to pack my bag and see it, but come home to here. I want my cold to go away, I want to be able to wake up tomorrow without a Nyquil hangover...I want to feel useful and productive in a way that I haven't all week. I want my greater purpose from my day to not come at 5pm when I go work out at the Y, or when I hang out with my friends at night. I want to know what is going to happen in the future, and I want to be able to Google it and find out. I want the Lord to whisper more then "Kari, just believe", I want the scream, flashing lights, the oh so obvious this is your life's happiness you just have to go this way. I want to be secure and content in this transition and know that the purpose for this time is greater then me just on this new self discovery, that the people who love me and are walking with me are drawing themselves closer to their awareness as well. I want a lot of things...

I have a lot of things. I have faith. I have purpose. I have a Lord who Loves me dearly, completely, and without reservation. And tonight at 11:38pm, and in the midst of my Nyquil taking effect, I must say... that those things are enough.

Domestic Goddess

I am a Domestic Goddess. Ok...I am not one yet. I aspire to be one. Yesterday after the Y, I got myself all motivated and pumped up to get the entire house and to do list done.
The list included:
1) Dishes
2) Laundry: clean, dry, fold, put away (something like 3 loads- towels, bath mats, clothes, etc)
3) Room/Bathroom
4) Pick up messes in the office: Gracie's stuffed animals had exploded in her triumph
5) Vacuum everything...everything

I started and kept going for three hours. I finally rested, and looked around with pride on all that I accomplished. I even changed the light bulbs in the track lighting over the sink. I had the replacements ready for three days waiting to remember to ask Tex to do it (he could change them without a chair, this was a far more convenient option).

I struggle with the list I maintain in my head sometimes. Not that I can't get it done. Just that I can't get it all done perfectly at the same time. From one day to the next things are good, and one thing is excellent-why can't I connect all things at all times. I think this also stems from my completely unrealistic expectations of myself and others. If I could just lighten up, and realize that my intentions don't get things done: my actions do, I think I'd be a lot happier.

I was successful with the list. I'd give myself an A. I left one load of laundry in the dryer that should have been folded, and one load in the washer that needed to be dried. This morning I picked up where I left off and kept going. For the most part I feel like I did a good job. I deserve a cookie.

It's hard maintaining a house. It's more then just me. It's me, Gracie, Theresa, and Mandy- full time occupants. BUT THEN its Matt, Tex for Part Time residence, and then the occasional Joel and Holmes. I am not complaining, but I suppose in making that statement I feel comforted that I am hosting and housing more then just me and one dog and two cats and two roommates.

Oh the Domestic Goddess in us all...it just keeps getting more and more refined. One day...it will all be excellent.

Friendships and Bridges

It's now Friday, but to me, it is still Thursday b/c I have not gone to bed yet. I tried reading. I read a chapter. I tried laying in darkness...that lasted five minutes. My schedule is so out of wack. Tomorrow hopefully will help me start moving into a normal routine. I am doing the Y thing earlier in the day then I have all this week, which will be great. I need to start getting my day going at a more reasonable time, and not staying up all night.

Today was fun-- another day at home, went to the Y for a good solid hour workout and then came home. I love how this house has a rotating door to it, and while sometimes its good to just be here without visitors...I do love how welcoming it is to everyone. Sometimes I wonder if I stopped picking up snacks and sodas, if the population would diminish, or if they'd just bring their own goodies.

I was cranky this week, as I have previously posted...and tonight I apologized to a friend I was particularly snippy with. I hate apologizing, b/c I am sure you know this- I am perfect. I say all the right things, I have all the right intentions...I am perfect. Well, in theory only. I have tried to address things as they happen, but tonight was the first time I could really say "hey this is why I snapped at you", and that was hard. It was more then the ABC's of crankiness. I had to open up about the bigger picture and ways that I had felt emotionally stressed. The conversation went well, and I'm glad that the friend was such a great listener.

It made me think about apologies, mistakes, quick words that are hurtful or sarcastic, and the whole dance that is a friendship. We assume that our intentions are always good, or at least we hope that they are- and while we may wish to hide behind conversations or situations, I think we all hope we are transparent and that our friends will love us anyway.

I started to think about friendships I have had that have died, and what the cause of it was. I know that relationships are cycles of life, that is actually something my brother used to talk to me a lot about upon graduating high school. He was realistic, almost painfully so to my optimistic heart. He spoke about the friendships we have that will always be there, those that change- and how its healthy as you grow up that your closest friends would change. There's no rhyme or reason to it, and while painful its also productive. Obviously, I softened his stance in my writing of his perspective, but that is the gist that I took away. He was probably much more blunt then my explanation. But it doesn't matter the package the thought comes in, he's right. I have had some amazing friendships in my life, and recently I have been able to enjoy them in entire new ways. The lack of distraction and commitment to work has allowed me time to hang out, to talk, to send emails, to be in touch. I have been so encouraged by the responses, and have felt the Lord blessing me through the contact.

