The Elevation of A Mood

I had a Dr. apt on Monday. It was not a good one. It was a good experience in that I was heard, and I knew that my concerns were met with equal curiosity and caution. I know and trust my Dr. I have known her for years. But we are at a crossroads with what our action plan is, and I am experiencing some things that do not make sense. At all.

But. I'm not a runner anymore. I have a natural knee jerk reaction, and I have a natural survival instinct. But I have stopped putting those two things that have held me back and held me in, as the first options. Instead I sat with a professional physician whom I trust, and I listened. And I committed to the plan for the next 6 weeks before I went back for the follow up. We will see.

I want to not listen to her, and I don't really want to do what she asks (cutting down carbs to an unheard of quantity and the removal of gluten for a week). I don't want to think and worry and calculate that much. I don't want to have to plan and over analyze every thing to a different and more intense degree then I already do. My biggest worry when leaving was that I would revert to old habits of control with my sugar intake, and in order to stay low that I would skip meals. When I traveled solo I did this all the time. It was in part due to distraction, and laziness, but also because I personally felt better. I don't know how to make sense of it. I once got yelled at by a friend whom said, "on a biological level Kari, you CAN'T feel better when you skip a meal. You just can't. Our bodies don't work like that." They were intensely yelling at me, cautioning me against the control in my head and heart, and trying to get me to talk about it. I wasn't in a place I could even begin to talk about it. But now... I can.

Looking back I can see clear as day that while I did not have a diagnosed eating disorder, that I was struggling with control, and I was depressed. I did not know it. It masked itself so cleverly that if you didn't know me well, you had no idea. But more then what it disguised itself as to the world, it did a more magnificant act to me. To myself. Last May I was in Connecticut I was literally falling apart at the seems. I was so hurt by things happening during my visit home, and I tried talking about it, but had no where to go. Everyone felt too busy, or disengaged. I know that is my perception of that period, but perception is reality and its how I felt. By the time I left my sisters and headed West I was a shell. I literally felt like with each step I was more and more drained from the inside out. I was driving to Seattle one afternoon shortly after K and I got to Oregon. I was quietly driving as K and T slept. And I just had tears. Pouring down my face. I would drive by miles of windmills, and I kept thinking about Jenny from Forest Gump, "If I were a bird, I would fly far far away from here." During that period I was still a runner. I dug deep. I drove and in my heart I was digging, as far as I could go so that I could bury what I was hurting about. By the time I got to Seattle, and spent time there I had not just buried that which had hurt me, but I had buried me.

A few days later I got a nap. A 6 hour nap. I woke up a whole completely different person. Often we are not able to recognize a moment, or acknowledge a moment when everything was about to change. That night, after my nap- I knew that everything was about to flip upside down, and that I needed to get ready.

So I did.

And it did.

The bottom is a hard place. But because I know and love Christ- I knew that as I dropped, I was also being lifted and raised up. Simultaneously. It was the most intimate and divine experience I can recall regarding my walk with the Lord in recent years.

And so the veil has been lifted and since June of last year the weight has dissipated. I have done better with those illusions of control and their lack of significance- then I have in 5 years. That was the victory for me with my Dr. on Monday. She went through her list of questions trying to determine where I was at, and she looked at me and said "Depression? Mood Swings?".

I wanted to say gone.

I wanted to say I didn't know what they were anymore.

I wanted to say I conquered them.

I wanted to say I never had to worry about them again.

But that is not the truth.

The truth is, due to my biological make up and hormone madness I will always have to be mindful of my moods, and depression. I am thankful that I do not have to take medicine to elevate or remove their struggle. The Lord has done such tender things in my awareness the past 10 months of my life, and I have learned and seen so much of myself. Every part of me that grew and moved forward in each abroad adventure, but then got lost upon arrival home have all returned to me. Its amazing. I am able to rest, and breathe in and out... and remain clear.

Clear on what matters.

I am worth the battle to figure out what is happening with my body. I have felt for over a year something was off, and wrong. I just didn't know what it was. I still don't know what it is. But I'm on a path. I am able to see how I hurt family and friends with my words, moods, and silence the past few years. I am thankful that my pushing and pulling, didn't remove all the people that mattered most.

