Playlist List

This whole year I have had songs that have carried me through feeling something lingering below the surface, have articulated thoughts about movements and adventures...and have documented steps in relationships with their melodies. I have playlists upon playlists created on my iPod with many of these songs. Some of the titles are:

What Began the Book: all songs I listened to obsessively as I began writing the story.

California Calling: songs that I listened to when I spent my last few days in California reflecting on the journey that was coming to a close.

For You Friends: selections made for the friends I love so dearly when I left for Thailand.

The Collection: my favorite obsessions, the most played songs ever. 

Suzie and Mike: a set of CD's I sent to two very important people from my Ridgefield days. Songs filled with hope, faith, and encouragement.

The most current...

Generally Obsessed. What I'm listening too. What I'm thinking about... what I've played on repeat... what has been inspiring. To enlighten you, that play list is below: 

Crushed and Created: Caitlyn Smith

Come Tomorrow: Juliet Lloyd

Lightning Crashes: Live

When It Don't Come Easy: Justin McRoberts cover of Patty's song

You Are A God: Vertical Horizon

This Is Home: Switchfoot

Free Fallin: John Mayer cover of T. Petty

Believe: Hanson

I Remember L.A: Celine Dion

You Alone: Koo Chung

Wedding Dress: Matt Nathanson

The Time of My Life: David Cook

You Are Mine: Phil Stacey

Freeze: Jordin Sparks

Dreaming With A Broken Heart: John Mayer

Beautiful: Me'shell Ndegeocello

Lost: Anouk

Ok, so the list is eclectic. From Live, Hanson, Celine Dion, and Me'shell... its pretty random. But hey kids, it is what I've been listening too. 

Come Tomorrow

"You've been waiting on an answer
to something that's been on your mind
They tell you to be patient
that all will be revealed in time

So you keep on treading water
waiting for the tide to turn
and wondering all the while
when will it get easier?

Come tomorrow
and leave today to yesterday"
-Juliet Lloyd


Heard the song today. Got chills. It's on iTunes. You should buy it.

Settling

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." -SATC

Had a dream last night that has stayed on my heart and mind the entirety of the day. What I remember from it is vague, but what has lingered has been the emotional aspect of the sequence. I was at my wedding reception. I had just gotten married, and went into the bathroom before we were to be introduced to all of our family and friends. I stood there and was having a conversation with the ladies about my dress, the day, the love story. I remember saying, "He's great, right?" And let the assurance of these women ease my fears. I knew that I loved him. But I don't remember feeling like I was in love with my new spouse.  One of the women I was speaking with, was the mother of a friend I grew up with, whom I have always respected. She looked at me and said, "You made a choice." 

I woke up. I realized that had settled. I had chosen something less than what I have dreamed and prayed for my entire life. There has been a lot of talk of weddings recently, with helping a friend with centerpieces, to another one anticipating her proposal in the very near future. I understand completely how I dreamt about a wedding. But the purpose of the dream, and my articulation of it here has nothing to do with the wedding. It has to do with the choice. 

While in the car today making way through West Virginia's torrential down pour rain I thought about my dream quite a bit. My thoughts turned into blank stares at the highway before me. My blank stares turned into prayers. That the Lord would protect my heart, and that I would be filled with patience. In the plans and purposes behind the next days, months, and year before me I have desired to seek dreams that have been on my heart for a length of time... and those that have just popped up on the radar. I don't want the easy road. I don't want the predictable plan. I don't want to settle for anything less then my fullest and greatest potential in Christ.

I feel like patience is the running theme of life right now. I desire fully to turn patience as an adjective in my approach, into a verb. I want to live a life full of patience and pursuit of the Spirit. I don't want to be idle, or be passive, that is not what I seek. While being patient, I have sensed how I also feel ready... I feel equipped. 

Above is one of my favorite quotes about settling. I have recited it to friends, I have written about it in my journal, and I have prayed that the Lord would grow me in a way that I would be able to discern what to commit too, who to commit too, and how to live a life of intention and substance. Not to opt out early, and not to choose a path because I am too impatient to wait for the right one to come along.  I want to remember the voice in the dream that spoke in a sense of caution, "you made a choice". 