However, what about those that have slipped through our fingers? Do those people know that we will always care about them, wish well for them, and if needed we would show up? Is it an apology that we owe to them? "I'm sorry I was so busy", "I'm sorry I didn't listen to what you were trying to say", "I'm sorry I never called you back". I wonder how many amazing friendships I have grown apart from simply because I was never able to connect my thought and care for them into action.

I suppose the biggest lesson to remember is that while our friendships and relationships do change, as we grow, move, get hurt by them, or simply distance ourselves- we must remember not to burn bridges. Not severing ties that we may need again, or may be renewed in another change of events or phase of life. I find encouragement in knowing that the people I miss, that I wonder about, may one day re-enter...and if that is possible because the Lord presented the opportunity--amazing, but I would be devastated to think it didn't happen because I burned the bridge in being prideful or not being honest about my feelings.

The cheesy and poignant song by the Judd's "Love Can Build a Bridge" speaks true to the power of love and friendship- as in the verse:
"I'd gladly walk across the desert
With no shoes upon my feet
To share with you the last bite
Of bread I had to eat
I would swim out to save you
In your sea of broken dreams
When all your hopes are sinkin
Let me show you what love means-
Love can build a bridge, between your heart and mine"


So...the mystery of friendships...the I miss you's, I love you's, I need you's, I'm sorry's, and I'll be there for you's...may never make sense to me why some last and others don't. In the mean time it is my prayer that I will remember to take the care and connect it with action, and that I will remember apologizing for even a simple cranky snip comment can save a moment...and the Bridge between their heart and mine.

Staff Fun Day

Oh Staff Fun Day...one of my favorite days of the year for the past four years running.

I was invited to participate in Rockbridge's staff fun day- even though I'm no longer on staff. The invite made my day the other day, and I am so glad that I went. I got up early, got dressed and out the door in my usual 20 minutes and headed into camp for bible study. I was a little anxious thinking that it was going to feel weird doing the work commute but not be working...but I found that go away when I saw so many faces that I have loved so much for four years in North Mountain gathering for Staff Bible Study. This morning was the kick off, and I got to see where it was headed, and for about an hour it didn't feel like a single thing had changed in my life...I was still part of Rockbridge.

Going off to bowling I was pumped, and came in 2nd place, behind the master Ken Huff who scored 199...I was an amazing ok not so amazing 126. BUT still...out of 30 people he and I were on top. Lunch was fun, and it was cool to feel so normal at a table and share a little tiny bit about where I've been and what I've seen. Really, just laughing at my friends and sharing glances that were all knowing and funny were the dominate activities at lunch.

I began to think about how we know people. There are some that are just surface based, and there are others that have carried you through with you on their backs- just trying to help you survive. At the table this afternoon I looked across at such people, some friends and strangers all at the same time. We can't know everyone intimately well, there's just not enough time in the day for starters, and then there are those we have to practice loving b/c the dynamics are just so different. I loved touching base with Becky about the store, and I felt parts of myself renew in being stimulated that way about Retail, and I loved talking to Doug about where I went in CA and knowing how much he would have loved the same experience if he had the opportunity at my age. I loved sitting next to Jana and not having to tell her every detail about everything just so she'd know, we could just sit and I could just love her and that was enough.

We can't undo knowing people, or remembering seeing them at their worst. When I feel my pride get in the way, I do wish to escape and start fresh somewhere. I have been less then impressed with my erratic moods and behaviors recently. I have felt myself guide from simple chill moments, into snappy cranky ones, into just laughing for no reason- or freaking out about a bug on the table. For the 2nd night in the row I could sense my moods change. I have been so stimulated the past four days with social interaction, that I wonder if what I learned in CA or traveling in general about being still and alone was starting to counteract the pace I was setting- and keeping. I feel better right now, and I'm thankful that I live with two women of God that I could sit with after dinner (sorry everyone for the house meeting we closed the door on), and talk about random stories, pray, laugh, snuggle with Gracie, all holed up in the office.

I am thankful for the office and the conversations that have taken place in just two days.
I am thankful for Staff Fun Day and the friends I have at Rockbridge that have loved me well, and the times I've grown in the reality of being flawed people in the midst of God's creation in the mountains.
I am thankful for house dinner and the nonsensical laughter that comes when you take five of us at a table and we can get inappropriate, serious, critical, and dumb within minutes of each other.
I am thankful that I have this home that is more then a house, its a place my heart has been stretched, a place I feel like is a home for Christ and the people who visit and live.
I am thankful for knowing glances from across the table from someone who is reading your face with empathy, understanding and just knowing what you think is funny and why without words.

I have found that I have more things to be thankful for then I can even count, and I have many people that fit into each category. I have been shown the strength of friendship this week in being home, and I have been shown the gifts we've been able to share while at Staff Fun Day today.

So despite the tid bit of crankiness at dinner time, I had a stellar day...and now I am sitting in the office looking across and seeing Gracie bob her head in trying to stay awake-and I am so thankful for you, you, and you. May God continue to show us how to love each other better, and may we recognize the small and big moments to be thankful for when we've loved each other well so far.