This fall I said to Nikki that I was terrified that this stability, joy, freedom, and gratitude was going to leave. I was scared that what I'd established I'd lose again. I knew that I had it before, for most of my life, but that in the past 5 years it slowly left me. I believe in my heart that I was loved well in friendship by people who knew something but didn't know how to approach me about it. I believe and remember great, great days with people I love. Drives through the mountains to take pictures. Coffee runs and afternoons after Church. Riding Roller coasters and Airplanes. My life the past 5 years have been a dream of adventure and exploration. And honestly, even knowing what was lost now, I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

But there was a heaviness. And now that, that has been removed. I grieve a time and period in which I let my control bury me, instead of allowing Christ transform me... each day being made new.

Life now?

Is intense. I am dealing with very hard and big questions about the future.

But on Monday afternoon I went for a road trip to W'burg with JJ after my apt at UVA. We laughed so hard. We sang along to Gaga, Glee, and empowering ballads. I heard me.

In the midst of what is hard, what is unknown, I am able to still love, sing, laugh, and be FREE knowing I am not in the slightest bit of control of what is coming- but I am entirely in control of how much I give up to the Lord, and give away in love for Him. So He gets everything. And the depth of my relationships are new.

It's a different life.

Have you experienced the light after the darkness?

Have you been held in prayer by those who love you, waiting for the dawn to break?

Are you in the middle of that road now?

There is someone to call. There is someone there waiting. For the silence to be broken.

Take a leap. Make a call. Speak the truth.

You are not alone. You are loved. Don't give up.

Doubt.

Today I heard said, "Doubt means don't."

It was used to explain the experiences in life in which we take a second to pause or question in the midst of judging a situation. Is it safe? Can this person be trusted? Can I be trusted in this scenario? If we doubt, or have hesitation, then this means... don't. Listen to yourself. Follow your intuition. It's yours: trust it.

Last night Matt left the house and before he left I asked him if he was mad or disappointed in a decision I made this week. He said no, and that I make good decisions (which was a nice thought). I knew that I made a choice that would not make sense to those intimately involved, but I knew without a doubt that it was the right thing.

There was no doubt. The lack of doubt meant yes.

Recently I've been thinking about and breaking apart the notion and experience of doubt. Wanting to understand when its good and healthy, and then other times when it could be considered dangerous or distracting.

I struggle most with doubt when the context relies on, or is at the mercy of someone else. Trusting that their choice is the best for the situation, regardless of how I might feel- knowing how much their discretion will impact my heart, life, and future.

What do you do when you feel doubt, there?

Most of the time its in the midst of relationship status determinations. Recently I found myself in a moment with someone when I knew in my gut that it was the right thing to call it out now as friendship, and reset the course. I knew that for me, it was the wise and mature choice.

I knew it wasn't worth settling for something that would be good, instead of having something great. For having something that would be easy, instead of fighting for something that could be hard. I knew that the journey to my choice was not going to be understood, but that being a Christian woman who'd already prayed so much about it, was deeply rooted in truth- and in that place, there is no room for doubt.

However, having been on the flip side of choices where I was not sure, or convicted of a different choice... I am made more aware that regardless of the side of the coin you are on- the best and most we can hope for regardless of the outcome, is that we are sure.

I was sure to make a phone call this week.

I was sure to scale back and slow down the accelerated track I was on, and re-establish it in a friendship with someone who did not understand.

I was sure to pause in my intuition and recognize that when able to be still and silent- God speaks most tenderly.

Doubt means don't.

I shouldn't skip my work out, but I want too- do the work out Kari. Don't skip.

I shouldn't ignore that email, but I don't know what to say- but that pause means that I should just start by writing what is true. Don't procrastinate.

I should stop for gas, I will run out, but I don't want to stop- I just want to be home- you will run out of gas, just stop and fill up the tank.

I should let it go, because I am being told too, but I do not agree- stand strong in conviction, to remain prayerful and focused. Don't give up.

There are so many moments in the day that I second guess or rethink something and I don't even notice it. I'm thankful that I can adjust, and move along the changed course.

I am learning how to handle and be free in my spirit and heart when I have doubt in context of the heart, and how to be secure and joyful when I am absolutely sure. I know that removing people doesn't quiet the voice inside, and at some point she will be screaming so loud that it will be impossible to hear anything else. When finally, I acknowledge her significance and she says back, "Kari... seriously, why was that so hard?'