Settling. I want nothing less then butterflies. That is my choice. 

Falling

I am not afraid of a lot of things. I am not afraid of the rain. Driving. Roller-coasters. Dogs. People in general. Small spaces. 

However, I am afraid of falling. I am afraid of tripping. I am afraid of falling down a flight of stairs. I am afraid of the falling aspect of Roller-coasters, even if I'm not afraid of the ride itself. I don't particularly like turbulence on a flight. Tower of Terror is not my most favorite ride, and yet when vacationing in Disney I go on the ride a dozen times. 

I don't know if my fear of falling stems from childhood clumsiness, sprained ankles (which is ironic b/c I have one now), or jumping off the bed and crashing into the floor. I hear the word "fall", and what comes to mind is not Tom Petty's much covered song "Free Fallin". I hear loss of control. Potential hazard. Injury or Death. When in Thailand and experiencing the motorbike accident I was terrified because of the possible harm to my body, but it was also the sensation of the decent into the ditch. 

Falling. I hate it. 

And yet, I am drawn to it. I am drawn to watching the sun falling into the horizon. I am drawn to throwing favorite toddlers in the air and catching them as they drop into my arms. I am compelled by falling in love, and the romantic themes woven in movies, books, songs, and by sharing a community of people that I care about. 

One area in my life that I have seen the most submission has been falling and Jesus. This past year I have often prayed that the Lord would guide my steps, and show me how to Love in His image. I have changed paths, plans, dreams and desires this year in tremendous ways, and with no other way to describe it, then jumping. 

What goes up, must come down. To jump into new adventures I have had the unequivacle experience of falling as well. The adreniline in making choices about employment, or intineraries to put into place were full of excitement, adventure, and intoxicating freedom.  What I have learned in the process of all of those choices and memories of life has been that the falling isn't so scary when you have your eyes and heart on the one that is going to catch you. When my eyes are focused not on the friends I will naturally be disapointed by,  the family I'm so quick to critcize, or the world that does not pause for my grief. I have jumped with the notion that I am going to trust Jesus more then I trust my selfish heart. I have jumped with the faith that in letting go of it all, I will gain what my heart desires most- and that is to be closer to the Father in complete submission. 

I will now walk cautiously on a crumbled sidewalk now that it has proven treacherous when I don't pay attention to my footing. I will continue to look at my feet as I step down each step in cautious placement so that I won't fall down the flight. When in the air and turbulence is experienced on my flight, I won't hold my breath until it passes. My fear of falling continues to live in the secret dark places that those fears control my bravery. 

Drawing encouragement from lessons learned, injuries healed, and anxiety eased I continue to pray earnestly that the Lord my God, will remind me when I doubt that He not only CAN catch me when I fall, jump, or a combination of both sensations, but that He desires for me to trust that He is GOING too. I pray that I will be bold before Him, and that I will respond to the soft whisper I continue to silence the world around me so that I can listen. 

I sense that this time of tremendous growth is not going to end anytime soon. A job at the bank proved too dry for the Monday-Friday, and so this new pursuit of something more inspired has begun. I am jumping. I am leaping into the unknown path of creative endeavors, and I am working feverously to seek more the face of the Savior, then the touch of my best friends hand. I am seeking to jump, so that I may fall into Grace. 

"A thousand times I’d rather fall than be afraid to move at all
After all what is this thing that you call grace?"

To the Show

It is nearing midnight. I am wide awake but my body is completely fatigued and ready for bed. I have looked at my bed longingly with a strong desire to curl up and fall asleep. Gracie is completely wrapped up  in a ball, and every so often will open one eye and look up at me begging me to snuggle. 

I am preparing myself for my very quick trip to Atlanta for the Gift Show. For the first time I am going with my own intentions, and will not be shopping for the store at Camp. I'm excited because I love the pace of the showrooms and the excitement about getting a sneak peek into what is being pushed for the next seasons merchandise. I am going to Atlanta via Kentucky, which is definitely out of the way, but well worth the segway because I get to pick up Jessica and spend an afternoon lazily enjoying Lexington before we leave for Georgia. It will be a very short stay in Atlanta, but I'm excited about getting in and getting out as quickly as possible. 