The Switch of A Mood

Today was a day filled with a constant feeling of "Go"...don't stop. Just keeping moving onto the next thing. I woke up and shortly thereafter was called and the day began...helping Tex move out of the garage, assemble a dresser that required two trips to Lowe's, lunch with the boys- and an hour work out at the Y with the same boys- dinner at Katie's with the boys plus Theresa...and now home. I am sitting in the newly organized and placed Office in our house, and its so refreshing.

Crankiness. Today I was not cranky, it was fun and interactive...but somewhere along the way in the ride back to the house after dinner tonight the cranky switch got tripped, and I don't know why. Perhaps the changes and coordinating of chaos from this weekend finally caught up to me, but I'm just tired. I did not pass go and collect 200 dollars- I just walked into the house tonight and went straight for the shower...hoping in there somewhere that perhaps the fatigue, maybe even the strain from working out, or just the social interaction all day would be washed away with the hot water pouring down. It did help, but as I sit here I can feel my attitude wain in things that are not important and in details that I can not control.

I do not know what causes the change from one moment from a next, often times you can reflect on something someone did, or something they said- but what do you blame or pin it on when there's nothing? Just a simple change that takes an instant and all of a sudden anything you find less then thrilling becomes emotional.

Just a thought.

'Visiting Home'

I made the choice to stop the cycle of 'go go go' and postponed my trip to Saranac this coming week. The packing, moving around, not sleeping in my bed was one thing-but I really started to feel like if I didn't get myself home for an extended amount of time, I would never be there, and I would move without giving post property staff Lexington a chance. Does that even make sense? I have been stimulated, inspired, and motivated by every place so it has been difficult to discern what the Lord has in mind for me via location. How does one have roots and wings at the same? I think that is nearly impossible. However, I am starting to see how that happens more and more.
Wednesday night dinner out was probably the most special thing to share with the women in my house. We got dressed up and headed out to the Southern Inn, a restaurant here in Lexington. While enjoying cocktails and delicious food we were able to reflect on our time shared in the house and all that awaits us. Jen is in the process of moving out this weekend, as we begin priming and painting the two bedrooms in the transition. For the longest time Theresa and I would speculate on what the fall was going to look like, and now we are here watching all the dreams come into fruition and the sadness that is associated with letting go and seeing your friends move on to their next journey. While seated at dinner I was astounded by the mass creativity the Lord has in planning our lives. Never would I have imagined owning the house here that I would share it with such amazing women. Leaving dinner, there were definitely airs of anxiety knowing that the move was coming. But, coming home we were able to be ourselves and take some hilarious house photos with the three of us and Gracie. It was hysterical and unfortunately not all are able to be posted but they were us…the three of us laughing and trying to get Gracie to obey. It was classic.

Thursday was my Grey’s party…and while I am usually all about catering for such events it turned out being a very collaborative effort. There was laughter and there was great food. Two things could never be in excess. Ok, so my quick review of Greys? The deer was weird, but I liked it. I thought it was funnier then it’s been in a long time, and I am glad that George finally manned up at told Izzie that he loved her, b/c it was just so obvious that he did. McDreamy, be still my heart you got a haircut.

Friday…aww Friday. I had lunch with Amy in Lynchburg and absolutely loved seeing her. Her growth in the Lord and maturity for her age astounds me, and I am so thankful that the Lord has placed her in my life to show me strength, courage, and grace in distress. The day turned into night at the house with Mandy, Joel, Holmes, and T priming the two bedrooms…and it was ridiculously fun. I, being the one who hates to paint was responsible for keeping the beverages going and made food available if need be. The banter was the usual, and the productivity astounding. The priming was in record speed, and we (T and I) were able to enjoy Holmes and Sunshine in conversation on the couch after phase one was completed. Jen arrived home and the girls had some girl time while getting ready for bed, and we laughed. The laughter that has lived in this house brings my heart such joy.

Saturday. This morning I woke up early to make muffins so Jen could take one to work, and for the boys coming over to help T paint. Today is the day of painting for them, and for me thinking through new furniture placement as this transition gets made- and hopefully organizing my closet! We all have dreams. I have pizza on the menu for later, and Jen will be home for dinner…its going to be a great day.

We will all be home tonight, including Mandy who is moving in this weekend. I am excited to share the night with the girls of White Oak Lane, and am looking forward to getting to know Mandy over the next months in this new way: roommates. We’ve been talking about it for a year, and now it’s happening. The Lord is so good to us. He provides for our every need, and when we follow His call: our dreams really do happen. It is in these small ways that I am able to let go of the future and give it to Him, I want what He wants. I want to grow in the ways He sees fit, I want to be still in front of Him, and I want to know that the purpose for everyday is more then reporting to just a job. I am looking for bigger dreams and plans…and as I have returned to Lexington there are moments when I would do just about anything to live in this one dream a bit longer. That making the sacrifices and putting off “k.boo, a boutique” would be ok if it meant I could hold onto this joy. So in praying I try not to bargain with the Creator of the UNIVERSE, and simply just ask for the opportunity to explore, love, be still, productive, and be in His will. So far, I feel like that is what I’ve been able to do, so no complaints here.