I believe God works in everything. I believe He speaks to us in everything. Somethings we can see, somethings we touch, somethings we hear, and somethings we just feel. But... He is everywhere. I have no doubt at the majesty of His hand or the tenderness of His spirit. And while I doubt daily about the small and big picture, I will remember that the pause in the midst of a small moment, or a huge life altering decision- is often to give us the opportunity to choose differently and better... and that often leads us, to No.

Which... is hard for a girl who often just wants to hear and say Yes.

Forward.

Today I talked to someone I haven't spoken to in an incredibly long time. I had a memory of them and something we shared. In an act of bravery I called and left a voice mail message. They called back a little while later, and we talked for a long time. I sat on the Hammock and swayed in the sunshine. We laughed. We talked about the future. We talked a little about the past. But more important than what we said, what mattered was that the silence had been broken.

Then... I took Gracie to the river.

And life...

kept moving f o r w a r d .

Church.

If I could bottle up Sunday's... I would. So that during the week when I'm feeling a bit lost, I could drink in the goodness that I find on these prized random Sunday's off.

Today is my dad's birthday. Stan the Man. He was born today. For all the ways that we do not understand each other, and in all the moments I know he drives me crazy... I love that we understand that our Faith and our beliefs in Christ are the most important things in our lives. That being an important bond I share with him, I love that today I was given a day off to celebrate Him, but was also able to make it to church to celebrate and worship Jesus. It was a painfully difficult sermon in some respects, and in others was a comforting reminder of who sits on the the throne... and how mighty God is. (TAB is going through a sermon series in Revleation... and I'm thankful to have been able to hear about half of them! They are crazy intense, but so good.) I love that by loving my dad today I got to love Jesus too. Winner.

Growing up hating the required attendance to church, I admit that each Sunday I remember that small girl. Today I was particularly moved by the notion that I have taken for granted the numerous opportunities that I did not attend Sunday services when I could have. Now that my work schedule conflicts with my personal life in such a way, I miss my Sunday routine. I began to think of those people in my life that are not able to attend church because they live too far away from one, or have been deployed for a season and did not have one. I thought about strangers in countries that can't attend worship without religious persecution. I ran through scenarios on my mind listing off each random reason that someone would not be able to experience what I love when I sit in my chair.

I know that God moves, and can be known without those walls. I know that sometimes the circumstances we find ourselves in limit our participation in regular services. But I also know that my random and scattered attendance always leaves me grieved for the Body, and for the experience the 75 minute service brings.

I love a church in KY called Southland. I listen to their podcasts, and scribble down notes. Sometimes I watch the video at home on my computer instead of listening in the car. Either way, I love what they teach and I'm challenged often by it. But its not the same. It's not the same as walking into TAB and seeing faces I know. It's not the same as Essen, and Cathy giving me hugs of encouragement and pouring into me all that I soak up before I leave. It's not the same as standing in the front of the church to receive Communion. It's not the same as hearing the voices sing and praise together. It's just not the same.

Today.

I'm so thankful that I got to go, sing, think, pray, listen, and HEAR.

And then went off to celebrate the birth and life of a great, cherished, and treasured Man.

Sunday's off are always too far between, but wonderfully tender and beloved.

Goodnight. Moon.

There's something magical about a full moon,

and the feel of a summer night in the middle of March.

(and by magical: I mean wonderful).

Today I got off at 5pm, which is very unusual for a Saturday.

I drove home with all of the windows and the sunroof open.

Met Ryan for dinner before we went to see Rango.

I came home to Gracie sitting at the front door waiting for me.

We went outside.

I took these pictures.

It.Was.A.Great.Great.Great.Day.

Hummed Brooke Fraser and William Fitzsimmon's, "You Can Close Your Eyes"...

Imagined how my view from the hammock was a

picture capturing the feeling conveyed in the song below,

as I wished on stars and I gazed at the

majesty of a moon so full, so bright, and a night so warm.

delicate.intimate.divine.peaceful.still.

It's a Great.Great.Great. L I F E.

"well the sun is surely sinking down

but the moon is slowly rising

and this old world must still be spinning 'round

but i still love you...

so close your eyes

you can close your eyes its alright...

it won't be long before another day

we're gonna have a good time

no one's gonna take that time away

you can stay as long as you like...

so close your eyes- you can close your eyes, it's alright..."