I have continued to seek medical treatment for my ankle, and it is frustrating that this week I feel more discomfort and pain then I have in the most recent weeks. I am about to embark on a marathon on foot and I'm not very excited about the stress and strain the time at the Gift Show will put on the ankle. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday, so while I am excited to finally see what kind of damage I inadvertently caused myself, I'm anxious because it will be after this trip.

In other news, I'm getting my head together about my creative endeavor. I have had a few new ideas, and I have thought more thoroughly through the notion of setting up shop somewhere. There are moments I want to pursue retail space and just go BIG, and tackle that challenge. There are other times when I simply want to work from home and think that KBooBoutique.com would be the best way to pursue that. In going part time with the job I knew that I was going to go through days of ever changing decisions, points of view, and have to pray carefully about the direction I was going to go in. What has NEVER waived are the photos, and so I am continuing to work through what that will look like, and the processes behind getting them seen. 

So off to the SHOW!

Here and Then...

It's a perfect moment. I am sitting on the deck looking out at the trees and listening to the workers wind down their day at the saw mill down the street from my house. Gracie moves from the shade under the table to sunbathing in the front yard on a freshly cut lawn. Inside I have my one of my favorite playlists playing on my ipod and it is loud enough for me to hear from my seat. There wasn't time at work today for a lunch break, so I left 3o minutes early which was made for a very excited Kari as I pulled into my driveway at 3:50pm. 

This is the life I am supposed to live. Every so often I get these glimpses into what is important, where I find true joy and happiness, and where my purpose lies. Right now as I survey the scenery I am reminded that while there a hundred options and directions that constantly move through my mind, one thing is certain and that is Jesus. I know that I am supposed to love Him. I know that I am supposed to live my life for Him. I know that I am supposed to die for Him, so that I can be made more in His image. 

Next to my computer sits my cell phone that goes off periodically with text messages from friends that live away from my residence. Underneath it is my moleskin that I started last August when I left VA for California, and stopped writing in it on December 22nd leaving the last 60 pages or so blank. I switched to the "This is Your Thailand Journal" that Matty gave me for Christmas, and it only seems right as I completed that moleskin to start fresh in a new one. I have flipped through the pages of the California Adventure/Fall Time one often while writing my fantastic memoir, and sometimes I ache to be that version of me sitting with a pen with nothing else to do then document and describe all that my heart danced about. As I have tried to settle my brain down a little bit to spend some time writing, I have flipped through and read some of myself back to myself and here are things that have particularly hit a nerve:

22 October 2007

"Do I feel more alive in these memories in these longings than I do in the reality of where I am sitting? Do I prefer the traveling version of me better then I like the 'at rooted' point of view I have at home? Do I fear tossing all those dreams aside because I have made my bet on something I am not sure will happen? How did I get here? 

Looking at past entries I notice my opening lines: "Today has been a ____ day." 

They weren't all great. They weren't all perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But they were real, and they were true. And I was happy. Tired. And sad all at the same time. It has been a serious ball of emotion and I sometimes wonder if I am going at the speed I am just so I won't have to stop and ever truly feel or remember it, or acknowledge where changes needs to happen. Fear of always being alone. Fear of not being missed. Fear of packing. Of leaving. Fear of staying. Forever. Not doing all the moves that come with being such a dreamer. Fear of crying. Of never being able to get all the tears out that have been bottled up. Fear of never crying. Never getting any damp expression of emotion out of my heart. Fear of starting over. Fear of never moving on.

A letter to self...

24 October 2008

Dear Kari,

I am so sorry I do not take better care of your heart. I am sorry that I neglect who you can truly be when you love Jesus first and most. I am sorry that I sell you out and make you believe lies so that you can find rest and comfort in never having to be vulnerable. In the tomorrows you will be challenged and you will be changed. Remember to love you too. Remember Jesus rose from the dead so that you could have life. It will not be easy. And it will not be perfect. But it will be your journey. And you will need to live it. Take your burdens to the only one who can save you. Listen to His voice. Absorb the ways He has tried to get your attention that you've missed. Rest fully in His power. Tonight, this night, go to bed. You will need your energy in the morning. Do not take for granted this most divine opportunity to be better tomorrow then you were today, in Christ Alone. 