Conversation & Home

It is Thursday night, and the house is quiet. The moon is bright, and with all the lights off- there is a glow to the room. I love it. I drove home tonight with the sunroof open and heat on my feet. I am a child of warmer weather, and now that its coming- I feel like I become more alive and settled. It's amazing.

Sunday night Jessica and Kristyn arrived, and we made dinner together, and had Sarah, Drew, Ryan, and Matt over for it and games. When everyone left we found ourselves in my office. Kristyn sat with Gracie on the oversized chair, Jessica and I on the floor along the wall... and we just talked for hours. About everything. We cried together like girls do when they talk about their feelings in a safe place, and we laughed like girls do when they share things that drive them crazy about life. Jessica at one point noted, "this is why I came out here." in regards to a difficult point in conversation in which I tried assuring her of the truth. Gracie was restless from the chair, and went to the floor and when I called her over to me she dragged herself across the carpet to my lap. We sat that way for a long time. Jessica went to bed and Kristyn went to her room... I followed her in and we talked for a good while longer. I was awake, and exhausted, but I missed her and it was worth staying up to well past 2:30am to talk. I would have stayed up all night with her if I felt like I could, but finally I went to bed. Content. The house was alive with sisterhood. That feeling... is priceless.

Monday we had a water issue at my house and had to shower at Matty's, went through Wendy's with a towel on Jessica's head and looking like we'd just had water dumped on us. We went out for bowling, dinner, we enjoyed the company of each other, and again on Monday night- after we'd spent the whole day together, changed into PJ's, and made our way one by one to the couch where we stayed up again for hours, talking. The real kind, just like the night before. We talked about relationships, love, forgiveness, hope, reconciliation, my experience with Whitney, my dream and vision for my future. I loved it. Everything about it.

Then the next night, Kristyn and I had probably the most profound conversation I've ever had with someone. It happened after I was supposed to go to bed, but it happened when it was supposed too. Life is funny like that. At 2am I had to get up from the couch so I could be up at 7am for work. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go to sleep and wake up and miss it.

I write this list of conversations only to say that to have just written a blog entry about transparency, I am humbled how the Lord prepares us, and uses EVERYTHING together... because I just had the most meaningful conversations I have ever had, this week. I have been so moved, humbled, and touched by the transparency and vulnerability of both Jessica and Kristyn, that I can only say that my heart has been changed by it.

Sometimes we look so hard in the wrong direction for something we miss, someone we want to know, someplace we want to be- that we fail to just sit. And be. In the place we are, with the people before us, and just explore. Talk. Share. Battle out. Laugh. Reveal. Be present.

Who in your life can you be with, and not think of every other last thing?

In whose company you are able to find all of those things and more?

Is it scary?

Do you avoid it?

Do you miss it?

Have you lost home?

Do you forget what it felt or looked like?

This week I've heard how my friendship has made a difference. And that it matters.

Their stories are intricate, and they are painful. But they are beautiful because they shared it. I am inspired by that.

I asked Kristyn at some point Tuesday night, well past the time for me to be in bed,

"where do you feel at home?"

She thought carefully.

I saw her process through images as she looked out into space as she contemplated.

As she was quiet, I was quiet in my own thoughts thinking the question through for myself.

I am at home when I feel safe.

Loved. Protected.

I always feel at home with the Lord because He is the source of true security and protection.

I feel at home when I'm with Matt because I know he is protective of my heart.

I feel at home with my brother because when we are together I know I am not alone.

I feel at home with Mandy because I can always tell her the truth.

I feel at home with Kristyn because we have become real.true.sisters. (always.)

I feel at home while sitting on a bench at the edge of the pier, when I'm still with my own thoughts.

I feel at home while swinging on the hammock and Gracie sleeping underneath.

I feel at home at the river's edge with Mandy and Kristyn, reading books, eating Uncrustables, and swimming upstream.

I feel at home when I'm able to be real, honest, vulnerable, and transparent before someone pursuing my heart honorably and with integrity.

This week.

Was all about that.

All.

About.

It.

And I am one very humbled and grateful girl.

Transparency & Emotional Tampon

I have been thinking a lot about transparency. In relationships with boys, friendships with girls, parents, siblings, co-workers, and with Christ. Some people can draw you out of yourself so easily, its effortless. Before you realize you have over shared, its too late its all out there. I have noticed in my life that I am typically the one that gets to listen... a lot. I am great at listening. I am great at listening because it was easier to listen growing up then it was to talk. I was asked to keep secrets, keep things private, and keep things together. I learned early... how to keep talking so people don't notice you are quiet, but never pick up that you aren't saying anything you actually feel.

I wore a mask throughout my Sophomore and Junior year in High School. My parents split up, and I didn't tell anyone that didn't need to know. And by need, I mean those who were picking me up for a social function and needed to know I didn't live on Shadblow Hill anymore. My close friends knew, and some friends in the Emmaus Community knew more specifics... but I was a shrine of hurt. My heart was free to express friendship, love, intentional conversation if it was about someone else... but I was terribly insecure about receiving it, because I knew to receive I would have to be open to it- which meant I'd have to be open, what if something escaped? One night my Sr. year I gave my testimony about Self Awareness in front of a group of people I had known most of my life. It was the first time I spoke about choices I had made, the person I was, and who I knew myself to be in Christ. I spoke the truth. I remember reading my talk on the retreat it was for, and saw my parents sitting in the back of the room with my sister Krystal, brother Justin, and closest friends. I knew that even for them, I was a voice that speaking part of their story too. I cried during parts of it. I spoke honorably and respectfully of the choices and hardships we had been enduring together. I talked mostly about how without Christ I would not know the truth, and that I knew who I was in Him. I was made incredibly strong in the protection and intimacy of my relationship with Jesus.

The mask was gone.

Everything was different after that.

I was free.

I was able to express myself and express God's love in transparency

because I was not preoccupying myself with pretending.

In my life and with incredible support and help I continue to grow up and out of those tendencies. However, I am still the listener. They call me their best friend, they tell me that they think I'm the best... they promise we'll always be friends. I know something that they don't. A friendship or relationship built on one listening more then the other is never lasting. Once that person doesn't need you in that way anymore they move on. And because it was never about you, really... the relationship passes. Sometimes its worth standing up to them and throwing the most assertive statement ever: "I am not going to be your emotional tampon anymore", and sometimes... it changes everything. I am working very hard to swing this around to not be a hiding mechanism, but an opportunity to become more authentic and real in what I share after I listen. Some people are magentically drawn to me because of this. Some people stay for awhile after they've shared to ask me questions. Some people never do. Some people stay for years, and then go... and some stay for l i f e t i m e s .

I bring this up because recently I've met someone who in many emotional capacities and moments resembles a someone I once knew. There are moments when the banter, touch, and depth of listening I could close my eyes and not be able to tell you who I was sitting with. This realization has brought to light something in me, and my walk with the Lord that until now I couldn't see.

How transparent am I?

Am I private because I'm waiting for the right people to pursue me? Or because I hide?

What mask am I wearing now, that I am not even aware of?

I sat before this person and I could taste the words being choked up in my throat about not wanting to be their emotional tampon and that I wanted balance. That if we were going to have anything, at any point it would be a two way street... because at that point it wasn't. Not really.

I kept quiet. I held my tongue.

I did not a repeat conversation, relationship, or cycle.

In that one moment, I chose different.

I knew.

I knew in that moment I was worth more.

I am not the easy choice.

I am not to be kept in silence.

I am not perfect. I screw up a lot.

I am not always able to tell you what hurts,

because sometimes I can't even slow down enough to figure it out.

I am not at your disposal when you need me, and only then.

This could perhaps be the greatest shift in my life to date. I knew that I wanted more. And that in Christ I found a more, perfect, and better relationship then I could piece together in that moment. So I kept quiet. I listened. I prayed. I felt appreciated. I knew who I was in Christ. I knew the truth. I knew I could be used to love and serve and minister... and I knew that I had people in my life I could share my heart with. But I wasn't going to make someone else because I wanted balance. I let my desires go, I let go. When the night ended, I was asked for a hug. Of course, a hug, I love hugs. At some point it shifted, it wasn't a hug... but I was being held. By someone I did not speak my catchphrase of accountability. By someone I had not shared intimate details with. By someone who had felt so much and said so much and felt so connected after what we've shared, and laughed over... could only hold. Held on. The difference for me was that in maturity- I let go because I was holding onto Jesus more.

(deep breath, sigh)

Segway to yesterday and how this all connects in the longest blog entry ever.