Love, 

K

I am thankful that I have pages of my heart to read back to myself. I am thankful that with me in every destination I have my journal with me so that if I think of something random I can jot it down easily and revisit the idea later. I am thankful that these books I have invested my entire heart and soul into are my treasures, and they are my mirrors. The image I see when I read them are glimpses into the person I have been and becoming, and they are visions of experiences that I get to relive in the written word. I am thankful that despite time, the questions I was battling October 22, 2007 are still relevant, and the letter to self still speak volumes of a truth I pray desperately to latch onto with more assertiveness. 

Here and Then... its a perfect moment. With a Diet Coke, some homemade salsa, and my beloved dog at my feet... I am thankful that while not content with particular situations, relationships, or journeys that I am certain that this is the life I am supposed to be living. That by documenting my thoughts regardless of their varying emotions or assertions have always centered me back into what matters, much like a great friend who speaks truth. 

The breeze is moving quickly around and through the trees, and my wind chime is dancing in its wake. I feel enveloped by possibility. I feel a hug from the Savior who is whispering to me in the wind that He is with me on this. He believes in Me. And while I desire the human touch of a friend to say much the same, I can rest in this most perfect moment... right here. 

Day by Day

Since my last post I have transitioned into my part time role at the Bank. On Friday afternoon as I ticked the hours down on my work day I was elated that I made the choice that I did. On Saturday I spent the day with Mandy in C'ville and had a great time. It was fun to window shop, and check out the gift stores in the Downtown Mall shopping area and take note of things that I liked, that I plan to investigate more next week at the Gift Show. Later that night I saw Wall-E with Sunshine and Tex, and then returned home to hang out and get some writing done. You know when the end is in sight, but you can't help but slow down instead of speed up to complete something? I am nearing the end of the book that I've been writing, and I have dropped my productivity rate significantly. I'm happy with most of it, but in my mind I know that there is a running list of things I want to change, implement, expand, or delete. I am not satisfied with slowing down, and sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room to round it out...and other times I just want to think some more on it and not rush it. I think I'm also nervous about finishing it because I will miss it, and I don't do really well with endings or with the idea that it will be read and the very intimate process of being vulnerable will then open itself up to criticism and opinion. Right now, its all still very safe in my little world.

I was so excited to get to church on Sunday and see a good friend of mine doing music for the service, who typically attends the Waynesboro sight of Tabernacle. We talked for a little bit, and it was great to touch base and hear his response to my latest idea to go part time and pursue photography with some more intention. I really like my church. I really like that I am comfortable there, even though I still feel like the new kid on the block and not really familiar with everyone who attends. I feel cared for by a couple there who are Young Life friends, and that brings my heart comfort when I am feeling a little out of place or insecure because I've been attending church solo. The affirmation in knowing that Tabernacle is where I am supposed to worship every week has been consistent, but I think in the summer schedule and attending by myself each week has proven to myself that I love it there, and loving it there has nothing to do with whether Tex or Mandy are with me... even if I miss our lunch dates afterwards. My pastor is on sabbatical for the summer, and I'm disappointed selfishly because I really enjoy him and his message each week.

The Lord has answered my prayer in a big way with Tabernacle. When I was traveling and visiting friends I was able to attend some amazing churches, and even scheduled visits to them so that I would be there on a Sunday. I have notes in the Moleskin from messages that touched my heart and challenged me from pastors who are strangers to me. Those visits with those churches always left me aching for something at home that I could feel part of, challenged in, and excited to be in attendance. It was one of the things that I prayed every day about, that the Lord would help me find a church home in Virginia, because lacking that home was a con on my every growing and changing 'pro/con Lexington residence list'.

So yeah. I'm feeling excited about the future. I'm feeling terrified about making the wrong choice. I pray continually for the Lord's will and purpose. I am not going to like, I still seek popular opinion and affirmation. But most of the time? I just want a hug. A good, solid, arms around me, hug with a squeeze that says, "I'm with you on this. I believe in you."