I watched a Sermon yesterday from Southland, a church in Lexington, Kentucky that I love. The series is called, The Pretenders. The premise is that we are all con-artists. We are all hiding behind sin, and destruction patterns/habits/lives, and that we know the "right things" to say in our circles. There is so much pressure to perform, and we cave into it and fail. Jon Weece talks a lot about Disclosure with Discretion- where is the appropriate place to reveal that which you hide, and whom to choose to be vulnerable to. Using scripture (James 5:16), "Confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed."

Some favorite points made:

"Brothers and sisters of Christ who are tired of wearing different costumes. Children of God who are tired of playing pretend. See, if you want to be free from the mask- the sin you most want to conceal is the sin you most need to reveal."

"Take the mask off. Admit that it hurts... come clean from that struggle. Paper mache doesn't reflect anything or anyone, it doesn't reflect the beauty and glory of God which is what your life is meant to do. "A broken and contrite heart God will not refuse." Psalm 51:17".

He goes on to share about his experiences in the Prayer Rooms at Southland. I loved this so much...

"In the prayer rooms, we have two types of people.

First type is we have people who grew up in church, and they've always been around church people.

I can tell. They know the language. They know what to say and what not to say. They know what parts of their story are safe to share, and what parts they need to keep to themselves so they crack a door in their heart about this w i d e.

And then there are these other people.

That walk in and they just don't know any better.

They've not be in church so this is a first for them.

We love these people.

Because they'll come in and they'll talk about how their marriage is falling apart, how they yell at each other... the tears will start to flow because they just don't know any better.

Or a person will sit down and say, "Hey my name is, and I've been sober for...". They just don't know any better.

I've been in the room when men have talked about their struggle with pornography, and women who've shared their credit card debt, or couples that have wept over their rebellious teenager that sneaks in late at night, and they just don't know any better... One man told me that growing up his dad was an elder in the church and he was respected in the community and everyone talked about what good of a man he was. Then they'd go home and he was demeaning, rude towards his wife, and this guy said 'I'm becoming this man', and I told him, You don't have too. Become like Jesus if you want too, you don't have to be that guy.

I've been in that room when people have talked about eating disorders, cutting themselves because they feel ugly, suicide attempts and drug addictions and gambling issues, and depression that keeps them in bed all day.

They just don't know any better.

I need to ask a favor of you.

Please don't tell them.

Because its a rare thing to meet someone in this life

anymore that doesn't have a mask on.

And man, its beautiful. It's beautiful.

And I want that for all of us. And so does Jesus."

Who are you transparent with?

Who knows the real you?

Are you hiding from those people because its hard?

Are you authentic and without masks before God?

Who do you share your heart with?

Do they inspire you? Do they help you change and grow?

Do you take your hurts, place them somewhere deep and "manage"?

Have you hurt someone in your inability to be transparent?

Is it worth the possibility of losing them, so that they can really have and know you?

You.Are.Worth.It.

And so are the people in your life. It's never too late... to be free from the Mask.

Sermon: The Professional Con-Artist

Thankful for those I love, especially in the past year that have never let me close the door on my heart up without first inviting them in to share, love, support, and be with me in the goodness of sunshine and the gloom of rain. They have been incredible. Transparency is hard. Once you think you've attained it or even foolishly believed you've mastered it... something happens, or someone walks into your life and you realize: nope. maybe we still need to grow there. But... today we celebrate a statement kept quiet, and a heart screaming with Praise to the Lord for a lesson learned.

Amen.

Lent & Sleep

So. I think maybe once or twice in my adult life I have given something up for Lent. I can't say I was successful either attempt, but I did choose something. Unfortunately both times it felt like a New Years Resolution I couldn't keep. I am a perfectionist in my core... most times I resent it, other times I embrace how it elevates my performance and standard of excellence. However, in terms of Lent and Resolutions it typically works against me. I sort of (and by sort of, I mean completely) have an all or nothing mentality. I get really intimidated with the idea of 40 days because I'm terrified I will fail. Which is interesting that I forget that in the process of giving "up" I'm also letting in- I'm letting Christ to move in my heart and be my strength as I struggle through discipline.

This year I have found myself thinking about Lent a lot. I admit that in the past I was more focused on the fact I was giving up, or was supposed to give something up for God- the denial of something I enjoy... and even as a mature Christian it was hard to find myself focused on what the real purpose of Lent is. To participate in Lent as a means of growing closer to Christ by means of self sacrifice and the removing of whatever is distracting.

What in my life stands in the way of my pursuit and walk with God?

I know that there is a long list of things that I could give up for self denial and sacrifice.

But what of those things hold me back?

What of those things prevent me from knowing Christ more?

One consistent thought comes to mind.

If I was asked to give up anything for pure self denial, it would be Starbucks, Diet Coke, TV, or Facebook. What has been pressed on my heart though recently is that what truly stands in the way and gets in the way of knowing God more, is my inability to be disciplined and indulging in several mornings a week in which I sleep in.

So... because I am a perfectionist I have not committed to being up 7 days a week for 40 mornings at 7am. But I am praying through and preparing to be up each day that I work bright and early at 7am. Knowing my body I will end up waking up the same time each day, but I feel as though some grace is good. It will be hard. I love sleep. Which sounds weird, but I love it. I love my bed. I love snuggling with Gracie. But I sleep so much more then I need, and the time I spend dreaming- I could be doing so much more. And I'm not talking laundry. So not necessarily for just quiet times, which I have been able to "squeeze" in at different points of my schedule and day already. Just time to explore, think, wrestle, and not check out with sleep when I'm tired and stressed with the craziness of work.

Time quiet. With the Lord.

Time active. With myself and learning how to push myself and be stronger physically then I've known in the past.

Time to read. All of the books I've got stacked on the side waiting to be explored.

Time to write. The thoughts I think all day that never escape my mind.

Time to capture. The story. How I see God in creation. In the details.

The Time will not be spent grocery shopping. Putting the dishes away. Folding the laundry. Or sweeping up endless piles of Gracie's white hair off the floor.

It will be removing the easy option, the part that says sleeping in is more fun, more important and that I need it "so" much. It's the one comfortable thing in my life that I truly enjoy that literally stands in the way of me knowing God... because it checks me out. It removes me from being engaged.

I know that my conviction for wanting this to change comes from a lot of prayer about participating in Lent this season. I wish it was just giving up Facebook, but I've done that before and its not difficult. I wish it were Diet Coke, but I too have done that before and after a couple of days I don't want it either. Coffee though... that would be hard! But sleeping in, lazy mornings, and the the ease of not typically being the opening manager has allowed me to adopt a really comfortable schedule, and I have enjoyed it. But... the enjoyment is tricky because I know its the one place in my life that when praying I see God point a finger at and say, "Kari. You love that time. You love your lazy mornings and dream filled spells. You don't need as much as you get. Give it up. Give it to me."

Time.

Lord, I'm giving you Time... my favorite time... my sleeping in and dreaming time.

Because I believe the time I indulge in is in the way of what you are trying to show me.

And because some mornings I will be tired, I am not giving up Coffee too. Nope. Not going to do it!

Are you participating in Lent this year?

What will the next 40 days be without?

Are you hopeful about what will come to replace it?

Hope.

Spring is coming Virginia. It's coming.

Yesterday was warm and rainy...

and so I of course justified the warm with flip flops

and apologized to my toes that they would get wet.

Last night we were walking out of Chili's, and it was flurrying.

The temps had dropped and the rain turned to snow.

We went across the street and got ice cream. The irony was too good to pass up.

This morning I woke up to birds chirping and sunshine.

Yes. Virginia... Spring is almost here.

Sunday's Off

Sunday's off...

Are the best.

I have never appreciated how much I loved being able to go to Church every

Sunday before the busy season began at work.

I am thankful to be able to go. To sing. To listen. To be quiet. To share. To worship. To grow.

Going to Church is something I dreaded in my childhood. Hated it.

Now... I grieve its absence in my life when I'm scheduled to work and can't go.

But today... I went.

And it was divine.

Dunkin Donuts.

The Daley's

"Jesus, I Come"

Communion. "Lay your life down for your friends..."

Mandy Phone Date: Finally.

Joyful Spirit.

Painting my nails Red.

Wrote a few postcards.

Ryan picking me up and driving us to the Movies.

The Adjustment Bureau: Loved It.

Chili's and BR. (Peanut Butter sauce!)

Great Conversation in the car.

Sarah- love her.

Great. Relaxed. Joyful. Sunday.

A Gift.